Can We Agree to Disagree?

Hi, loves. This is Dr. Nicole, and I'm coming to you live from the airport vortex in Sedona. And so I came here for an emotional reset, an emotional detox, and to think about a really important topic. And it's a topic that's been on my heart with all of the political discord and social discord and economic discord. And it's definitely been on my heart and on my mind. And so I came to this place to contemplate and to think about the question of, can we agree to disagree? And how can people that are so wise and people that we respect and people that we love have such polar opposite perspectives of things that seem pretty obviously black and white to us? And it brings to mind, do you remember when, years ago, there was this huge debate on what color is the dress? Do you remember that? You know what I'm talking about? And so one camp of people thought the dress was one color, and the other camp of people were totally and completely insistent it was another color. And it created this huge debate, this huge divide. And you had all of these people with no political agenda having this discussion, this emotionally amplified discussion on what color is the dress. And I remember thinking, it's very obviously blue and black. Like, the dress is blue. It's like a navy blue. And then I, like, wrote that and shared that. And then all these people were commenting, and they're like, no way. The dress isn't blue. Are you out of your mind? And I'm like, I am looking at this with my own eyes, and I don't know how you could see any color other than blue. So are you with me? You guys obviously saw blue, right? But maybe not. And so that's a really great example of this topic that I'm thinking about today. And so how can people look at something and be so sure that they're seeing reality and they're declaring reality? And then when you look at it, you're like, this is obviously not correct, what you're seeing here, person. And it can create these dialogues, it can create these. These conflicts, these problems, Right? And so I wanted to talk about how that happens and come at it from a neuropsychology perspective, which is always my favorite thing to talk about. And so when we think about the conversation with the dress, we actually found through later research that people were seeing what they were seeing, but the variation came as a result of the lens through which they were seeing it. Their eyes, the location of the rods and cones in the back of their eyes. And so they're Having this experience from their lens, from their reality, from their biology, right? And so when we think about the way that humans experience things, the way that they interact with their environment, they're using all of these resources. They're using their biological resources, which in the ACT method, which call our biological cast of characters. That's our genetics, our hormones, the orientation of our rods and cones in our eyes, the way that we hear, the way that we taste, detect, experience and interact with the world. And so those are our biological cast of characters. And that impacts how we see the dress, the color the dress is. It also impacts how we see and interact with different political movements or arguments or disagreements. And then we also have the social cast of characters, and these are how we interact with the people themselves. And so when I'm having a conversation with somebody, I have to make a decision between is this cast member in my story, is it okay to have this cast member? Are they an antagonist or a protagonist or just a neutral character in my story, if they believe that the dress is a different color, is that a game breaker for me, is that something that is okay? If I see something differently than they do, is this going to make a negative impact in the story that I'm trying to write? And for the dress, for me it wasn't. So I'm thinking, okay, you see a different color, I can live with that. We're bringing different perspectives to the table and that's really cool. But for you, when you think about the disagreements that you're having with people online, whether it's about the COVID vaccine, whether it's about who should be elected president or. Or if abortion is okay or not okay, all of these big topics that we speak about as people. And so the question is, is it okay to agree and disagree? And I would say that your social cast of characters are a part of the script of your life. And you have to decide what is the story that you're writing. And so getting data from people from different perspectives is amazing and great, and it gives us an opportunity to question, experience and explore our lens. But it boils down to the fact, is this congruent with the story of my life that I want to write? And is this a non negotiable? And so when we talk about our social cast of characters, we are talking about boundaries, we're talking about our personal limits and how we want to be with the people in our life. And so I talk a lot about boundaries. And I talk about this in the form of an exercise that I teach called the House of boundaries. The house of boundaries is a metaphor for the depth and intimacy of relationship. And so if you have somebody and it turns out that you can't agree on racism, then maybe that's somebody that doesn't belong in your house. That's somebody who cannot align with you on something really big. And so that person needs to be either on the front porch or across the street, which are the most distant form of intimacy. And as opposed to people with whom you align with spiritually, who you align with on really deep, important topics, who may then earn the right, the privilege, the joy of becoming members of your house, they get to come through the front doors, into your living room, into your kitchen, those deeper levels of intimacy. And so when we think about, can we agree to disagree? Why is everybody having these big experiences? Is we want to think about our biological cast of characters and how are they designed biologically? What environmental, socioeconomic, political, genetic? What other influences are coming into place? Because maybe the dress is a certain color according to their brain chemistry. But you also want to think about, is this social cast of character? Is this person in alignment with the story that I'm trying to tell for my life? And then you can start to have conversations about, I can't agree to disagree with you, unfortunately. This is really big. And I need to make sure that I'm protecting myself and that this person is on the front porch. And so as you're doing this exploration, as you're trying to figure out how to navigate the constant conflict that comes from different perspectives is start to think about where are they coming from? Try to understand their position, why they feel the way they feel, how they got there. Try to understand with radical empathy, but then decide for yourself, okay, is this who I want to be aligned with? Is this politically, is this emotionally safe for me? And do I want to let them into my house? And if I do, what does that look like? And if I don't, what does that look like? And so you can learn more about that by going and looking on my website, just search House of Boundaries. I'll also make sure that we put the link to the blog and the video in the show notes. And I also want to talk about, just in the last couple of minutes, how this can bring up a lot of stress, right? It can create these emotional experiences that feel really big and hard. And so the one part of the cast of characters we haven't talked about yet are the psychological cast of characters, which involve your parts of yourself. And that could be your anxious self. It could be Your angry self, it could be yourself that was really burned by somebody. And so these parts are playing part of the story with the person with whom you're interacting parts. And so suddenly it's not just you and one other person. It's you and all of your experiences interacting with and all of their experiences. And so doing the work on understanding and identifying your psychological characters, your cast of characters in your story and how that's impacting if you see the dresses, one color or the other, as you see this political issue, one way or the other is doing the internal work to understand where you came from and why, and where this other person came from and why can be life changing. I actually have a strategy that's free that can teach you how to do this in three minutes flat. It's called the three Minute Hack. And we'll make sure to put the link for that. Check it out. It's a webinar, and I created it to start teaching you these topics. It will save you time on a clinician's couch so that you're not having to spend a ton of time and a ton of money to actually start getting results. And so check it out. It's called the three Minute Hack. And you can again, you can learn how to do this strategy. It takes three minutes. And then you can start to get to the bottom of how you feel, the way you feel. Why? Why do you feel that way psychologically? And it can help you start to really get answers. So, anyway, I'm going to head out. I'm going to do a little hiking here in Sedona. Let me just show you this beauty. You guys, isn't this just the most beautiful place you've ever seen? Yep. So I'm here. I'm going to do a little hiking. I'm going to eat a chocolatree, shout out to Chocolatree, the best restaurant here in Sedona. And I will see you guys next week. I honor you, I love you. And hey, I want to do a shout out to Haley, too, who keeps all of this flowing and does all the tech. And I'm just so grateful for Haley. So thank you for everything, sister. You are the rock upon which I have built this business. And so thank you. All right, my sisters, my loves, I'll see you later. Bye.