How Toxic Positivity is Bad for Your Mental Health

Darlings. Hi. I am so excited to be jumping on today. I'm going to be talking about a topic that's really important to me, and I think that this is probably something that you'll resonate with. I get a lot of questions about this. This is something I see all the time in clinical practice. And so it's really important that we talk about it. It's called toxic positivity. Have you heard of that? Toxic positivity is where we take positivity and turn it into toxicity. And I see this all the time in mental health. I see this all the time in psychology. Toxic positivity is all about suppression. When we think of toxic positivity, I'm thinking about people who don't give themselves or their loved ones or even influencers or helpers who don't give their clients or their fans permission to feel anything other than happy or good. And that can be coming from a really positive place. It could be coming from a place of, I want to relieve suffering, I want to help you. I don't want you to be anxious, I don't want you to be depressed. But what it ends up doing is it creates this environment where suffering isn't permissible. It creates an environment where nothing is acceptable except for being positive. And if you're experiencing negativity in your life, this movement tells you that it's your fault. This movement says, well, you need to manifest joy. You need to wire your brain to feel joy, you need to pursue joy. You need to cover your whiteboards with positive affirmations. You need to put post it notes on your mirror. You need to speak life. And while all of those wonderful pieces of advice can be helpful and valuable, it's kind of like looking at Mosaic and zooming in on one picture within a mosaic and saying, that's the picture, right? It's just a piece. And that's where it can become toxic. This is when it can become damaging to the person. And so I want to tell you a little bit about toxic positivity. I have some notes written down here to make sure that I don't miss anything for you. I'm also sending you a link. We'll put a link once the blog is up, where I have all of this written down like, like babes. I've been thinking a lot about this and honestly, I think this is a big part of my story too, where I felt like I had to be positive for the people around me. I had to be uplifting. And part of that is called impression management, right Where I want to manage the way that someone perceives me, I want to manage the way that people around me feel. And so I would create this Persona of being really bubbly and being really happy and being really positive. And I'm a bulk, bubbly, happy, positive person. But I also have that full spectrum, that full range of human experiences, just like you do. And toxic positivity would tell me that it's not okay and I don't have permission, and it's bringing other people and myself down by accepting and experiencing and being in all of that. So if you're dealing with anxiety, it's okay. If you're dealing with depression, that's okay. If you're dealing with anger and rage and frustration, that's okay. If we imagine the spectrum of human experiences, it goes across from all of those depression and anxiety and anger and rage. And there's also joy. And joy is a wonderful thing. But there isn't joy without the darkness, right? There isn't sunshine without the clouds. We don't have the full depth of one experience if we don't give ourselves permission to have the others. And so toxic positivity is what I want to talk about today. And I want to start by giving you 10 signs that you're dealing with toxic positivity. Whether this is what you have been taught to think. From your helpers, from your family members, from your friends, from your social media influencers, from the Internet, the news, wherever it's coming from, I want to give you top 10 influences, signs that that's what's happening in your life. And so, number one, that you feel like you have to mask or bypass your true feelings. If you're feeling anxious, you feel like you have to shove that down and be confident for people. If you're feeling depressed and you don't have the bandwidth, you feel like you have to mask that, you have to bypass it, you have to suppress it. That is a sign that you're dealing with toxic positivity. That's number one. Number two is that you feel like you don't have permission to experience what is being defined as a negative feeling feeling. A negative feeling in toxic positivity is really anything that isn't positive, that isn't happy, that isn't bubbly and peppy and delightful. Right? Another sign is if you feel like you have to stuff your emotions. And I can tell you that I am a queen of stuffing my emotions. We were just talking about impression management, how I want to make everyone around me happy. And sometimes that can be at the loss of being authentic of my true self. Do you resonate with that? If anyone resonates with that and it's not just me, give me like a thumbs up or a heart or a high five or something where you feel like you're bringing people down and so then you have to suppress your emotions. It's so validating. Thank you. I see some people who are like, yeah, I feel that way too, because a lot of people tell us, like, you don't want to be around people who are negative. But the thing is, is that we want to be around people who are authentic and people who are doing the work. Right? And so if you feel like you're a suppressor of your emotions, that is a sign that you're dealing with toxic positivity. So that's number one. And so then if you feel like number four is that you have to spend a lot of your time trying to force yourself to be positive. That if you're not feeling positive and you're trying to make yourself be positive, then that's not authentic to that range of human experiences. And that is a sign of toxic positivity. Are you with me, you guys here? We're only at the beginning. Number five. Number five is that you feel guilty. You feel guilty for feeling sad or angry or anxious. And Brene Brown talks a lot about this. Behind what we don't want people to know is often shame. And so instead of suppressing shame, we want to address what we're feeling and why we're feeling that way. Right? So if you feel guilty for feeling normal human emotions, then that's a sign of toxic positivity. Number six is that you are uncomfortable around others when they express a negative, and I use air quotes, right, A negative emotion or try to distract away from those feelings and ways that they may do that to you or that you may do that to them is to say, well, just be positive. Look on the bright side, others have it worse than you. It could be worse than this, right? Those are signs of toxic positivity. And number seven out of 10, there's 10. And I could probably come up with more, but we're just doing 10. Number seven, sign of toxic positivity is the narrative in your environment is reflective of what we just said. The narrative in your environment is to invalidate feelings that you don't want to be feeling. Right. Again, it could be worse. You could feel differently about this. Let's try to reframe that. And reframing is good. The Glitter and Gold Freedom Method that I created is all about reframing. It's all about helping your brain to wire what you desire. But toxic positivity is when you take away your permission to feel the way that you authentically feel. Right. So let's look at number eight. Number eight is when you start to experience a negative emotion. You notice yourself becoming dissociated or disconnected from your own body and from the world around you. We call this did dissociative identity. Dissociation can occur on a spectrum. I have a ton of information on dissociation, so check that out in our Instagram. We also have it in our highlights. And, and so dissociation often will occur when we have such big feelings that we're not addressing. And if we're suppressing them or trying to force ourselves into a completely different state, then that can cause dissociation. And dissociation is just simply where we're checking out, where it's just too much. We're suppressing. And that's another way of emotionally suppressing. And number nine, the number nine sign that you're dealing with toxic positivity is that you feel like you have to hide behind rose colored sunglasses and you do not acknowledge the feelings that you are experiencing. I'm fine. I'm okay. Oh, it's just, just a little bit of blues. It's no big deal. Or I'm just like a little bit nervous or jittery. No big deal. Everything is great. Don't worry about me. Right? Toxic positivity symptom number nine. And then number ten is that you scold yourself or others for a lack of positivity. And I've had this happen. Has anybody else here had this happen where you have come down on yourself like, you are such a negative Nancy. If anybody here has felt that way, give me a highlight or a thumbs up or a wave or some hearts or something like that so that we know that we are not alone in those experiences. Okay, so I made a case for toxic positivity, right? And so the question is, well, why does it matter? Why can't I be toxically positive? Why is this a problem? Why is Dr. Cain spending a whole bunch of time talking about this? And the reason is, I have three for you, it's toxic for your body. We've actually seen that. Toxic positivity, suppression of your emotions, not dealing with your emotions, not honoring your emotions, is actually harmful for the body. Let me tell you just a simple example. I had a friend and he had a really, really good idea and he had been Talking about sharing this idea with his boss. And he was, like, really nervous about it, and he's just kind of hemming and hawing, and he finally. He just got the courage up, he got the nerve. He went and he shared his idea with his boss, right? And you'll never guess what happened. His boss was like, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Go back to your office, right? And so, my friend, he had this huge surge of valid human emotions. He felt angry, he felt completely mortified, and he felt so much shame. And then he just ran back to his office and he had to finish his workday. But he had all these emotions. And so he, like me, he suppresses, right? Is anyone with me? Is anyone suppressed? So he pushed it down, pushed it down, pushed it down. And then he got a horrible migraine that lasted him three days. Has anybody here had that happen? Has anybody here felt like they had to push down their emotions, that they couldn't share their truth, they couldn't speak? And then the symptoms relocated to another part of their body. Our bodies do that. We get symptoms because our symptoms are our body's indicators that something needs healing, that something needs to be addressed. And so what do we do? Number two is that we know that suppression, it can be harmful to the body. We know that suppression can lead to shame. In fact, I have a quote here from Brene Brown. Anyone here heard of Brene Brown? She's amazing. She's doing such innovative work on that mind body connection. And what she says is where there is hiding secrets and denial. Shame is usually in the driver's seat. So toxic positivity often feeds into and is fed by shame. So here's how you might assess if shame is underneath of your experience. You would ask yourself a question. You would say, if blank knew blank, then what would they think? And so here's an example in my story, if my clients, if you guys knew that I dealt with anxiety, then what would you think about me? And so that feeling may create anxiety, it may create a feeling of imposter syndrome. And so if I suppress that, if I push that down, down, down, then it can create a cycle, right? Where I get anxious, it relocates, I get a headache, it relocates, I get nervous system jitteriness, and then I can't sleep. And then we suppress more and more and more, and then I'm covering my mirror with positive affirmations and invalidating myself further. Can you see the cycle? Are you with me? It's not that positive affirmations are A problem. It's the invalidation of the human experience. And so there's another reason, of the three reasons of toxic positivity is a problem, and this is one of the most important. You ready? It's that what we deny will amplify. This is huge, right? Let's say this again. What we deny will amplify. And so we can't solve a problem we're not willing to have. Our body is producing symptoms to try to get our attention. And toxic positivity is all about not paying attention. And. And it's about suppression or redirection or invalidation or all of the things that we use to bypass that emotion. And so instead of addressing our anxiety, instead of addressing our panic, we deny it and we deny ourselves the opportunity for true healing. And then it amplifies, right? So those are the three main things that are a problem with toxic positivity. These are the three main things that toxic positivity can do to you. This is getting in your way of getting your life back. But I have a solution for you. This is my favorite part. And this is where we get hope, right? This is where the ACT method comes into play. And I feel like the ACT method is so incredible because once we learn the basics of the ACT method, we can apply it to almost anything that comes up in our life. And so the first step of the ACT method is to acknowledge. Acknowledge your feelings, babe. Your feelings are valid if you're angry, if you're angry at the same time as you're happy, if you're anxious, if you're anxious, when you feel like you should be confident, it's okay. These feelings are valid. And humans have experiences that are confusing all the time. And it's all about acknowledgement. Just simply say, hey, feeling, I hear you. What do you need me to do for you? And just simply acknowledge it. In fact, the research shows that just talking about your feelings, writing them down, saying them out loud to yourself, thinking them, just simply the process of acknowledgment, which is, by the way, the foundation of psychotherapy and counseling, is as effective or even more effective than most antidepressant medications. The implications of this are huge, right? That by simply acknowledging how we feel, by not suppressing how we feel, can actually be the answers to getting the positivity that we want. It's like such a mind blowing phenomenon if we just stop to think about it. The second step is to identify the cast of characters. Where in your life are you getting messages that reinforce or facilitate toxic positivity? Are there toxic positivity accounts that you're following right now on social media that you need to unfollow? Are there people in your life that are telling you that you do not have permission to feel bad? Are there people in your environment that tell you what? Wow, you've been really down lately. Ugh. You're going to work on that. I was talking with the client yesterday and she was having. She's having a hard time. And the worst part for her is that her family is unable to emotionally deal with her having things that she's dealing with. And so they're putting on her toxic positivity. Right? And so maybe for her, she needs to do an audit on what she's allowing into herself, what she's allowing into her brain. Maybe she needs to be doing a return to sender and putting down a personal boundary and saying, hey, I don't need that feedback from you right now. I want you to hold that space for me. And number three is the tools for transformation. And I have a chart here that I have all written out and we're going to put it in the blog. We're going to make sure we make an infographic so that you don't have to remember all of this, but I want you to use this. So, number one, I'm going to share with you a toxic positivity message. And then number two is I'm going to share with you a replacement honoring and healing statement. Okay? So the good thing about this, my loves, is this can help you transform your life. This can help you get off medications. This can help you get to the root cause of your anxiety. This can help you feel happier. I'm all about positivity, but the argument is the toxic positivity, right? So here's some tools for transcendence. I'm going to give you 10. I'm holding my phone with one hand. And so you only get to see the five here, but there's five times five. And so number one is we're going to. First, I'm going to share with you a toxic thought, toxic positivity thought. And then the second is a replacement thought. And I have them all written down here. So number one, toxic thought. Toxic positivity is manifest your joy. Okay? An honor healing statement. Are you ready for this? I accept how I feel and I am working towards joy. Acknowledgment, Right. Acknowledgement and acceptance. I accept how I feel and I am working towards feeling more joy. Okay? Number two, anxiety is not an option. I totally resonate with this. And as I'm saying this to you, I'm saying it to myself. Toxic positivity. Anxiety is not an option. Number two is anxiety is a message from my mind and my body so that I can heal. I'm listening. Anxiety is a message. That's all it is. Loves, anxiety, depression, anger. They're messages from your mind and body and listening to them will help you heal. Number three, toxic positivity is be positive. Right? Just be positive. Put those post it notes up. Think positive thoughts, be positive. Okay. A replacement is whatever I'm feeling, I accept myself. Whatever I'm feeling, I accept myself. Okay. Number four, I am being a drag by being negative. I am a drag by being negative. That's a toxic positivity thought. Let's replace it. I can love and accept myself no matter what I'm feeling. You're not a drag. Love and accept yourself no matter what you're feeling. You have an amygdala in your brain. Your amygdala makes feelings and we feel the feelings. And they are valid. And often, if we do a dive deep, we can find out why we're feeling that way, even if it's confusing and doesn't make sense. That's why I'm here for you. Right? All right. Another toxic positivity is delete negativity. I see that so much on social media, it makes me crazy. We don't want to delete negativity. Negativity is a sign. It's an indicator. It's an opportunity. So let's replace it. Everybody suffers. I'm not alone. Everybody suffers. You are not alone. Okay, Instead of focus on the positive, you could say, I acknowledge the entire spectrum of what I'm feeling. The entire spectrum. Instead of it could be worse. Others have it worse. You could say my feelings are valid. Your feelings are not valid compared to how other people feel. Your feelings are your feelings and you have a right to all of them. Right. Instead of everything will work out in the end. What I am feeling and what I'm going through is really hard. I'm worthy of time and patience. Right. Instead of everything will work out in the end. What I'm going through right now is really hard. And I am worthy of time and patience. Instead of the frozen Conceal, don't feel. Toxic positivity. Conceal, don't feel, replace it. I can authentically feel and share my feelings with those I trust. I can authentically feel and share my feelings. Okay, this is a good reminder for us. Instead of suppressing, okay. I can authentically feel. Oh, my God. That's really scary, right? Authentically feel. Feel my feelings. Okay, and then the Last 1, Number 10. People won't like me if I'm negative. That's a toxic positivity thought. And that thought can come from your social cast of characters. Those people around you, maybe they said that to you, right? People won't like me if I'm negative. Let's replace it. I authentically accept my friends, and I authentically accept myself. Acceptance, acknowledgement. Looking at your cast of characters and using tools for transformation. Are you guys still with me? Is this valuable for you? How do you feel about this? Because I can tell you that this isn't natural for me and I have to work at it because like I said, I want to be positive. I want to be happy. I want to make you happy. But happiness is just one of so many emotional experiences and how beautiful and amazing it is to be blessed with emotions, to give us data about how we can heal and transcend and triumph. So thank you so much for listening to this. Thank you for being these warriors with me because it's so easy to just be like, oh, delete that negative message. Move on. But we're actually working on true transformation. And you guys are amazing. And so remember, if you're dealing with toxic positivity, you can get your life back. You can do a return to center. I'm not letting this in. I'm sending this back. I deserve freedom. I deserve freedom from anxiety. And I. Ironically, the way to achieve freedom is to look your anxiety in the face and to say, I hear you. I accept you. What do you need me to do for you? Okay, if you haven't checked it out yet, we have an anxiety freedom one week challenge, and it's where I work with you. You're going to get videos, you're going to get a booklet. It's free. It's just my way of loving on you. And so if this video was helpful, if you liked it at all, it makes my heart feel so, so good to know that. And so if you can send me a message, leave a comment, leave a little heart, or maybe even subscribe so that the algorithm tells us the content that we're sharing is valuable. And I want you to know I'm with you. Everything I'm telling you about is stuff that I'm working on. And so thank you for being on this journey with me. I am grateful for you. And sometimes I'm going to show up and I'm going to be grumpy and I'm going to be negative because that's okay. And we're going to accept each other for that, right? I honor you. I love you. Please check out the one week challenge. It's my gift to you. There's no risk. It's literally just free. And so that's gonna help us. We're gonna work on that together. If you don't know who this is, I'm Dr. Nicole. We have tons of stuff on here, and so make sure to check it out and I will be back. I will talk to you guys later. Lots of love. Thank you so much.