Helping a Loved One With Anxiety

This is Dr. Nicole, and I was wondering if any of you have a loved one suffering from anxiety. To be sitting aside and watching somebody that you love deeply suffer can feel incredibly discouraging and incredibly powerless. And I've spent a lot of time talking to the anxiety warriors themselves, and I think it's really important to also speak to your loved ones, to speak to you, to speak to the people that are there day in and day out and watching and observing their loved ones suffering and not knowing what to do. And so I'd like to talk about that today and answer any questions that you have on what to do and how to help and support your loved one who's suffering from anxiety. We have several amazing warriors in the group, and then there are warrior companions in the group too. And I think that is so profoundly important. And one of the biggest variables that helps somebody get well is their support system, their partners, their family, their friends, their spiritual communities. You guys are the bedrock upon which our warriors are standing so that they can heal and take their lives back. And so today is for you and I want to talk with you about four steps that you could take to support your loved one with anxiety. And it also will depend on where your loved one is in terms of the anxiety. Understanding the anxiety journey. Some people, when they're anxious, there's not a lot of acknowledgement of that process. Part of a coping skill of anxiety is, is to suppress it and to work much harder and to keep a lot busier and to distract with video games or substances or productivity or whatever it is. Some people in the anxiety journey are not acknowledging that. And from your eyes, as the loved one, the observer, it may feel really clear that something is wrong and that they're struggling. And so I want to focus today on the. That, on how to help bridge that gap between my love, you're totally suffering, I can see it. But that individual not acknowledging for whatever reason that there's something that's going on and how can we have that conversation? So we're going to talk about four steps. And the first step is simply to educate yourself on what is anxiety. What is the difference between situational anxiety, a phobia, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and having a good understanding of the difference between, oh, I'm just feeling a little bit nervous and anxious and stressed versus this person is having panic attacks out of the blue, or severe agoraphobia where they can't go out in public places. There's a big spectrum. So acquiring education is going to be really important so that you can speak to them from a place of knowledge and understanding, especially if they don't even know what's going on. A lot of times people feel like there's something really wrong with them and they, they don't realize that it could be anxiety. For example, yesterday I was talking with one of my clients and he was expressing that he was having a lot of heart palpitations and he'd been to the doctor many, many times to have his heart examined, to have his blood work done. And every time everything came back perfect. There were no abnormalities. And his doctor had sent him to a psychiatrist and told him, you have anxiety. And his anxiety was manifesting in his heart. So I was communicating with him yesterday and I was reminding him sometimes when we're anxious, our nervous system can produce symptoms of anxiety that can feel like heart palpitations, that can feel like a heart attack. So sometimes it's simply a matter of just being educated on what symptoms anxiety can produce. I have a lot of resources on my website that you can go and check out at www.drnicolecane.com and I also like to read on WebMD and Medscape and other reliable sources and I'll post some more content on what is anxiety as opposed to what is trauma, stress, and what if it's hyperthyroidism? Like the different things that you should be considering in the process of getting educated so that you can help your loved one. The other part of education so that you can come prepared to the conversation with your loved one is having a good understanding of what treatment options are available for them and knowing are they going to be out of pocket or are they covered by your health care, their health care. And so the first step is figuring out philosophically, what approach do you want to take, what approach do you feel like might be best for them, and then writing down some options and coming up with a wide variety. Some people, they feel much more comfortable going to a psychiatrist, whereas other people, they don't want to start with a pill and they want to do something different and integrative. And other people, they are totally anxious and whatever they do, they have to stay at home and they can't go anywhere because they're so scared of leaving the house. And so we have to find out what options are available for your loved one's unique needs. One option that I think is really good is I created the seven Day Anxiety Freedom Challenge. And it's something you can do from the comfort of your own home. You can do it with your loved one. It's totally free, it's empirically based. And what I've done is I've created a video series and you'll get an email every single day with two tips. One that focuses on anxious thoughts and the other that helps you with the actual physical symptoms of anxiety. So we're targeting the mind and the body. I call it the glitter and gold method. And you can start doing that right away today. You'll get the free booklet, you'll get some exercises, videos, get some free support. And so that's one thing that you can start right away to get the link, it's going to be included in the Facebook video comments that we have here. Hailey will post that. And then we also have an anxiety warriors group where you can come in and get support even if you don't have anxiety yourself. And you're advocating for your loved one. This is a really great safe place where I'm putting content in there that's free to help answer your questions and to get you answers that you need for your loved one. So step one we talked about getting educated and that is about what anxiety is, what could be going on with them and also what kinds of treatment options are available. And then step two is the actual process of engaging with your loved one. And this can be really, really tricky. And the most important thing is regardless of what you say is make sure that the person knows that you love them and that they feel supported. And so how do you open a dialogue about anxiety? Especially if the person that you're talking with doesn't acknowledge or realize that they have anxiety or that their symptoms are like anxiety. Approach them with humility, approach them from a non controlling manner and speak from the heart and let them know that I've noticed that you appear to be suffering and give specific instances. So for example, yesterday I noticed that when we were about to go out that you expressed that your stomach was upset and you canceled your plans. And this similar thing happened when we were going to go to this event. And so I'm wondering if you could tell me what you're feeling, what's happening in those moments. And so you want to speak from the heart, make sure that they feel loved and give specific examples and then ask them what would support look like for you, what would be ideal for you. Because sometimes they already know and they've been thinking about it or there's something that they would be willing to do and things that they wouldn't. And so asking them up front is incredibly helpful because then you're bringing them in in a sense of empowerment to be participating in the anxiety journey. And then you can inquire, would you be willing to look at this anxiety freedom only challenge with me and you can do it together. And sometimes the path of least resistance is something that comes to your email that you can do from the privacy of your own home. And then celebrating your wins from that might open the doors to more intensive support. But I usually recommend, unless you're dealing with a crisis situation where somebody is feeling like they want to hurt themselves or hurt someone else, or if they're not functioning to the point where it's becoming an emergent situation, is if it's like that, then obviously you want to call the crisis hotline or call 911. But if it isn't something urgent and you have the time and bandwidth, usually starting with the path of least resistance is going to get you the most success. Because when we're feeling anxious and overwhelmed, starting a whole treatment program can feel incredibly overwhelming on top of the overwhelm it might present as an obstacle for your loved one. So doing something really quick and short that gets results I think will be a really good place to start. And then ask them about their level of motivation, and that will help guide you to the level of intensity. So if somebody's like, I am tired of feeling anxious. I want to get my life back, I want to do something intensive. You can give them different support options as opposed to, if they're like, I'm not anxious, I don't have bandwidth to talk about anything. It's a very different conversation. The next step is just simply to ask permission on helping them figure out solutions. And if they're open to that, then you can present them with the research that you did in step one. You could say something like, I don't want to make you feel like I'm getting into your business or trying to tell you how to live, but I care about you. I was wondering if I could have your permission to come up with some solutions to help you with what you're going through right now. And that's very humble. It's very loving. It's asking them for their permission. And I think that's going to be really important for you in supporting your loved one in the long run. If they agree and if they're comfortable with the plan, then formalizing it is really helpful. So sometimes they may be like, yeah, I know I've been dealing with anxiety. I haven't been feeling my. Like myself lately. Is. Then you can actually ask them, when is a Good time for us to talk about this. I would love to come up with a plan to help you feel better. Because sometimes when we approach them, we may be ready for the conversation, but they may not be. And so formalizing brainstorming sessions is really helpful. It can help them prepare for it, get in the mind space for it. And again, you're honoring their timing, their integrity, their needs, their personal power, which they already feel like it's being stripped from them. And when you have that brainstorming session, you want to talk about what have you tried for your anxiety, what works, what doesn't work, what are your triggers, what's helpful for you, what interventions have they heard about that they're willing to try. And as they're talking and answering your questions, write that all down on a piece of paper and then together collaboratively come up with a support. And then the third step is to negotiate a plan of action. And so we've talked about, you're doing your research, you're approaching them, you're making a plan, you're being formal about the process. And now we want to put that plan into action. And so when we're talking about helping with anxiety, the more specific that we can be, the better. So for example, if I'm talking to somebody and they're really anxious and I express to them, I think it would be really helpful if you were able to move your body every single day. If I keep it more general, like, well, I'll see you in a week, move your body every single day, the likelihood of them following through with that is much lower versus if I tell them, I want you to do 10 jumping jacks at 2 o' clock every single day and then write it down and then bring it back to me and we'll talk about what happened. The more specific that you can be in your plan of action, the more accessible and easy it is for the individual, the more easy it will be for you guys to schedule it and the greater the success. And so then you can check a box. I have a client that I spoke with yesterday who has a whiteboard on the wall and she writes down her self care activities and the time that she wants to do them at, and then she gets to check a box when she's successful. And one, it's very specific and two, it's accountability. And three, she gets that positive reinforcement of looking at all those checks when she gets that done. So one is you want to help your loved one come up with a plan of action and making sure that it's Accessible and doable. We don't want to overwhelm them. And so again, starting with just one thing, one solution is a great place to begin so that it feels totally negotiable. And that's why I created the one week challenge is because it's you get the email sent to you, you get the video sent to you, you get the booklet sent to you, and you just simply read. Extra credit would be to practice utilizing the exercises. The more you use it, the more that the brain is going to adapt around what you're learning and integrating and the more success you'll have. And so we talked about, number one is you're getting educated. Number two is engaging with your loved one with love and mercy, honoring their integrity, their personal power. We've talked about negotiating a plan of action, making sure it's just one accessible thing, that it's easily broken down and that you celebrate your wins. And then the last step is to take care of you. Is helping yourself, helping the helper when a loved one is suffering. We've observed that caretakers and partners often neglect their own health to help their loved ones. And I want to tell you that it's incredibly important for you to take care of you and it's not selfish to make sure that you're okay and taking extra good care of yourself right now. And so I have three steps for you that I want you to follow as the caretaker. And they're really important because if you think about it, the stronger that you can be, the more you're going to be able to stand up alongside of your partner or your loved one and to help them as they heal. You have to be strong and centered in yourself in order to help somebody else. And so the three steps, number one is to make sure that you stick with your schedule. And that means that if you need to go and do self care, whether it's going for a walk, walking the dog, going to the gym, eating at regular times, waking up and sleeping at regular times, doing your crafts or extracurricular activities, whatever that is, don't put yourself to the side only to take care of your loved one is make sure that you are intentional with your schedule. So spend time with your loved ones, serve them and take care of them, but also make sure that you're taking of care, care of yourself. And so maybe you need to sit down with your loved one and figure out a plan and make sure that you can have that written down and that you can be accountable to that too. Make sure you don't let yourself Be mentally consumed by suffering of your loved one and it will actually help them more if you can have space to decompress and unpack and heal and then come back ready to support. The second thing is to make sure that you stay connected, soliciting your own support. Do you have a counselor or a doctor or a close friend or a mentor or somebody that you can talk to to start to work through and process your experience? I remember when I was having my anxiety and I was at rock bottom years and years ago. My husband was my primary support and he was there for me every day. But after that journey passed, we came to realize that that had really weighed heavy on his heart and he was experiencing symptoms of almost like ptsd. If I had a night where I didn't sleep, his anxiety would start to surge. Oh my goodness, is this coming back? Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt like you're by proxy being traumatized or feeling depressed or feeling anxious because you love your loved one so much and you can't fix it? And so making sure that you stay connected, get support, take care of yourself, have a healthy schedule that involves getting out and utilizing your supports to help your loved one is really, really important for you. And I want to tell you, my husband did that. He got his self care done. He did his work. He was intentional with his schedule. And we are both warriors. And that's why I'm here. And I'm so passionate about helping you because, babe, I've been there. I get it. My husband's been there and he's had dark times that I've walked with him through too. And so taking care of yourself is really profoundly important. And you guys can get through this. The last step is to set boundaries. And this can feel really difficult when our loved one is suffering. But it's so important for your health, the health of your loved one, to be clear on what your personal boundaries are and to make sure that you and your loved one understand that when you put down a boundary, for example, I need to go and play my guitar, and is that it's not a rejection of them, but rather supporting me so that I can support them. And that can help you maintain healthier balance. And then if you need to seek professional help, these people spend years to get a degree, to become amazing helpers. They invest their time, their adrenals, their energy in being able to give you the best support possible and so utilize that support. I love working with trauma informed therapists. And so people who have DBT or emdr training. I often refer to these individuals doing the seven day Anxiety Freedom Challenge can be really helpful even if you're not anxious, but just to get that support and get that community. And so make sure that you're taking care of yourself while you're taking care of your loved one. And so we've been talking about a four step process to help you take care of your loved one. To help your loved one with anxiety. We went through each of the four steps and talked about how to take care of yourself in addition to taking care of them. And so if you have questions or if you need more support, the Facebook group is here. We're here for you as a warrior of a family member. And if you have anxiety yourself, we're totally here for you. And to learn more you can check out our Facebook page or you could go to our YouTube. We have tons of videos on there. I have blogs on this topic and we'll make sure to include all the links. So thank you so much for watching. Check back here often. I'm going to be doing Facebook lives every Wednesday and Friday. It's going to be one o' clock eastern and so I will see you guys next time. And by the way, we have a blog on this topic. We'll make sure to put that in the show notes and I will see you guys soon. Take care.