How to save a marriage

Foreign.

So welcome back to the channel. Today we got a little bit of a different piece of content for you. I'm really excited to share this because it's a powerful, powerful story. I got my brother Jonathan with me. He's incredibly jacked, which is awesome.

That's not true.

But I. I love it because his story is just. It's a powerful story of genuine, genuine love. It's a great example of pretty much what I teach, which is real, real self love and self care is actually selfless more than it is selfish. So right now there's, like, you see this huge move right now, bro, of love yourself, and it's all about me, me, season, me, me, me.

Right?

Which there's truth to that. But it can get toxic, like, really, really quickly. And I think you're going to display, like, share some things that you experience to do to save your marriage. That was like you were taking care of yourself, but it was coming out of a selfless place as well. You see what I'm saying? Like, it overflowed into that. And so I hope you guys get a lot out of it. I hope this encourages you. I know I have so many followers that are on the brink of divorce, are thinking about divorce, and so many that are wanting to, like, save their marriage. And I know, dude, one of my buddies told me this once that his wife was like, wait, so Frank's a divorce coach? So does he teach people how to get divorced? That was like, no. No. So that's why now it's like, you know, I'm a divorce recovery coach is my expertise. But I want to eventually. I would love to eventually add on into my program how to before that happens, you know what I mean? Like, get a solution before you get to that point. And so I think this is just gonna be like, a good catalyst to start introducing that type of content to people. And I couldn't have thought of a better person to bring on bro than someone as vulnerable as you are, you know what I'm saying? And just as open and honest and willing to share your testimony and just of what God did in your life and your wife's in your family's life and where you guys are now. And so if you want to, brother, just go ahead and introduce yourself. Obviously, they know you're Jonathan and that you're jacked, but there's so much more to you. And then just kind of like, give us a little basic foundation of your story and then we'll jump straight in.

Awesome. Well, hey, thanks for having me on the show today. And, yeah, I'm truly humbled and to be here. Yes. I'm Jonathan. I like to work out. But seriously, taking my story back to the very beginning is kind of, you know, where. Where it got bad. Yeah. And I mean that by. We were in a kind of relationship where we were kind of living in the world and not. Not necessarily, like, living for the Lord. And so we kind of. We got pregnant right away, and then we got married, because that was the right thing to do.

You know, Know, y' all were young, right?

We were. We were 22, 23 years old. And so, yeah, Jessica got pregnant, and I was so immature, Like, I wasn't ready to be a dad. Yeah. And I had no idea how I was going to provide or anything. So we did. We. We jumped into it. We got a shotgun marriage, if you will. Found out she was pregnant in November and then decided December 2, we were married.

Dang.

And then December 16, I joined the Navy, and I was gone. So I went to boot camp, went to core school, which is. I was a Navy hospital corpsman for a number of years. And, yeah. When I came back, we moved to San Diego, our first duty station, and I came home to a wife and a son.

Yeah.

You know, and we were still figuring it out. Like, figuring out what does marriage mean? And how do you love one another and respect one another and give each other, you know, space when needed. Yeah. But, you know, fast forward a couple of years. We made that work, made it through that duty station, and then it was, hey, Navy's saying that you got to go overseas. Yeah. So you guys are going to Japan. And that was heavy because my wife's support system, all of her family, my support system and my family were all in California. Yeah. So we knew what it was. We knew what we signed up for. Really tried to find different ways to get out of that, but it didn't. It didn't. It didn't work out. And we ended up going to Japan, and that's where things got really tough because Jessica struggled with, you know, postpartum depression. I didn't add that. We had a second son while we were in San Diego. Okay. And so we had a nine month old and a. And a two and a half year old when we moved to Japan.

Geez, bro, Talk about a transition season.

Yeah, it was. It was difficult, but when I got there, I found myself, like, the way that I. That I dealt was I just went to work and did what I had to do, and. And Jessica was just really struggling. Yeah. At the time, and I was just oblivious to it. But, like, hey, you know what? She'll get over it. It's okay. We'll just keep pushing through. We'll keep doing what we've been doing and just, you know, faking it until we make it. How old were you at that time? I was probably 27. Seven. Okay.

I mean, that kind of makes sense. You still have that mindset of just, like, trying to figure it out. And at the same time, like. And I don't know what your upbringing was, but nobody really teaches you that.

No.

Nobody's like, hey, she's gonna go through a lot. This is how you show up, right? Yeah. I mean, like, only thing that I.

Was ever taught that I can remember is that you just gotta work hard. Yeah. You know, and take care of your family, which.

What does that mean?

Yeah. Just. Just work hard. So I. I took it as okay, I'm just gonna go to work and do. Do what I'm supposed to do, too. So. Yeah. Then. Then there was this. There was this awkward kind of transition period where Jessica, she kind of started her own business and got into becoming, like, the entrepreneurial spirit in. Within her really came alive. Yeah. And so she started a business and. And found success in that very quickly. And then, you know, she was always kind of like a. A health advocate. So she was always in the gym, always working out, and I think she discovered a passion for working out. We both shared that passion, but it was just on different playing fields.

Yeah.

And then she got, like, this person, Right. That came in and was. And was the, oh, he's my coach. He's gonna help me, and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, okay, well, I'm just gonna support her in here because she's thriving in this. Yeah. And, you know, it just. There were tons of signs, but I. I refused to. To accept them. You know, where it was like, hey, I'm going to the gym in the morning before you go to work, and then I'm gonna come home, and then I go back to the gym after you go to work, kind of, and I'm gonna go out and do my business, you know, meeting at some place on base, and then afterwards go out in town while I'm at home, you know, taking care of our kids. And, you know, would be late nights, like, super late night. Sometimes it would. It was just, like, very.

Yeah.

Unusual. Yeah.

And you were in Japan, so it's not like, hey, I'm gonna go hang out with the girls. Right?

Yeah. And. And still, to this day, I mean, most of the times it was, hey, I'm going out with the girls, or. But I don't know. Yeah. And I didn't know. So then I started getting suspicious, and then I became, like, really, you know, insecure and just felt like, man, if I just work harder, if I go to the gym and I just put in more time in the gym and I look better and, you know, became very self conscious of who I was. Yeah.

Here, try bringing the mic just a little bit closer to you.

Sure.

Yeah. There we go. There we go.

Yeah. And just knowing what my purpose was. And then, you know, fast forward a little bit longer. And then Jessica asked, you know, she wants to be separated. And I was like, just completely lost.

Just out of nowhere.

Just blindsided out of nowhere. Just, you know, first it was brought up. My friend thinks that we should just maybe separate and just give me some space and allow me to kind of figure things out. And I was in the mindset of, like, no, yeah, no, absolutely not.

And who the hell is your friend telling you this? Yeah. Like, what kind of friend is that?

Absolutely. And so I didn't have any control over who friends were and how she was making those decisions. But, yeah, we. We tried to do the marriage counseling on base, and that ended up being, like, a huge disaster because I thought that we were going to counseling for. To reconcile our marriage. Then at some point, the counselor was like, oh, I thought I was preparing you all for divorce. And I'm like, whoa. I don't. You know.

Yeah.

And that was really hard because Jessica wasn't really. She would show up to the counseling sessions, but she wouldn't show up. You know, she didn't speak, share mind, any of that info. So I was left there on the couch just, like, in tears, you know, and just a mess. Yeah. How do I fix this? How do I save this? And, you know, I just. I think at some point there, I. I needed help, and I realized that I wasn't getting it through whatever the military was providing through their marriage counseling.

Yeah.

That's not to say that they don't have great marriage counseling or that it just wasn't working for us.

Yeah.

So I reached out to a friend of mine who's a pastor in San Diego and just kind of shared what was going on. And I needed somebody to pray with me and somebody to kind of mentor me and guide me on what decisions and what steps that I needed to take in order to be able to save my marriage.

Yeah.

And, you know, the. The affair was Always deny, deny, deny, deny, deny. Until we move back to San Diego at the end of the, you know, the duty station, and I, you know, we move back, and right when we land in la, her parents are there and my parents are at the airport, and she basically, like, takes our kids and leaves with her parents, and I leave with my parents, and I'm just like, wow, we're really, like, this is really happening now we're physically separated.

Yeah.

You know, and it was. It was very difficult for me. I struggled a lot with, you know, anxiety and just, you know, it's a perfect, perfect opportunity for the devil to kind of come in and plant all those seeds of doubts and stupid lies. Lies. And you're not worth it. You're not worthy. Like, you know, so anyways, then we're physically separated. I find out, like, because she had left her social media logged in on my laptop, and this was wrong, so don't do this. But I was searching, you know, I wanted to know what was going on. And I found out that she was pregnant.

Wow.

Yeah. And talk about, like, that. That was my rock bottom. That was the hardest thing that I ever, you know, can think of that I experienced throughout the whole thing. Like, you know, the. The affair and the lying about it and whatever else was. It was all hard. But it was. When I found out that she was pregnant, I was like, no way. Yeah. It's, like, made all of those beliefs that I had and more just boom, you know, and so I told. I told Nick about it, my. My mentor, and he was like, what do you want to do? You know, like, you're justified if you. If divorce is, like, where you want to go and. And, you know, like, biblically, you're.

You're good.

You're good. But I wasn't. That's not where I was, and that's not what God was put on my heart. You know, I was like, I made a covenant before God to this woman, and she made one to me. And even though, you know, whatever happened, happened, I still want to fight for my marriage. Like, I still want, you know, to make this work.

Yeah.

So that's what I did. I just, you know, laced up the boots and got to work, man. Nick also was. Was telling me that, you know, he doesn't envy what I'm going through, obviously, and the things that he's going to ask of me are going to be the most difficult thing that he could, you know, think of. Think of. Yeah. He doesn't know if he could necessarily do it himself, but the Thought that kept resounding in my mind was, what does God want? You know, like, you're a Christian man. You, you believe in Jesus Christ? In the heart of Jesus.

Yeah.

You know, what, what would he. What would they want? Do they condemn my wife because of the actions that she took? Dang. You know, dang, bro. What have I done in my life that I should be condemned for, you know, that. That people don't know about? So it's like, how do you, how do you deal with that? You have to sit down and have those difficult conversations with yourself.

Yeah. And with him, and, and with him, you got to get real honest with him real quick.

Right. And I think just through that journey was where I really found how to, you know, process and deal. There's a, There's a quick story I want to share real quick about when I found out that she was pregnant. I got really, you know, I was at my parents house and upstairs in my room, I'm on the laptop and I see that and it was just like, almost like a panic attack, you know, where it's like you can't breathe and your heart's fluttering and you've got like this weird feeling in your stomach and just like your mind is racing. It was just insane. And I was, I had rage, you know, and then I had compassion and was just all the emotions. So I come downstairs and my dad, like, just sees it on me. He says, hey, what's, what's wrong?

Yeah.

And I was just like, I couldn't say anything. And he's like, jonathan, are you okay? Like, she's pregnant. And he's like, who's pregnant? I'm like, jessica, she's pregnant. And he's thinking, you know, y' all like, oh, that's, that's a good thing. And I'm like, it's. It's not mine. You know, the baby's not mine. And so I had to kind of. I don't, I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but I, I left, I went and got. Got in my truck and I drove up to the mountains and I'm pulled over in this, you know, turnout, and I'm just thinking of all the things going through all the emotions, and I really contemplating driving my truck off the cliff.

Yeah.

You know, and. And then, then I had like an argument with God and I'm like, what the hell? You know what?

Come on, man.

Like, you know, sometimes we think that when we talk to God, it's, it's all about, I love you. God. And please do this for me. And please do that for me.

You know, Glorious is your majestic righteousness. Like, all these words.

It's like, that's. That's not. That's not a real relationship.

Nope.

Like, discovering that real relationship and knowing that you can bring everything. Yeah. Before him, you know, And. And it was cool because he showed up, you know, And I was thinking to myself, okay, I'm gonna drive off this cliff right now. But I'm so mad, and I'm so hurt, and what can I. You know? I'm thinking, tomorrow's my son's birthday, and I've got to go spend time with her and the kids and act like I don't know. Yeah. You know, And.

Wow, man.

Dude, heavy.

Yeah, real heavy, bro.

I. I asked the Lord, I said, hey, God, like, I need a sign. I need you to show up right now. Like, I'm. Nick calls me. Hey. Just, you know, checking in on you or whatever. Or. He sent me a text message, and then I called him, and I'm, like, telling him everything that's going on. He's like, you need to come to church tomorrow down in San Diego. And I'm up in kind of the LA area. I'm like, I'm not coming. Tomorrow's Jaden's birthday, and we've got everything planned. And I. You know, I'm not coming. And he's like, you need to come to church tomorrow. I'll come up there and pick you up. I'll pay for gas or whatever. You just got to get here. So I just couldn't come up with any more excuses. Yeah. I'm like, okay, I'll come to church. So I came to. I got up early in the morning, not that I slept very well, if at all. And I drove down to San Diego, went to church. And then afterwards, he and a couple of men from the church prayed for me. Yeah. And just were like, you know, he encouraged me to show up and make the day about my son and not about Jessica at all. Just focus on him, you know, and it's his birthday. It's his day, so that's what I did. And the whole time, I'm looking at my wife in a bathing suit and just knowing that she's, you know, pregnant.

Yeah.

I'm just, like, broken.

Yeah.

But I did. I made the day about Jaden, and we did dinner and lunch and, you know, all the things. Then we went our separate ways at the end of the day. The next day or two days later, we met up to do Like a, you know, transfer of the kids in. And I talked with Nick again, and he's like, hey, man, you. You need to apologize to her.

You're like, are you serious, bro?

What? Apologize?

Yeah. I bet you so many men that are listening to this right now are like, what are you talking about? Apologize to her.

And. And the funny thing is, you know, you think about you in. In my. At least for me, my mindset was. That is so weak, you know? Like. Yeah.

Yeah, I can see that in the comments already. That's beta, right?

Yeah. You know, and it's like, dude, I had to really chew on that. Yeah. Because, you know, the meek will inherit the earth, you know, and I had to think about, like, what true strength and humility was in that moment. Right. And I had a. It's a choice.

Everything that we do, everything is a choice.

Everything's a choice. We can either we can choose to walk around with unforgiveness in our hearts and on our back, and it just weighs us down. It creates all of this cascade of everything.

Yep.

Or we can choose to walk in freedom, you know, and know that.

That.

It'S just all a distraction.

Yeah.

You know, from. From the one thing that. That. That I can think of, and it's just pointing me back to the Lord, and it's just like, hey, watch what I can do.

Yeah.

You know, like, trust me. When all trust is broken at this point. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, trust. That's the last thing I'm thinking about. Yeah. But it's a choice. So that next, you know, Sunday or whatever it was, I asked Jessica, hey, give me those earrings that she had on, you know, because I spent thousands of dollars for some diamond earrings. Like, can I get those earrings? Get that wedding ring and wedding band or whatever. You know, I'm thinking to myself, I am just gonna prepare myself. Like, I'm gonna, you know, sell this stuff and now have a little bit extra money. I can get my own place and blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

But then, like, the thought came back to me. Hey, you gotta ask. You gotta apologize to her.

Gosh, you just try and ignore it.

Like, that's not real.

Yeah, that's. That's Satan talking.

Get behind me. No, so I. So I did. I told Jessica, I said, hey, you know what? Like, I know. And she's like, you know what? I said, I know. And she's just, you know, kind of. She doesn't want to tell me. Obviously, I could. I get it. Yeah. You know, heavy to deliver. So anyway, she she goes, what, that I'm getting fat? I'm like.

Man, like, no.

Why?

You're getting fat? Yeah.

What's. What's the reason behind that? No, she. Then she.

She just broke down, man.

You know, and she was like, I'm so sorry. This is. You know, And I. And I just hugged her. You know, I just embraced her and told her that I love her, and then I'm sorry, you know, and that I forgive her. And, you know, we can figure this out. Obviously, her heart being, like, so hardened toward me and to a place where she was able to kind of step out of our marriage and have an affair. It's not like something that could be fixed, like, you know, overnight.

Exactly.

It was. It was a seed that was sown on that Sunday that, you know, grew into where we're at today. And that is, you know, I got a bonus daughter, Jordan Marie. She's.

She's beautiful, man.

Oh, man, I'm going to cry. I just. Bet I just baptized her this past weekend.

Come on, dude.

It was amazing.

Let's go, brother.

Wow. Waterworks. So, yeah, I. I have a beautiful little girl. She's six years old now, praise God. And, you know, that's where I learned that, hey, you got to come back. But the way your comeback story is not gonna be an overnight story. Mm. You know what I mean? It's. Yeah. Come back and build those foundational pillars.

Mm.

For your relationship. Yeah. Be your wife's friend. Help her. Have conversations with her. Talk about the things that suck. Talk about the. Her dreams. You know, where she. Where she wants to be and where she wants to go. Yeah. You know, pray for her. That was the. You know, the best advice that I received from Nick was just pray. It's funny how he said it, too. Just pray your guts out, man. You're gonna have to pray your guts out.

Yeah.

You know, and then obviously, and then there was all the tools along the way, but in. In a nutshell, that's. That's basically what I did. I just. I continue to pray for my wife, you know, became her friend. We still lived in separate houses, and, you know, I showed up, I'd go to work in the morning, you know, 5:30 in the morning.

Yeah.

Get off work at 4:00 in the afternoon, drive straight to her place, stay with her, do things with the kids, put the kids to bed, and then see if there's any way that I could help her. Yeah. Excuse me. While she was, you know, pregnant and, you know, just support her and every aspect of her pregnancy.

Yeah. And at this moment, if I remember correctly, at this moment, you were doing all of this with, like, no expectation of, I'm trying to win you back. It was just, I just want to be your friend.

Exactly. It was. It was, we. We're going to do this. We have kids together. We have children. We need to be. Be friends. You know, we need to be able to get along. And it was no expectation of reconciling the marriage. It was just okay. And it wasn't like I was, oh, well, my wife is, you know, she went out and did all this stuff or whatever, and now she's pregnant. Like, oh, I got a green light. I can go do me. You know, I could go, you did go do you, but not the healthy way. Exactly. I went and did me in this. In the aspect of. Of I built a relationship with the.

Lord that's so good, man.

And there's that. Right? There is a healthy relationship.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, getting better mentally, physically, emotionally, and just all those aspects of, I'm not going to choose to go and drink and be in the world and out partying and all these things. Just numbing, numbing, numbing and trying to get rid of and, you know, like, start new. But I did start new. Just the right way.

Yeah.

You know, at least a way that, I don't know, just brought satisfaction to me.

Yeah.

On a whole nother level, it was.

It's like. It's something that I talk about a lot, and it's that you can be experiencing pain and be going through hell, but be happy. It's kind of like that because I remember, like, just when I went through my thing, through my divorce, it was like, you know, which. I'm happy that Yalls didn't end in that. Right.

Right.

But when I was going through my painful season, it was painful, but I went into the Lord, Right. And I dove deep into that. And although it was painful and I was going through hell, I was happy. At the end of my prayer times, I was satisfied. And it was that weird feeling of like, dang, this sucks, dude. But you know what I mean? You're like, this really sucks, but, man, I know God's got me, and I can't see it. Right. But I know you got me. Right. And so it's that weird balance that we can experience. Right. I. I have this. This quote that Mike Tyson says, and he says that life happens on its terms. Right. We don't really have a choice in what life does to us. But I've added onto that and life happens on its terms, but we get to experience life on our terms.

Yeah.

It's the perspective that we choose. It's the choices that we make.

Right.

It's how do you want to experience the hell that you're going through? Because regardless, you're going to go through it.

Right?

So how do you want to go through it? You want to go bitter? You know, I mean, you want to go through it bitter or you want to go through it better?

Come on.

Like at the end of the day. And what I love about this story, man, it's like. And I don't even think you. I don't know if you. So I'm editing this video right now and the camera didn't capture the entire interview. So the rest of it is going to be audio only. It's still incredible. So if you're listening to this while you drive, at least now you can focus on the road. If you're doing something around the house, then just leave your headphones in and listen to the rest of the story because it is powerful. And I'm so sorry that the video cut off, but I really hope that it continues to Bless. You realized that you were doing it in this specific way, but you're doing it like the Lord. You were doing like Jesus loves the church, which is how God called us to love our wives.

Like, let me, let me pause you real quick. Real quick. The. I just discovered this recently. The verse says to love your wives as Christ loved the church. But the rest of the story says that we have to love ourselves.

Yeah, Right.

And so if we can, yes, hit on this love ourself, then we can love our wives as Christ loved the church. But we have to love ourselves first. If we don't love ourselves, if we're not helping ourselves. Like you mentioned earlier about true self.

Care and self love.

Right. Through an active humility and not so much as an act of selfishness. Selfishness. So selflessness rather than self selfishness. And. And I thought that, man, that was so powerful. I wish I would have, you know, that would have been a thing that I knew then. This is why I'm working on myself so that I can be able. But I was already doing it. Yes. I just didn't know the knowledge behind it. Yeah, it was.

It's so beautiful, man, because you were walking it out and then later on you're like, that's what I was doing.

Come on.

And I didn't know that I was doing it. Like that's, that's Powerful, bro. And I just love that because it's so true. Like, you can't give from an empty cup. And I saw somebody post today, Pastor Crystal Sparks. She said that the beginning of, like, a relationship with Christ and true salvation is receiving forgiveness and understanding that you're forgiven.

Right?

Because here's the thing, bro. If we go to Chihuahua, Mexico, like, my family can show us around there because they've been there. I've rarely been there. Right, right. If they come to Dallas, I'll show them all over Dallas because I've been here.

Right?

You can't take people somewhere you haven't been. So how can you forgive when you haven't learned to receive forgiveness? You don't know what that feels like, so you can't extend it. But what I'm hearing you say is that you dove into the relationship with the Lord. You started analyzing, what things have I done, man, and what things have he forgiven me for? And then you began to receive that out of a place of gratitude, like, dude, thank you. And then out of that overflow, you were able to. Not easily, right? Because it's not easy, but you were able to extend forgiveness.

Yes, 100%. That's. Wow. Obviously, he's. You're more, you know, able to unpack that in a way that people can understand, but 100%, dude, it.

It's just beautiful, man. And the fact that you. You took the pressure off of her, right? It's like, it's something that I teach my men. It's like, women are like birds and they want to be free or like, cats, right? Like, how many times do you see a cat owner chasing their cat around, boy, that thing jumping all over the house, right? But when the cat's ready to come back and cuddle, it comes back and cuddles, right? It has to be the cat's choice. It's the same thing with us. God doesn't hunt us down. He's always there, right? Always open, arms wide open. But he's like, hey, when. When you're ready. I'm not gonna pressure you.

I'm just.

You come. You come to me. And when you come to me, I'm running towards you, too. And that's what you did. Said, hey, I just want to be your friend, right? Pressure off. Don't worry about me trying to get back with you. Don't worry about this. Like, I just want to make sure you're good. And that was so pure. You know what I mean? And, like, I believe that's probably the reason why all of it happened is because, first of all, you loved her like Christ loved the church. You did it out of such a selfless place with no expectations, no strings attached, which is so hard to do, man. Right.

So many people have said that to me.

Right.

And how difficult and how hard it was. And even my mentor was like, hey, the things that I'm asking you to do, I couldn't do. Yeah. You know I'm saying. And. And it was a choice. And it was like, once I made that choice, I owned it.

Yeah.

You know, and. And I was just like. And I didn't care what the world thought about it.

Yeah.

Oh, how come your wife lives there and you live down here? How come. Oh, your wife had an affair? You know, whatever it was, it was just like, dude, I don't care what other people think.

She's noise.

It's just noise. And. And I'm gonna focus on what's really important. Being a dad to my kids, providing for my kids, you know, loving their mom, regardless.

Yeah.

You know, so one day when they look back and they see, you know, how. Or, you know, how did their dad handle that situation? And you talked about alpha and beta earlier and just kind of understanding, you know, people would think that because that's what the world would tell you, but really sit down and reflect on that. That's about the most Alpha thing you could do.

Literally, bro. That's the most G'd up thing you could possibly do.

Yeah. Yes.

100%.

What's. What's. What's weak in my mind is. Is taking that excuse to run. Yep. Yeah.

And to self pity and to harvest anger and to get nowhere in life and to start going around just sleeping with a bunch of women because now I can.

Right.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's like, that's what. That's what, like, right now in this culture, you have like that fake Alpha mindset, which is like, F them. Right. But that's not what it is. It's like a true Alpha goes into the hard stuff and owns it and takes control of what they can control. Right. And owns what they can control. You apologized for something that you did, regardless of what she did.

Yes.

Regardless. You were like, I'm gonna own my part, because I know. And. And in the moment, it probably didn't feel like, I know I messed up. I know you knew you messed up. But in that moment, you're like, I had a right. Right. Probably.

Yeah.

But that's. That's being a true. That's walking in True masculinity is saying, hey, you know what? Regardless of what they did, let me. Let me apologize and own what I did.

Right.

Because I'm just. I'm responsible for my side of the street, so I'm gonna clean my side up.

Right.

And I'm so sorry. I should not have done that and that, bro. Because somebody else would have just been like, you don't have to apologize, bro. You had every right to do that. It's an excuse that's weak, right?

Mm. Yeah, it's.

It's.

Looking for the easy route. Yep. It's. You know, I love the idea that life is just a whole, you know, bowl full of choices.

Yeah.

And. And there's so many different, you know, things that we go through every day that it's just like, man, just choose. I tell my kids this because they, you know, they can. They're boys, 11, and are almost 11 and 13, you know, and. And. And they fight and. Are you right? Brothers do that.

Yeah.

But I told them, like, man, you guys know, like, you don't have to be so. So angry toward one another or say mean things to each other. Like, you're best friends. You're always going to be best friends. Yeah. Because you're brothers, you know, and there's no bond that's stronger than that. Yep. And choose love. Like, whatever, dad. Like, choose love. Like, no, dude, but really, like, seriously, like, think about it. Think about if you were out and you got attacked by somebody and your brother's with you. What's gonna happen? Is your brother gonna say, I hate him. He got beat up. Yeah. No. Your brother's. Regardless if you're on the right or.

If you're wrong, jump in.

Your brother's jumping in. Yep. You know, exactly. And so. And that. That. Not to kind of derail where our conversation was going, but it's just more about choices and, you know, choosing love.

Yeah.

And watching what will happen. Yeah.

Because at the end of the day, that's what you chose, man. You chose love. And that's the purest thing that we can do. It's the most powerful force on Earth.

Yeah.

100%. There's. That's why babies that are born, if they're just left and they're not having physical contact with, like, the parents or any other human, they will perish.

Yeah.

It's because there's that lack of love. The soul literally needs love to live, and that's why the most powerful thing you can do is tell someone why you love them.

Come on.

That'll break chains, bro. I started doing this thing with. And I know we're getting a little bit off topic, but it's all stems around the same thing. Operating out of love. Right. With Jessica, you started operating out of love. Right, Right. With my parents, I've started operating out of a deep sense of love instead of. Because I've never had the relationship that I wanted with him. So I'm being intentional about creating it. How am I being intentional out of love? Just yesterday I called him and I just thank them for being my parents. I thank them for showing up year after year after year. I thank my dad specifically for getting up at 4:30 in the morning every day to go work. I thank my mom for conquering extremely difficult situations in the family just so that we could all be together and the example that they set. And I just thank them deeply. That's pure love, right, bro? It unleashed it, like, literally broke something in them. It brought healing to their heart. When you were loving your wife.

Yeah.

Purely with no, like, strings attached. It started healing her heart. And that's what brought y' all back together.

Amen. Yeah. And it was through the prayer and, and just kind of doing life, we thought, what's important to us if we're going to co parent and we're separated, whatever. What's important? Yeah. Like making sure that our kids are raised in a good church, you know. So we started going to church together at Separated, you know, and nobody knew our story. Yeah, nobody, you know, is just, we're going to church and we're going to show up. And, and through showing up and through that obedience, like, the Lord showed up.

Yeah.

And he broke so much off of, you know, Jessica and myself to a point where, you know, through, through, through going to church, we, you know, we were both, we. We learned about unforgiveness and, you know, not just between each other, but in every aspect. And I like what you brought up about your, your parents because I was able to, you know, have the conversation with my dad where I was like, hey, I forgive you, you know, and it was, it. It's so crazy because the relationship that he and I have now is night and day, night and day between what? And it was all because I was carrying the unforgiveness, the resentment, whatever for. Even though he was doing all the things, he was going to work every day, he was always present, he always provided all the things. And then, you know, there might have been one or two or whatever situations when I was a child where, you know, he, he didn't give me that affection. Yeah. You know, or was more of a authoritative figure rather than like a loving, caring kind of embrace you. He was my stepdad.

Yeah.

You know, and he raised me since I was a couple months old, but he loved me. Yeah. You know, and now he'll call me, he'll shoot me a text, hey, how are you guys doing? I love you guys. You know, I'm like, what? Who is this? And it all. And it got unlocked by, you know, choosing love and dealing with the unforgiveness.

Yes, bro. That's so powerful, man. I love that because it's. Now it's like a trend in your life.

Absolutely.

Cascade effect. Yes.

Just all of the areas where. Where you know, you're lacking or you. You give honor, what honors do, and you choose love honestly. Like, you go through hard times, Right. The word says to protect your heart for when hard times come. Because when they come, they're gonna come.

Yeah.

How do you deal with that adversity? What do you. What are you choosing? It's all a choice. We gotta choose love.

I love that, bro. I love that there's something that I. That I teach, and it's. It's one of our habits, and it's our habit of focus. And we all have it as humans. And we either focus on what's going wrong, we focus on what's missing, we focus on what we can control, or we focus on what's going right. We focus on what we have, and we focus on what we can control. We have a choice in that matter.

Yeah.

What I'm hearing you say, bro, is that in this situation, you started focusing on what you can control, not what you can't control. You started focusing on what I do have. Current relationship with my wife, with the kids, friendship. Right, Right. And then you just started focusing on what could go right. That was it. Your focus shifted from, oh, God, this is going to happen. This is going to go. And it doesn't mean that those thoughts didn't creep.

Right.

But it's not what you locked in on. You know what I'm saying? And that changes the outcome. Every single person that has ever worked with me or met with me knows this broke. Your thoughts create your feelings. Those feelings, how you feel, dictate the way that you show up, and that dictates your results. And all you did, all you did, you changed your focus, you changed the way you thought about things. So you felt different, you showed up different, Got a way different result than what most people are getting nowadays.

Amen. 100%. Don't be conformed to the ways of this world or what people think you should do or act like, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Yes. And it's choosing those thoughts. How can I. The things that I can control. That's what I'm going to focus on. Yeah.

Yeah, bro. I love that, man. Bro, do you have an encouraging word for anyone that might be going? Because if they're listening to this.

Yeah.

It's probably because they're going through something that you went through.

Yeah.

Do you have some encouraging words that you would love to leave with those people listening right now?

Yeah, absolutely. I would just encourage you to get into the Word because it's going to unlock so much for you. Don't go to church and just have an expectation of, you know, somebody's going to preach to you and, and it's all going to be for you or about you. Because it's not. What you need to do is get into the Word because the Word is alive.

Yeah.

And it's constantly evolving and it, and it, you know, it will unlock things for you and it will bring you freedom. Kind of discover what, what unforgiveness you may have and begin to work on that, work through that and know that you always have hope. You can, you can literally overcome this. This isn't. This isn't your. Your end. All. Be all. This isn't the end of your story. There's hope. And if you want to chat, message me on Instagram jwilt03 or you can find me on Facebook.

Yeah, Jonathan, I'm tag you on everything. Okay. I'm gonna tag you on everything too, bro. So that they want to get in contact with you. They can, man.

I'll share like the resources that, that I use to like some of the books that I read and yeah. You know, just how I got to where we are.

Yeah. Yeah, man. Because it's awesome seeing you guys like just posting about each other and seeing Yalls family and where you guys are at now. And it's incredible because you went to the best coach ever. You went to God.

Amen.

You went to God, bro.

And he.

He coached you through it like in the most. The way that most people would be like, that's not right. You shouldn't do that. You know what I mean? But I mean, for anyone that's listening to this, I know there's probably going to be a couple of gentlemen listening to this that are currently working with me. And to these gentlemen, I've told them to do the exact same thing that you did, honestly. Because I'm like, I know. It's called in my line of work, like, the psychology side of everything. It's called breaking the pattern. So you broke the pattern. You started showing up differently with yourself, right? So then you started showing up differently with her. So then she got a different perspective, was like, well, what is this?

Right.

Which builds curiosity and makes them want to know a little bit more. I mean, it's very practical, this. And it brings you back, like, to almost, like, back down to earth. It's like, oh, wow, now we're out of that cycle. We're out of that rut, because I broke the pattern. And that's something that you did by showing up differently. And so, to those men that are listening to this right now, I want you to be encouraged by this story, because I know what your goal is. Your goal is to save this marriage.

And.

And this is going to be so encouraging for you. And if you begin to apply everything that Jonathan said, which really is just operate out of love, man, and operate out of forgiveness, then I think you're going to be pretty satisfied with where you end up.