Struggling with Social Anxiety?

Do you deal with social anxiety? Do worries about being in social groups or job settings or parties or family gatherings, do those things stress you out? If that is part of your experience, then this is the life for you. I'm Dr. Nicole Cain, and I've been working for over a decade in integrative approaches to helping people get their lives back from anxiety. My training is in clinical psychology, counseling specialization, and naturopathic medicine. And today I want to briefly chat with you about the topic of social anxiety. This is a question that's come up quite a lot in our warriors group and in messages that I receive on Instagram and other platforms. And social anxiety is becoming more and more prominent as time goes, especially with what's happening in our culture, what's happening in our society. And so today I want to talk with you briefly about what is causing social anxiety, how the brain actually works, and what you can do in order to send social anxiety to the curb. I want you to be able to live your life the way you want it, and stopping social anxiety in its tracks is one of the first steps. And so as I talk, if you have questions or if you have comments, leave them below and I'll do my best to answer them during this live. Otherwise, I'll make sure to reply to each and every one of you throughout the week as you post your questions. And so when it comes to social anxiety, what it is, it's a combination of a learned habit and a defense mechanism that's there to try to protect us. And it's also a combination of what's happened to us biologically and in terms of trauma. And a lot of people who have social anxiety don't have a clear understanding of how the mind works. And as a result of that, they do their very best to try to create an understanding through theories and human observations and the way that they feel and their frame of reference from their past and where they came from. And one of the most important things to share with you if you're dealing with social anxiety is that most people remember very little of what we say. In fact, there's a study that was done that said that a patient who's going to the doctor to receive information, who's mindfully paying attention to that conversation will only remember about 10% of what is said in that visit. And if you're out with your friends or if you're out with family members, most people will forget what has been said. What we do remember is how we felt. And so people who deal with social anxiety oftentimes they don't have this information, they don't realize it, and they work really hard, hard to curate what they're saying. And then after the fact, they worry about, oh my gosh, I said this, and then she responded with that. And then they hyper and analyze the conversation where it's most likely, unless the person you were conversing with has a diuretic memory, maybe they remember everything, but it's most likely that they don't remember the conversation the way that you do. And so what can be a root cause of social anxiety is were you embarrassed in the past, were you bullied? Or did you feel different, like you didn't fit in? Or did you ever not feel like you're part of a group? And what else might have happened that impacted your confidence in putting yourself out there? And so one of the first things in the act method is to start to create a narrative around where you came from and how you might have arrived at where you are today. Start to acknowledge and to start to examine what might be a part of your history that has been giving you the data that you presently have that tells you that social interactions aren't safe. And the second thing that we want to do is to honor the part of ourselves that's tried to adapt to that. And so when it comes to social anxiety, our parts emerge in an attempt to protect ourselves. And so they may withdraw, not put themselves in social situations because social situations are scary, or they don't feel safe, or they feel dangerous, or they may come up with ways to mind read or theories about what the other person is thinking so that they can come up with the exact right thing to say or the right thing to do in every moment. And then what happens is this part that's trying to protect you can go into analysis paralysis. Have you ever experienced that? Analysis paralysis is just where our brain is going and going and it's analyzing. An example of how this may come out in your life is I had a client who, she had a really difficult time sleeping. She was anxious, but the anxiety was really manifesting in sleep. And when she would go to bed, her brain would suddenly click on and start to go over conversations that she'd had throughout the day. She was thinking about what she said, did she say the wrong thing? She was noticing the expressions of the other person's face and worrying about were they judging her or did she say something offensive or what did they say back? Did they think she was stupid? The brain starts to play into that, and I see this really commonly in high Achievers. I see this really commonly in highly intelligent people who pay close attention. They care very much. They have a lot of people that they're working with and interacting with. And this analysis paralysis is simply a part trying to protect you and trying to serve you so that you're safe in optimal in social situations. And so going back and trying to identify where might this have come from? Were there any experiences in my past that might have given these parts place to arise so that they can try to protect me in this way that is now hogging center stage and sending you backstage so you can't live the life the way you want it? Does social anxiety prevent you from feeling excited and confident when you're doing speaking engagements? Do you feel like dread and anxiety? Do you want to take a Klonopin before you go out and do a speaking engagement, or before you teach, or before you meet with a friend, before you go out with your family? Does that social anxiety start to put you into an analysis paralysis state where you're hyperanalyzing and worrying about the things that are said. It takes us out of the flow. It puts us in this hyper analytical state where it can then even be more difficult to be present to be with the people that we love or the people that we're trying to communicate with. And when we have those past experiences that are evoking that part, what we might do is we might then project onto other people what we're thinking in our own minds. We're thinking about what happened to us in the past. And then we're projecting onto them what we're thinking they might be thinking or that we're analyzing what they might be perceiving. And so a couple of things is to know that the brain is in a state of hyper vigilance, especially when we're not socializing. It's kind of like if you go into one of those egg pods deprivation tanks and you go in there and you're totally silenced. There's no noise, there's no light, it's dark. It's just you and your thoughts. And then when you go out of the pod, have you ever noticed how the light seems brighter and the noise seems a little louder? Or after you leave a dark movie theater and you've been sitting in the dark and then you go out and it's daytime and the sun feels really bright? That's what happens when we've been in a pattern of not socially engaging is we withdraw in an attempt to protect ourselves, remove ourselves from embarrassment, to remove ourselves from feeling vulnerable. And then our nervous system is starting to get queued up and it's anticipating it and thinking about it. And then when we go do it, everything is amplified. And so the experience that we're having in our internal bodies is quite different from the experience of the other people that we're with. And then we start to worry about what they're thinking. We start to mind read, we start to project the past onto them. Does it make sense how that anxiety pattern can come out and how the anxious part of the brain might not be dialed in on what's actually happening? So the question is, is okay, I may have had these bad experiences or maybe I didn't, and I'm just socially anxious. And the question is, what do you do about it? And so I'm going to give you several tips today. I'm going to keep it short, keep it quick. I'm going to give you several tips on what to do if you're dealing with social anxiety. And so number one is to dump perfectionism. Babes, you're going to make mistakes socially, you're going to say the wrong thing. And we just have to relinquish the need to be perfect in our social interactions. People remember how they feel. They won't remember what you said. And so dump perfectionism and replace that with radical empathy for yourself. In the act method, we talk about radical acknowledgement, but I think a really key part of that process is to empathize with yourself the way you would empathize with somebody that you care about. So if you're in a social setting with a girlfriend that you really care about and she misspeaks, are you going to criticize her? Are you going to come down on her? Or are you going to be like, oh, whatever, let that go. She misspeaks. Somebody that you love, treat yourself with the same empathy and love that you would give to your friend, somebody that you care about who might have misspoken. So number one is to dump perfectionism and number two is to be picky. These are the people that you choose to be with that are going to honor you, accept you for who you are and auditing your relationships and removing people with whom you do not flow, you're going to be rejected by the people who do not belong in your tribe. And you're going to learn by putting yourself out there who you should hang out with and learning about what activities are fun for you and how to speak up. And so if you have social anxiety, we have to get ourselves out there. We have to Practice and rehearse hanging out with people, putting ourselves out there, and making sure that you're doing that with people who feel really safe and who you trust and is a really important first step. So you have to be picky. Choose mindfully who you hang out with. And that brings up number three, which is releasing the scarcity mindset. A lot of people feel like there aren't enough people out there that they could get along with, that their community is too small, that people don't understand them, that there's just not enough friends, and so they have to deal with who they're around or who they have in their social circle. And that's just simply not the case. It may be that at this moment in time, you don't know very many people or your social circle isn't very broad, but there are a billion people on this planet, and it only takes three. So if you can cultivate three close relationships with people that you honor and trust and that honor and trust you, that is a great starting point. So number three is to release the scarcity mindset. I want you to speak your truth. Don't change yourself to fit into other people's worlds. Don't restrict yourself to a group of friends who are negative, toxic, who judge you, who reinforce your feelings of anxiety in that social situation. Do an audit of your relationships and release the scarcity mindset. And then the next is number four, starting with structure. And so in terms of meeting new people, one of the cures to social anxiety is to get used to social activities. And doing that in a structured environment is a really safe option. For example, maybe starting with online, which is great in this time that we're dealing with on this planet right now is online groups, especially an online group that has boundaries and rules. And so you might look for a structured environment, maybe people who like gardening or people who like playing Dungeons and Dragons, or maybe even an anxiety group where there's a moderator. Did you know we had an anxiety freedom group? You can check it out. I'll make sure that the link is included below. But starting with structure is a really great way to put yourself out there in a sense of safety, where it's more predictable. And the structure can also be really important and helpful so that you know what to expect. Other people know what to expect. And there's kind of a general culture and rules. And the number five is thought checking. It is so easy to give into microanalysis. And so checking your thoughts at the door is really important. Your inner dialogue is always going to be Going off in the background. In fact, your brain processes billions of bits of information a second, and we only pay attention to a small number of those things. And we have to be mindful with our thought checking. That part of you that's hyper vigilant, that part of you that's anxious, that part of you that's analysis paralysis ing in social situations is going to be contacting you in the background and saying, hey, pay attention to me. Notice me. And when you're quiet, you might notice that those thoughts get louder, like when we're trying to go to sleep, right? And so our inner dialogue is going to be going off in the background, and it's all about how much credence we give it. If you're in a dangerous situation and you're walking through a dark alley or the woods at night and your brain is going on in the background, it's good to pay attention to that because it's honoring where you mindfully want to be. But if you're going on a speaking engagement, or if you have to teach a class, or if you're going out to a bar with some new friends, or if you're going on a blind date, we want to make sure that we don't give in to microanalysis. So those thoughts are coming up in the background, and there are a few steps to dealing with that. So number one is to notice. Number two is to honor. And number three is to drop. Notice, honor, drop. Okay, I'm worried that he's looking at my face and that there's something in my teeth. Honor that. And I'm choosing to drop it. Notice, honor, drop. So don't give in to microanalysis. Just notice, honor, and drop it. And then number six is working on your past story. Remember, we don't want to project onto people what happened to us in the past. We don't want to hold people accountable for our past wounds, our past trauma. So working on your past story, doing your origin story work, looking at the past chapters that you have walked through, and healing and working on that, is going to help prevent you from allowing your past to hold on to you. Today in the Anxiety Freedom Breakthrough Group, we were talking about backpacking. And sometimes I can be a natural backpacker. Something bad happens, I throw that rock in my backpack. Something else bad happens, I throw that rock in my backpack. And it is so easy to just continue to haul those around. And the problem with that is, is that if I'm walking with somebody, it can feel really heavy, even though that person isn't putting weight on me. I'm putting that weight on myself. And so sometimes when we have a social anxiety, it could be because we were mistreated. It could be because we had a friend who was going through a difficult time and put a lot of blame or yucky feelings on us and we took it in and we owned that when it wasn't ours. Maybe we went through an abusive situation or we lost someone or we got made fun of as speaking engagement. Look at those rocks that are in your backpack and start to work on mindfully setting those rocks down one by one, because it's time to write your new chapter and those rocks don't belong in your new chapter. And then the last is Undefined rubrics. A lot of people in this country are focused on hierarchy. What car do you drive? How many friends do you have? How many kids do you have? Where did you go on vacation? How big is your ring? All of these different things. And we put them on our social media highlights and we scroll through them and we just see person after person after person with their perfect, filtered, edited, curated life. And we are constantly judging ourselves. And then when we put ourselves out there, we feel inadequate, we feel anxious, we feel inferior, we feel insecure. And so looking at these undefined rubrics of judging ourselves and valuing ourselves are the tickets to social anxiety. And so I encourage you to define rubrics. What makes me a good person? What do I admire in other people? What are different traits and qualities and characteristics that I want to cultivate? And then the second thing is, how am I spending my time? Am I going into specific groups and groups that are nurturing and uplifting, or am I just mindlessly scrolling through my social media? And if I am, how can I limit that? If you want to learn more about social anxiety, I will be talking quite a lot about this in the Anxiety warriors group. And so go and check it out. It's totally free. It's a place where you can get support. We also have the one week anxiety freedom challenge, which is 14 tips that you can start applying right now. And today you're going to get videos, a booklet, all sorts of wonderful information. In addition to a community that is curated, that is structured, that is safe for you to come and practice hanging out and being with awesome, amazing people. And so check us out and if there are any other topics or questions that I can go over with you, I would love that. Just leave a comment or send us a dm. To learn more about me, you can go to my website, www.drnicolecane.com otherwise I will see you again on Friday. I am here every Wednesday and Friday right around 1 o' clock 1:15 and I would look forward to seeing you guys next time. So thank you and have a wonderful rest of your week. Take care.