Anxiety and loneliness after a divorce - The Conquerors Podcast.

Welcome back to the Conquerors podcast, man, where we're going to talk about all things conquering divorce, conquering relationships, and really just conquering self development in general, because we want to become more than conquerors. And this podcast is really to help encourage you and equip you with powerful tools that can begin to transform your life if you apply them. And so today I have an incredible guest. Today I have Veronica, who is actually a author. She wrote a book, and obviously that's what author means, right? And then on top of that, she is a divorce recovery coach as well. And we're going to be covering some incredible things. So welcome, Veronica, to the Conquerors podcast.

Hello.

Man. Look at you all dolled up.

Oh, I did it for you guys because I look like death today, but that's ok.

Pushing through, huh?

Yeah, it's been a long two weeks, but that's.

That's incredible. Honestly, thank you so much for being on the podcast today. I'm really excited. I. I know that we're going to help so many people. We've done lives together. We've gone live in the app together also. And. Well, I mean, really, you're the one that taught during that time. Right? But I know that everybody genuinely, genuinely enjoyed you. And I can't wait to see just everything that we covered today. But before we get started with everything, I just want to ask, like, how did you get started? First of all with writing a book, and then second of all with helping people.

Okay, the book. So I always wanted to be an author. This is actually, like, short but hilarious story to me because I literally always said I wanted to be an author, like, forever. I was like, I'm going to write a book one day. I'm going to write a book one day. I want to write a book one day. And then when I got into my 20s, I was like, I literally have nothing to say. I was like, I have nothing to say. Like, I have, like, very minimal experience, very sheltered life, church life. And I was like, I really have nothing to say. And I was like, I'll write a book when I have something to say. And wouldn't you know that the opportunity presents itself. Amen. And so I go through this horrific marriage experience and then traumatic birth and then the aftermath of all of that. And so I was like, I think I have something to say now. And so that's what I did. I actually started writing the book, and it was my therapy because I was, like, you know, thrown into the throngs of motherhood, really struggling to get A grip of all of it. Doing it all by myself. My kid was colic, so I swear to God, I didn't sleep for 10 months. This is true life.

Oh, my word.

And so. And by myself, you know, like, 10 months of no sleep makes you a crazy person.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Yeah. And so that's. I wrote the book during that time because it was my only sanity, is my only way of, like, getting stuff out. And so I finished the book, and then I met with publishers, and they're like, yeah, it's good, but, you know, you got to get a little more raw with it. And I was like, you want me to go full send? Okay. So then I did that. So that's the process of writing a book. If anybody in here wants to write a book, I just encourage you. Just go for it. Don't overthink it. You have to edit it, like, four or five, six times anyways. Somebody's not going to like it. Somebody's going to love it. Make it for the audience of one. And that's the one person you can possibly help with it. That's it.

Yeah. Geez. I. I bet it felt really good, though, whenever they said, hey, you need to be more real, more open about this because did you feel like you were holding back at first?

So I'm an eight on the Enneagram. If anybody else is an eight, you probably are an eight. Frank.

I don't know.

What.

I don't know any of the Enneagrams, if I'm being honest. What's an 8?

An 8. 8. Struggle with vulnerability the most. So these are like your leaders. These are your. I'm going to spit it to you, like, 100% truth. There is no sugar coating on anything. This, Frank, this is you. So anyways, the vulnerability piece took a lot for me because, well, if you read the book or if you know the story. I got married and, like, I got pregnant two months later. And then within four months, my husband was having an affair, which I knew instinctually, but he didn't confess until I was nine months pregnant. Oh, wow. And so I was really embarrassed, which kind of goes into what we're talking to today. But, like, there's a lot of embarrassment. Like, I felt really, really embarrassed.

Yeah, I can imagine.

And ashamed. And I was like. And also, like, first time, it was like, such a conflicting time because it's like, I was excited about being a mom, but this is definitely not the way you want to be a mom. You know what I mean? Like, having to go through like, the worst time of your life. And so vulnerability was really hard because I was really, really embarrassed.

Wow. So you found out about the affair or knew about it four months into the pregnancy.

Yeah. So let me tell you about my relationship with Jesus real quick.

Just go ahead and sprinkle a little bit of Jesus in there.

I'm going to sprinkle it for some people here, because women are very intuitive to begin with. But I. I like to say I have this special relationship with Jesus, and it's this. I'm like, God, if I have to hear it from anybody else, I want to hear it from you first, so. Because you're gonna prepare me to deal with it, right? You're gonna prepare me to handle it. And so I felt like something was off for a lot of different reasons. I was like, something is just terribly wrong. And, you know, I didn't want to be one of those people who just like, I'm gonna accuse you of something. And so I was like. And I prayed. I mean, for months. I was like, God, something is wrong. I don't know what it is. I'm like, but give me insight. Give me wisdom. Like, tell me what's happening here. And so, you know, no answers, right? But, like, lots of stirring. You know, it's like, no answers, but stirring. And so finally one day, I was so beyond frustrated, and I said, God, I just want the details. I'm like, you know, I can handle this. Like, I just want the details. And this might freak some of y' all out. And it did not freak me out, because I honestly prayed for this. But I had the name of the person locations. Like, I got a vision of, like, the text message, like, everything, and I was 100 correct on who it was, and I called him out on it, and then he was like, no, you're crazy. Your pregnancy hormones, all this other stuff. And I was like, no, I'm pretty sure this is 100% accurate. And then a month later, he tells me, so.

Geez, what? That's. That's wild. That's powerful right there. The fact that, like, God spoke to you and gave you clarity of it, it just shows that he was. He was. I mean, he was looking out for you. Honestly, how did he take that?

So it's funny, because most people, if you have, like, no experience with the prophetic, like, when somebody tells you they're prophetic and, like, God can literally tell them things. Like, some people are like, no, it doesn't exist. That's not true.

Freak out a little bit.

Yeah. And So I mean, I'd always told him. I was like, listen, like, I'm really not the person you can mess with. I'm like, because Jesus is going to tell on you.

I love that.

The Lord will reveal. And so, you know, I told him. I was like, yeah, I've been praying about this for months. I was like, I know exactly who it is. And I mean, this is like a needle in a haystack. I mean, for real. Because he's. Can't say okay, but what he does, he meets a lot of people. You know, he tours all the time. He's all over the country all the time. And so I was just like, a needle in a haystack, man. A name. I'm talking about a frickin name. I was like. And then I felt so much better about it, honestly. Because if God reveals it, he can heal it. And I really, really believe that. And that's in every area of our lives. And so I was like, well, this is what it is. What are you going to do now?

That's incredible, man. That's incredible. It's so true though. It's so true that the prophetic is, is something that a lot of people kind of, they get a little weirded out about. The other day, me and my buddy Brandon, we went live on Instagram just to pray for people. And there was a couple of people that we got some prophetic words for, which was very, very powerful. I'm talking about to, to the T where it was like, you know, you are sitting in a leather couch right now. And they were like, yeah, actually I am. And then it was things specific about their father and they were like, actually, yes. And I had never met the person before. And Brandon, same thing, got a prophetic word about somebody dealing with alcoholism that wanted to break that off. It was a powerful, powerful, powerful night. But there was some people probably that were like, what the heck is going on? But it's so true. You know, God cares about every single person. We are all his kids. Right. It's just some of us don't like accept the invitation for adoption.

Right?

But it doesn't mean that we're less kids. And so it's, it's phenomenal to hear that God was speaking to you through this and really just setting you up for the best possible outcome in something that was just so terrible. So tell us, you said in the beginning, you said that you had a very like traumatic birth, like giving birth. What the heck? What the heck happened there?

So my birth. So he confessed to his Affair. And I was already. I was almost nine months, so I was like, really? I was like, like a week away or something. And huge. And summertime in Nashville. And so I'm swollen. I look like Princess Fiona. Like, this is not exaggeration. I will show y' all pictures. This is real life. I look like Princess Fiona. And I was like, okay. I go to the doctor. You know, like, normal, you know, towards the end.

Yeah.

The time. And so I'm like, okay. And they're like, is something wrong? Like, has something changed in your world? And I was like, no. Again, embarrassed. Not willing to be vulnerable.

Well, and also, it's like, heck, kind of none of your business.

Yeah, but. And I was like, everything's fine. Why? They're like, your blood pressure is, like, through the roof. Wow. And I'm like, oh, okay.

I wonder why that is.

And so then they're like, okay, well, she's like, I really need you to tell me the truth. She's like, is something wrong? Like, are you stressed out? Like, because you've been good your entire pregnancy, and this is really high. Out of nowhere, we're gonna have to run blood tests. We're gonna have to do all this stuff. And I'm like, okay, whatever. And I was like, I'll calm down. I'm like, it's fine. Just had a rough day at work or whatever it was. And I was, like, trying to work out and, like, feeling like I'm dying, you know, because your blood pressure is too high. It literally feels like you're having a heart attack, you know, when you're trying to do stuff. And so, anyways, long story short, they're like, we have to induce you. Like, this is too high, like, the medical emergency. And like, I was like, well, you know, it's like, only, like, 35 weeks. I'm like, can we wait a little bit longer? Like, because I didn't want. My worst fear was that my kid was going to be in, like, the nicu, and I have severe, like, separation anxiety to begin with. So I was like, I will not be able to recover. Like, I'm not going to be able to handle this. And so they're like, okay, well, you need to figure out how to calm down. I'm like, okay. Anyways, they induce me at 37 weeks. They're like, that's it. We cannot let you go any longer. Like, this is dangerous. And I'm like, okay, we're going to go. So I'm like, you know, for people who've never had a baby, I'm not dilated. So cervix is not ready, okay? It is not go time for my body. And so they give you all this stuff, right? They give you pills. And so I was so devastated by this because my dream birth, such a hippie, was a water birth and, like, you know, all natural, which I did give an unmedicated birth, aside from the induction. So there's, like, no epidural. Like, nothing.

Right, man. And that just shows your resilience right there. If anything shows resilience is that.

Anyways, so I just prayed. I was like, God, everything is a disaster. Everything. I mean, this marriage is an absolute shit show. I'm like, my birth is ruined. You know, like, the whole thing that I wanted, that I prepared for, that I've always dreamed about, everything is. My God. Why am I getting emotional? I literally felt like. Like every dream that I had was shattered. Like, literally. I want to cry. I have waterproof mascara, but that's what it felt like. It felt like everything. I had waited so long because I got married late. I was, like, 32 or 31. And so, like, I felt like everything that I waited for such a long time and that I had done all the right things, you know? I mean, like, I recommitted my life to the Lord. I was doing everything, you know, by the book, the Bible book, okay? And it just. It all fell apart, like, for no apparent reason. And so I was devastated. And I was like, you know what, God? I'm like, you can still do something with this, you know? I'm like, I don't want. There's a lot of random, extremely scary procedures that they can do for your baby to come, you know, when you're not actually in labor. And so I was like. I'm like, just. I don't want to do any of those things. Like, I don't want to have a C section. Like, I don't want to do any of these things. Like, yeah, just help me out anyways. Give me stupid pills to help your service dilate. And, like, they come back in, like, four hours later. And I was like, well, I just feel really crampy. And, you know, so they start, like, doing all the monitoring or whatever. They're like, oh, my God. Like, you kicked into labor. This never happens. And I'm like, oh, my God. It's a miracle. It's a miracle. So my body kicks into labor. Now it's doing it, right? Like, it's doing what do. It's contracting. You know, cervix is dilating. Doing all the things. And then it comes time, mine. This is my first kid, okay? I've never delivered a baby before. And so the lady's like, well, I'm just asking her. It's like, so. So when do you start to push?

When's. When's the hard part?

I was like, when are you starting to push? I have a photographer there. And they're like, is she even dilated? They're like, she's at 9. And she's like, how are you not screaming? I was like, believe me when I tell you I feel worse pain. You know, like, my heart was in worst pain, that the physical pain was like nothing. And so, like. And I sang this random song. But anyways, long story short, because my body was not ready to deliver, I literally, like, sorry for the graphics. Tore to smithereens, like, ripped my entire pelvic floor. And so most people after they give birth can actually walk. I could not.

Geez.

Because my pelvic floor, which is like, stabilizing muscles, they were all torn. So, like, I went to try to walk and I was like, boosh. Just like, fell over. Anyways, it's been a long recovery. Five years.

So you're telling. So you're telling me that you found out about an affair while you were pregnant and then you gave birth and the birth was one of the most painful things that you've experienced while you were experiencing one of the most painful things you've ever experienced. Like, Veronica, you are a miracle, dude.

I thank you. Jesus is the miracle here.

But yeah, man, that. That's. That's amazing. Hopefully that's encouraging to somebody that's listening because everyone's going through a really hard time. But, like, to me, I feel like that is. That is one of those, like, next level type of hard times. Like, that is no joke, no joke whatsoever, which is. I mean, it's just insane. So let's fast forward just a little bit past that where, you know, we can kind of navigate into the. The topic for today.

Right.

Just feeling the whole being anxious and lonely. Like, take us through what that was after, you know, you had the baby, after you found out about the affair, and then obviously the divorce came into play. So then where was Veronica at after that?

Very lost. I was lost. But it was mainly the fog of postpartum. And so after around 10 months, I come out of the postpartum fog, which was, you know, probably great. It was great for me and great for my. My friends. It was not so great for my then husband. And so I Come out of the fog. And I realize, holy crap. Like I have got to make a decision. Like I can't keep living like this. Yeah, he wasn't repented at all, you know, he was whatever. But it was an experience, to say the least. And my anxiety, let's talk about anxiety because here's what happens. Anxiety is basically you not facing your feelings. You're just stuffing them down and stuffing them down and stuffing them down. And again, being the person that I am, I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to talk about it. I'm just like, I'm going to keep pushing through. I got this. I'm strong. And you can only fake strong for so long.

Yep.

And then your body tells you, you know. And so that's what was happening. I was starting to have anxiety attacks. I was starting to have panic attacks. And in my, like on my day to day, I was like, what? What's wrong with me? Like I was literally downstairs like getting a bottle together and just like, like full on meltdown, like losing my marbles as I call it. And. And I was like, what's wrong with me? And so I go into the cycle of what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? Never realizing like, oh, you just haven't dealt with any of your frickin feelings about what happened. You know, I was just plowing through because I'm like, well, I gotta, I gotta give birth. And I was like, well, I gotta take care of a baby. Well, I gotta get this together. Well, my body's not healing well. This is taking too long. And all.

Which are all valid excuses, but they're still excuses to not deal with the main issue.

Well, and I will say this in hindsight.

Go ahead.

I really, really, really wish I would have addressed it sooner because the anxiety doesn't diminish, it just builds.

Yeah, Stacks.

All of. Yeah, it just stacks. And it stacks quick. Yeah. And so like two years, two and a half. Yeah. My daughter's about two and a half years old. Oh my God. It was like an eruption of anxiety. And I have high functioning anxiety, so I'm. You'll never know. Like unless I tell you I'm an anxious person. You would never know because I just get shit done, you know, like that's my thing. I'm like, okay, I'm anxious. Let me write a book. You know, I'm anxious. Let me go open a brand new hotel.

I don't got time to get anxious. I gotta write a book.

Yeah. I was like, well, let me go run, you know, a luxury hotel. No problems. I got this. And so I was just very, you know, productive in one way, but very unproductive in the way that matters most. And it's basically keeping yourself, your heart, your mind, spirituality, emotions, all that stuff in check. And I did not do a good job with that initially. And, I mean, it's really taken a lot of work, a lot of work to. To unravel that and really get past the root causes of that. Being angry, bringing myself feeling like I made a poor choice. And, you know, when you have kids, obviously you have that extra dynamic of like, you failed your kid, you know, or feeling like you failed your kid because you had a partner. Yeah. And so, I mean, there's just so much. I mean, you know, everybody in here, if you have kids, you understand that that kid dynamic is what really pushes you over the edge because, you know, you always want to do better than what your parents did. Right? Always. And then, you know, when it all falls apart, and especially when it's not really your fault, it's like, yeah.

Like, what the heck? So. So take us to that then, where it's like. Because I know there's a lot of people right now, more than likely, you know, the. The conquerors that are here live, and then anybody who's listening to this when the podcast airs, that they're probably dealing with that anxiousness and just carrying that weight, but they're also, you know, you hear it all the time, like, yeah, you know, just go to the gym, hang out with your friends, and all those things are good. But it never addresses the root issue. It's just a distraction. So what. What. What actions did you begin to take that made you switch from distracting yourself to actually dealing with the root cause?

Yeah, so I. For me, like, worship music is my thing, and everybody find a thing. And I. I honestly tell my clients this. I'm like, find. I call it a peace song. And it's basically one song, whatever it is. And it doesn't matter if it's Christian, non Christian.

But what is, like, your fight song? This is.

Yeah.

Fight song.

But it's. It's a song that no matter how anxious I am, no matter what I'm going through, it brings you right back into just, like. I call it a small space. The small space of, like, peace. Right. And then when you can calm yourself down, like, calm the nervous system down a little bit, and then start asking yourself the questions, why am I anxious right now? What happened? What is triggering me? Why is that triggering me. And I always do, which they do this in business, too, but I go down the seven whys, like, seven layers deep. Why this? But why? But why? But why? But why, until you get all the way down to the bottom. And once you get down to the bottom, usually most people are, like, balling their butts off because you finally figured out, like, oh, this is why I'm super upset about this, because all the other things that are presenting themselves along the way are just symptoms.

Exactly.

It's not what you're actually upset about. It's just what's bringing it all up. And so I did a lot of work with my why's, and I got, like a notepad or whatever, and anytime I was feeling upset, I would write down, okay, feeling like this today. Do the whys get down to the core? But honestly, once you've done this enough, you really don't need it. Write down the whys. You know yourself enough to be like, oh, it's this, you know? You know what I mean?

Because you've. You've explored. I think that's what a lot of us. We never get to the place where we've explored ourselves enough to where we know why we're feeling what we're feeling, when we're feeling it. And obviously, there's different triggers, but it's usually you get quicker to the root of it. Right? So, yeah, I even have moments now where I get frustrated with, you know, my mom or my dad. It's just family's family. You see what I'm saying? But after, after, or even during now, I've gotten so good at it, where it's like I'm starting to catch myself in the middle of it, where I'm able to address it and tell them, look, I'm not mad right now. I'm actually just hurting, or I feel some sort of shame or I feel some sort of fear, and I communicate the root cause of it. But it took me getting, like you said to the journal, where I was like, okay, why am I feeling this way right now? I just feel like, da, da, da, da, da. And then exploring that, and it's kind of like, you know, maps. Like, if. If we never, ever explore ourselves, then we don't know why we're dealing with what we're dealing. And then we expect somebody else to see us, and we expect to feel seen and heard by somebody else. But it's. It's so hard because how are they supposed to see us and hear us when we don't even know how to see and hear ourselves.

Right.

And how are we supposed to feel seen and heard when we don't even know what that actually feels like? Because we've never given that to ourselves. And so I think it's so true what you're saying. It's like, you got to be able to sit down, write these things out, figure out exactly what's going on. And so what was that like for you, being an eight? Being somebody who doesn't want to be vulnerable, to finally accept the fact and accept the truth that, dude, I am hurting, and it is some ugly things that I. I don't want to believe, but I'm thinking about them, and they're causing genuine pain. What was it like navigating that territory?

That was a shit show. Yeah, it was really hard because another part of my personality, which I'm sure a lot of people can resonate with, with. Is wanting to make peace with stuff. Yeah. And for a really long time, I felt like wanting to make peace included the other person. And it took me a while, especially really good horse, to realize that peace does not involve the other person. Making peace is making peace with yourself and what happened and then letting it go. Like, in the sense that we're not going to keep harboring the anger, the resentment, the whatever the feelings are. It's like we're just going to make peace with it. And I got to be honest, that took the longest for me with him, what. What he did, you know, and everything else, because I was really holding on to the anger there, like, for a long time, and it's not worth it, guys.

I mean, what do you think? Why do you think we hold on to the anger so often? Because, I mean, there's some people. If you go to my. If you go to my reels on Instagram, I mean, you'll see some people that are just like, I will never forgive him for what he did to me, or, I'll never forgive her. I'm like, dude, you're keeping yourself stuck. So why do you think that we. We believe in that moment that the best option is to hold on to anger and unforgiveness?

Yeah. Very simply, you think they owe you something. I had to get over that. I went to. I don't know what they're called. They call them liberty sessions. Okay. But they're like, you know, you go pray with some people, like the elders of your church or whatever they call it. A liberty session.

Yeah.

And so this lady's praying over me, and she's like, she's like, you feel like he owes you something. You can't move forward because you feel like you are owed something.

Wow.

And. And she, like. They make you, like, say stuff or whatever, and so she made me say his name and say, you owe me nothing. Okay? And so when she said it to me, like, stonewall over here. You know, eight. I'm not vulnerable. I wasn't crying. Liberty session, nothing. I mean, stonewall over here. Yeah. And so she's like, okay, go say it. And literally, the words could not come out of my mouth. Could not come out of my mouth at all. And I'm talking, like, for 20 minutes, I just sat there. Like, I can't say that.

Like, yeah.

Because that's how I feel. And so when I finally said it, it literally was like, something broke. And, I mean. And I am not a public crier, okay? Y' all don't know that about me, but I am not. And I know you just.

You just held it back a couple minutes ago. It was coming. We're about to get it.

You were like, nope, really good at this. I'm like, nope, nope, nope. Yeah.

At least you didn't do the classic women do where they. They dry their tears with their hands before the tears come out.

No. And so, yeah, I think that's what it is. The anger is because you want it to be justified.

Yeah.

You want to be justified in your anger, which maybe you are, maybe you're not. I feel like I was. I think everybody would agree that I was, but it doesn't matter. And that's the thing. Like, if I could teach anybody, going through the situation is like, don't waste so much time being angry about it. Yeah. Don't waste so much time, like, being anxious and, like, you know, the woe is me and making yourself the victim the whole time. You know, whether you are or whether you aren't. Maybe you're the one who caused the divorce. Like, whatever it is, like, you waste so much time sitting in the negative emotions that you need to just reframe them and quickly move through them. That way, you can get to the other side of it, you know? Like, I really, like, genuinely wasted years being angry. And I mean pissed. Like, you're really, really, really angry, and that was causing all the anxiety because I'm like, he owes me something. He owes me something. You know, even though I said it and I had that little meltdown, you know, still in my heart, I'm like, he owes me something. And so the other thing I will tell you, all of you if you don't know this yet, I'm going to help you. Nobody owes you anything.

Yep, it's very true.

Nobody owes you anything. You want something, go get it. Yeah. Somebody took something from you, your job, to go recover it. Nobody owes you anything. And it's an entitlement mentality, you know, like, thinking that, like, oh, well, you. You know, you ruined my marriage, so you owe me the rest of your life, and I'm gonna make you pay for it, you know? And it's like.

Yeah, because. Because to some degree, there is. There is a validation reason to be angry in that moment. It's like. Like you just said, like, you ruined my marriage. Well, this dude, you know, in your head at that time, ruined your dreams.

Yeah, he.

He ruined everything that you've worked so hard for. Everything that you've been so disciplined, so committed for in.

In.

In your mind. He did, But I mean, now you're engaged. You know what I mean? Like, you got an incredible partner, and so it's like you almost feel like I have the right to be angry, but at the same time, it didn't serve you right. It just. It made you miss out on so many moments, so many. So many memories could have been made in those years that were no longer made. Why? Because you're just holding on to anger. And when we hold on to anger, it's almost like we just obsess. We just obsessed constantly. It's like they're living rent free in our head. They're out there just doing their thing, having a blast, whatever, you know? I mean, ruining somebody else's life. Hello.

Hello. And then.

And then we're over here just ruining our own life.

That's right.

Because we're just wanting to hold on to that. And that probably just add to the anxiousness.

It did. It really actually did. It made me more anxious. It made our co parenting relationship, like, almost impossible.

Yeah, because.

Well, I mean, just to be honest, I couldn't say anything nice.

Yeah, well, and it did. And no matter what he sent you as a text, you're reading it through the lens of your emotion of anger.

Always of anger.

Exactly. So he's like, hey, can I pick her up this day instead? And in your mind, you are. You're already, like, ready to rip into them. And then it's like, whoa, this came out of nowhere.

Yeah, I mean, it took. It took a lot of work. It took a lot of work. It took a lot of prayer. I really had to pray for myself. Like, forget praying for other people. Y' all like, seriously, I need to pray for myself because I am vicious. I am vicious with this mouth when I am angry. I mean, it is like, no holds bar over here.

That's so good.

And I was like, like. But I didn't like it. You know what I mean? I was like, yeah, this person. I'm like, I am letting this person turn me into something that I'm not. You know? I was like, no, Veronica. Like, no, no. Like, we got to get it together. Like, get a grip, get a grip, get a grip, get a grip. And so anyways, I started to be vulnerable. I opened up to a good friend, and this is hard for me. Like, really, really hard. And I opened up to her, and it was, like, probably one of the best things that I did. And because she had been through something similar, which I never even knew about. And so that's crazy. But let me tell you something. Here's a little preaching right here. Your vulnerability, okay? Your ability to be vulnerable with some people lets other people be vulnerable with you.

Exactly. Exactly.

And so when you're not opening up to other people, then you're literally not giving anybody the opportunity to speak into your life, and vice versa. And I had to learn that, like, really the hard way through this situation. But again, I had a lot of embarrassment. Like, I felt really, like, embarrassed the whole time. Yeah. And so I really had to work through that. And. And I. You say this all the time in your. Your. What do you call those things on Instagram? Reels. Such an old lady. You say it in your reels. That crap. I lost my train of thought because I'm an old lady.

I don't think I've ever said that in a reel. But we'll go with it.

I'm the old lady. What is that you say? Let me backtrack.

I say a lot of things, man. My mouth runs.

But this is the one thing that, literally, I hear you say it almost all the time, and it sticks with me. And then right now, when I want to talk about it, it's gone out of my brain, guys. I'm running on very limited sleep. So I do apologize.

You're okay. You're okay. So when you started opening up, then when you started opening up with your friend and just actually being vulnerable, you know, we're gonna. We're gonna kind of slide into the loneliness side of things, right? Dealing with the loneliness was that the. Obviously, doors that you began to open that actually let you start defeating that loneliness and stop feeling so lonely was you finally opening up and Letting somebody in.

Yeah, for sure. Because I mean, motherhood, first time motherhood in itself is an isolating event. Yeah. And then tack that on to first time motherhood and you're doing it completely by yourself and nobody knows you're doing it by yourself because you haven't said anything. So nobody knew anything that happened until after it happened.

Yeah. And then you're sitting there like, no one's helping me. No one's checking up on me. Why does nobody care about me? That's what your brain is doing. And. And you're like, bruh, you haven't opened up to anyone. They don't know.

Nobody knows what's going on here. Yeah, it sucks. And again, in hindsight, I'm like, damn, I really should not have done. I would have been in a better place mentally postpartum if I would have had, like, at least told my mom, you know, somebody that freaking loves me and that could have come and helped me and. And I just didn't. And it really made everything that much more isolating. And I think there's a lot of personalities like mine that when you are in pain, your go to is isolation.

Yeah.

And it's taken me a really long time, probably my whole life, if I'm being honest, to force myself out of isolation and to be open and talk and be okay with crying in front of somebody else. Which for some reason is extremely hard for me. Which is hilarious because my now fiance was like, dude, our first six months, like, all you did was cry. Like, all you did was cry. And I was like, you must be the person for me, man, because I'm crying by nobody.

You just pull in the tears right out of me. It's probably because you felt safe with him.

He makes me feel so safe.

Men take notes.

If anybody needs hope that, you know you'll do better the next time, you will. You absolutely will. You will choose better for real and have somebody who's graced for you and vice versa.

That's so good. I love that term graced for you. Because everybody wants somebody that's perfect. Right? And I think, I think so often we also think that it's just going to magically happen. But I want everyone to take note, man. Like, Veronica did the work. Like she, she, she did the work. So that's why she's reaping a harvest. It's like you said in the beginning, Veronica. Like, and I say this all the time too. Like, we don't get what we deserve. We get. We get what we go after. Like, you you cannot get a 10 if you are a 5. I'm sorry, it's just not going to happen. You've got to build yourself up to a 10. It's just how it is. You want to get somebody who's emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent, emotionally aware of. You've got to bring that to the table. Because I'll tell you this, I've been on some dates, man, with some, like, older ladies. This was when I was like, you know, 29, 28. And they were like in their, like 33, 32. And I was sitting there, like, listening to them talk. And I'm sorry, but I was just like, oh, I can't have a conversation with this woman. Like, the. The emotional age has nothing to do with it because these are people that distract themselves from what they're going through because they don't want to feel the pain instead of what's actually happening and then learning and growing and expanding as a human because of it, which then actually makes the conversation great. Why? Because now we're on the same level as far as like, oh, you've been through that. Me too. How'd you handle yours? Oh, wow. What'd you learn about yourself instead of, yeah, screw your ex. Your ex is a piece of the. No, I hate my. No, that's high school. We're not high schoolers anymore, okay? And if you keep acting like a high schooler, then don't expect to get a high value man and don't expect to get a high value woman, because high value people put in the work to get that right. And that's what Veronica did. And so, Veronica, it's incredible how after so much pain that you endured, it's like you overcame the story, the narrative in your head that it's not okay to open up. It's not okay to open up. And there's a reason why you struggled with that. There's a reason why everybody struggles with that. Who struggles with that? And it is. It's partially because, you know, I mean, I'm just going to go ahead and assume, like, you're Hispanic, more than likely family, not very emotional, don't open up about things, sweep things under the rug. Everything's cool. We don't talk about it.

Right.

Is usually how it goes. But then also it's like, who did our parents expect us to be? You know, like, did your parents expect you to be perfect? And not. Not whine, not cry, not talk about what's going on? And so then we carry that into our future. And then as soon as you recognize that you started breaking out of that. So how. How was it for you? What. What was the conscious decision that you made? And what did that look like when you said, you know what? It's time to change my story? Yeah, I want to be vulnerable now. What happened there?

So one of the most influential people in my life who I never met in person, if I meet her, probably pass out. Brene Brown, who is, like, leading researcher on shame and vulnerability. I listened to one of her podcasts, and I think it was a TED Talk on vulnerability. And. And it really changed the way I saw the situation because she says vulnerability is telling. Telling a story, telling a part of yourself and not being able to control the outcome. That's what being vulnerable is.

Yeah.

And so she tells a story about her husband and this whole situation, how we. Because we refuse to be vulnerable and really say how we're feeling, the other person is misinterpreting us the whole time. Because you're not telling the truth. You're telling a version of the truth, you know, but you're not telling the whole truth. And so then that still. Lies know you. You know, they're like, wait, but what is it? You know, and so for me, I just really got to a point where I was like, I want to be known, fully known by somebody. And it's going to take everything that I have.

Wow.

It's going to take me putting myself on the table, so to speak, you know, and, like, doing a little. I call it the heart surgery, you know, and really getting to the point where I'm like, I'm okay with telling the story. I'm okay with you seeing me however you see me, because it doesn't change the truth of how I see myself. And that is some hard work, because it's just. And it doesn't happen overnight, guys. Like, that's the other thing. Like, nothing happens overnight. It's over and over again. It's deciding over and over again, what's the story you're telling yourself? Who's the person you want to become? How do you freaking get there? And it's about showing up for yourself first, and then you can show up for other people. And so just that mental decision, that shift of, like, okay, I can hide right now, but it's not going to get me any closer to the results that I want.

Yeah, I love that. I love what you said. You said that you just. You. You made a decision where you said, I want to be fully seen and fully known. And I think so many of us Run from that. Because the one person that we started to allow to kind of see us fully and kind of know us fully left. And that's why we're in the position that we're in right now. Right. And so we have this battle between fears. It's like the fear of rejection or the fear of regret. And I. And I covered this in one of the videos in the app. Right. I don't know if. I don't know if all of you guys in here saw it, but it's the. You are not a failure. And it. What I was talking about is that our fear of regret, of never actually getting to experience what you're talking about, which is being fully seen and fully known, that fear of regretting, that never getting to experience that needs to be far greater than the fear of rejection.

Yeah.

Because the dominant fear is going to control us. So if you're more scared of getting rejected, then you'll. You'll always miss out on the opportunity to experience the very thing that you want to experience. Because, Raka, you wanted to experience that. That was your dream. That was part of your dream. That's part of every human's dream. Right. And you wanted to experience that. And so you build up. You built up enough tenacity in you to say, I don't really care what it takes. I'm gonna do it. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. And I. Did you ever fall flat on your face? Flat on your face? Did you ever get rejected? Did you ever get kind of like. Some people are like, ah, this is a bit too much for me. Anything like that. Did you ever experience any of that?

Yes. Let me tell you what I did with that.

I like it. I like it. Let's go into it.

So the whole wanting to be vulnerable, wanting to be fully seen, fully known, and then dating my now fiance. I broke up with him, guys.

With your fiance?

Not when he was my fiance. So we were. We were dating. We'd been dating for like three months. And. And it got to the point where I was like. Like, I was like. I was also like, he's gonna figure me out. He's gonna. Oh, wow. He's gonna know that I'm hurt. He's gonna know that I'm upset about this. He's gonna know, like, X, Y and Z. Right. Wow. And there was a lot. And, like, with him, I literally have been, like, super honest. Like, I'm like, this is what it is, you know, take it or leave it, whatever. But, like, what you're talking about, that Fear really kicked in. And so what does Veronica do? In typical Veronica fashion, she's like, oh, no, you're not gonna leave me.

I'm gonna leave you. Oh. And so the self sabotage begins.

Thank you. That's exactly what it was. So self sabotage. So I break up with him, right? And he was so mad. He was so mad at me, and then he didn't talk to me.

You broke up with him?

Thank you. You say it right for me. Okay. My personal life experience, people don't tell me no very often.

This is like so, so many people that I meet with, they're like, yeah, we got divorced. And she. She doesn't seem to care. And. And she's not checking up on me or he's not. He's not concerned about my feelings. I'm like, like, you guys, you guys left each other, right? Yeah. And then some of them, they're like, yeah, we both agreed on it. It was mutual. But I just don't understand why they don't care. You chose to leave each other. Yeah. You kind of gave up the. Right, right there. Sorry. Keep going.

I just think it's hilarious what I did. That was my self sabotaging behavior. And then, you know, like, the good man that he is, he made me sit in that for a little bit, you know, he was like, attaboy, I'm not talking to you. He's like, figure it out, Veronica.

Attaboy.

And so anyways, I lost, which is love.

Which is love giving you space.

That was. That was really hard for me, to be honest. Like, that was probably one of the hardest things. I was like, I can't believe this. And so anyways, we get back together and. And then everything's fine, you know, like, we. He had to work through some trust issues with me because he was like, are you always gonna freak out and just like abandon the relationship? And I was like, I don't know, to be honest. And so that was another thing.

I mean, at least you were vulnerable.

Yeah. I was like, dude, I don't know. But that was another thing I had to work through because, like, you know, when you go through, like, whatever happened to me, like, you have this very real fear that this is going to happen again to you. And like, man, you don't want to feel that again. You know what I mean? And so I was like, that was like the constant like, like struggle there, the battle there. Even though literally he gave no indication of that. And let me just explain this to some females. Y' all are projecting stuff on brand new Males that did nothing to you, and you're ruining it. You're ruining it because it's not you. It's your insecurities. It's, like, your fear. It's all of these things. And.

No, no, no, Veronica. But you're wrong, because all men are the same.

No, they're not.

Thank you.

I will tell you that they're not. And. And I also want to say this. There is. There's a very big difference between a guy who's sorry, mainly because he got caught, and a guy who is genuinely sorry and he has repented, and he's, like, changed the way he's acting, and he's really done, like, you know, 180 with his life. There's a really big difference. And. And you'll be able to discern that. You'll be able to know that. And so, no, all guys are not the same. People change. You change. You evolve. Give somebody else. I love this. It's one of the things I say all the time. Give people the grace to evolve, and they'll give you the grace to evolve. Yep. Because we're not always the same person, you know?

And so, anyway, that's so, so true. And. And it's, like, what you said, like, you're projecting onto them. So when you say that all men are the same or, you know, people can't change, what you're really saying is, I can't change. I haven't changed. Therefore, humans must not be able to change, because I'm still the same person, but it's just not true. That's why I believe anyone can change. Why? Because I've done it. I've tasted and I've seen that that is available for anybody. Right. Even with a history like mine that you can change and humans can develop and humans can grow and humans can heal. And so. So that's how I know. That's typically how everybody can tell where you're kind of at. Like, if you talk to someone long enough, they start projecting their beliefs on you. That's why you talk to me. And I will boost you up like crazy. You'll tell me an idea of something that you want to do, and I'm like, oh, my. Yes, of course you can do it. Are you kidding me? Like, one of my clients, like, started talking about a podcast, and I was like, bro, bro, let me. Let me do a graphic design for you real quick. I'm gonna make your logo right now. And then I sent it to him in 10 minutes. Why? Because I'm like, I believe that you can make this happen. Why? Because that's my belief.

Yeah.

I'm projecting my very positive belief onto him, obviously. Right. And so I think that's something good for us to recognize is. Okay, just because I believe this, it does not make it true. And. And it's exactly what Veronica is saying here. Because here's the thing, guys. We can avoid reality, but we cannot avoid the consequences of reality.

Come on.

So reality means that not all men are the same. Reality means that there might be something that you need to work through instead of saying that all these men or all these women need to work through because they got problems.

That.

That might not be reality. Right. Reality might be that there's something going on in here. And then the consequences of reality are we end up alone. We end up self sabotaging. We end up as the common denominator between five, six, seven different relationships. And we're like, all of them are the problem. No, no. The consequence of reality is that you are currently alone after going after seven people, and you're saying that everyone's toxic. I don't know about that. I think at some point we've got to be able to ask the deep question and the honest question of where am I at and what am I projecting right now? Yeah. Veronica, that's. That's so powerful. It's so powerful that you were able to overcome not just like the. The crippling anxiety that makes you not move forward and makes you so hesitant and so uncertain, but then on top of that, it's like dealing with the loneliness. Because anybody who's listening to this that's been going through a divorce or through a heartbreak, it's like. Like, yes, you experience so much loneliness, but the loneliness only comes because you're wearing a mask the whole time.

Yeah.

And this is something I talk about in the Conquerors coaching group. Right. It was a challenge that I gave everyone that when you wear that mask, the reason why you feel alone, even though you're surrounded by people is because it's that mask that's getting the love.

That's true.

But as soon as you take the mask off, it's like that moment that you had with your friend as soon as you said, you know what? Screw this. This is me. This is who I actually am. And they actually reciprocated it. It's like that one friend could replace 20 other people.

It's so true. It's so true. I have to say something because this is something that God personally has been highlighting in my life for the Year. And it's the word community. And when I got to do the first live, which was, I don't know, like, maybe two weeks ago or whatever. And. And I saw all your little faces in there, and I don't know, like, I just got so happy. Like, I'm just like, oh, I was like, this is so great. Where the hell was this app when I was, like, in the trenches? Like, for real. For real. And so, like, kudos to you, brother. Seriously, because the community that you're building is, like, epic. And I'm sure all of you guys are still in there because of that, and. And really lean on each. Because community is everything, especially in this season. Not everybody can relate to this season, you know, thankfully, you know, but there are people who can, and those are the people you need to talk to, the healthy people. Please don't reach out to the people who are still, like, being absolutely, you know, like, monsters. And some people never heal from this season. That is also very true. You know, they move on with their lives, but they're not healed. Can we clarify? They move on, but they're not healed.

Yeah.

You can still move on with your life and not be a healed person.

And you can move on to make a mess somewhere else.

I mean, for real, but. Or you're just, like, harboring all of that, you know?

Yep.

And then it affects your body later because trauma affects your body.

That's very true.

That.

That's. That's the book. The body keeps the score. If. And if nobody's read it, you got to read that. Veronica, thank you so much for coming on. Honestly, thank you so much for sharing your story, being vulnerable, and I hope you guys caught some of those really powerful, practical tools that you can actually start using to really start conquering this anxiety and this loneliness, because just because you're going through it like the people that tell you, you just got to feel it, you gotta. Yes, you do. But it doesn't mean you gotta stay in it for a very long time. You can take practical actions to get spiritual and emotional breakthrough in your life, and so I really hope that this encouraged you. What we're going to do right now is we're going to go ahead and switch over into the live Q and A.