How to deal with heartbreak.

Guys, welcome to the Conquerors podcast. I'm so excited. I'm so stoked to get to do this podcast with you guys. With the Conquerors community, everything started off with divorce recovery, and so this podcast is going to hit a ton on recovering from divorce and really creating a new life, the life that you felt like you couldn't have. So we're going to actually cover a bunch of stuff on this podcast to really give you the tools that you need and strategies to just learn how to maximize your life. Because you guys hear me say this all the time if you follow me on social media, and that is that life happens on its terms, but life can always be experienced on our terms. Okay? And so today we got a special guest, man. We got Margarita C. Donis, and she is a licensed mental health counselor and a certified clinical trauma professional. Margarita has been involved in the mental health and social services field for over 10 years, specializing in trauma related disorders, depression, anxiety, life changes, and relationship issues. Margarita has treated an array of populations, from children to geriatrics, as well as inmate clients and those involved in the jail diversion program in Miami, Florida. Most recently, in 2020, Margarita became certified to work with first responders. Come on. That's incredible, guys. Opening the door for those in the helping professions to also receive mental health treatment. Through her practice, Margarita's daily, daily inspiration is having the opportunity to positively influence her clients lives. She states, making someone feel seen, heard, understood, be able to help them put the pieces together and see them thrive is what it's all about. I believe we are more than our mental illness. So everybody give it up for Margarita And Margarita, man, I'm so excited to have you here on the Conqueror's podcast, man. It's the first episode and I'm so stoked to see what. What we all cover. Thank you so much for being here.

Hi, how are you?

Good, good, good. How are you doing today?

Good, good. I think I. You were introducing and then the thing rejoined me, so I. I don't know if you said anything that I missed, but I'm here now.

Oh. Probably. It's not a big deal. Don't worry. You didn't miss anything. Good. Let's put it that way.

Okay, great.

Awesome. So let's get this thing started. First of all, I just want to ask you what made you want to start doing what you do?

Oh, can I go as detailed as necessary?

You can go as detailed as you want. There's no holding back.

So I grew up in a home where things were a little chaotic. There was A lot of arguing. It's kind of like that couple that stays together forever but just argues every day. And there was a lot of ups and downs, a lot of anxiety, a lot of being very hyper vigilant in that environment. For those who don't know what that means, it's just really alert all the time because you don't know how much things are going to change or they're going to be stable or whatnot. And so I got the idea really quickly when I was like 12 or 13 that I was pretty good at conflict resolution. And I had a niche for helping people either come together, solve issues, get better. Right. Like generate this piece. So it started at home, and then eventually when I went to college, I said, okay, this is definitely what I want to do. And then long story short, then I narrowed into, niched into trauma. That's really my, my area.

That's insane. So you said that you figured that out as a kid.

Yes.

That's interesting.

So it's a blessing and a curse. I was kind of in the middle of a lot of those arguments, which, you know, it happens to a lot of couples. But, you know, I've been on the receiving end of that and I definitely knew there had to be better ways. And so I think I had to be resilient to grow skills around that so that I could be okay.

That's really good.

So then it was like almost a default, but now I should pass this on.

Wow. So your resilience is what created your gift, essentially.

Yeah. I've had a lot of tools for a while.

I love that. I love that because I feel like one of the things that we always try and run from is pain. But resilience isn't built when you run from pain.

Correct. If you don't have pain, then you can't really mold, you know, something out of that.

Yeah, you just kind of stay. Right. So what was. What was, if you don't mind me asking, and if you're okay opening, I don't want to push, you know, too.

Oh, I need. You can ask anything. It's fine.

Yeah. So what was the, what was the pain as a, as a kid that started kind of creating that resilience in you?

Well, I think it went through a lot of like self esteem issues to begin with. There was a lot of. I had a lot of. I was not the best socially. And I always thought that there was some sort of issue with me. Like, I remember reading my journals a while back and then it said, you know, what's wrong with me. And so I went through a lot of personal pain where there was, you know, just the self image, the. I didn't know how to fit in. I didn't know how to acclimate. There was a lot of lack of growth there, and there was a lot of. I'm isolating. Right. I was alone a lot. I'm an only child, so that didn't help either. No cousins or anything. I grew up with older folks, so it was just me and a bunch of oldies and. Yeah, that's why.

That's why you got wisdom so fast.

Right there, you know, Accelerated it, I guess. And. Yeah, just from there on, I think it was either sink or swim. And I think a lot of us get to that point in life and there's no sinking here, so. Yeah, I mean, I can tell you that much. My parents gave me that piece. You don't stop. You don't give up.

Yeah, it's wild that you learn that, like, at a young age, you know? Is that how you thought whenever all that stuff was happening, or was it more like, you know, as a kid you just kind of do what you can to, like, survive, and then looking back at it, it's like you see it differently or. How was that experience?

I think, you know, one of the biggest things that helped me was the fact that I was always good at school. So I can't deny that I did have good grades and I don't have to study too much, like, to get a good grade.

You're the opposite of me. You're the people I can't stand. Dude, that's how my brother was. He didn't even have to study.

Well, it helped me get through a lot because I put my focus there. And it's seen in a lot of different podcasts or books that you read. People will tell you if you have a focus outside of the pain that you're in that keeps driving you, that ends up being, like, your saving grace or whatnot.

Yeah. It's so interesting because the way that you talk about where you're at now, it's almost like you're giving a thank you to the pain of the past.

Yes.

It's not like. Yeah, it's not like I wish it didn't happen. It's more like I'm actually glad that it did, because since it did, now I'm here.

Well, I had to work on that because it doesn't really feel that way initially. And growing up, it didn't feel that way. I was very resentful. To what I went through because I always felt that I had got the short end of the stick in some things.

Yeah.

And I always felt like there was a lot of parts of me that I ended up. I ended up polishing on my own that could have been polished better.

Wow.

If my parents would have had their ish together when it came to their relationship.

Yeah.

And so I went through that and I went through therapy, you know, for that and kind of hashing that out and looking and, you know, kind of taking the purpose from the pain versus, you know, just sitting in the resentment and. Which doesn't help us grow anyways. So growth, mindset would just take what was necessary and make something out of it and not, you know, not sit in that puddle of. Of the past, I guess.

Yeah. So when was that? When was that transition, if you don't mind me asking? When. When was the transition? Where it was you started actually. Yeah. You actually started creating it to be a blessing.

It took a while. So when I was 12, I started journaling. I didn't, by the way. I never went to therapy. There was not a thing you did. We're Hispanic. And originally, like, only the crazy people go to therapy or psychiatrists. Right.

Yeah, I know. Trust me, I know.

Which was ironic. It was ironic because my father got arrested soul. He suffered from depression. And I came to realize that as I got older when I would see his meds and I now knew, you know, what those things were back when I was a kid. I didn't. Yeah. But anywho. So when I was 12, I started journaling. I did a lot of that. So I know that ish works. Okay. I just didn't know. It's just, you know. Oh, I read in my diary. Right. But it was really journaling. And then by the time I was 15, I had a little bit of an, I guess like an awakening. By the way, side note, my father had me when he was 57, so we had a 57 year gap.

I mean, you know, with all due respect. Respect to your pops. Hey.

Yes. I was his child.

That's amazing. That's.

Yeah. So I. I had, you know, that awakening that I really wasn't going to have them for a long time, at least not my dad. My mom was. Is 20 years old, 20 years younger. And I grew up around them. And my grandparents. My grandparents were contemporaries with my dad. Like, my mom's parents were like, around my dad's age. So it was like, pretty. They were all going to be gone. Right. So that was just a Rude reality that I faced. And I said, okay, I don't have a life that I, you know, that most people are going to have, which is true. My father passed away, and I was 29. And so, yeah, so I think I started from there, where I started to realize who I really was. I had impulse control issues. Like, I was like my father. I was very angry all the time. I then got into arguments with him, verbal arguments. It never got physical, thank God, but it was pretty violent. And I ended up telling myself at one point by that age that I didn't want to be like him. I just didn't know what to do. Yeah, so I made a lot of mistakes. You know, luckily there was. Luckily I didn't do any jail time or anything like that, but I made a lot of mistakes. And eventually, fast forward. By the time I was 25, I learned what it was like to keep a friendship. I learned what it was like to socially acclimate. I learned. By that time, I was a pretty different human being. And that was without therapy because I was studying it. But then I was like, oh, I don't need it. Oh, I don't need it. Until. Until I then did right. Until I was like, okay, we should all go. So, yeah, it was a long journey, and I feel like I'm still learning these days. But, you know, you know, the marriage I was in before, because I'm also divorced, I think helped a lot of the growth. He got to know a lot of me in that growth period, and I learned a lot from that, too.

That's really good. That's really good. I love that you're able to, like, now. Now you've kind of trained yourself to see, like, the beauty in some of these, like, hard situations. And, man, I just want to say, like, my heart goes out to you because it's. It's kind of like I can't even fathom the idea of, like, you know, starting to grow up and then just having that thing in the back of your head. Like, all the people that I love, they're not going to be here much longer, you know? Yeah, like, that's. That's a completely different world. I remember once, whenever my grandma was about to pass away, um, my dad stayed at my house because my mom was at the hospital with my grandma. And it was one of the most real conversations that I ever had with my dad because we were just kind of, like, talking about it, how my mom needs to prep and she's not prepped for it. And my dad opened up and he was like, son. He was like. When. He was like, it's just a different feeling when you lose a parent. And so I was like, well, what's it feel like, dad? And he literally said he was like, it feels as if you. You have nobody that has your back. It was like, it's like, you know, whenever you're going through something, you know, or you're tired. Like, for me, whenever I was driving, you know, dump trucks and 18 wheelers, something happened to the truck. I could call my dad, but if he. If he's not there, it's like, who. Who am I going to call now? Like, who's my first go to. And just carrying that even I'm like, man, my heart goes out to you. It just. It speaks volumes of your resilience.

And.

And, yeah, that's. That's pretty.

That's pretty powerful. I mean, I'll appreciate it. I'll tell you this much. I think because I grew up with such a difference in generations, there was, again, a blessing or a curse. I'm not sure. But there was a lot that we didn't share. So my father, although he was very present, you know, in my life, and my parents stayed together, whatnot, he came from a generation. He was born in 1934, so more or less around there. And he came from a generation where men provided and they came home and then things were done for them. Or like, my dad cooked, so he was like, that's the one modern thing, I guess, that he did for his, you know, for his generation.

Yeah.

But he was a provider and everything else. The woman did.

Yeah.

You know, the woman goes with you to ballet class, not your father. You know, if your father can make it to your performance, he does it. You know, if he doesn't, he doesn't. Because that's a woman thing or that's a girl thing.

Yeah, he's got to work.

Yeah. So. Or he's got to be up in the morning because they used to own a business or whatever, and he's got to go take an hour drive, whatever. Right. So there was a lot of lack of connection there and then, which. That's another thing I had to work on because it's like when you do lose a parent and then you lose them without the sharing now, you feel like you missed out and you were. You know, then you blame yourself for missing out, whatever stuff.

Yeah.

Then it's kind of like I took a reverse role a long time ago, which I didn't know I had until it was too late. Where I was more of the parent because they were older, because my dad, especially my dad was older. You find yourself, you know, you're more gung ho about things. You have all this energy. Your father's becoming an older man.

Yeah.

And so, like, my dad was cool, like in his 60s. Right. I was 10, but by the time I hit 15 or 20, I got Grandpa. Right. He's my dad, but in reality, he's at a stage where he's not gonna be running with me or, you know, or doing some of the more active things. Right?

Yeah. No. Bungee jumping.

No. You know, and then he was. And then he had a bunch of like, illnesses. Right. So it wasn't like this active, like 70 something year old. And. And so I took upon a different role, which put me in the driver's seat for a long time.

Yeah.

I realized that I had my dad's personality when it came to being driven and resilient. And so then I took that upon myself with my mother. And so did I feel like something like a part of me left when he passed to go back to what you were saying. Yes. But it was almost like I haven't had much to turn to because I've been in charge for a while.

Wow.

So I had to grieve that too. That's a grieving. That happened a long time ago when it was like, well, you suit up and you just do. Like, I'd been giving money at home since I was like, 15.

Yeah.

I've been working since I was 15.

Yeah. So you had to grow up quick.

Yeah, I just. It just had to own that responsibility. And then you just. All you see is responsibility. Right. Because there's no other child to be childlike with you.

Yeah.

You know, and so this is what you do. So I've been a grown up for a while.

Hey. But you can be a child now. Shoot.

Yes. With some money. Right. Like, that's even worse.

Yeah, it's even better. That's why I tell. I've told my 1% conquerors, like, on our Saturday coaching calls multiple times. I'm like, dudes and ladies, go freaking play with your kid. And, like, give yourself the freedom to be goofy as hell. Like, give yourself the freedom to just not care what anybody thinks to make your kid belly laugh. Like, Shia LaBeouf said this. I know a lot of people aren't a big fan of Shia LaBeouf, but I watched an interview that he did recently, and he's just really learned from massive mistakes, and he's just a completely different person. But he said something that caught my attention. He said that the mo. The hardest thing to get from a human is a genuine, authentic laugh. That's the hardest thing to get from somebody. It's just because, you know, we just go through so much stuff and we got so much pain and trauma and turmoil and issues that are coming, and then our mind is never in the moment. We're always in, like, what's going to happen? What do I need to do? How can I prepare? We just take ourselves out of it. And so I'm like, now we're adults, but I'm like, I'm not going to lie. Like, I might be a grown up, but I'm a kid. I like. I like being a kid. I mean, I'll throw down when I need to, right? I'll adult when I need to. But for the most part, like, I like being a kid. I really. I really do like being a kid when I'm growing up. So I want to go back to this, though. You said something that caught my attention. This will kind of like, lead us into, like, the main topic of tonight, which is all about our feelings, how we can start feeling better, how we can process emotion, how we can process grief. All those things which I think are. Are key to the beginning stages of, you know, conquering your divorce and your heartbreak and being able to move forward. Because if you can't conquer emotions, they conquer you. And my pastor always said, emotions are incredible servants, but they're hellish masters. And so you said something and stood out to me. You were talking about how the diary thing, and you're like, that stuff works, right? So from somebody who obviously you have a background in this, you probably know a lot more of, like, the science behind it or the method behind it and why it actually works. Why does journaling work? Because I think a lot of. A lot of men that see that as kind of like a feminine thing kind of shy away from it. And then as soon as. As soon as I get them to actually do it, they experience breakthrough. It's just getting them to actually do it. Right. So why does the practice of journaling actually help people?

Okay, so I'll even go a little deeper into, like, exactly. Like with men, for example. So a lot of my male clients. Side note, guys, you don't have to journal. You can bullet list it. Okay? I mean, manafy it, if that's a.

Word, you've got to write a novel.

But it's not going to be narrative. Guys, you don't have to write Me a sentence. Can you just bullet your emotions? We can make a chart. We can make it manlier. Okay.

I like. I like that. Because men are like, straight to the point. They're just like, let's just.

Yeah. Just like, give me some bullet points. What happened? If you felt xyz, what was happening at that moment, that's it. It's a synopsis. It's not a. You know. Anyways, why does it work? Okay. A lot of the times, men or women, we keep our stuff in our heads. Especially if you're a private person, which again, a lot of men tend to be.

Yeah.

With their emotions. It's just. It's an overall thing. It just ruminates. Or you repeat a lot of the stuff in your head, which then if you know, like, you know, the more that it's in your head and not being verbalized, it actually looks like a bigger issue in your head. Most. More. The more. The more likely than it is in reality. So when we actually write it down, it's one of the things that is happening is that we're dumping pretty much this thought process that we had in our head. We're actually putting it into words. Right. So technically, if you are doing it in sentences, it helps to formulate thoughts. Kind of like if you wrote an essay.

Yeah.

And then you're formulating the thought, then when you read it over, you add some common sense to it or you actually mirror yourself. You're kind of like. Oh, you know, kind of like when you're telling a story and you don't really realize what you're in until you're telling someone, you're like, oh, my God, that's horrible. Like, did I do that? You know, like that. It's that kind of realization that you want. It's that reality check. And that reality check is, you know, could be like that, or it could be painful. It could be very, you know, sentimental. But it's important to have the exercise of getting it out of your head and onto somewhere else. A lot of people who don't do that, maybe they have really good friends or they go to therapy and they talk about it and they're still, you know, letting that go. But for folks who really don't have that habit or maybe that ability to communicate as well, then writing things down helps. It gives you a task where you can put it somewhere. And it takes a little bit of that rumination, that heavy thought process away, at least for a moment.

Yeah.

Yeah. So it helps to do that over time. You get into this habit of where things don't have to stay inside. They don't have to stay in this brain bubble that you have there. It can go somewhere. You shut the book, you walk away as you get better at it, then we can read it over. I don't always tell people to read it over unless they're good for that. Because depending on my trauma clients, I don't want them re. Traumatizing. Yeah, but if you're. Let's say you were divorced recently and you're. You don't have any other mental health issues. Right. Maybe you're just going through that challenge, that separation, then. Yeah. You want to read it over. You want to, you want to embrace what you're feeling. You want to honor that.

Yeah.

And then we can make a plan on how to move forward. Like, you have to look at the blueprint before you can build the house. Right. You got to get. And that's really looking at exactly where you're at and going through that, you know, that emotional process, whatever that looks like for the person.

Yeah, that's so good. Why do you think we run from that, though? What do you think? So why do you think so many people run from the very thing that's actually going to create their breakthrough?

Well, why? I'm going to meet you with a question and I'm going to answer the question. Such a therapist, it's the same. Why do we think, why do people not move on in life? Let's say just personal growth. Right. I have this goal to do something and they sit on that. And sometimes they sit on that for years. It's the same answer. I don't want to face myself.

Yeah.

Because the first thing you have to do is face what you have to work with, which is you.

Good. That's so good.

You face what you have to work with, which is you.

Yeah.

You may not even like you.

Is that okay?

Yeah. And that's okay. But the thing is, you got to look at you exactly for how you are. Whatever you think, it's broken, half assed, fantastic. Like everything. Look at all the pieces. I tell my clients they're a house. And in your house we have different rooms. You have as many rooms as you want, and the rooms are everything that you give a piece of your heart to, everything that you've stored. We need to go through every room. We have to be able to look through every room, sort those rooms. I have a seven question process for each room. And we identify what's great, what's not so great, what needs work. You Know some rooms are empty and do you want them to be empty? That's something else.

Wow, that's really. Okay. That, that, that, that gave, that provoked a thought in me. You have me thinking quite a bit here and I'm trying to see which way I want to go. But the way that I think I want to go, I just feel like the holy spirit prompting me on this. Right. Is the room that's empty. Right. When we're conquering divorce, when we're conquering heartbreak, usually what ends up happening is something that I see a lot. It's like this, this, like, I don't want to say toxic, because I hate that word. It's like this hurting, like confidence and this hurting self esteem Persona that people put on where they're like, I just, I don't mind being alone. I don't mind being alone. It's like, well, is it, is that what you really thought before you fell in love? Because that person obviously had a dream and had a desire. And I think sometimes we let pain kind of say, you know what? I'd rather not go back into that room. I'd rather that room just stay empty. And I think it's part of what you were talking about. It's running from the pain. It's never actually dealing with the pain. Because if we never deal with it, then we never open ourselves up to bring stuff into the room again.

Yeah. And we carry it with us. If you, if you, if you don't face it, that's fine. Don't face it. Right. Avoid it. Shove it up, you know, put it away. Put locking key on it, Put it in that closet.

Shove it up what, I don't know.

Wherever you want to put it. In that closet in the three tier house you have, I don't know, put it there. And then one day there's going to be something called the trigger. A commercial, a stop sign, something. And guess what? Because that little thing has a heartbeat when you put it away. Remember, you didn't, you didn't hash it out. You didn't deal with it.

Yeah.

You didn't, you didn't bury it. It's gonna come right back. It could be 20 years later. I mean.

Yeah. How do you, how do you, how do you handle triggers with, with like trauma clients? Because some people would say that divorce causes trauma and so does heartbreak. And it definitely does. It's like a big shock and it changes your whole life. You know, at least in that moment it feels like, no, it changes your whole life either way. But in that moment. It feels like it's changing it in a very negative way. Right. And so how do you help people navigate triggers? Because I believe that triggers are a gift. I believe that triggers are a blessing. I actually want to be triggered more. Why? Because it reveals areas that I need work on. Right.

Well, that's because you're already resilient, because you've already gone through some work.

Thank you. So that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

You're so consistent. I'm going to give you those basic, you know, those elevated compliments. You're so consistent and accountable.

Yeah. It's like, come on, bro, talk to me like I'm a human.

That pink is so cute on you. I kind of comment.

So how do you handle triggers? How do you help people with trauma navigate triggers? Because I think there's a lot of people, even like the Conquerors listening right now live, and the people that are going to be listening to this podcast when it comes out that they're. They're. They're getting triggered. They're getting triggered by a social media post from their ex. They're getting triggered by driving by that McDonald's. And they may.

Why are they. Why are they still following their ex on social media?

Yeah, well, we'll talk about that later. I actually. I actually challenged my clients. I don't force them because I don't force them to do anything, but I actually challenge them to not remove them until they are feeling indifferent about it and they get to that place. But it brings up a lot of stuff really fast that we kind of got to work through. So I'm interested to hear, though, back to the question. Right, sorry. I'll talk a lot. You guys are going to realize that I talk a lot.

You're good.

How do you help people navigate the trigger?

So we're going to. We'll use the divorce topic, right? We'll say someone who comes in is looking at that divorce or has been affected by that divorce or their separation as a traumatic event. Because, you know, trauma doesn't have to be. You know, you went to war and you came back with ptsd. Okay. It's a wound. So whatever wounded you and is not helping you move on can already be traumatic.

Yeah. So, like Teletubbies. Like the show Teletubbies. It wounded all of us. Because you watched it as a kid. My kids. I watch.

I watched Spanish cartoons. Okay.

I didn't. Dude, I didn't. I feel so, like, not. Not part of my heritage because I missed out On. Sorry I keep interrupting. You keep going.

You're good. It's fine. So. So the triggers are what? The X? I mean, it depends on what the trigger is. Right. So we'll just get an example. The trigger is the fact that we share kids, and this is like an ongoing one. We have children, and we're obviously going to have to keep in touch. We have to do co parenting, whatever that is. Yeah, we have to. We always have to identify what triggers, like, because of the trigger is seeing him or whatever what he says, why does it affect you? Okay. It's like, what part of you is still activated when that happens?

So.

Good. If you're still triggered, by the way, there are still feelings there. And it doesn't have to be that you love this person and you want to go back with them. No. But you're not fully healed. Because if you were. And I'll use my father's death as an example, which a lot of people will argue, oh, when you lose somebody, you never really are the same. And I said, okay, yes, I can see that. But you do heal from the pain. And the way you heal and you know you've healed is that when I speak about it, when I can tell a story, I'm no longer emotionally affected by it. Which I think is what you meant about the indifference. Yes. So it's the same thing. We have to study the trigger. So a lot of the times we write lists about which what are the triggers? And we need to dissect each one because it all goes rooted back to the person. So in this case, your client.

Yeah.

They're the ones being triggered. No one's actually probably doing anything to trigger them. They're the ones being exposed to something that then mirrors something in them.

Yeah.

And that's the thing we have to work on.

Yeah.

Usually there's a root to it. Right. It's like, oh, because when he says this, you know, I hate it because he behave, you know, say he. Because I'm a woman. So he then, you know, responds to me this way. And he always did that in our marriage. Because this is the way he. And I can't say, okay, we're not there anymore.

Yeah.

So one of the things you have to do in that case if want to go a little bit forward is build a certain amount of boundaries. Yeah, boundaries. So that you're doing what needs to be done. Let's say, example of the co parenting. We're not crossing that line. Oh, so. And so said this. Is that relevant to the children? No. So we're going to put a boundary and we're going to speak about what is relevant and we're going to be that mature person who handles our emotions, manages that, as hard as that can be. But it avoids the instigation of that trigger or the ability for that to affect us. Unnecessary. That makes sense.

Yep. Yeah.

So we got to do. It's like depending on how many triggers and what they are and where they're coming from, but it always goes back to the person. And then we have to heal that in the person. Sometimes it goes even deeper. Like I've, you know, I was in my marriage and I've been in relationships where I had to work in therapy and realizing that I kept picking different versions of my father.

Yeah.

So sometimes we're being triggered and we're saying it's that ex husband, ex wife. And it's not. It's what they represent about XYZ that then triggers you that then used to have to deal with the fact that you too were there. So, see, there's always a personal thing.

Yeah, that's so true. That's so good. Because I, I see that you keep pointing it back and there's something that I do a lot. I point it back to us, like a focus on your side of the street. That's it. That is.

It's your journey. And my therapist has always told me that I've learned, you know, I learned a lot from a lot of different people. I've had multiple therapists, you know, coaches just. You keep learning and they always remind me, hey, that's your journey. How are you doing with your journey? Regardless, if you're sharing your life with someone and you have to keep growing there, just as it is their responsibility to grow in theirs. And so that's why I always revert back to the self. If the self is not okay, then you're not showing up okay in other places.

Yeah.

And if you are okay and you are content with yourself and you understand you're on a growth pattern and you're healing and you're going to coaching or therapy and you know, even post divorce and all that stuff, then you know where you're headed.

Yeah.

I don't care if so. And so says I don't. I don't know. Or if he has this tendency to say whatever, it doesn't matter because you're so good with you.

Yeah.

That you're focused.

Exactly. That's so good. Elaborate on what you really mean whenever you say the self. Right person. Yeah. Does that mean Is that specific to, like, esteem worth? What is that?

Everything that has to do with you. So you're the house. And I know I'm going to harp on that just because I think it's such a.

Go for it. Drive it in.

It's a cool exercise I came up with. So. So you're. You're. You're your own home. You need to make sure that home is your style. It's furnished like you. You know, it's. You don't build your home in anyone else. You build it in yourself.

Yeah.

So I always go back to how is the home? How is the self? And all parts of it are all 17 rooms. We identified whatever those are. How are those doing? What's that project? How's that project coming along? Because when you've got you on a path that you really like, even if you haven't achieved what you want to achieve, but you're on that path and you've got that vision and you feel like you have purpose, you can be in and out of relationships, you can go through bad relationships. It doesn't matter. You can make mistakes, whatever. You will still come back to that home that you built and know for a fact you're going to be okay.

I love that. I love the analogy of the home because it's. It's so true. It's like you always come back to you at the end of the day, and we. We like. I hear so many people that are just constantly looking for fulfillment in another person. And some people might not even admit that, but the fact that they're miserable alone proves that, right? That you just don't like your own home. And I think it's so true. Like, once you begin to like your own home, it's. I feel like that's when the indifference comes. That's when the triggers start to settle down just a little bit. But you've got to, like, explore those triggers, right? And. And like, the. The way that. The way that I see triggers is it's something that happened. And this is why Cancel Culture is huge right now, is because everybody is like, not everybody. It's because we have so many people that do not want to face any type of pain. They just want life to be cozy. And that's not life. That was never how. I mean, for crying out life, you came out of the womb, the first thing you did was cry. Pain is guaranteed, right? Discomfort is guaranteed. And so you got these people that are getting triggered, and so now they want to cancel the thing that triggered them. When what should be happening is why am I being triggered? What's the story that's being created in my head right now? And then that takes us back to the journaling.

There's an emotional resilience that needs to happen. The term would be emotional intelligence, but, you know, so there has to be a. Capacities. When I tell my clients, we have to build emotional capacity to withstand xyz, it's the same way, very general. You know, example, you go to the gym, you start lifting 20 pounds. You know, eventually you can make it 250, but you're not going to do that right away. And what do you got to do to do that? You got to show up consistently, right? You got to work on that muscle, and there is pain involved. It's. It's not a fun process, but it's your result that then, I don't know, six months later, you know, you're jacked up or whatever you're doing, and you're just, like, so cool with the results that the pain you had to go through got you to.

Yeah.

And so emotionally, it's the same thing. I'm not saying to live, you know, in your depression or. Or being in this, all these feelings all the time, but there has to be a healthy amount of facing things.

Yes, yes. Can you. Can you. Can you hit on that?

Okay.

Because this is something that frustrates me a little bit if I'm being honest. And be honest, okay. Cause I'm very forward moving and, like, that's just how I'm wired, right? And one thing that really gets me is I'm all about processing emotions. I teach clients how to do that. Right? And I tell people, you've got to process what it is that you're feeling. But I think there's a difference between processing an emotion and staying in your crap. Like, I think there's a big difference between, like, okay, I am really sad right now. I'm really angry. I'm really hurt. I'm feeling really ashamed. You know, I'm feeling all these types of things and exploring them. Then I just feel really bad. So I'm just gonna lay in it, not just all day, but all week. And then for some people, that week turns into month, month turns into months, and then years. And now, now it's like, I didn't even lose myself because of the divorce. That person didn't cause me to lose myself. I lost myself because I stayed. And I created this new. I literally just posted a video about this today. This new emotional home. I created a new emotional Home. That is depression.

Because. Because. Because we can get comfortable in chaos. We can get comfortable in the negative.

Wow.

Especially if we'll, you know, again, every example can be different. Right. But yeah. If we come from a situation where toxicity was common.

Yeah.

And if we grew up in it and we learn to deal with the anxiety and the depression and the ups and downs in the circles, you know, and the toxic cycle of abusive relationships, even if it wasn't physical, it could be anything. It's the honeymoon stage. It's the tension. Eventually it blows up, but then we come back and we're good. You know, we get used to that being the way that we perceive love, for example.

Yeah.

And if we're not okay with ourselves, if we don't have enough of that self love or we even love ourselves. Wrong. Because our view of love is skewed for whatever legitimate reason it is. We will easily, without the proper guidance or awareness, will sit in our crap and we'll stay there and we'll say it's too much to deal. Every time that I try to think about this or process, the pain is too deep. And so I'm just going to remain here. And then we build our own emotional toxic, toxic cycle with ourselves.

Wow.

And those are the good days and the bad days. And then I'm going to go out drinking and then I come back and then work is stressful. And then I went on a date, but then I didn't do very well. But I don't know why I keep attracting, blah, blah, blah. But I had a good day. And then, you know, and we're not going anywhere.

Yeah. We're just done.

Yeah. And so we process. You know, it's kind of like what you were saying. Let's. Let's talk about how we feel, what's going on, and then let's make a plan. We have to finish the equation. Right. Not saying you don't do that. I'm just. What I would do is finish that with a plan. So I feel ashamed, I feel hurt. I'm so upset. Okay, what are we going to do with it? Okay. When I feel upset, I'm going to honor my emotion, understand what I'm going through, and then I'm going to allow myself, I don't know, 5, 10, 15 minutes to cry, to write, to whatever it is we're going to do. We take a pause. I'm not saying don't do that.

Yep.

Because you don't want to avoid.

Exactly.

But then we have to. Then in spite of the pain, we Take the next foot forward. Like if you were in physical therapy, you want to walk again or do you want to stay on crutches? Like, what are we doing? We want to stay in a wheelchair. You don't. Right?

Yeah.

So then we push forward, even if that. I call it a book that we all carry our book bag with some load in it, depending on what we're bringing with us. And that's usually our past. So, yeah, there was like a rock added to that book bag right now because of what you're going through. But we're going to sit down, we take a break, we drink water of our canteen, and then 15 minutes later, we get back up. And that means dry my tears at work and then go sit back at my computer, whatever that is. And we say, we're going to be okay and I'm going to go to my next task. We do a next physical action to move forward. When you repeat that 10, 20, 15 times, you know, when you do that enough. Creating a pattern now that starts to become the new habit.

Yup.

But if we lay in bed and we allow ourselves to then just stay in that remote location and idleness, that can also become the habit. Now I'm excluding major clinical depression. Okay. We're. If we're in a place where we are literally, like, not even being hygienic, then we need to go see a doctor, obviously. Like, if it's that bad.

That. That was me post divorce. Yeah, that was me post divorce. So I want to get to this question, Right. Because I obviously, you know, I have my opinions on it from. Based off of what I did and how I help people.

Yeah.

I want to hear from you specifically. How do you. How does somebody then change that? How do they go from being stuck constantly? Because there's probably people that are listening to this that maybe they felt stuck for years, right?

Yes.

Maybe months. And now they're listening to this and they're like, dude, like this. Like, they got a point, man. Like, I'm kind of doing this to myself. So what is the changing factor that gets them to move into action?

Well, first of all, if you have enough awareness and insight to see the fact that there's a problem, even if you don't know how. Okay. If you don't know how to solve it, which you probably don't, especially if you've been sitting in it for three years, your methods are not working. So it just. It's reality. Right. They're not working. So let's get better. We need to seek guidance. So if that's a coach, if that's therapy, depending on the pathology. Right. Depending on the severity, we need to seek guidance from someone else. You don't know how to do it on your own, and that's okay.

That's perfectly.

You know. Yeah, you do know. You don't want to stay there.

Yeah.

Nobody does anything all by themselves. Okay. Someone has to pick up a book, listen to a podcast, have a mentor, a teacher, a friend. It's okay. Men and women, it's okay to just reach out and say, guess what? I'm lost. I've been lost for the past three years. I need to get to it. Action. We need to take some level of action. Something.

Yeah.

Because if we don't start the snowball effect, then you're never going to get anywhere.

Yeah.

You know, and that's just. It just. You just got to take a little bit of action and tell yourself, really, do I want this? This what my life is gonna look like?

Yeah, that's really good.

Like, do I really want this for myself? Like, this is. Am I truly content where I'm at? Like, is this really it? Because if it is, like, you know, then just go do that. Like, that's awesome.

And stop being mad at the world.

That's it. Like, if you're cool in your bedroom, like, legit. Like, if you're cool, content, amazing, you can play Parcheesi in your bedroom, and you're amazing with it. Okay. And you watch Netflix and you eat popcorn and pizza, and that makes you happy and you are fulfilled and you feel like you have purpose, which normally we don't. If we're stuck because human beings don't thrive on isolation.

Yeah.

But if that was the case, then. Okay, but I'm pretty sure it isn't. Eventually, we long.

Yeah, there's. There's. There's somebody. I. I can imagine right now, there's somebody listening to this, and. And she or he is just like, yeah, I am good with that. Like, I. I really am good. But then they see, like, somebody else doing something, and then they start judging and critiquing and. Oh, all of a sudden, you're not so happy, content, and fulfilled that you got to get started judging other people now. It's.

Yeah. And I'm not talking about loners, people who truly enjoy time on their own. I'm not talking about that.

Yeah.

Because even those loners and people that enjoy time on their own, they find time to share. They're just not the Sherry type all the time.

Exactly. Exactly. That's so good. I think it was. I believe it was Jim. Jim Rohn, I think so. There's a Tony Robbins, like, mentor and also an incredible, like, motivational speaker and strategist. He said that there's one emotion that we can experience that can change everything, and that one emotion is discussed. And it's like, what you were saying, like, ask yourself the question. You know, I want to encourage anyone who's listening right now. If you're. If you feel miserable and you're not happy with where you're at, I don't want you to be not happy with where you're at. I want you to get disgusted with where you're at. I'm going to bring this back around to me because I was literally like, I kid you not. So I lost my business. Not because I lost my business in the divorce, but it's because of the emotional state that I was in. I was not in a good place. I'm telling you. I was like 245 pounds. Okay? Now I'm like, a solid 200, right? But I was 245 pounds, and I could not get out of bed is what I would say. It wasn't true because when I had to go use a restroom, I got out of bed, which means I can get out of bed. I'm just in my mind thinking, I just can't do it. I just can't. So I'm talking myself out of it constantly. I wouldn't brush my teeth. I wouldn't shower. I would literally wake up, turn on the TV, YouTube, and then that's it. All day, all day. And then I would. I would eat, order pizza. I would drink some beer, some whiskey. Right.

Did I describe you?

I was just doing. Literally, you see what I'm saying? And I remember I got up once. I'll never forget this moment. I got up once and I went to the restroom, no shirt on, and I just looked at myself, and I literally just thought to myself, what the hell, man? Like, this is. This is. This is disgusting. And it's not you. Like, I was like, this isn't me. And so that day, I didn't turn my life around. I brushed my teeth. It's all I did differently. That's all I did.

Wait, point taken. You started investing in yourself again.

Yes. And I created small patterns. That's why the whole business is 1%. Every. Everything, everything. The whole brand is 1. Conquer 1% every day. Stop trying to destroy, like, everything in one day. No one percent. Every single day. I brushed my teeth, then that started turning into, okay, I'm going to shower. So I brushed my teeth and I showered, and then I got back in the bed. Then it changed from just watching youtubers vlog and fish tanks is when I got really into fish tanks. Obviously I was depressed. Right. I had like four fish tanks at this point now. And so then I started saying, no, I'm going to end up. I'm going to put a sermon on. I'm going to listen to a sermon, just one sermon a day. And then I'll go back to watching all my stuff. It was just these 1% increments. And then I was like, I'm going to do 10 pushups on the side of my bed. And I did 10 pushups. I got back on the bed and I was winded. I was like, oh, what is going on here, boy? But it was when I got to the place of absolute disgust, not within myself of like, you're terrible. No, it was more of like, what's going on right now? This is not what I want. I don't want to accept this. I don't want to. I don't want to keep living this way. And I think that's exactly kind of what you were saying. Like, you kind of got to ask yourself sometimes, is this. Is this really what I want? Because it's your life. It's your house.

Yeah, 100%. And then if you're not, and if the answer is no, then what are we going to do about it? And to me, it's like, how long are you going to sit there? Like, how long are you not. Are you going to be uncomfortable?

Yeah.

Before, you know, time starts to tick.

Exactly. I remember I was running out of money. I had almost $400 in my bank account left. Almost $400. Thank goodness. I didn't have a house payment, anything like that, because I don't know how that would have turned out for me. But I remember investing it into meeting with someone. I remember investing it into a coach. And I remember I didn't have the money to pay. I did not have the money to pay. I drained my bank account. But after that one session, I felt so good that I went out and I made like fifteen hundred dollars the next week, like, making videos on my phone for gyms. Because I was like, this is who I am. I'm a hustler. It's like I. It's like I felt like myself again. It's like somebody helped me get out of here and I started feeling like myself and I gave myself the Permission to start moving. Well, guess where my next money went when I made a little bit more money. Back at it. Another coach back at it. Because we have to start moving. I love what you're saying. It's like, oh, look, even just brushing your teeth, you just started investing into yourself. Like, that's a massive victory. And I don't think we celebrate those things enough. Right. So I know we're getting close on time here and I really do want to honor your time and I also want to leave some time, some space open for the question and answer for everyone who's here for like the live experience right now. So what is a. What is one question that you wish I would have asked you, that I didn't ask you. And how would you have answered it?

You didn't. You didn't let me prepare for that one that was like, that's on the spot. We didn't go over this on the call, Frank.

If I, if I would have asked you the question, then I wouldn't be asking this question.

Oh, well, you asked me why I did. Why I do what I do. Or I think you asked me how I got started or how I figured that that's what I wanted to do. Yeah, but if I wish you could have. Well, you could have asked me what my. What's my purpose in. Yeah, what, like what's. Or have I discovered my purpose? Right. Because I think there are folks who do an ex work, but they don't really have a purpose. They just know they. They do what they do. And so how would you have answered that? Yeah, so my purpose is I have a few. But one of the main things is to make sure that anyone that I come in contact with. So it could be somebody I speak to at the grocery store, it could be a client. Doesn't matter. I want that person to be. To feel seen and heard. Like, this is a good spot. It's a non judgmental place right now. Our conversation in the line at Publix is a safe place emotionally. Right. I didn't grow up with that. And not that my parents did anything on purpose. I think they were going through their own things, but I didn't have that. And so wherever I can create emotional security and I can give someone the space, even if it's five minutes to feel like right now you can be exactly who you are no matter what. That's what I want to make sure I bring to people. And so I mean, when I do what I do as far as therapy and coaching, I have a. You know, that's my first thing. And then in addition to that, I want to make sure you understand that even if you're in pieces, those pieces can be glued back together. And yes, maybe you'll never be the exact same person again, but you can be a person again. You can be a self again, and we can rebuild that. We can get to the other part of the bridge. You know, you started here. Everything screwed up. Whatever. Let's get to the other side. There's life after trauma. There's, you know, you can live intentionally and purposefully, even after whatever you've been through. Like, life doesn't have to end or be, you know, done with because you went through this traumatic event.

Yeah. Wow. That's so beautiful. That's so beautiful that you just have a heart to, like, give that to people. Because I know that so many, every single human is just looking for that sometimes. Right? Sometimes that's just what we need to be able to finally, finally heal and start showing up as who God designed us to be, not as who pain has started designing us to be. So. And Margarita, thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming on here. It's been. It's been incredible. I know for a fact. Know for a fact. I'm going to have you back on. We're going to cover some other topics so we can help more people. Um, if you're listening to this on. On Spotify, YouTube, make sure that you follow, make sure you subscribe, send the episode to anyone that you feel is struggling right now and that could benefit from. And what we're going to do right now is we're going to go ahead in the show and we're going to jump straight into the open question and answer for, like, the live experience.