Basic Human Needs - 1% Conquerors Call

That's. That's incredible. Vanina, come on. That's awesome. That's beautiful. And now you can celebrate that. Now you can celebrate the simple fact that you didn't have to control the situation. You just controlled you. And look at that. You operate like. Did you do that because of the conversation I had with Vanessa on the women's call?

I did. I did. I did. I mean, I did. When we went. We just went through our divorce a few months ago, and as we were going through it, I did say, I am going to do it in love. So that's what I tried to do. But, you know, having. Having you say that last week, I was like, I need to step it up. I need to do that more. And I even. I mean, even after all the nasty things that he was saying, I even sent him a text that was like, I am so proud of how you're showing up for our kids. Thank you for doing that. And so I was just like, I don't care what you say, I'm going to do me. And. And so it was. It turned out well.

That's awesome. So by you stepping out and ignoring the ego, which wanted just to fight back, and you chose to operate out of love, you created your own peace, and you even ended up getting an apology.

Yeah, it was great.

Come on. That's phenomenal. That's what it's all about. Let's go. Let's go. I'm going to get some software. Once I'm in my house, right? Push a button and there's going to be an audience clapping, and so that would have gotten that right there. Or I might just do the Drake. The Drake horn. Come on, Vanina. I love that. I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. That's phenomenal. Come on, let's get one more. One more victory. And then we're gonna jump in because I want to cover some stuff. I want to bless you guys tonight. One more 1% victory. I think Vanina set the bar a little high, so now people are intimidated. They're like, I popped off on my ex.

So.

Go ahead, brother. Go ahead, Kevin.

I'll say this, coach, I. I know you say, you know, you preach to, like, keep going on with the content that you provide, but I wanted to challenge myself and kind of go. Go solo for a minute just to see how I process it in my own environment. And I've been doing a great job at that. So it's. It's not exactly the same interface that she had to Deal with. But on a personal level, I feel like I'm able to, like, much more and be a little bit more grounded when I, you know, same. Same approach as her. Like, she had to find her grounds. And that's what I'm doing right now. Just trying to stay. Stay strong with my mindset and not let other people control that. You know? What I mean? Is drunk text me for the first time, and it's been six months. She just drunk text me right around New Year's. And I was like, are you good? Like, all right? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right. I'm like, okay. You called me at one in the morning, so I was just checking, but I'm gonna leave that alone. And I just didn't put no mind to. And then she apologized the next. So, like, the little things that used to set me back, because I'd be like, oh, what was that? Like, reading into everything. I don't need to. There's nothing there.

You know, that's really good. Oh, yeah.

Well, I think it might. It might have been you, Kevin, who. You messaged me. I think it was. You can correct me if I'm wrong, but you're like, hey, what does it mean when she. This, this, or that? Was that you?

Yeah.

And now the thing that brought you here, now you're like, I don't put meaning to it no more. Yeah.

Nah, there's no meaning to it. You know what I mean? Like, because I. I think we had spoken. It was probably the first conversation we had. It's like, yo, what is she showing you if she's not coming to you with, like, I'm sorry. I messed up. This is what I want to do to fix it. This is what I'm doing. To fix me. I don't care if you miss me. I don't care if you love me. Not enough. You know what I mean?

Exactly. Exactly, man. Exactly.

That.

That's just how it needs to go. That's. That is how anybody who's trying to hold people accountable, that's the best way you can hold people accountable. That's it. That's it. And you guys might have watched the video that I did once, and it was saying about how the furthest that you need to go to get your ex back is to the front door to open it. That's it. That is it. Because it has to be on their terms. It's got to be their choice. And here's the thing. Here's the thing. Y'. All people have experiences before. I know Maria's not in here right now. She was. She was a part of the group for a Hot Minute man. And she was one of my one on one clients. And she. She literally was like, coach, he is trying to get back with me now. And I told her, I was like, it's kind of what happens when you start operating in that caliber. Like what Vanina did, right? What, What I encouraged Vanessa to do, what some of you guys are starting to operate as. Like, it is inevitable for your ex usually to start coming back and wanting another shot. And if not, just give it a little bit of time because they start noticing that you're not the same person that you were before. Right? Especially. Especially as a man. Especially as a man when you're not emotionally triggered anymore and you're emotionally intelligent. She's like, wow, this is the guy that I, first of all, fell in love with more than likely. And second of all, that I can trust with my future because he holds stuff together and it's all subconscious, right? And so it's. It's really funny how it happens. So, Kevin, I wouldn't be surprised if you. You get a couple more. You up text or something.

I mean, she's like, oh, well, I reached out to my sister. I reached out to my other sister, and I reached out to you. I'm like, all right, yeah, cool. I asked for an explanation, but, you know, she said, I'm so sorry. Like, it's fine. Yeah, left it alone. It's fine. Because it is. It's fine.

That's so good, man. That's so good. Here's what I want us to understand is that meaning can be created by us, right? So when Kevin first came to me, he was creating all these crazy meanings. Like, man, does it mean that she wants to get back with me? Does she mean, like, it means that she doesn't respect me because she would just leave me alone. Like, she's just confusing me, right? But as soon as he decided that this carries no meaning, he decided that she didn't. Her. Her. Her actions haven't changed. She still reached out. I mean, they might have changed a little bit, but she still reached out, which could be something that's confusing if I make it mean something. But as soon as you detach the meaning from them and you practice that, just like you've been doing Kevin, then that's when you become unshakable. That's when you become unmovable, right? It's like what Dominica shared on one of our sessions where, like, you know, her. Her ex Started sending like, pictures of her and saying things to like, this massive group text and. And Dominica was just like. Yeah, it was just, you know, unfortunately, I guess he's still hurting.

Whoa.

Exactly. You get to make it mean what you want it to mean, and it happens by daily practice. That's phenomenal, brother. Good job, man. Good job, Kevin. Let's go. I love that we had. We had a lady and a man share today. That's phenomenal. Okay, guys, I want to jump into this because this is going to be incredibly powerful. I can't get my remarkable to share screen, so I'm gonna have to not use it, unfortunately. So you guys just track with me, okay? Hopefully you guys are taking notes because this is something that you're definitely gonna want to revisit. I know, Dominica, I think me and you covered this a little bit in that one, one on one session. But today I want to dive in a little bit deeper to this. Let me lay some. Let me lay some context and let me frame this session for us. Okay? What we're going to cover tonight, I want you to apply it to yourself, but this is what you're going to notice. You're going to notice that there was a lot of areas that you didn't show up in your marriage or your past relationship. It's just going to happen. But it's because you're going to become aware of these needs that you weren't aware of before. So the only thing that I ask is that as we cover this and you start to notice things that you slacked in or didn't provide, do not judge yourself with it. Do not use this session as ammunition to make yourself feel worse about yourself. Okay? That's not what we're doing here. We're not going to judge our past self with our present self. Okay? So I want to make sure that that is very, very clear for everybody. Now, with that being said, we're also going to leverage this specific tool for your own personal development and growth and so that you can start living life by ch. By choice and not by chance. We're going to cover a little bit about. About that here in a little bit.

Okay?

But first, let me take a little swig from my lion's mane Tee, because it's great for the brain and I need my brain. All right. All right, Perfect. So we're going to cover basic human needs. Here's what we need to understand. Every single human on this earth does whatever it takes to fulfill these needs. Every single human. It's going to be really fun for you, because once you learn these, you're actually going to be able to notice what your parents number one need is. You're going to notice what your friends number one need is. You're going to realize why people do what they do. And most importantly, you're going to recognize why you do what you do this. You know how sometimes you got these questions that you ask yourself? You're like, man, why the hell do I keep doing this? I don't want to do that, but I keep doing it. You're going to realize why today, and we're going to be able to take a practical step to start conquering those habits and start living by choice, not by chance. Okay? So that's the first thing that we need to recognize. Every single human will do whatever it takes to get these, all of these needs. We fulfill them. We either fulfill them in a positive way and all that means it's a way that actually yields the result that you want, or we fulfill them in a negative way, which essentially means I still get that need fulfilled, but that's how I ended up in. In places that I'm at. That's how I end up stuck. Things of that nature. Okay? So the first basic human need that we need to cover, by the way, I did not come up with these, okay? I actually learned these from Tony Robbins. And they. This, this, this right here, this one session with them completely transformed everything about me and the way that I saw relationships and saw myself and people. Okay? So the first human need that we need to take note of is certainty. Certainty. Every single human needs some level of certainty in their life. When we apply this to relationships, we can literally say, we can literally notice right away that if you are uncertain about where you stand with this person, you start spiraling quickly. It's not because you're crazy. It is because it is literally a need that we all need. I need to be certain. I need to have some level of certainty and security with you. Right? It's the same thing with jobs. We notice this with jobs as well, right? My brother. My brother is phenomenal. He's incredibly gifted, but he will never leave his certain job because he prioritizes certainty above everything else right now. Okay, so what does that mean? Is that a good thing or is that a bad thing? I don't think it's either. I just think that he's compromising on purpose because of it. It's my opinion, right? For. For some of you, you might notice that, man, there is this dream that I Have, But I can't leave the security of my job. That means that you value certainty and you have a high value uncertainty, and you would rather be certain than take a chance. Okay. The other way that this can begin to cripple us is moving forward in dating after a divorce, more than likely, a lot of you are going to want to make sure that, that and have that certainty that you're not going to get hurt again. And that certainty will actually cripple you in the dating scene. Why? Because you will not give people a chance. Because that's too uncertain for me. I could end up getting hurt. I'm not going to be vulnerable with you like that and let you in that deeply. Because what if you do what the other person did to me? But we can also create certainty just like that for you mindset workshop. I don't know if you guys have done that yet, but there's that for you mindset workshop. And that is how you create genuine certainty. By genuinely believing that regardless what you go through, God is going to turn around everything for your good. Which means if this person rejects me, I'm okay with that because he's just filtering that person out and I'm one step closer to my yes, see? So you can create certainty so that you can get both. But in order to get, for example, all of you right, more than likely you want a loving partner to spend your life with. That's what we all want if we're honest with ourselves. But if I value certainty to not get hurt too much, I might never get there because that's too much uncertainty. Okay? So it can be a very good thing, but it can also be a very crippling thing. It's not right or wrong. It just really depends on what life it is that you want to create. Okay, I'm giving you the tools to create the life that you want. The second basic human need that I want to address is uncertainty. As much as we need certainty, we also need uncertainty. This is where the passion comes. It can be uncertainty or variety. This is where the passion comes. Whenever you start talking to someone, you're like, oh, I wonder where this is going to go. You start getting that feeling of excitement. It is because of that level of uncertainty. And so we need that uncertainty and that variety in a relationship. It's the same thing. This is why they always say to keep dating your girl. No matter how long you've been together, keep dating your girl. Why? Because if not, there's no uncertainty or variety there. It's so good to have your date nights planned where it's like, okay, every Thursday we're gonna go out, but then it's also good to kind of ruin those plans every now and then. Be like, hey, baby, we're not going out this Thursday. We're going out Tuesday. I already got the babysitter. You get dressed. And then also she's like, oh, wow, this is. It's different. You see what I'm saying? So every relationship needs a level of certainty and a level of uncertainty. Now, uncertainty is where normally we end up finding. Most of the cheating affairs happen usually because somebody is lacking uncertainty and variety in the relationship or in their life. If you. This is also why we see midlife crisis that happen. It's because they have no uncertainty or variety in their life. So then they go out and they create it by really just kind of blowing up their life and doing a whole bunch of crazy stuff, right? So if we can get conscious about what creates uncertainty and variety in my life, then we can actually create that need instead of just kind of hoping that we hit it in a positive or a negative aspect. Does this make sense? Okay. The third need that every single human needs is going to be love and connection. Love and connection. We all need this from the day that we're born. If a baby's born and it's not held for X amount of time, it could literally pass away from a broken heart, literally. Because we need love and connection, and we can achieve this in so many different ways, right? Like, one of my favorite ways that I ask you guys to do do if you. If you're feeling down, is to immediately focus on somebody that you love and you appreciate and why you love and appreciate them. And then I ask you to reach out to them. Take an actionable, tangible step to love and connect. That's why you guys feel amazing every time you do that, because you're fulfilling that need. And whenever that need is lacking, sometimes we wait for somebody from the outside to come in and meet that need when we can meet it ourselves by doing these actions ourselves, right? So we all need love and connection. This is where you see emotional affairs that end up happening. When it's a man that doesn't really open up to his woman and she's like, I just don't feel connected. It's because you're not being vulnerable. And then she ends up, or he ends up just emotionally connecting with somebody else. It's not because they don't love that person. It's not for any other reason, but it's because we are hardwired to for love and connection. And if we are not receiving that or creating that, we end up creating it in a negative aspect. Okay? The last one that goes opposite to love and connection, but we also need is going to be significance. Everybody needs to feel significant. Whatever relationship you're in, you need some level of significance and priority. I need to be a little prioritized. I need to know that you know, especially as men. I need to know that I am your man and that you don't, you don't wish that you were with any other man and that no other man even comes remotely close to me. And I need to know that the life that I'm giving you is incredible enough for you. Because if I feel insignificant, I show up insignificant. If you take that from me, especially as men, this is huge, right? And so significance is a very good thing because we see people like Elon Musk. What do you guys think his driving need is? His significance? The dude will do whatever he has to do to be significant. But how many failed marriages does he have? I think it's like three or four now. Because you can't aim for significant and hit love and connection. If significance is your priority, love and connection will lack. Just like you can't hit certainty and be able to also, like, you can't prioritize certainty above everything else and also hit your uncertainty. This is why you get bored in life, right? So we've got to make sure that we have a good, a good balance on all of these needs and that we have some sort of structure that we have created to meet these specific needs on a day to day basis. These needs are yours to be met. If you meet these needs, you will not need somebody else to fulfill those for you. Once you get into a relationship, obviously the game changes. Now it's about you meeting those needs. And that's why this tool is incredible. Because now you can be like, okay, how can I make this person feel significant? How can I bring certainty to their life? How can I bring uncertainty and variety? And how can I create some loving connection with them? Tony Robbins and them? There was this whole study done on this specific teaching and they noticed that any marriage that was meeting every four of these needs, these four needs did not end in divorce. The happiest marriages that they interviewed, all of them were hitting these specific needs. So they didn't end in divorce. These are the basic human needs that we need. Now, significance is a very intense one, right? Because all of these have the extreme and we can fulfill every Single one of these needs again, in a positive or a negative aspect. So I'll give you this. The shooting in Uvalde, Texas. That kid grew up without his mom and his dad. They gave him up. So how significant do you think he felt? He probably battled with insignificance for all of his life. Now, I'm not justifying what he did, but I do want to understand why he did it. The root of it. It's not gun control is none of that. Right? If whoever has your views on that, that's okay. You can have your views on that. But it's not about controlling guns. It's about attacking the root of it. And I genuinely believe that if this kid would have felt some level of significance in his life, he wouldn't have done that. But guess why he did it that one day. That one day, even though it was a terrible act. How significant do you think he felt? He was the most significant man in the world. Almost everybody knew his name. Everybody saw his face. He became significant. We can see this even in our kids, right? You see a kid that's lashing out, and everybody says, oh, they just want attention. No, normally they just want to feel significant. They're feeling a level of insignificance. So I hope you guys can start seeing how, oh, wow, I can start using these basic needs for every relationship in my life. And now you can get strategic on how you love people, not just trying to meet their love language and understand their love language, that's great. But if you know that their love language is acts of service and you serve them, but you never bring variety, you never bring certainty, you never bring love and connection. You never bring significance to their life. It's not going to do you much good, right? So we got to learn how we can give this to people and more importantly, how we can create this on our own. Okay, now, there's two spiritual needs. Those were the four basic human needs. There's two spiritual needs, and these are the needs that bring all fulfillment to life. You can have a happy life by meeting these four basic needs, but you will not have a fulfilling life unless you meet these two needs every single day as much as possible. You guys are going to be like, yep, this makes sense. As soon as I tell you them, number one, growth, growth. I want you to, like, just think about the way that life happens and the way that it's designed. Everything is designed to consistently grow. Trees are always growing. Flowers are always growing. And then when they stop growing, what happens? They die. They die out. And Then they start growing again. Because everything is about growth. There might have been a job that you had that you absolutely freaking loved. Six months later, there's no opportunity for growth. You're not learning new skills, you're not growing in any area. And now you want to get out of that job. Why? You just loved it six months ago. It's not because you don't love the job. It's because there is no growth happening. It's the same thing in our relationships. If there is no growth in the relationship, the relationship dies. It's the same thing here. Some of you haven't even. I want you to notice this, okay? Like Kevin, Vanina, Anthony, like all of y', all that. That. That have been doing some of this work. Not really. Everyone's been doing the work. But you guys that have shared lately, right? Your circumstance, your situation, it hasn't changed. You're in the same situation that you were in a month ago, two months ago, three months. It's the same situation, but your level of fulfillment has increased. Why? You're growing. You're growing. You start believing in yourself. Why? Because you're growing. If you went to the gym and you never saw results, you might stop going. But if you go to the gym for 30 days and you notice just a little bit, right, men, you notice just a little bit of separation right here where those traps are about to come. And you're like, boy, I'm getting it. You start feeling real good. And now you're like, I might just do two a days. Hell yeah. Right? Because the growth is the driving force to fulfillment. The gym isn't fulfilling as far as pain goes. It's fulfilling because of the result. The feeling that it gives you. It makes you feel like you're growing constantly. Okay? The next thing is the second one. Second spiritual need that we need to be able to master. Also that's going to bring us fulfillment to our lives is giving and contribution. Giving and contribution. When you're serving someone, you're living. You feel good. You're like, man, it feels good to help. Man, it feels good to volunteer. Man, it feels good, right? One of your buddies is going through a hard time. You reach out to them. You just love on them, you help them, and that makes you feel good. We are literally wired as humans to serve. Now our pain tries to train us in telling us that we're supposed to be selfish, and we are. But you're supposed to be selfish so you can be selfless. You're selfish in the beginning so that you can Be selfless throughout the day. You're selfish for your peace, so that you can give peace to other people. You're selfish in your need to study so you can serve people by investing into them. You're selfish in your needing to go to the gym so that you can serve people by also helping them become healthy. So it's an incredible feeling. This is how we're wired. Every single human is wired to project what they're experiencing. This is why you know when you're actually getting real healthy. For example, Vanina, the simple fact that you had a trigger where you wanted to respond bad to them and say some things, but instead you operated out of a place of love. It was why. It's because you feel love within you and you're filled with it. And so you cannot help but to literally project that onto the other person. When you start judging somebody else, it's only because there's a deep root where you're judging yourself. This is what humans do. We mirror it, we project it. We're always giving. It's just, what are we giving? This is why when you get really good news about something, some opportunity, some whatever, the first thing you want to do is you want to call someone or text them, be like, bro, guess what? This happened is because you want somebody to feel happy, because you feel happy. This is also why when somebody pisses you off, what do you do? You hit them right back. And it just happens. Like that is because we are wired to make, to want, to make people feel what we're feeling. We are always constantly doing giving. And this is why it is so important to always be growing. Because if you're always growing, then you're always filling yourself up with really good things. And then guess what? You get to give out of. You get to give out of that place of abundance. But if you're not growing, you can't give. And this is why you see people that are so burnt out on giving, right? You probably see it in my comments all the time now. You're supposed to be selfish. It's about you first. You don't know what you're talking about. Like, those are some people that are extremely selfish people and that's why they're miserable like that. There's not that there's nothing wrong with them or that there is something wrong with them. It's just that they are choosing to believe that I need to be selfish to be happy. And that's why they're miserable. Because it literally goes against our DNA. If you want to experience Fulfillment in this life, we need to do two very important things. We need to continue to see growth, and we need to continue to give and contribute. As soon as you start doing those two things, you'll notice fulfillment in your life regardless of what. What you're going through. Regardless of what you're going through. Okay, so this is what I want to do. I want us to take some inventory tonight, okay? I want to do this with a couple people, and y' all can raise yalls hands to go, okay? But I'm gonna give us. I'm gonna give us about three, four minutes. And we got to be honest with ourselves here, okay? We need full transparency. What is the need that I've put at the very top that I've been aiming for without knowing that I was aiming for it? Okay. For some of you, it might be significance. For some of you, it might be certainty. For some of you, it might be uncertainty. And for some of you, it might be love and connection, right? But you got to be honest, okay? If. If. If you're not experiencing love and connection, then you gotta ask yourself, why am I not experiencing that? If I think that's my number one need that I'm aiming for, why am I not experiencing that? And it might be because you care about certainty too much, because you don't want to get hurt. You don't want to get reject rejected. It's too uncertain for you, so you got to be honest with it, okay? What needs are the ones that I'm chasing the most right now in this place, in my life. And the beautiful thing is that we're not going to stay there. Okay? So I got. I want you guys to take inventory. I'm going to give you about three minutes. And then in those three minutes, if you want to share yours, Whoever wants to share, go ahead and raise your hand. And then when I. When I unmute myself and turn my camera back on, I'll bring you back on. And then we'll start kind of working through some of these. So I want you to know what need it is that you're hitting the most and how you're hitting it, how you're hitting it. And what is it costing you? The simple fact that you keep pursuing that one need above everything else. What is it costing you? And in the future, what would it cost you if you keep operating in the same way, fulfilling that one need and going after it the most above all those others? What is it costing you and what will it cost you? Okay? So let's get honest with ourselves. All right, you got about three minutes.

It.

All right, who wants to go first? Just go ahead and unmute and start talking. If you want to go first, break some of these things down.

I'll go.

I'll go. All right, brother, what's the number one need that you've been. That you've been hitting?

Certainty.

Certainty. Okay.

Yeah.

And what is it costing you, bro?

It's costing me, like, I guess. I don't know how to word it, but just being, like, closed off to everything else. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's costing me, like, validation.

Okay. How so?

Because if I don't feel certain, I kind of invalidate what I'm trying to get certainty from. Does that make sense? Like, so if it doesn't give me certainty, I kind of lower the validation from where it's coming from or the priority of it, and I kind of just put it, like, on a back burner, like, okay, well, this is not, you know, giving me security or certainty. Then that must not be that much, you know, that important, or don't think that I'm that important.

Got it. Okay. Okay. And if you kept. If you kept doing that for the next five years, what would it continue to cost you?

Everything. Everything that I envisioned my dream future to be.

What is that?

Just to. To be, you know, a family man with. With goals in mind of. How do I say it? Like a. Providing.

Okay.

Yeah.

How would it. How would it cost you that? Really good, by the way, Anthony, you're doing awesome, brother. I'm trying to, man.

I think it'll cost me. Wait, what was your question?

How would it cost you that?

I think by just being selfish and putting. And not realizing that there's other things or people that need prioritization to be prioritized or are just, you know, that also need that security as well.

Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Okay. This is really good. This is really good. So how could you. Or how would you want to create certainty where you still get everything you want, but you feel certain and you're still meeting that need?

Give it to myself.

And how could you practically do that.

To me?

It would honestly just be like a checklist, like, marking off little movements, little validations towards myself that I know that I'm growing, like you said, that I'm progressing, and no matter what happens, that I'll still be secure.

It's really good. That's really, really good, brother. So having, like, a new standard of living day by day. Right, right. That's really good. That's really good. So now what if. What if something happens where even though you set the standard, there is still something that happens? Uncertain. How could you create certainty Then.

It kind of something like I heard before, it's not like you rise to the occasion, but you fall to your training. And I think if I continue to train my mind of being secure in one situation or having like a kind of like a, you know, a fallback point, right? Or like, like Texas, like the Alamo, right? Something that fall back to. If I have that and something goes wrong, I can always know where I should start in order to build back up.

Okay, perfect. Perfect. I love this because that's, that's a good way to create some level of certainty within ourselves. And more importantly, this is why that for you, mindset is so important. Because if you want something to work, how many of you know you got to burn the boats, right?

That's what, that's what my servant service was about at church.

That's awesome. I feel like every time that I talk to you, brother, it's about what they just spoke to you. Um, we gotta burn the boats, right? So we gotta be all in, all in if something's going to work, right? If I started doing this, but then I actually was like, ah, but I don't know. So I'm gonna have a fallback plan then as soon as it didn't go my way or how I thought it was supposed to go, I would just fall, fall back, be like, I guess that wasn't supposed to work, right? But when you burn the boats, there's nothing to fall back onto so that you have to make it work, right? So there's that beautiful balance. And so I'll give you kind of the way that I create certainty, right? And you guys can take this or you can use it to explore a way for you to create certainty. I create certainty by trusting that God is genuinely in control. The way that I do that is again, fortifying that for you mindset. I go into my past and I look at everything that seemed like a failure to me and how God is actually using it and how it's actually now helped me get to where I am. So then what that does is if I run into a failure right now, I'm still certain because I know that that's going to be used for my good. I still know that I'm going to come out on top, right? So for some of us in relationships, this is why it's so important to work through this stuff. Because then you can go into a relationship with the certainty, not that they'll stay, but the certainty that regardless of what they do, you will be unshaken and you're going to be okay. Why? I've been there, done that, right. I've used this illustration before, but it's been a minute, so there's a lot of new people here, right? So in jiu jitsu, one of the things that my professor made me do once I got my blue belt was he said, I want you to only fight off your back. He was like, your top game is good, your takedowns are good, your passing game, all that stuff. But I want you to fight off your back. Because I was terrible fighting off my back. And so what ended up happening was I started fighting off my back, and it sucked. And then next thing you know, I started putting myself in bad situations where they were controlling me, and I was just. All my focus was on how can I escape again, Growth. How can I just escape? I just need to escape. What that did was that created certainty in my attacks that I could throw an attack, because if. If I end up on my back, I can get right back up on. On top. So sometimes failure can create certainty. Sometimes looking back at everything that ever tried to take you out and recognizing that it didn't take you out can also create certainty in our lives. Does that make sense? So now, Anthony, if you wanted to get to the life that. That you want to get to, that you specifically want to get to, what need would need to be your priority out of all six of these? Or we can say which two. Which two would you need to trade certainty for growth? Okay. As your number one. Or.

I would say giving, like, to serve would be my number one.

Okay. Beautiful. And then growth number two.

Yeah.

Okay, perfect. So let's just. Let's let's kind of play along with these. All right?

Okay.

How would these get? Start helping you get and create the life that you want.

For.

For serving, for giving. Like you said, even, you know, it's. It makes us feel better, right? So even knowing that, you know, I'm not in a place of where I might not feel certain, but I can give that certainty to somebody else. It's giving, you know, in whatever it.

May be, whatever need.

That in itself would make me feel like I'm emotionally.

Growing, it's really good. That's really good, brother. What else?

Not too sure on the spot right now.

No, that's good. That's good. You're going to leverage giving, and by giving, naturally, you're going to start growing too.

Right?

I think obviously it's hand in hand.

Yeah, exactly. And if you're giving, you can't really prioritize your certainty, can you? No, but how would giving create certainty in your life? It would.

To be honest, it would. It would almost create a certainty.

Of.

I think, love and connection.

You know what's more important to you? Certainty or love and connection?

Love and connection is pretty high up there.

Yep, brother. I love that you discovered that. Here's the thing, guys, no matter where you're at, if you're giving and you're serving, you will create certainty in your life. Why, man? I'm telling you, whatever job you have, if you out give and out serve everybody in that job, you will have certainty that this is the job that's going to keep me, they're going to take care of me, they're going to have my back. Why? Because you're serving so much. Right. And if they happen to not, then you, you will have certainty that this is not a culture that I want to grow in. So you create your own certainty by serving literally. And you create more loving connection. And the more that you're connected to people, the more certain you can be that they have your back. Yes or no, Anthony?

Yes, absolutely.

Isn't it wild that everything that you've been searching for, it's not that you didn't know how to or that you couldn't get it, it's just that your needs were off? So this is what I'm talking about. We can continue to live by chance and just be like, okay, I'm not going to address these needs. I'm not going to create a strategy to meet these needs daily, and I'm not going to prioritize any of them and I'll just see where life takes me. Or you can recognize that the way that I've been living, the way I've been prioritizing these needs has led me to exactly where I am today. And I cannot continue to move on forward and grow if I keep doing the same thing. It's not going to happen. Is not going to happen. And so I think one of the biggest revelations that we can experience is that, wow, I really can't have everything that I want. And it's all by meeting my own needs, technically. So if you could start today, tonight, brother, by operating out of this new need, what would you do?

To be, to be honest and put in short terms is not be selfish.

How could you not be selfish tonight.

To give all the human needs and not Search for it.

That's beautiful. That's beautiful. How could you give love and connection tonight?

You know, just affirmation, you know, working, you know, getting people to realize, you know, that whatever struggle they're going through, they're, you know, they're. They're not alone, you know, Give them a little bit love bomb.

Yeah, that's really good. That's really good. How could you give significance to somebody that you love today?

Prioritize who they are and what they bring to the table and what they've done for me in the past or what they currently do, brother.

This is what I want you to do tonight. I want to challenge you tonight. I want you to serve, like, let's serve four people, and let's give one of them significance. Let's give another one certainty. Let's give another one variety, and let's give another one love and connection.

Okay?

Or you can give all of that to one person. A family member, someone that you love, one of your close friends, and be like, man. Because here's the thing, Anthony, do you still have a relationship with your mom and dad?

Yeah, somewhat.

Okay, let's take your mom, for example. Can you tell just by now knowing this what her number one need is that she always goes for? I do. Which one?

Love and connection.

What about your dad?

Significance.

Now you know which need they pursue the most. So guess what need you should give them?

Exactly that. It's a trip.

Brother. I'm telling you. Everyone, I want you to know something. If you utilize this tool, you will change the experience of your life today. And if you wake up tomorrow and put this in your fight plan. Part of my fight plan is to meet these needs this week. How many people can I meet these needs for? And then make it a game. Watch people as they're walking, be like, man, I wonder what their needs are. I wonder what their needs are. And watch as people behave and just ask yourself, what need are they trying to meet right now? What need are they trying to meet? And you will start identifying it. And men, this is so good for you. Why? Because women don't help you sometimes. Women don't help you sometimes. Sometimes they do. But we need it so detailed and we need it so direct that they're like, I don't feel like I should have to give that to you. So become a man that knows what need they need before they even express it. Why? Because you see the way they move. See what I'm saying? You see their interactions. You see what they're trying to gain and what they're trying to get. That's really good, Anthony. That's really. Brother. Was that helpful for you?

It was. It was definitely. It's funny how, you know, I was searching for one thing when I just needed to give and to get all four, to be honest.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Let's bring one more on here. Let's bring one more on here and work through this. What were your needs? One more person. Also, if you have questions about this, this is the time to ask. Okay.

I think tell somebody.

Yeah.

Go ahead and unmute, Irina. There you go.

Hello? Hello. Can you hear me?

Yeah, I got you.

Okay. So I'm gonna be vulnerable.

Definitely.

The love and connection, like, I connect on an emotional level, and sometimes I know, like, it's not right, and I have a hard time, like, pulling away. So I struggle with, like, after I realized it's, you know, not right for me, then I struggle to, like, stop it, I guess.

Mm. Okay. Okay. So you're meeting your need, but you're meeting it in a way where you don't feel proud of it, right?

Yeah.

Okay. And where it's not getting you to where you want to be.

Yes.

Okay. Beautiful. Beautiful. So I'm asking you pretty much the same questions. If you keep living that way, what's it going to cost you?

Just community heart.

Yeah. Right.

Yeah.

And also, I mean, every single man wants to know that they are the man in your life. And so if you're just out giving love and connection with every other person, then especially other men, it's not going to make him feel very significant in your life.

Right?

Yes.

Okay. That's beautiful that you recognize that. I love that. Thank you for being vulnerable. This is what this is all about. So let me ask you, Irina, then, how can you create love and connection, but in a positive aspect? In a positive aspect, in a way where you'll feel proud of yourself in a way that can actually get you to where you want to be.

Maybe communicate.

Okay. Get a little bit more specific. Communicate with who?

Communicate how sometimes being honest with my. My own self, and when I'm honest with my own self, then communicate that to. To that person.

Okay. Okay. Awesome. Awesome. Is that kind of what you're doing right now, or. No.

Not sure.

Okay.

You.

You just be fully transparent with yourself. Okay. There is no right or wrong answer here. So in order for you to create love and connection in a positive way, you would need to be honest with yourself, and you would need to communicate that to that person. Okay. Is that what you're Saying.

Yeah.

And that's different than what you're doing now, correct?

Yes.

Okay, awesome. So if you wanted to create love and connection tonight. Okay. Again, I'm very practical about this stuff because if we don't have clarity as far as strategy, then we don't know how to execute it. Right. So, Anthony, we just created a very practical strategy for him to actually meet this need, even just tonight. Right. So I want to do the same thing with you, Irina. So how could you create love and connection in a way that you would feel so proud of yourself in a way that could start getting you to the life that you want, to experience the life that you want? How could you do that today?

Maybe create more boundaries and not be afraid of. Of saying no and just standing up for myself.

Okay, and how would that create love and connection between you and somebody else?

I think I should just love and connect with myself and not seek it anywhere else.

Got it, got it, got it. Okay, that's really good. That's really good. Okay, perfect. So honoring yourself really is what you're wanting to start doing then?

Yeah.

Okay, go ahead.

I kind of want to mention that I never. Oh, okay. Oh, my gosh.

You're okay. Take your time. I'll drink some water for you.

I guess I'm just hurt because my husband never showed me the love that I. I wanted. So, like, I've been seeking it for so many years and, Like, two decades, you know, and it just feels like a long time to not be loved.

Yeah.

No, I hear you on that. I hear you on that. So what is the love that you wanted from your husband?

Safety and interest.

Okay.

And respect.

Beautiful. So you want to create that within yourself then, right?

Okay.

So how can you give yourself love, safety and respect?

Just trust myself and don't be harsh. I don't know.

Yeah, that's a good one. Don't be harsh on yourself, right?

Yeah.

How hard are you on yourself, Irena? I already know the answer, but I'm just gonna ask you anyways. How hard are you on yourself?

Too hard.

Right?

Yeah.

Here's what. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to begin to love yourself the way you wish somebody loved you.

Like, I thought you've been doing the best the last, like, month, but I guess not enough.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not how we're gonna talk about it. This is how we're gonna frame it. Okay? You've been doing it. Yeah. Now you're reaching a new threshold. You broke a Ceiling. What you did this past month is not devalued, because now you need a next level. See what I'm saying? It's not like you pass level one, two, and three, and when you get to four, you're like, man, I guess I didn't do good enough on those. No, you did good enough on those. That's why you're now at this level, and that's why you're discovering this now. You see, I'm saying. So what you've done is you've discovered that, oh, wow, I was able to love myself through the grieving process, but now I'm good, and there's something missing. You see what I'm saying? And so when. When you get to this place, it doesn't mean that these other things didn't work. It means that you conquered those, and now there is a new level to conquer, which means that there's a new level for you to be able to love yourself. It's not, do I love myself this way or do I love myself this way? It's both. And they both work congruently together. Does this make sense?

Yes.

So you've already began to master what you've been working on the past month. Now it's beginning to ma. It's time to begin to master your inner dialogue, which is awesome, because that's literally what I'm coaching on next week, next Monday night. Okay, But. But just to start off, because next Monday night, I'm a dive deep into it, guys. Like, deep into it. I'm going to show you research of the science behind it, what it literally does to us, and you're going to recognize why we experience some of the things that we experience. But for now, Irina, this is what I want you to do. I want you to talk to yourself the way you would want that person to talk to you if you were going through a hard time. Would you want that person to be like, come on, girl, like, get your ass up. Like, you should be doing better than this? Or would you want them to be like, hey, baby, it's okay. I'm right here. I see you trying. I see you doing your best. What would you want?

Yeah, the second one.

The second one, right?

Yeah.

So I want you to begin to give that to yourself. And this is why this is so crucial, because if you cannot accept that from yourself yet, then you'll never notice when it's real. It might. There might be a man that comes in front of you and starts loving you that way, but because you've never allowed yourself to receive it, you might just reject it. Because they must be fake. There must be some strings attached, there must be a catch, because nobody loves that way. But when you begin to love yourself that way, now what ends up happening is there is true love like this. And now I can spot what's real and I can spot what's fake. It's like bank tellers and bank tellers were trained to identify real money not by handling fake money, but by handling a ton of real money.

I used to be a bank teller.

There you go. So you know that they didn't just give you a bunch of fake bills. They were like, this is what real dollars look like and feel like. And so then that way, whenever a fake one went into your hand, you'd be like, oh, that's weird. That doesn't feel right. You see, what I'm saying is the same, is the same thing with this. The more that you give yourself true, genuine, authentic love and grace and respect and genuinely value yourself, the more you're going to be able to identify it when it's right in front of you. But if you don't identify it now, then you can't identify it later. And this is why we self sabotage some really great relationships in our lives. You see what I'm saying? So tonight, this is what I want you to do. Because again, I'm all about the practical. There's got to be a practical strategy to this. I want you to go and I want you to just have, give yourself some space, 10, 15 minutes, and literally write down everything that you're proud of yourself for. This was something that it took me. I mean, it was so hard for me to do, so extremely difficult for me to do because I'm always focusing on what's missing so that I can create it, right?

And which.

There's a good thing to that, but there's. It can also be really bad, right? So I'm always creating. I'm always looking to expand and to grow and to give more. But I never took the time to see, like, okay, how far have I come, man? How far have I come? What have I conquered? What areas am I proud of myself for now? You see what I'm saying? Because if we never do that, then it'll never be enough. But if we can start celebrating ourselves, then now you can connect with yourself and love yourself. And guess what? Then you're going to know how to genuinely, authentically give that to somebody else. This makes sense. Yeah, it's a, it's a byproduct. This is why I believe that you guys can change the world. This is why I believe that you guys can literally conquer anything that comes your way. Why? Because I believe that about myself. So I'm just projecting my belief onto you guys. It's not that I'm just a great encourager, it's that it is my deep belief about myself and I just project that onto you. You see what I'm saying? So, Irina, is the same thing with you. I want you to have such a deep love and deep value for yourself that you cannot help but to throw that up onto your family, but to throw that up onto your friends. And whenever they start doubting themselves, you can't help but just genuinely love them and encourage them through it. You see what I'm saying?

Yes.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Okay. Awesome. Has it been helpful for you then, Irina?

Yes. Huh.

Good. Do that tonight. Let us know how you feel afterwards. Okay?

Yeah. Thank you.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Okay, let's do one more person. But I gotta plug in my computer. So. One more person. Go ahead and unmute and talk. Come on, guys, don't be shy. Go ahead. Dominica. Saw you raise your hand.

Oh, yeah, I just had something for Irina. Was that who was just talking?

Yeah.

For me I was always craving like love and connection. I put that above everything else. And after having my one on one with Coach Frank a while back.

For.

Me what I did was I started implementing boundaries as well. Because I noticed like with my relationship with my husband, I wanted love and connection so much that despite us not being aligned, I allowed like a. A lot of stuff that I guess wasn't true to myself or I allowed like people to talk to me a certain way and just different stuff like that because I just wanted that loving connection.

Just.

For example, I started talking to my sister recently again and I noticed if I shared anything positive with her, she would quickly like shut it down or be negative. And so implementing the boundaries with her of saying, hey, I love you, I want to have like a good relationship with you, but I'm noticing you're doing this type of behavior for me. Like I'm going to stop sharing certain things. These are my boundaries. And like you'll either respect those boundaries or it may cause some, some distance between us or where I stopped sharing stuff. And I noticed that she quickly realized it and going forward it allowed us to get closer versus causing distance. And so that might be something that helps you as well is as your love and connections are really good one to have, but implementing the Boundaries and staying true to yourself. It will allow, like, the right people around you and allow you to be able to serve others around you as well authentically, versus just doing stuff that you really don't want to do or like having relations, like having relationships with people or friends that, you know, it's kind of toxic or not very healthy. But you put up with a lot of stuff anyway just because you. You want those loving connections. But I think boundaries, like you said earlier, is a really good place to start.

Yeah, Dominica. That's really good. Come on, Coach. Dominica. Get in there. I like that. Let's go, Irina. That's so true. That is so true. Because sometimes when you crave love and connection, it's kind of like you were saying, like, you end up getting that in places that you're like, dang it, I feel like I betrayed myself, my values, my moral, all those things. But the best loving connection happens with the people that are meant to be at your table, not the people that are at your table. I want to be clear on this for everyone. You might have some people at your table right now that don't belong at your table. And so sometimes we think that because they're at my table, this is the people that I'm supposed to be with. But maybe this year is a year for you to get intentional with. Who sits at my table? Who sits at my table? Why are they here? What purpose are they serving? Are they challenging me in any way? You see what I'm saying? Sometimes we remove people from our table because they challenge us too much. And we think of it as, oh, they, they don't want anything. They don't want something good for me. No, they actually want something better for you, which is why they challenge you. You can always tell by who's challenging you for your good and who's just challenging you so to try and bring you down. Right? And so maybe it's time to start removing some of these people and opening up some seats at your table. Does that make sense, Irina?

Yeah, it does. It just. Something has been happening with my ex's parents and my in laws. So it's something that's been, like, building up and it just got the best of me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, why, if you don't mind me asking. If you don't mind me asking?

Okay.

Why the hell have you not brought it up any other weeks that we've been doing coaching?

Well, no, it was good, but my mom has been here and they connected to my mom. You know, they waited until like, the last two days until she had to leave. And so they reached out two days ago, and it's just all this drama happened, you know, where we're trying to walk away, and they're trying to reach us, but now, like, I'm being blamed for everything, and they're saying I lied about everything, and he's a good person and just said a whole bunch of things that are not true, so.

Got it. Okay. Okay. Perfect. Perfect. So, yeah, this is where you can start, you know, setting some boundaries. Okay.

Yes.

And remember, you got it. You got it. You got to figure out. You got to figure out what your desired outcome is between you and that person that only you can figure that out. For some people, it might be. Don't really need to communicate with. You don't really want that. That's my desired outcome. So that person, you just completely cut them off. If you want intimacy with that person, then you can figure out a way, okay, this is my desired outcome, and this is how I want you to get to it. But if you go around and you start talking to me this way or you start doing these things, that's where my boundary comes up. Right. To hopefully bring you back on the blueprint to reach that desired outcome. But only you can determine that. Does that sound good?

Yeah. Yeah.

No.

Like, their response was kind of the cherry on the top to, now I know why I'm divorcing him, and I see how his family is, and it just put a big fat period to our marriage.

I like that. I like that. I like that you're using it for your good again. You're using it to help you create even more closure as beautiful. That's beautiful. That's why so many people wait for closure to get given to them and get created when there's so much evidence out there already that you can use for your own closure like this. Well, you know what? If that's really how the family is, then I'm really happy that God's actually use this thing to start separating me from that now. Now that gives you closure to why things went down the way that they went. That makes sense.

Yes.

100%.

Beautiful. Beautiful. Awesome. Irina, that's incredible. Thank you for that, man. Guys, this. This was incredible. Was this helpful for y'?

All?

I want you to drop some. Some emojis, some fire emojis in the chat. If this was a helpful session for you, this gave you more clarity as far as to why you do what you do, maybe even into your past. Some things where you. You might have not shown up the way that you wanted to, and now you can start making some shifts. If you identified the need that you've been kind of pursuing that's not getting you to where you want to get, then I want to literally charge you to this week. Like, man, I love that. All the fire emoji chats. Come on. I want to invite you to this week. Lean in onto that. Lean into it and be like, okay, where do I want to be and what needs to shift?

What.

What need does my focus need to be obsessed with to get to where I want to get to? You saw me just do that with Anthony. We changed his complete need to a completely different one. And then you saw me do it with Irina, who her need never changed, but she was doing it in a negative aspect, and now she's doing it in a positive aspect. So you have two examples that you can work through. This video will be live tomorrow. So if you need to rewatch it and work through it, I want you guys to work through it because this right here is a massive game changer. Here's the thing, guys. This 2023, you got to go all in. You got to go all in on you this year. You got to go all in on becoming the greatest, baddest version of yourself.

Why?

Just like when we were encouraging Jonathan in that men's group, how we are encouraging. Hey, bro, don't worry about who she's with and try and one up him. Just one up yourself. Just one up yourself. Do it for you. Go all in on you guys. Here's the thing. If you master, when you begin to not even master this, the simple fact that you're aware of this means that you're going to be way more intentional than any other dude that's out there right now for the men and for the ladies. The same thing. The same thing. Like, you're going to know how to utilize these things so that you can actually use them in the dating scene. And guess what? Like, I'm just going to say it. People are going to start falling in love with you very quickly, and you're going to have a lot of options, and you're going to be able to choose whether or not this person is aligned with me, whether they're not aligned with me, right? But more than that, you can create deep levels of fulfillment within your own life without having to wait to get to where you think you need to be at. Guys, you don't need to be anywhere specific. God has you right where you are for a specific reason. Sometimes we get so caught up on, man, once I hit this goal, then I'm gonna be good. But I want. I want you guys to look at Robin Williams. Robin Williams hit every single goal he ever wanted to hit. But he took his own life is because he was obsessed with hitting his goals, thinking that maybe once I hit this goal, that'll be enough for me. I'll be fulfilled. Maybe if I do this, then I'll be fulfilled. It's never about the goal. Fulfillment starts now. And it gets. And fulfillment from here gets you to the goal. When we start focusing on what we control. Here's the thing. You want to make a million dollars? Focus on making 50,000. After you make 50,000, be grateful to God that you used to only make 20,000 and now you're making 50,000. And then focus on, okay, how can I make 55,000 and then be grateful for the extra 5,000? Because if you're not grateful for the extra, why would God continue to give that to you? We need to learn how to operate out of where we're at right now. We are here for a reason. There's. There's specific lessons that we can only learn in this specific season in our life. That's why I'm so proud of each and every single one of you. Why? Because some of you have conquered the heartbreak, but now some of you are getting new lessons, just like Vanina experienced through co parenting. Whatever season you're in, there's a blessing in it. There's a lesson in it. There's opportunity for growth, and there's opportunity for fulfillment. For fulfillment. So if you're looking for fulfillment outside of yourself or in some sort of goal, I want that to go out the window today. And I want you to recognize that the way that I get fulfilled is by growing and giving. Growing and giving. And the simple fact that you just learned about this today and you're starting to implement it in your life. I mean, you guys heard Anthony. He was giggling like a little schoolboy when he was like, dang, this is trippy. It creates something in you because you become aware, and you're like, you feel powerful now because now it's not your needs using you. It's you using your needs. For a lot of us, we've been living by chance, and our needs have been using us. And it got us to this point, and now we got to stop living by just chance, and we got to start living by choice. No, today I wake up and I'm choosing to pursue growth and giving or I'M choosing to pursue giving and love and connection or I'm choosing to pursue love and connection and growth, whatever that is for you, to get you to where you need to be and want to be. Make the decision and go all in on it. Go all in on it tonight. And then when you wake up in the morning, go all in. First thing in the morning. Don't wait. Go all in. This is the year for you guys to burn the ships. There is no other way. There is no more blaming the ex. There is no more looking for fulfillment in a career. There is no more looking for fulfillment in a person. Person. I am going to create fulfillment and I am going to master how to create fulfillment and I will not let anybody shake me from that. And if you try to, you will get removed from my table and I will open up a seat for somebody who will bring something to the table, not just take from my table. Know what I'm talking about, guys? Awesome, awesome, everybody. Great session tonight. Great session tonight. I'm super excited for next session. This next session. Next week. We're going to be talking about our inner dialogue and our self thought and self talk is what I call it. Self thought and self talk. I'm going to talk about the power that it has. I'm going to talk about it biblically for all the Christians and I'm going to talk about it scientifically for everyone so that we can get a good understanding of what is happening. This is why you guys are creating so much breakthrough in your lives so quickly. It's because this is a proven process. It's a proven science. Everything that I'm guiding you through and the ones that are willing to take the risk and jump on it and not just learn it, but apply it. That's why you're experiencing what you're experiencing. And so we're only going to take that to the next level. Okay, Sound good, everybody? Awesome. Thank you guys for staying just a little bit late. I know sometimes I go over. Hope you guys don't get annoyed by that. But yeah, I will see you guys next Monday. God bless you all.