How to heal from a relationship with a narcissist

Hate might ruin our enemies, but it's going to ruin you in the process as well. So are you willing to ruin yourself just so that you can ruin them, or are you ready to let go of anger and resentment and forgive them and forgive yourself so that you can move on and create the life that you want? Hey, welcome back to the channel. I'm coaching Frank. And if you're new to this channel, on this channel I specifically help you heal from divorce or a heartbreak. And today we are going to cover a very frequently brought up subject. And I want to hopefully give you some good tools to help you heal if you're coming out of a narcissistic relationship. Now, me personally, I hate that word because I feel like right now it's just being thrown around like crazy. Crazy. Like every ex is a narcissist. Like, it doesn't matter who the ex is. They were a narcissist because they hurt that person. Right? And that might be your experience and it might be true, but it might not be true. But if that's what you're believing, then it doesn't matter what anybody else says. They are a narcissist. And that's what you're experiencing now, narcissists, obviously, that is a real thing and people do suffer from it and from the abuse of narcissists. And, and I wanna, I'm gonna hit this in a different angle, okay? My job is to bring you a different perspective. And this is my perspective because really, really, what's keeping you stuck right now as far as this relationship with this ex narcissist is your thoughts. Your thoughts are really what's keeping you stuck. The way that you're thinking about it, what you're making that whole situation mean about you. And this is something that we're gonna cover in here. And, and so if I can help you change the way that you think about the situation, it'll change the way you feel about it and hopefully bring you some relief. Okay? So I'm not the type of person that likes to blame everything on other people. I think that as soon as we start taking responsibility, then we get our power back. Now, that doesn't mean that we're saying, hey, it's your fault that they acted this way towards you. But it, but it does mean that you saw some red flags and you probably ignored them. And, and had you not ignored them and addressed them, it probably wouldn't have led to the degree to where we are right now. But even then we can say that's really Hard with a narcissist, because they gas. They were gaslighting me the whole time. So even when I saw these things and I brought them up, they made me think that I was crazy. And now you're doubting yourself, your intuition, your gut, all of those things. So trust me, I have a lot of empathy for that. And if that's you, I'm so sorry. I really do hope that this helps. I hope that you don't let. That you don't try and let time do the healing, because time doesn't really do the healing. It's the work that you put in in that time that does the healing. And I hope that you apply everything that I tell you today. So first thing that I want you to do, if you are trying to heal from a relationship with a narcissist, is I want you to journal, but I want you to journal with intention. Everybody says you've got to write, you've got to write, you've got to journal. Yes, but I want you to journal with an intention. For example, why are you hurting so bad about this situation? So I want you to start journaling and saying, man, I just feel blank, because Blank. And then just start writing. Okay? The best way to get out of your head is to literally get out of your head. So get the words that are in your head onto paper. That's the best way to get out of your head. I know it sounds crazy simple, but it's true. Okay? So I want you to get out of your head. I am feeling blank because of blank. And. And keep writing about the specific situation. And then the second thing that I want you to do, first of all, you're gonna feel a lot of relief in there, and you're gonna feel a lot of emotions start to come up. Allow yourself to feel those emotions. Emotions were meant to be experienced, not suppressed. Okay? The second thing that I want you to do is I want you to look at that sheet of paper of everything you wrote down, and I want you to challenge it. Here's what we do. We accept the. What we hear and hear as truth. And the thing is, it's not, and it doesn't have to be true. And the wild thing is, everything that you just wrote down on that sheet of paper after you do that exercise is your thoughts. It's the way that you're thinking about the situation, and you're probably making it mean a lot about yourself, like you're not good enough, that you're not worthy, that you deserve this, that it's not Going to get back all those things, right? And so these thoughts aren't real, but they create a real genuine feeling within our bodies. So then we listen to them. Let me tell you something. Thoughts don't have to be real to create a feeling in your body. If you sat there right now, and this is gonna sound a little morbid, so I just wanna prepare you for it. But if you sat there right now and you started thinking about something terrible happening to somebody that you loved and, and you entertained it long enough, you would start to feel the emotions as if it was actually happening. But it's not. That is how powerful our thoughts are. And they don't have to be real. You can try it and you'll experience it. And then I can say this. I just proved to you that thoughts don't have to be real to create a real feeling. So just because you feel that way, don't accept it as truth. Challenge the thoughts that are on that page. Is this true? Yes or no. Challenge those things. More than likely they're not. This is where you get to begin to take your power back. I know that narcissist gaslit you, right? And they told you that, well, you're crazy. You're this and this and that. But once you see it on paper and you know what happened, guess what? You get to decide what was true and what wasn't true because. Because you experienced it. So make that decision for yourself. Challenge those thoughts. The third thing that I want you to do, I want you to flip the script on the story that you're telling yourself about that situation. More than likely it's probably something like, man, I was so stupid to stay in it for so long, right? I didn't love myself enough to get out. Which I hate that terminology because that's not true. It's not like you woke up one day and said, hey, I'm going to be so vindictive towards myself and get myself to stay in really bad situations so that I keep getting hurt. That's not what you did. You just in a bad emotional state. So you made bad decisions which reflect a lack of self love and self worth. But it doesn't mean that you don't love yourself, okay? So get that out of the way. So I want you to flip the script, change the narrative, change the story around this situation. Maybe the story is that you deserved it because you've done things in your life, right? Maybe the story is that this is what it's always going to be like because that's all you've seen in your life. If that's not what you want, don't accept it. Change the story. What do you want this situation to mean? Maybe this situation can mean that because you went through such a tough relationship with a narcissist, it actually is helping you explore more about yourself and learn more about yourself. And maybe it's making you more graceful and more merciful and more kind and more empathetic to people. Because at the end of the day, whether we like it or not, I'm gonna hit on this heavily. Narcissists are not bad people. I said it. They're not. They're hurt people who do bad things. Now, does that mean I'm justifying what they do? Absolutely not. But what I'm saying is that they are not bad people. They are hurt people that do bad things. Every single one of us has the capacity to do the exact same thing if we're hurting bad enough. Every single one of us. Okay? So as soon as you can start turning that story around, that man, this person, wasn't viciously trying to hurt me. Maybe they were just hurt, and that is what they were projecting. Now, I'm not saying that that's okay and I'm not justifying it, but I can see it in that way and make it mean that it has nothing to do with me. And it has everything to do with their lack of taking responsibility for their traumas and their pain and their hurt. That's a them problem, not a me problem. And when we start doing that, we start to kind of eliminate our suffering. Because anytime we suffer, it's because we're making it mean something about ourselves. So I'm giving you a lot here, okay? So change the narrative. Change the story. Do this on paper as well. Old the right story, and then write the old story and then write the new story that you want to create around the situation. This doesn't have to mean that you're never going to find somebody that you can't trust people. It doesn't have to create the belief that all men are the same, that all women are the same. It doesn't have to do that if you don't want to. But if you entertain those thoughts long enough, then that is going to be your experience, and that's going to be the reality that you're going to create. Okay? Number four, the last and final one that I want to give you to help you heal, genuinely heal from an abusive relationship with a narcissist is this. You've got to forgive. You've Got to forgive. First off, you've got to forgive yourself. Because until you learn how to forgive yourself, you won't be able to offer forgiveness to anybody else because you won't know how to do that. You need your own roadmap on what forgiveness looks like and how you can genuinely give it. And we are the hardest on ourselves. So if you can learn to forgive yourself, man, you can learn to forgive other people. And I want you to really work on this. Like, and I want you to know this. That doesn't mean that you're saying that what they did is okay. Because I know right now you probably have that reaction of like, why would I forgive this person? Like, what they did was wrong. I never said that what they did was right. I said that it's, you should forgive if you want to heal. Okay? Eddie Jaco, who is a Holocaust survivor, he wrote this book called the Happiest man on Earth. Now with his story, he should have written the book that life isn't fair because he was in the Holocaust. He had a terrible, terrible experience. But instead he wrote the book the Happiest man on Earth. And he said this, he said this quote, he said, hate might ruin our enemies, but it's going to ruin you in the process as well. So are you willing to ruin yourself just so that you can ruin them, or are you ready to let go of anger and resentment and forgive them and forgive yourself so that you can move on and create the life that you want so that you can be genuinely happy. Remember, forgiveness doesn't mean that you're justifying what they did. And it's not righting their wrongs and it's not allowing them back in. It's simply changing the way that you think about them and changing the way you think about the situation with yourself. I want to make a whole video on this because I think it's extremely powerful. And this is one of the things that I really, really work with my one on one clients is with forgiveness. Because forgiveness, we can do something. And then now we are an idiot and we're stupid and well, we deserve this. And that is who I am. But that's not who you are. If you're watching this and you have kids, if your kid makes a mistake, are they the mistake or did they just make a mistake? And now that mistake is an opportunity to learn to do better next time and to not do that same thing again. If that's your attitude towards your kid, why isn't that your attitude towards yourself? You made a mistake, so be it, learn from it. But that doesn't determine who you are. And these people are doing terrible things. I know they are. I'm not justifying what they're doing. But they're not terrible people. They're just hurting people that are doing terrible things. So I want you to really, really work on forgiving. And one of the best ways that I know to forgive somebody is, is to pray for that person. To pray for that person. Whatever it is that comes to your mind, just pray for that person. Because forgiveness, at the root of it, at the most simplest level, forgiveness is letting go of anger and resentment. And anger and resentment are feelings. Feelings are created by our thoughts. So the way that you think about them is the way that you feel about them. The way that you think about the situation is the way that you'll feel about the situation. So forgiveness is just this thinking differently about a person or about that situation. And there's nothing that helps you do that better than praying for that individual. And so I really hope that this helps you. I hope that it challenges you. That's why I'm here. I'm not just here to pat you on the back and say, hey, you know, I'm sorry this happened to you. Everything's going to be okay. I am here to do that. But I'm also here to challenge you and encourage you to do the deep work. And sometimes that means getting humble and letting go of our pride and our ego. Right? Because those things do not serve us whatsoever. So as soon as we can kill those things, the sooner we can experience freedom. That's it for this video. Hopefully it helped you. If you are more interested in working with me and my one on one program, then feel free to shoot me a message on Instagram. I also have a private support group which is phenomenal. It is only $7 and 77 cents a month. And so if you love what I'm doing here and you love the content, then jump on in there. It helps support me, help support everything that I'm doing for you. Uh, and then on top of that, you get exclusive content that helps you heal to the next level. And we're going to be doing a once a month group coaching call, please. Plus I have a guest speaker that comes in there specifically every single month. And so we have a great time and you get tons of support through the situation that you're going through.