how to get over a divorce for men
Francisco Javier Ortega outlines three steps for men after divorce: redirect hope from the past to growth, process emotions through journaling (they pass in 30 seconds if you let them), and use a thought-to-action model to catch patterns that drive harmful choices.
Chapters
At the end of the day, you're watching this video not because you just want to get over this divorce, but because you want to be a great father, because you want to be a great son, you want to be a great future husband, you want to be a great you in general. And this is what's going to happen if you are diligent in focusing on yourself and healing yourself. What's going to happen is you're. You are going to change the trajectory of your legacy. If you're watching this video, you've probably been through a divorce or you're in the middle of going through, through one, and you're just probably wondering, how the hell am I going to get past this? And I don't blame you. I was in that same place. There's a lot of videos out there, a lot of great content on how to get past a divorce, how to get past a breakup, heal all these great things. But what I've noticed that they all have in common is one thing. A lot of it is distractions. It's, hey, go to the gym because it's good for stress, which it is. But I know a lot of gym junkies that have been divorced that as soon as they leave the gym, they go right back home and guess what follows them? Their emotions, their thoughts, their pain, their hurt. And maybe you're in that same place. Maybe you go out and hang out with your friends and you come home just to feel lonely, just to feel like there's not that fulfillment in your life that you used to have because it was attached to this person, to this idea, and now all of a sudden, it's just vanished because of this divorce happening right now. And maybe you just feel abandoned right after you go out and you get your workout in and you relieve that stress for a little bit. You go home feeling good, you take a shower, you lay down in bed, and all you're left with is those thoughts, those memor, the pain, the agonizing grief that you are dealing with now because of this divorce. And I want to help you navigate those things. So the first thing that you need to do, number one, you've got to give up hope 100%. Now, the Bible does say that hope deferred makes the heart sick. Now, I know that sounds kind of bad at first glance, right? Give up hope. Because hope is really all we have. But really what we need to think about is not just giving up hope, but reattaching our hope. Because hope attaches itself to something, right? So you have to give up hope in that marriage, you have to give up hope in that person. You have to stop thinking, what if they change, right? What if this happens to work out all of those what if questions you've. You have to kill them. Because guess what? You cannot control that other person's actions. You cannot control for them to come back. And true love. True love does not hold on and cripple and imprison things, right? True love loves freely. If it wants to stay, it will. And if it doesn't, it's free to go. That is true love. So if you genuinely want to love the person that's divorcing you, or if you genuinely want to love yourself, the first thing you have to do is give up hope and attach that hope to something new. Attach that hope to the feeling that I will get better. Attach that hope to the feeling of I am going to grow as a person. Attach that hope to the feeling of your future, right? That I will have a successful marriage, I will have a family again, and I will have a thriving life and I will live a fulfilling life. Your hope will hold on to whatever it is that you attach it to. So it's up to you to choose what you want to put that hope in. And the first thing you have to do, you cannot move forward until you do this. This is one of the things that I tell my clients. If you keep holding on to hope, you could do all of these exercises and you will get nowhere. Six years down the line, you could be in a committed relationship with somebody else. But if there's still that little glimpse of hope for that other person, it's going to do you absolutely no good. And you might even end up ruining something great because you never let go of hope. Now, I know that first one's a little bit intense. The second one, if I'm being honest, it only gets a little bit more intense. But hey, if you're in the healing process, then it means that you're wanting to better yourself, which means it's not going to be easy, right? The second thing that I have a client do, and you absolutely have to do this is you have got to process your emotions. Here's something that's crazy, right? Emotions are only in the body. Scientifically, it's proven that emotions can only be in your body for 30 seconds. 30 seconds if we deal with them. But because we do not deal with them, they end up staying in our life for months and months and months and sometimes years. This. This is how trauma is built up. This is how limiting beliefs is built up. This is how walls go up. Because we still have emotions that we have just compacted in and we have not dealt with them. Right now in this culture, there's something very toxic where it says that men don't feel things. That is an absolute lie. That is bs. Weak men are the ones that hide the emotions. Why? Because the more that you store those emotions inside, the weaker you become. Have you ever met one of those guys that is just easily set off, right? They just. You say one thing and they blow up because they take everything personal, they make everything about themselves. They're easily offended. That is a person who has not dealt with their emotions. And so they're suppressing it and keeping all of that baggage in there that anything will set them up. That's a weak man. A strong man knows how to process their emotions. A strong man knows how to feel what they're feeling and deal with it in that moment. And if you can't deal with it in that moment, have some grace on yourself. Wait a couple days, wait one day, two days, however long you need. But at the end of the day, you have got to process these emotions. And this is one simple tool that I tell my clients that they need to do. All you need is a journal and a pen. That is all you need to process your emotions. Because this is what's going to happen. A lot of the times you're going to feel mad, right? You feel angry, you feel pissed. Maybe it's towards the baby mama, maybe it's towards your ex wife, maybe it's towards your job, anything like that. Anger is what we usually as men show and reflect immediately. But anger is not really what we're feeling. Underneath anger, there's three emotions. There's shame, there's fear, and there's sadness. So next time you get angry and you cool off, ask yourself, did that make me feel any type of shame? That situation make me feel sad in any way? Because what will happen is anger will display itself as these three things, right? So these are the three things that are rooted in anger. And once you get down to that emotion and that feeling, this is what I want to do. Whether you're feeling worthless, whether you're feeling incompetent, somebody made you feel that way. Nobody can make us feel these things. We are in control of those things. And this is going to be part of part three that I'm going to teach you. But when you write down whatever feeling it is that you're feeling, whether it's sad, anxious, all of these different Things. What I want you to do is go onto your journal, you're gonna write down, say you're feeling sad, you're gonna write down sad at the top of the journal. And then I want you to envision the person sad, the human sad, the personification of that emotion sad. And write whatever it is that you feel they want to write. Because as men we have this mental block that we need to destroy, which means we cannot open up what we're feeling. So to help you disconnect a little bit in the beginning, this is going to be a method what is sad feeling right now? And just start writing, writing, writing, writing. And just think about what would sad be feeling and what was sad feeling in those moments. And just write, write, write. And I guarantee you're probably going to have some tears that come out, you're probably going to get pretty emotional, you're probably going to not want to write anymore. But because of what you're feeling, or if you're doing it correctly, you're actually going to not want to stop writing. And what's going to happen is you're probably going to end up writing for five to ten minutes, is all I ask is five to ten minutes on this. And afterwards you are going to feel so light, you're going to feel so clear headed, you're going to feel like you're back into the driver's seat and your emotions aren't the things that are running you. This is something that the gym can't do for you, right? This is something that hanging out with your buddies can't do for you. This is something that having sex with a bunch of random women cannot do for you. This is one thing that is going to help you give, that's going to help put you back in the driver's seat of your life so that you can make the best decisions for you and for your family. Because guess what, man, at the end of the day, you're watching this video not because you just want to get over this divorce, but because you want to be a great father, because you want to be a great son, you want to be a great future husband, you want to be a great you in general. And this is what's going to happen. If you are diligent in focusing on yourself and healing yourself. What's going to happen is you're. You are going to change the trajectory of your legacy. Your sons are going to grow up to be men that know how to deal with their stuff and be in full control of their mind, body and their will. Doesn't that sound incredible? Having kids that just know who they are, what they carry, and how to dominate this world and not let anything in this world sway them. They cannot be that person unless you become that person first, dad. So this right here, it's not just for you. It's for your future. It's for your legacy. So if you've never wanted to talk about your emotions, if you've never wanted to write them down, I'm challenging you. Don't do it for you. Do it for your future and do it for your kids. Now, the third step that I want to go over with you, that's going to help you get over your divorce and honestly take control of your life back and get your confidence back, is going to be what I call the model. We're actually going to have to go over to a whiteboard so I can give you a visual representation of how this works and show you how to operate it in your everyday life. So the last tool that I want to share with you today is actually called the model. This is something else that I use with my clients as well. This is how you will take control over your mind again and generate the results that you want in your life, whether that be processing your divorce or whether that be in business, relationships, whatever it is, this model will Change your life 100% because it gives you back the control over your mind. What does this mean? Probably looks a little. A little weird to you. Just a bunch of letters. This stands for circumstance. This stands for thoughts, feelings, actions, and results. Because the circumstances that we face every single day, we go through so many different circumstances, they will always trigger a thought. And this is the only thing that we actually have control over. Because then the thought, what that'll do is it will actually create a feeling, and then that feeling will lead you to an action which will then create your result. And if you're watching this video right now, you probably want to change this, right? Maybe you're feeling depressed. Maybe you're not achieving your goals at work or in your business. Maybe you're lacking as a father, maybe you're lacking as a software son or just a friend, and you're wanting to change that, and you're sick and tired of feeling the way that you're feeling, and you want to change that result, but you cannot control the result. The only thing that you can control, and you have to accept this is your thoughts, period. Circumstances are neutral. It's something that happens that's outside of our being. If you get lied to, cheated on they divorce you. That is something that you had no say in, you had no control in, and you now have a chance to control the one thing that you can control, which is your thought. So you can have a good thought that is founded on having an abundance mindset, or you can have a negative thought which comes from a place of scarcity or fear. And those are all going to create different feelings and actions which will then lead to results, right? So for example, I was talking to one of my clients. His lady left because, so she says, because of money, right? That was the circumstance. Let's just put money as the circumstance. And this is how you're going to walk through it day by day. She left because of money. That triggered a thought in his mind, I'm not good enough, right? Which then triggered another thought of she wants somebody else that can take care of her. Which then created a feeling of insecurity and self doubt. By the way, a little pretext or a little context, this gentleman is actually trying to save his marriage, right? And so you'll see a little bit on why I kind of coached him in this area whenever he told me about it, which then that created this action, an action that you do not want to do as a man. 100% never do this. He asked her before, before signing divorce papers or anything like that. By the way, she's had the chance to sign these divorce papers and she hasn't yet, which tells you something. Because if she really wanted to be divorced immediately, she could do it right away. His action, Asking her if there was anybody else, He asked her if there was another guy. Now what did that result in? That resulted in nothing but conflict and created more distance in his relationship. Why? Because it all started with a thought the circumstance triggered. I'm not good enough, I have to make more money. She can just get somebody else that has more money. Someone's going to come, sweep her off her feet because they have more money. This was the thought pattern that happened, right? That created a feeling of insecurity and self doubt, which led him to the action of having to ask this woman, are you seeing someone else? Is there somebody else? In other words, questioning that woman's loyalty, in other words, questioning her intent. Not only that, but doing the opposite of what true love does, which is suffocating her, which then resulted in nothing but conflict and more distance. So now all the progress that this man has made with this woman to try and reconcile the marriage, he's lost a ton of it by simply not taking control of his thoughts. Now I Want to show you the opposite, right? Let's just say, let's take this first situation. Let's just take that. She said, hey, I'm leaving you because you don't make enough money right now. You could go one direction with this, which is probably the direction that I would go. If she told me she's leaving because of money, I'd say, okay, cool, bye, leave. I don't want someone like that in my life anyways. Right? Which then leads you to feeling relieved and then leads you to an action of moving on a lot quicker and being grateful and probably honestly feeling some sort of empathy towards that person because they're not completing themselves, which leads to a result of you actually being happy, motivated, and probably getting in a relationship way quicker than that person ever could. That's just how my thought pattern would have worked with that, which is a good thought pattern. Another good thought pattern could be, say, if you're trying to get her back, she said, money is for a thought pattern to just. Instead of saying, this is why she left, I'm not good enough, I have to try harder, is I know who I am and what I'm worth. If you have this thought pattern, you know for a fact that you can create money, you can create finances, and that you offer more than just cash flow to someone. You're more than just a provider, right? If you have that thought process, which then leads you to feeling confident, which is key to masculine energy. If you want to attract any woman, including your ex wife or your wife, leads you to being confident, to being motivated and happy because you know that you are enough, which then will lead to an action of honestly probably not caring that that's what she said, and just being there, present in those moments, right? If you're trying to win her back, just being present, being happy, and probably having fun with that person, which then would probably result in. Connection. This is what's going to change your life, guys. I'm telling you, if you're watching this video, this one thing will absolutely change your life. If you can take control of your thoughts. If you can always say, I know who I am and what I'm worth. If you can take every situation, for example, I've been in situations where the female has anxiety, for example, and there's certain things that they do that push against you. Now, if I was insecure, I would just be like, why are you pushing me away? Things of that nature. But I had to get to a place where my thoughts said, it's not about me. This is what that person is going through. If somebody cuts you off on the road, right? You could just blow up in rage or you could say, man, I don't know what that person is going through. They're probably going through a hard time, right? And as soon as you have that thought pattern, you now have empathy and it doesn't ruin your day and it starts creating the results in the life that you want. A woman wants to be with a man that knows who he is and knows what he wants and goes out and gets it. And if you want to create those results in your life, you got to stop trying to change the result and you got to change the thought pattern. So next time something happens, next time there's a circumstance, maybe somebody offends you, maybe a woman tells you off, maybe you ask out a girl if she wants to go on a date and then all of a sudden these thoughts start coming in. I want you to catch yourself in that moment and if you can't, then later on that night, I want you to recall those moments and just ask yourself, what was my thought pattern? Would that lead me to feel? And what result did it come in and how can I change it? And then in the journal, in your notebook, I want you to write the negative side and then I want you to write the good side. And then I want you just to really think about that good side and just envision it in your mind because that is going to begin to train your mind to create good abundance founded thought patterns instead of always moving in. Scarcity and fear. The reason why, if you're watching this and you're saying, man, I just want to get better, but I don't ever want to get married again. The reason you don't want to ever get married again, that's a scarcity mindset. It's a fear mindset. If you do this, I never want to get married again is your result and you walk it back. I guarantee you there is a thought, a negative thought pattern, a fearful thought pattern that is saying, what if she does this? What if this doesn't work out? What if this person cheats on, cheats on me? What if this person divorces me, right? This is going to help you get to a place where you can kill those thought patterns. Because this is where I want you to be men. I want you to get to a place and I want to help get you to the place where even if it didn't work out, even if that person did betray you, you're strong enough in yourself to heal and move forward Quicker than anybody else. You are going to be the best option that this woman ever has. We are all options. It doesn't matter what anybody else tells you, right? Everyone. You hear that term saying, don't be anybody's option. Well, the reality is you are an option, period. But be the best one. Be the best one. So much so that if they go to somebody else, it's actually a downgrade. But if you're not implementing these tools, you'll never get to that place because you'll continue operating in a scarcity mindset with limiting beliefs and, and always, always compacting those emotions deep down inside and get triggered by a woman. And a woman wants to be with somebody who's emotionally stable. You cannot be emotionally stable unless you put these three things that I put that I just gave you into action. And this is what's really going to help you get over your divorce. Now, you might be asking yourself, well, Frank, if you're telling me everything that you're going to help me out with, supposedly, then why do I need a coach? And honestly, that's a good question. And I'm not going to try and sell you on anything because I don't want you to ever feel manipulated or anything like that. But here's why I believe you need a coach. You are right here. You're in the position that you're in right now. You're probably hanging out with your friends, coming home and feeling lonely and not feeling fulfilled, and you hate your job. Maybe right now you're just kind of in that foggy mindset where you don't know exactly what direction to go. This is where you're at. You can use all of these tools and get to right here. But you alone, it's going to take you longer than if you have a coach. Now, why do I say that? I want you. Next time that you're in a room, I want you to look around and focus on who is the one person that you can't see in that room. That one person is yourself. The only way you can see yourself is if you go to a mirror. Right? A coach is your mirror. I want to be your mirror. I want you to show up in a meeting with me, and I want to be able to see exactly where you're at, what you're thinking, and catch those limiting beliefs that you can't see because we cannot see ourselves. We need other eyes looking in. And I want to help you pull you, help pull you out of those. I want to speed up that process. Something that could have that could take you one to two years. I know men that right now they're still trying to heal from the divorce and it's been six years. I got divorced two years ago and I was healthy in a year and it could have been faster had I gotten a coach sooner, right? So this is why I coach. And again, there's absolutely no pressure. You can put all these things into practice and I promise you they will help. Number one, you got to give up hope and you got to attach that hope to something that you are in control over. Something that is not that relationship and not that person releasing them and giving yourself the freedom to move on. Number two, you got to process your emotions. Make sure you get a notebook, write down what it is that you're feeling in that moment and begin to journal with that emotion. What journal? Remember, emotions can only be in your body for 30 seconds and if you leave them there longer than that, it will be detrimental to your life and it will make you a weak man. More beta than you are alpha. Number three, the model. This is how you're going to get control of your mind. Start taking control of your thoughts, create new thought patterns, journal about it at night. What caused me to think a certain way and what result did it bring me and what is the opposite of that? This is going to take work. That's why I'm not interested in working in anybody who's not willing to put in the work. But if you do want a free coaching, call with me to get things started and see if you are a good candidate, you and maybe I can offer you, make an offer for you so that we can work together. If it is a good fit, then go ahead and hit the the book a call button down below and I'd love to meet with you, hear your story, honestly give you tons of value on that call anyways and just have you in my prayers. If nothing works out from it, then I just want to have you in my prayers. But at the end of the day, if you are a good quality fit and we could work together, then I want to help you get over your divorce a lot faster and get you to build the legacy that you want to build and be the man that you want to build for your kids. Because this is bigger than us. This is about our legacy.
