How to love myself after a breakup or divorce. Self Love

How are you speaking to yourself? When you speak to yourself, do you feel more condemned or do you feel more liberated? Do you feel more loved? Hey, welcome back to the channel. I'm Coach Frank. And on this channel, I help you with all things post divorce and post breakup recovery. And today I want to hit on a subject that I think is so crucial for the recovery process. And I want to hit on a specific detail that I think we overlook that is costing us so much growth and so much freedom in a very rapid amount of time. There's a movement happening right now of self love and self care, and we've seen it everywhere. But what is happening is if your life, if your life is looking the same way that it looked before you started the self love journey, if the only difference is that there's less people around you, then you might feel like, I'm not experiencing the fulfillment that I want to experience. I'm still not at peace. I'm still not happy. I still don't feel free to be myself. And you're still kind of living in bondage, right? And so if that's where you're at, it might be because you're missing this one key ingredient. Okay? And I think with this one thing, if we start implementing it and being conscious of it and adding this to our self love journey, we. We're going to experience so much more freedom at a rapidly massive pace. Okay? Not only that, but you're actually going to see and experience a difference in your other relationships, whether that be your friendships, whether that be your family, or whether that be your new intimate relationship. I'm seeing this happen already in my client's life. I saw it happen in my life. And I hope that you apply this and you leave comments down below on how it's helping change your. Your life as well. Okay, so here's the thing. Self love. The first thing that I want you to capture about self love is that self love is not playing constant defense. It's not constantly guarding yourself. It's not constantly protecting yourself. Because if you're always playing defense, you can never play offense. This is what I mean by that. If, if your type of self love is that you are going to not let anyone in because you're afraid of getting hurt because you would rather choose certainty. Right? And you're saying that, you know, I want to keep my peace, you don't really have peace. It's more certainty dressed as peace. And so if you're more wanting to keep certainty than to go out there and give yourself the Chance to experience what you've always wanted. And what, let's be honest, we need as humans, we need other people, we need emotional connection, we need love, we need intimate relationships like we need that as humans. God designed us that way. And so if you are sacrificing your wants and your needs in order to get certainty dressed as peace in your life, then that might not be actual self love, okay? You might be protecting yourself and you might dress it up as self love because now, hey, nobody can hurt me because nobody can get close enough to hurt me. That's not love, okay? Self love would be giving you the, the opportunity to experience everything you've ever wanted to experience. There was, there was some point in your life where you wanted love, where you wanted to be with somebody, where you dreamt of having a happy family, where you dreamt of having those moments with somebody and being able to share that with somebody. And you've wanted that. And at some point you chose to abandon that because you would rather feel secure, you would rather feel certain that you're not going to get hurt, then risk getting hurt and experiencing that. That's not self love, man. That's self denial. You're denying the beautiful things in life because of potential pain. And I just want to say this, okay? Tony Robbins says this and it hit me heavily when he said it. It's the most fulfilling things on earth are on the other side of this four letter word. That four letter word is risk. You've got to be willing to take some risks to experience the thing that you want to deeply down experience. I know right now you're protecting yourself and I get it because you've been through some pain, you've been through some hard times. But don't let pain train you to flee from the things that you want, but let it train you to where you become so strong that regardless of what you go through and have to go through to get what you want, you go through it, right? Back in the day, whenever I was, when I was training Muay Thai constantly, I would train by getting kicked in the leg, right? It's like leg kick conditioning. I didn't do that so that I would not get hit. I did that so that I could get hit and keep moving forward. The same thing here, the pain that you've gone through, don't waste it by running away from life, by running away from potential pain which also could be potentially fulfilling, right? Don't run away from those things. Instead, use that pain to say, hey, you know what? I know that I can handle it. I know that I can go through this much and keep on going. So I'm willing to take the chance. I'm willing to take the risk. Because on the other side of that risk could be everything I've ever wanted. That is self love. So don't stop. Don't keep playing constant defense, protecting and guarding yourself constantly. I know there's a season for that. And I'm not trying to push you to overcome that and to just not validate your feelings that are leading you to do that. But at the same time, what is it that you want the most? Do you want to play it safe for the rest of your life or do you want to go out there and give yourself the wants and desires of your heart by risking it? That to me is self love. Now here's the thing. I want to hit on this very deep root. This is the one key ingredient of our own self love that I think will actually naturally allow us to step into offense and away from defense. If you start doing this, I genuinely do believe you're going to start playing offense way more than defense. And it's because I seen it happen in my life, I'm seeing it happen in my client's life that have started to apply this one very simple tool. Okay? Effective self self love. It only happens when the root is love, not accurate information. Now let me hit on this. The root of your self love should be love, not accurate information. What does that mean? Here's an example. You trusted somebody, they broke your trust. You want to get better self love, right? You want to grow from that. So you tell yourself, well, I was stupid, I was an idiot, I'm not doing that again. That is accurate information. I should not do that again. Probably, I probably shouldn't let somebody walk all over me like that, right? I probably shouldn't allow somebody to devalue me that way and speak to me in those ways. That is accurate information. But the way that you've communicated it shows that it is just accurate information. But it's not rooted out of love. It's not so much what we say, it's how we say it. Our internal dialogue has to be rooted in love, not accurate information. The devil has accurate information, right? How many times have you messed up and the devil hits you with accurate information? That is truth, but it's condemning to you and it doesn't help you and empower you and make you be better. I know for me personally, like there was a time in my life and still till this day, whenever I mess up where the devil starts trying to give me some accurate information, and he starts saying, hey, you know what the Bible says? He who the sun sets free is free indeed. That's accurate information. But the tone he uses it with is very condemning. It's almost like he's saying, if you really were the Sons, if you really were gods, you would be free and you wouldn't be struggling with this. So then, now, boom, I'm condemned. Boom. Now I'm experiencing shame. Now I'm experiencing guilt. Now I'm experiencing regret. And because I'm constantly experiencing that, I go through this rabbit hole of failure. I go through this rabbit hole of just betraying myself, my morals, my actual values, my beliefs. Right? Maybe you've caught yourself in this place and it's because your self, love, has been based off of accurate information and not out of love. Now this is what I really, really want to hit with, okay? Love always speaks with grace. How are you talking to yourself? How are you speaking to yourself? When you speak to yourself, do you feel more condemned or do you feel more liberated? Do you feel more loved? Okay, let me give you a very quick verse that's really going to help you with this. First Corinthians 13, 4, 8 says, Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails. Now, if we started listening to the voice that you're using to constantly talk to yourself, your self, love voice, the voice that you're using to push yourself forward. The voice that you're using to help you grow. The voice that that's happening in here that when you mess up, you try and turn that failure into a win. Does that voice sound patient? Does that voice sound kind? Does that voice sound proud or humble? Does that voice keep records of your wrongs? Because how you use that voice is going to determine your outcome. You can use that voice with accurate information. Hey, you shouldn't do this. You shouldn't have done that. You should have never. Or you can use it out of the root of love. And I'm going to give you some examples of what that could look like in your life. But at the end of the day, I want you to start asking yourself, what does my voice sound like? Am I genuinely loving myself or am I just being my number one Critic. Because there is a big difference. The Bible says in Psalms 147, verse 3, it says that he, God, he heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds, and he is the embodiment of love. In other words, love, pure love, heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. If you don't change the root of your language to be love, then you're not loving yourself. You're criticizing yourself constantly. You're condemning yourself constantly. You're beating yourself up constantly. You've been living with that same exact voice for years and years and years and years, and where has it gotten you? I think it's time to change the way that we talk to ourselves. If you change the way you talk to yourself, you'll change the way you talk to others. If you change the way you treat yourself, you'll change the way you treat others. Because you can't take people somewhere you haven't been. But when you've been there, done that, it becomes part of who you are, and boom, now it's an extension of who you are. So if you want to love people better, you've got to learn to love yourself better. If you want to talk to people better, got to learn how to talk to yourself better. Here's the thing. You're going to be around a lot of people for the rest of your life. Your parents, your family, your significant other that you eventually meet, right? Your kids. You're going to be around all these people for the rest of your life, but you're never going to spend more time with anybody than you are with yourself. So what's the voice that you're choosing to listen to, and what is it rooted out of? If you're trying to grow in this season, and if you're listening to this right now, it's because you are trying to grow in this season and you're looking for that growth. Are you listening to a voice that just brings nothing more than accurate information with a condemning tone? Or are you listening to a voice. Sorry, my throat. Or are you listening to a voice that's rooted out of love? Are you listening to a voice that is patient? Are you listening to a voice that is kind? Are you listening to a voice that keeps no wrongs? How would you talk to your child if they made a mistake and failed? If somebody screwed them over the way that you were screwed over, would you tell them that they're an idiot? Or would you tell them, hey, just learn from that. You did your best. It's not your fault that they treated you that way. So why, if you would talk to your child that way, will you not talk to yourself that way? One of my clients said something so beautiful. She started changing this tone, her own tone. She was always trying to grow, but it was such a, like, condemning voice, like, you've got to do better. You got this. You better grow. You. You shouldn't. You da, da, da, right? Constantly. And then she started changing the tone and it started changing into. It started coming from a root of love. She started loving herself, forgiving herself, keeping no records of wrong, being patient, being kind to herself. And what she realized is that started changing the relationship with some of the people in her family and some of her friendships and even in her being able to release her ex, it was because she started loving herself correctly. This is the single most important thing I believe that we can capture out of this journey of self love. Learn how to talk to yourself. If you talk to yourself with nothing more than accurate information, you're not going to grow the way that you want to. But if you begin to speak to yourself out of a root of love, out of a tone of love, and, and if you don't know what that sounds like, let me encourage you to go and read your Bible and read all the promises that God has for you, all the thoughts that God thinks about you, because those are nothing more than pure love. He loves you so much. And the best voice that you can use to talk to yourself is his. The best voice that you can listen to is his. So I don't know what kind of voice you're using right now, but if you're saying, hey man, it's time for a change, I want to challenge you to do the hardest thing that any human could ever do, and that's genuinely love and forgive themselves over and over and over again. And I'm telling you, life will get really good. If you're a man and you're listening to this right now and you're like, man, that's soft. Like, I don't roll that way, I don't talk that way. Well, look at where you are right now. Are you happy with where you are right now? Are you bitter? Are you resentful? Are you angry or are you patient? Are you kind? Are you giving? Are you selfless? Are you walking in abundance or are you walking in lack? If you're walking in lack and you're experiencing all those other things, but you want to experience abundance and patience and kindness and selflessness and joy and peace that transcends all understanding. If you don't experience those things. Then change the tone in how you talk to yourself. If you change the tone and how you talk to yourself, you. You might just change the outcomes way faster. Way faster than you could have imagined. Hopefully this helps you today. If you need help implementing any of this, then I highly encourage you to join one of my 1% coaching groups. I coach men and women. We meet twice a week and we do group coaching. And what we do is on Wednesdays we meet only the men. I meet exclusively with the men and then I'll meet exclusively with the women so that we can really dig into some stuff and open up and be a lot more vulnerable. And then Saturdays, it's all co ed, it's all of us together, which is awesome because you get to hear the stories of men, women, and then women you get to hear the stories of or. And then men, you get to hear the stories of ladies. And so you get to start breaking those beliefs that all men are the same, all women are the same, and that I'm never going to find someone and no one's ever going to fit that mold that I. That I want in a partner. Because you're going to start hearing the conversation of the opposite sex, talking about what they went through, what they're going through and what they're headed for and what they want. And it's going to start to resonate in you. And we can work through these things on those coaching sessions. So let me know. Send me a message on Instagram. Leave a comment down below if you want more of that information. I'll leave some information on the description down below and make sure that you subscribe to this channel because I want to upload as much content as I possibly can to help you in this healing journey after one of the hardest seasons in your life. Because. Because I truly do believe that just because you're going through hell doesn't mean you have to crawl through it. You can dance through it. Because life does happen on its terms, but it can be experienced on our terms.