Are emotional affairs okay?

So let's talk about emotional affairs. Hey, I'm coach Frank Ortega and on this channel we talk about all things healing, heartbreak and conquering a divorce. But I had an interesting question that came in and I want to address it. So let's get right into it. The question is, what is your true take on emotional affairs? When you say we act on it in a negative aspect, can that always be true? Is it negative or is it human? I took action to love and connect with my soon to be ex husband. I experienced neglect and mental emotional abuse. Then what does the human do in that case? Right. Which is a good question. I was left there to die and did reach out to someone. It became an emotional affair. Would that ever be okay and not negative? Is it delusional to have an emotional affair and it not be wrong if it is of pure love and connection? I think that's key. Pure love and connection. I do agree with you in taking action. I think you're very insightful. I appreciate that. I wish my ex would follow you. Send him my stuff. Maybe he'll follow. I remember you said you had cheated before. I am at a crossroads where I am free. My emotional fair mate is not. He is married. So in your opinion, can it be right or positive? I think this is a really good question. And first of all, to. To the lady who sent this question. I just want to really acknowledge you for your vulnerability and your courage to even ask this question. So there's a couple things on this that I want to address. Okay. We're talking about an emotional affair and you're asking if it ever comes in, if it's ever okay or right to do, especially it's out of pure love and just pure connection. And I think that's where we need to hone in on this. If you are having an emotional affair based off of what you said with a man who is married, I don't think that that is pure love and I don't think that that is pure connection. I believe that that is pure selfishness because love does not go and create a connection with a married man that is committed to somebody else. Okay? And so here's the thing. I know that what you've gone through, there's been like some difficulty because you said that I've been. I've experienced neglect and mental emotional abuse. And now I was just left there to die. Okay? So first off, I want to hit on something that's really important for us to recognize. Okay? You're not left there to die. Okay, let's not make our situation worse than it is. Let's see it as it is. And here's the thing. I would be willing to bet that you have not been 100% transparent with your husband. Now, this is what I mean by that. I'm not saying that you maybe haven't communicated some of your needs. I'm not saying any of that. What I am saying, though, is that 100% honesty would be, hey, I really have been trying to connect with you as much as I can, and it just seems like you don't care and you're just completely oblivious to my pain and to my need to want to connect with you. And so because of that, now I'm actually entertaining other men. That would be pure honesty, right? Now, if you were that honest and the person still said, well, I don't care. Do whatever you want to do, whatever, then. Then at that point, we got to make the decision, right? And I know that you guys are married, and I wish that, you know, I could help both of you, but it doesn't sound like he's wanting to do any work. And so it's a very difficult thing to say there. But then at that moment, it's like this person is showing you their true intentions with you, right? And so all you can do is own your side. Now, the. The other side of this that you need to own is, would you be okay being with somebody who is just going to be okay having an emotional affair with another married person? More than likely you're not. So if you're not okay with that and somebody bringing that to your table, why would you be okay taking that to somebody else's table? I think that there is ways that you can create love and connection in a positive way, and that is by connecting with friends, that is by connecting with family members, that is by genuinely going through the process of separation of divorce in the right manner, right? And then going out and connecting with somebody. But if you're creating that connection and it's going to come at the harm of somebody else, there's no way that that's positive. If your emotional affair comes at the cost and the expense of another family, which more than likely will involve kids, then your. Your way of creating love and connection in your life is by create suffering and chaos in innocent people's lives. I don't think that's ever okay. Quite personally, I don't think that's okay at all. I think that's you operating out of selfishness. I'm gonna be honest with you because you're saying, I will hurt whatever, whoever I need to hurt to get what I want. I don't think that's how humans need to operate. And I think if you continue on that pattern of operating that way, what's to stop you? The next time that you feel not seen and not heard by somebody because maybe they're going through a difficult season as well, your selfishness kicks in. You're like, well, I'm just going to go have an emotional affair with somebody else anyways, because I can at least get what I need in that moment. But the point of us taking action and creating it on our own is to do it in a positive aspect. If you want true love and connection, reach out to people you love, tell them why you love them and why you appreciate them and serve them. But I don't think you're getting true love and connection. I think you're getting a version of it that has terrible consequences on the back end of it and you're trying to leverage that as is this okay, because I've been through this? No. Just because you've been through a hard time, it does not justify you making other people go through a hard time. That's not how this works. And so I don't think that you can have an emotional affair and it's ever right, because that means that you did, you weren't honest and you didn't take the correct steps to actually make it right. The correct steps would be doing the hard thing. Stop shying away from the hard challenges in life. If, if you know that this person is not aligned, if you know that this person is not willing to work on anything with you, if you know that you are literally doing everything in your power, if you have tried everything, and here's the thing, you're probably in your head thinking right now, I have tried everything. Well, I would beg to differ because we haven't met yet, you haven't had a session with me yet, you haven't worked with me yet. Therefore, you have not tried everything yet. Have you done therapy? Probably. Have you done counseling? Probably. Have you done marriage groups? Probably. Have you done coaching? Probably not. So have you really tried everything? This, this is something that we tell ourselves to kind of justify our behavior. And this is why taking self accountability is the most important thing. Because this video is not to guilt you or to shame you, but it's to challenge you to grow. It's to challenge you to actually try everything. Right? Because what's happening right now is. I love this question. Is it okay for an Emotional affair, Is that ever okay? Is that just human or is it negative? Well, just human is a cop out. Imagine if you're with a man and he cheats on you and he sleeps with three different women every single month and you come at him, you're like, hey, that's wrong. And he's like, well, I'm just human. It's part of my nature as a man. We hear a lot of that BS being said by people like Andrew Tate where it's like a man has the right to sleep with as many women as possible. And of course he says that only to leverage it in his favor. And he uses all the biology and all the history of, of men have, who have conquered and men of great stature who have taken on multiple wives. But he doesn't mention that probably some of those men died from a sexually transmitted disease because they had no self control and no self discipline in that area. You see what I'm saying? So if you had a man like that and he comes up to you and he says, well, I'm just human. I'm a man. This is how I am, are you going to take that as okay? Well then it's not bad. You're just the man. I understand. No, you wouldn't. So why would you try and justify your own actions in the exact same way? I don't think an emotional affair is ever okay. The word there is a fair. If that word is involved, it is not okay. You cannot just try and please your needs at the, at the risk of destroying some other family people that are innocent in the matter. That's never okay. This is why we need to learn how to create like the. How to create and fulfill our own need of love and connection in a positive aspect. And I told you on that video that I had posted, or that post. Yeah, that video that I posted, I said it on that video. How to do it. You, you reach out to somebody you love, genuinely love. I'm talking about somebody that you've appreciated for, for years and what they mean to you. And you tell them that. You tell them, hey, I was just thinking about you. I just wanted you to know I'm so grateful for you because there was this one specific moment in my life when you showed up the specific way and you made me show feel this specific way. I just want you to know I'm so thankful for that. I promise you, if you do that, you're not going to want to run to a married man to have an emotional affair because now you've connected love and connection within yourself. Within yourself. And if you can't conquer that, then I'm sorry, but you are not ready to be in a relationship. And, and you. You. You're not ready to demand this from another person when you yourself aren't. Aren't operating in it yourself. Right? So my view on this specific situation is that, no, an emotional affair is never justified or just human because we needed it. No, I'm sorry. If the only way that you can create love and connection is by running to a married man and having an emotional affair. We got some. We got some work to do. That does not mean that you're a bad person. That just means that you're making bad decisions based out of the emotional state that you're in right now. That's why you need to love and connect with family members, with friends, because when you do that, you get into a way better emotional state. And now guess what? The real you comes alive. And the real you would say, I'm not going to entertain a married man. I'm not going to hurt that family. I'm not going to create more generational curses. I'm going to help break them instead of help create them. So it's a completely different take. So I would say in this situation, first off, the first thing you got to start doing is you got to start forgiving yourself, because this isn't right and this is not okay. The second thing you got to do is you've got to actually see yourself not out of a place of guilt and shame, but out of a place of, okay, now I'm aware of this. What do I want to do moving forward? How do I want to create love and connection in my life in an intentional way to where it's actually beneficial for me and the other people instead of it's only beneficial for me? Because in this situation, the only one that benefits is you. And that's temporarily, not even in the long run. You. You just benefit temporarily. And so you're making permanent decisions that are going to have permanent consequences based out of temporary emotions. That's not a good place to be in, okay? And so at the end of the day, any emotional affair is not right, especially when it comes at the cost of innocent people's lives, right? And so it is not okay. It is not just human. It is just human, but humans do some crazy, crappy things, and this is one of those examples, okay? And so moving forward, what I would highly encourage you to do is start looking inward. I would really encourage you to schedule a one on One with me. You can go to my app, download it, go to the book a coach section. Schedule a one on one session in there. Tell me more about your story, tell me more about what you're dealing with and let's create a strategy to where you're actually creating and fulfilling these needs and in a positive manner, where it actually affects people in a positive way. Instead of it just affects you positively in the moment and then affects you negatively in the future. But also it's going to affect those other humans negatively in the present and in the future. So we got to start taking control of that. So absolutely no, it is not okay. Here's the thing. At the end of the day, if your husband is showing you his true colors and he doesn't want to work on it, and you've been 100 honest and authentic and you didn't come at him like a brat, but you came out of him out of a vulnerable, vulnerable place of just look, babe, like I really need to be seen by you. I feel like you don't love me. I feel like we're not connected. I want to, I, I don't know what it is that's going on in our relationship. Is something going on with you? What's happening? If you've had all that, you've tried everything, then at that moment I think you need to understand that it's time to probably let that person go. But you got to do that in the right manner. Here's the thing. The way you end something is the way you'll begin something else. You're ending this very messive it like in a very messy way. And look at what's happening. You're starting a relationship in a very messy way. Now I know that to you, you're not starting a relationship because that man is married. But emotional affair is how ever like emotional connection is how every relationship starts. Every relationship, whether you're planning on being in a relationship with him or not, that's not how it happens. Think about how you ended up where you ended up. It didn't happen by you saying, I want this to happen. It happened by an emotion that drove you to action. And that action was a negative one. So now you're going to create negative results in your life and there's nobody else to. You can't blame your husband for this. He didn't make you do that. You made that choice. You can't blame the married man for that, that he didn't make you do that. You made that choice. The only person that can take Accountability for this is you, yourself and I. That is it 100%. The good thing in that though, is that that puts the power back in your hands. If it's your fault that you got into the mess, then it's your fault that you get your breakthrough and your freedom as well. So I want you to see it as that way. This is a challenging video and I get that. And I hope that you don't leave here feeling guilty and shameful because but instead being challenged to okay, how do I want to show up moving forward? How do I want to show up today? How do I want to handle this in a positive way today? And I promise you, if you do what I what I said in the video that you watched, you're going to experience next levels of intimacy and love and connection. And you won't need to have an emotional affair with a married man. You'll learn how to show up with more more self worth. You'll learn how to show up with more self value, with more self respect. But that only happens when you create love and connection within yourself in a positive manner. And doing that with another man that is married while you're still in the process of separation or divorce is not a positive way to handle that. It might be a human way to handle that, but we've covered that. Humans don't always make the right choices and humans don't always make the best create the best positive outcomes. Right? So at the end of the day, I think it's up to you. Do you want to be human or do you want to live life in a and have a great experience? Because you can be human and being human is supposed to be a great experience. But the actions that you're taking right now, are those going to create a great experience for you and for everyone that's around you, or is it only creating a great experience for you and nobody else? Something to consider. So hopefully that helps you. Again, guys, if you do have a question, download my free app. The link is in the description and you can go to the Ask me a Question tab on the app. You can submit your question just like this with plenty of context and a good description of what you want answered and I will address it via video like this. Hopefully this helps you and hopefully you have a blessed day.