How to get closure after infidelity in marriage - Divorce coach

Hey, welcome back to the channel. This is coach Frank Ortega. And today we have an email where we're going to be addressing that this person can't really seem to let go and is really struggling to start building a life after this divorce. Right. And the person recognizes that they messed up. And there's probably a lot of people that are going to be able to relate to something like this. And I really want to hit in on some key points that I genuinely believe are going to help set you free. So the email starts off with, this was my fault. She was amazing, close to almost perfect. She loved me and my three kids more than her own life. And the first thing I would say is, obviously, you put this person up way too high on a pedestal because nobody is perfect. And when you put somebody up like that, you naturally begin to devalue yourself. And so you're always. You get stuck in that cycle of fear, feeling like you're not good enough for that person. And if you feel like you're not good enough for that person, you will show up as not good enough for that person. It says, I messed up. I treated her like crap. Never wanted to date her or spend a lot of time with her again. That's exactly how you're showing up right now. It was always an argument, and she only asked for a little bit of my time, and I didn't give that to her. I also cheated on her, and she forgave me over and over, no matter what I did, hoping and praying one day that I would change. So me knowing how much she loved me, I felt so secure that she wouldn't let go. You got very complacent. See, this is what happens a lot of times in relationships when we begin to get complacent in our own growth, when we're not investing into ourselves, we begin to get complacent in all other relationships in our lives. And the number one killer for anything in this world is complacency. I don't care if it's a business or relationship, it will kill it if you get complacent in it and you got complacent and refused to stop growing for that person because she said, hey, I got it in the bag. And courtship does not end when you commit, and it sure as hell doesn't end when you get married. Because if courtship ends, then the emotional connection begins to fizzle away. The next thing you know, the physical stuff starts to fizzle away. And now you're left with a roommate, you're left with a friend. That you don't really even talk too much because there's no connection there because you are being complacent and not making any effort. You have to begin by making an effort to put your, your best foot forward for yourself and then you'll be able to show up with your best foot forward for somebody else. But until you do that for you, you're going to start getting, you're going to keep getting the exact same results. It says, and I regretted everything that I've done because she ended up leaving or actually right here. And I was wrong. In other words, you were wrong because you thought she would never let you go. I was wrong. She left me a year ago and I haven't talked to her since. I have worked on myself and have changed much. Good for you. Good for you. To putting, for to put. To start beginning to put in the work and work on yourself. That's very key. And I've tried to reach out to her so she can give me closure. You don't need somebody to give you closure. You give yourself closure. That's the one thing that you have to understand. The fact that you believe that she needs to give you closure means that you are going to imprison yourself and you will never allow yourself to fully be free until this person gives you the closure that you're expecting. I don't know about you, but I don't want anybody to ever have the keys to my life. If that person never talks to you again, you need to find closure for yourself. It says that you just wanted her to give you closure and for her to see my change and how sorry I am. Here's the thing. The only person that you need to convince that you've genuinely changed is yourself. If you convince yourself that you have genuinely changed, you will start walking in fulfillment. You will start forgiving yourself, you will start loving yourself and you will start allowing yourself to move on and not need the approval of anybody to be able to get your life back on track. And what I'm noticing here is because you did cheat and you were terrible to this person, obviously they have the right, right to leave because love holds, holds them freely. It doesn't hold them on tight. You got to let them go. Right. It. Love says you can stay if you want to and you can leave if you want to, because love is a choice. And so what I'm hearing here is there seems to be a lot of underlying shame for what you've done. Which, I mean, I get it. That makes sense. I, I was a Cheater as well and takes a huge toll on you because you always think, I could have done better, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't, shouldn't, shouldn't, shouldn't. Well, you're here now and you've begun to do the work. And what I would say is the first thing that you need to do to be able to start breaking out of this pattern now and start to like forgive yourself and love yourself genuinely is you have to remember the mistakes. Because if you remember the mistakes, it will create wisdom so that you don't fall into the same mistakes. But you have to forget the shame that came attached with that mistake. If you can remember the mistake, you'll grow wiser. But if you hold onto the shame, you're just going to dig yourself deeper and deeper into this hole of self pity and not feeling like you're good enough. And you will never break out of it if you keep holding on to the shame. So you gotta let go of that shame. You got to learn to forgive yourself. Forgiveness shows your capacity to love. If you cannot forgive yourself, then you do not love yourself. If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love another human and vice versa. If you can't forgive another human, then that just shows your capacity to be able to, to love. And so I want to challenge you with that. Learn to forgive yourself. Release the pain, release the shame, but hold on to the mistakes, Remember them and have those make you better. Says I regret everything I've done. Sad to say, but I needed to lose her at that moment to open my eyes, that I needed to work on myself. I don't know why I had so much anger in me. Anger is never an actual emotion. Anger is rooted in, in sadness, shame or fear. So you got to figure out, was I, was I hurt, was I feeling sadness, was I feeling some sort of shame or was I feeling some sort of fear? And it was coming out as anger to cover that. And so once you address that, you can actually start working on the root issue there, which I think is key for anybody. I had so much anger in me and would take it out on her. I have no clue why I treated her the way I did when I knew I loved her. Well, it's, I mean, it's honestly pretty simple. The reason you treated her like that even though you knew you loved her is because you felt that you didn't deserve her. You felt that you didn't deserve her. And if you focus on man, I don't deserve this person, eventually you are going to create that Result, you're going to show up as a person that feels, I don't deserve this human. I don't deserve to be loved like this. And then you will get to a place where they end up not loving you, because that is the only thing that you've been focusing on and is, I don't deserve, I don't deserve, I don't deserve. And you are going to end up creating that. Let's see here. At the moment, I need to work on myself. I don't know why I had so much anger. Da da da da da. I knew I loved her, but I didn't know how to fix myself to give her back the love that she deserved. Once again, if you can learn to love yourself, you'll naturally be able to love another human. But if it has to start with you, it has to start with you. Every one of my clients, I tell them, you cannot love selflessly until you love yourself selfishly first. And then you can pour out of a full cup. But a lot of people right now, you see this time and time again, they're loving out of an empty cup. And so when they think, oh, man, I'm loving this person, I'm giving to this person, I'm investing into this person, what you're really doing is you're loving that person to take what you need. You're serving that person because it makes you fulfilled, because you feel sad. And if you do this for them, it'll make you feel better. And so in you walking out selflessly, you're actually loving selfishly. And so learn to love yourself. I really want to help you get over this. And so in order to get over this, the first thing that you got to do is you got to accept the reality of what it is right now. She left. You treated her like that. Take accountability for that. And after you take accountability for that, remember the mistakes. Forget the shame attached to those mistakes. You have number two. You have to find the blessing in this. I can, I can show you the blessing right now. If it wouldn't have been for this situation, then you would have never done the hard work to begin to work on yourself. That is a blessing of in, like, on its own right there. So focus on that blessing. Not only that, but it's also a blessing to know that there are humans out there that are willing to give you an opportunity after opportunity. And so don't take that for granted next time you. You run into that, right? The last thing I want you to do is view this as a challenge. The circumstances that you're in right now, your current reality, you gotta view it as a challenge. Our brain is naturally wired to overcome challenges, to create solutions for those. And so view this as a challenge, right? You're already working on yourself. You're already investing in yourself. So just keep focusing on that. How can I keep growing? How can I use this as fuel for my future instead of, instead of using it as chains to keep me captive to my past? You gotta be able to view it as a challenge. And if you view it as a challenge, you'll actually begin to rise up to the occasion. But if you just keep viewing it as something that's happening to you, you would just grow more and more in self loathing, in shame, and you're going to be on this vicious cycle. And next time you run into somebody that can love you, you're probably not even going to notice them or you're going to take them for granted again. I really hope that helps. If you need any personal help, feel free to go to my website, coachfrancortega.com book a one on one coaching call with me. I'd love to help you, give you some more insight and give you some homework on what to do step by step. And make sure you share this with a friend. If somebody's going through a similar situation, you think this would be helpful and subscribe to the channel. I got a lot more content coming. Thanks for tuning in.