When estranged from your adult child, stop asking relatives to relay messages. Instead, own your part in the conflict without defensiveness, then reach out directly with a simple message that expresses love and asks nothing in return.
When your adult child is talking to everyone in your family except for you, with the holidays coming up, that can feel like a punch in the gut. And I want you to hear this: recent studies show that 1 in 10 of adults are estranged from their parent or their child. The first thing that you can do is not get anyone else involved. So if they're talking to their siblings, don't involve their siblings. That is key. What you should say is, "Enjoy your relationship with them. I don't want to use you as a messenger." The second thing that you need to do is you need to own your side without defending. You need to take a look and say, "Did I make them feel unsafe? Did I make them feel unheard?" Take responsibility. And of course, this is easier said than done, so I recommend journaling about it. So if you do reach out to your estranged adult child, here's what you say. And this may not be appropriate for all situations, so take it with a grain of salt. So what you can say is, "Listen, I'm not looking for a response." I love you. I'm doing some reflecting on my part, and when you would like to reconnect, I am here for you. So if this hits home for you, then please message me. I work with parents all the time on how to have these conversations.
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