How to start dating after a divorce

Hey, welcome back to the channel. Today, a little bit of a different setup. I'm obviously on vacation right now, but I took some time and met with Veronica Colon, very specific on how to pronounce her name. And we did a whole video for you specifically on dating after a divorce. And so it's an incredible, incredible conversation with lots of great tips that are going to genuinely help you if you actually apply them, if you've been through a divorce and you're looking to start dating again. And so check this out. Drop some love down in the comments for Ronica. Go ahead and give her a nice follow and I hope that it blesses you. Check out this view, by the way. How beautiful. I wish Texas had palm trees. Let's talk dating after divorce. Okay, first of all, thank you so much for joining me, guys. Anybody, if you don't know who Veronica is, I'm going to plug her IG stuff. She wrote a book. She is going to tell us probably a little bit about that book here in a little bit. But she is a life coach that specializes with helping you get to your dreams and goals after a divorce, which is pretty awesome because if you followed me for any amount of time, then you know that I preach about how that is one of the final healing stages and that is designing a life that is just so incredible that it makes your past life just makes it look that fun, right? It makes this just look so much better. And that's one of the things that I've specifically done with my life and it really has helped me because it helped change my internal blueprint of this is what life is supposed to be like. And it's not like that. So now I'm depressed. Instead, I changed it to I want life to look this way and I'm going to take proactive steps to get there. And. And then all of a sudden you're like, whoa. Confidence, self esteem starts coming back. You start noticing there's a whole another side to life and you realize there was. So, Veronica, just to get us started, why don't you just tell anyone who's listening right now kind of what got you into what you do specifically and what is your book about? Because it looks like it's a cooking book, but I know it's not.

So my daughter actually calls it the cookie book, which is hilarious. So what got me into this? So I have been a life coach for over like 10 years now. I was specifically a business life coach for a really long time, helping people start businesses, goal setting and really figure out like how they can affect the market that they want to be in. And after I went through my own divorce, I pivoted because I realized that there's a ton of books out there about divorce, about getting through a divorce, about recovering after a divorce, about thinking about getting a divorce. And I found nothing about navigating the middle of it. And as somebody, of course, who's also been divorced, you understand that the middle is the messiest part of it because you have so many emotions. You're up, you're down, you're all over the place. And I feel like society doesn't do a very good job in helping you navigate the emotions and, and normalizing the feelings because they are normal. It is normal to be super excited one day that your marriage is going to work and the next day you know you are like, it's never going to work. You know, like, it's like the roller coaster ride of it. And so I wrote Half Baked Love Navigating the messy middle of divorce. And there's a cookie on there because bless my heart, I all I ate was frickin chocolate chip cookies and put on this lovely £20. And I was, listen, this is going to be so hilarious. But the divorce diet that everybody talks about, I didn't get to experience that. I ate too many cookies. I didn't lose any weight, I gained all of it. I was very upset about that. But yeah, that's what the book's about, pretty much navigating that. And so in working with clients, I only do female clients. I help them. What you were saying, the last part of re establishing their lives, like becoming the best version of themselves. Like, what does that woman look like? How do we get you there? How do you see her? How does she act? How does she think? What does she do with her life? And really just analyzing like the different areas of satisfaction in everyone's life because we all have them. It's like family, friends, church, recreation, your lifestyle, your career path. Are you happy with what you do as a job or do you just do it for money? I'm just a firm believer that when you do things for money, you're never going to be happy. When you do things out of service, you'll feel more fulfilled even if you don't have, you know, the amount that you want, you know.

Yes, that's very true, that's very true. And honestly, like, I just want to speak this to, to you, like directly. Like I believe God's gonna bless you because of that. Because the Bible says that the world of the generous gets larger and larger and. Sorry that there's a man walking behind me with a cart. Everybody, I'm at a hotel. Uh, so as you guys could tell, I have no shame of where I film my content. Um, I gotta, gotta do where I can, right? But I think that's gonna bless you with that because people can tell, man. People can tell what's, what's real and what's not real. And. Well, this is, this is a good segue, this good segue into what we're gonna talk about. Um, you know, people are always like, oh, I like your vibe, or I like your energy, or I don't like your vibe and I don't like their energy. Right? And that's because people can tell when you're being authentic and people can tell when you're actually trying to use them.

Right.

Like, it comes off. To me, I say it's like discerning of spirits because I am a Christian, I am more spiritual. I am not energetic. I guess you could say I'm not all about. I'm not all about the energies. I go, I connect straight to the source, which is the creator of the energies, right? And so I'm like, I think it's spirits. It's like, you know, people can sense that you have a, a genuine spirit, that you have a selfless spirit. They have a compassionate spirit. And so in, in the world of dating, what was your experience like whenever you started dating again after divorce? And what are some tips that you can give somebody for if they do identify somebody who, like, they're not really, quote, unquote, vibing with, for lack of better words, and so that people in this current society that use that language know what I'm talking about, right? Yeah. So how did you handle those? And what tips would you give? And then I'm also going to jump on in on this as well.

Okay? So first of all, I think everything in life is about perspective. And dating after divorce is terrifying, right? Because you have to make yourself vulnerable again. You got to open up, you got to be available to meet new people. But all of that starts here. So before you go on your bumbles or your tinders or wherever you're planning on meeting these people, you really have to get the mentality of like, okay, if you are not mentally available to open up to somebody, and I'm not saying you give people 100% of yourself because that's not smart. Okay? But if you're not available to at least open up and have some real, like, heart to heart, Conversations. Be vulnerable with somebody you're not ready to date. So don't even waste your time. Hurt yourself and you're going to hurt somebody else. And you're still responsible for the pain you cause others. So don't date. When I started dating again after divorce, I will say the vibe thing, that it's an energy thing. I think the first thing you really need to do is evaluate what you're looking for. And I think a lot of people. This is my dog.

It's okay. It's okay. Genesis always interrupts my ig lives, so it's all good.

So, I mean, I have to let him out because he's just going to keep barking.

Just go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Go tired and don't cry. Okay. Sorry, guys. This is real life. At least it's not my toddler, right? She'll be here soon. Okay, so what was I saying?

You're not ready. You're not ready. If you're not ready to open up a little bit.

Yeah, you're not ready. So I started off when I. When I did actually start dating again. And I did not date a lot of people. I'm gonna be honest about that. I. It's not that I had a checklist because I think that sets you up for disappointment too, you know, because nobody's gonna fit everything, you know, and you got it. And you also have to be open, you know, like, what if your checklist is actually not what God has for you? You know, it's like your version of what you want. So I didn't have a checklist. I had qualities that I was looking for that were very important to me. I honor or, like, I have a high value for, like, just honesty. I want it brutal. I want it raw. Like, don't nothing to me. Like, I just want it all with the honesty. And so I look for people who are honest, who are honest with themselves. Because self awareness is something you can't teach people really can't. It's like, you have it or you don't. You develop it or you don't. And so I need somebody who's self aware because, like, I'm an extremely self aware person after years of. I've done therapy, I've done counseling, I've done all the things for years. And of course, my degrees in psychology with a concentration in life coaching. And it's family and divorce counseling, which is hilarious. This is my actual life. Watch. Yeah. Don't look for the checklist. Don't look for the checklist. Identify qualities that are important to you that are really high, high value to you. And look for those people. And the other thing is, which I think you said this in one of your videos, but it's the law of attraction. Like you attract exactly what you are in the moment. So if you're not healed, if you have a lot of issues going on, you're attracting the same kind of wounds back to you because that's the. So instead of establishing connections that are genuinely more based on moving forward with your life, you're attracting the same kind of wound which is going to keep you stuck. So you got that because you can stay stuck. You may think, oh my God, but we get along so well and like, you know, like we resonate so deeply. And it's like, yeah, because you're sharing the same wound.

Yeah.

Yes, that's one of them. What else?

Yeah, no, that's really good. I want to hit on that real quick because a couple things. So like the checklist, I want to be very clear. Everybody. She's still talking about designing a person and going after a person and focusing after attributes. She's just, she's just not doing it in a way that most people do it, which is like, he's got to be 6 foot tall. He's got to be blonde hair, blue eyes. Like, no, she's actually, she's checklisting qualities things that she wants to see. And that's what I, that's exactly what I tell my clients to do. I'm like, who would your ideal partner be and what are your four non negotiables? I'm talking about anything else is negotiable before of these things are not negotiable. And they have to carry these things. Right? And I'm sure you saw my story. I put some of mine. They got to be baptized by the Holy Spirit, you know what I mean? They've got to love Jesus more than they love themselves and they've got to serve the church. The reason I pick all those things is because those things produce empathy. Those things produce self awareness when somebody is genuinely walking in them. And, and I can tell now, like, I could just tell, right? And so I love that because you're looking, you're. You're creating a list and you're creating a different list, man. It's not. He has to have this. He has to this. No, it's, it's. I want this person to be like this and I want this person to be like. And that's what I have my clients do. And then I Tell them. I'm like, now you have to become that list.

Right?

Because the people don't realize this after they get divorced or they go through a big or heartbreak. But what ends up happening is the quality of you that you show up as is the bait that you're using to lure the fish that you catch. So if you don't like the fish that you're catching, change the bait.

I saw that when you posted.

Yeah, we have to do that. And I think so many of us don't recognize that. And that's why we're like, well, I just. Why do I keep attracting all these toxic people? And I had one lady literally booked a call with me and they said, like, you know, what do you need clarity on whatever? And she said, why do I keep attracting toxic relationships? And she left, signing up to work with me because she realized, oh, wow, I'm the common denominator. There's things that I need to work through that have been bringing those types of people in and keeping them there and now completely different place. Right? So I think that is huge. Taking actual time to heal, to become like the person that, you know. Like, this is the person that I would want to be with. Like, if you. If you don't want to be with you, why would anybody else want to be with you? That's not fair. That's not fair. The big old double standard, right? And also getting clear on what's the qualities that you actually want in a person. Okay? So I think about it this way. The best employers, not even the best employers, even crappy employers, right? They put out a, hey, we're hiring.

Right?

And then they put out what?

Quality. Position and quality.

Yeah, qualification. Hey, we're hiring. But you need to have at least these things to be able to even be interviewed, right? And some of us are running our relationships like the, you know. Pardon. Pardon. Because I have no other way to say it. Like, the crappiest businesses in the world. We're just saying we're hiring.

Everyone comes.

That's it. That's it. Who can I swipe right on? Right now it's like. It's like, you should be hiring, but you should have requirements for that position because, hey, this position needs to be filled with somebody that checks these markers off, right? And again, it's. It's stuff that they bring to the table. It's not appearance and material stuff.

Right.

If you're still making a checklist based off of that, good luck. Have some fun when you grow up in your. Yeah, I'm like when you grow up and you're not 13 years old anymore, maybe you're going to have a fighting chance at having something special because that's not what it's all about. So that's awesome, dude. I really, really, really like that. What's the second piece of advice or an experience maybe that you just learned from when you were dating? After divorce.

I would say this works probably for both genders. But don't be afraid to walk away. Listen to me, this is a big thing, especially after divorce, because you have that feel like, like I should have given them longer or whatever. And, you know, I really feel like, you know, to your point, the Holy Spirit, like, really does guide you. If you have a gut check, man, you don't own people explanations. You don't have to sit there and explain why this is not going to work. You can be like, you know what? Sorry, you know, I don't believe in ghosting people. I think that's really immature, you know, like adult, like, have a conversation, be like, hey, you know what? It just doesn't really align with, you know, where I'm going with my life, you know, whatever, wish you the best luck, move on. But there's a lot of people that they really are afraid to be like, oh, well, what if I don't find anybody else? And I got to tell you, like, that mentality is actually what's keeping you from finding somebody else. Because you're so afraid that it's not going to happen, that you're like, and you're holding on to stuff that's not for you. And when you hold on to things that are not for you, you don't get the things that are. So you have to be able to say no. You have to be able to be like, this is not going to work out, you know, and again, going back to the point that nobody's perfect, okay? So nobody's going to hit 100% of what you want. But that self aware piece and people that are willing to learn and grow and evolve, those are the people you need to attach to and like, make better relationships with. I don't agree with, like, oh, I'm dating you. And then like, you know, next week we're exclusive. I don't believe in it. Okay, Build the friendship out first because I'm going to tell you, like, looking back now, I feel like the biggest mistake and the reason why I got divorced was because fundamentally we were never friends, like, at all. We don't like the same things at all. Like, you know, we're completely different people. But. And normal people, like normal relationships have different things. But they do have a lot of common things. And the common things, the commonalities are the things that are foundational to good relationships. You know, like, do you believe the same things? You know, and not just, oh, he's a Christian, I'm a Christian. It really does go a lot deeper than. It's not this. Like, okay, we both got a charge. Like we must be great for each other. Not true, not true. Have they worked on their issues? So there's a lot of things you got to look out for, but it's not as overwhelming as you think. If you're willing to respect yourself, you know, and be like, you know what? This is not going to work out for me. No offense, you know, don't be afraid to say no. I went on coffee dates because here's the thing, I'm not willing to invest a lot of time either. I went on coffee dates because you can tell a lot by conversation and I'm like 100% on that. Can you hold a conversation with me? Because I am a chatty frickin person, okay? Like I really am. I've been chatting my whole life. You cannot get me to shut up and my kids exactly the same. Can you hold a conversation with me? You know, can you ask questions about me and then can I ask questions about you and you not give me. Yeah, okay, you know what I'm saying? Like these one word answers.

I know, I know what you're saying.

Is there a brain in there? Do you read books? Like what's up? That's a big thing. By the way, reading books.

You have to.

Readers are leaders. And I really believe that. Even if you don't, you don't have to do what you're doing or what I'm doing. It's just like, do you read books? Like how do you open your mind? How do you experience life outside of your own little bubble? Don't be afraid to say no to people.

I have a quote that kind of goes against that. It pushes back a little bit. Yeah. So. And it's by me, so I don't know how much weight it carries. Right. That's what I'm saying. I don't know how much weight it carries, but it's my quote and it's. Readers are only leaders if they do what the book says. Because knowledge is potential power. Execution is actual power. Which is true.

It's true.

There's a lot, there's a lot of people that read and they don't do jack squat about what's in that book. I used to be the same way with the Bible. And my life never transformed because I read that Bible. I thought that by reading it, it was gonna change my life. It gave me faith because faith comes by hearing and hearing of the word of God. But transformation came by application. And it's the same thing with all these self development books, man. It's the same thing with our content. Right. If somebody reads your content, that doesn't make them a leader unless they're applying the stuff that you say. Right? I have so many people constantly in my DMs, and they're like, can you just tell me one thing that's gonna. And they literally say this. They're like, I just thought you were going to tell me one thing that would change my life. And I was like, no. I'm like, I'm telling you to go watch my content and then do what my content says. Do it. And if you do it, you'll experience freedom. Go to. Go to my YouTube channel. There's plenty of stuff in there where I'm telling you, in the support group, I get a lot more. Because it's like, I do more teaching in there than I do inspiration. Right. Because I'm a strategist is really what I am. I'm not a motivational speaker. I believe I bring that element. But I'm more a strategist. Like, I have the perfect proven process to this point to get you healed in 90 days or less. A lot of the times, 30 days, thankfully. But it's like, that doesn't come from motivation, that comes from application. Right? Exactly, exactly. But I love what you're saying, because something that I teach my men specifically is that they need to be asking questions and let the woman talk 80% of the time. Because first of all, it makes you learn how to be interested in someone. Like, if I'm not talking, then I need to be listening. And the best communicators know how to listen.

Yeah.

When people tell me like, hey, man, can you teach me how to, like, talk? Can you teach me how to be a good communicator? I'm like, learn how to listen. Learn how to listen. Because now you know what to hit on if, if, if I'm like in front of a crowd, right? This is back when I was, when I would, like, preach if I was doing youth ministry. And we had, we had like 300 and something students, right, that we're leading. And I didn't listen to the Conversations that were constantly going on. I could preach a message that was irrelevant to them.

Right.

Which made me not a good communicator. But if I was listening, I could speak something that was directly to all their hearts, because there's always a theme that's happening. Right. And so I teach my men that, which would be awesome because they ask questions. And then I always say, I'm like. And then give them a little bit of something that you relate to that is from yourself so that it shows them, like, oh, wow, he's listening, and he's relatable. I was like. And then ask another question. I was like, bro, I'm telling you, your dates will be the easiest dates in the world. You talked 20% of the time. You got to know so much about her, and she left. I'm like. I'm like. And then she left that date wondering about you because, wow. Like, man, I just felt so good talking to him. But what about him? I wonder what he. And then I'm like, And now this is one thing that's very, very true. And I'm sure you'll agree, women don't fall in love in person. Y' all don't fall in love face to face. You fall in love when you're stuck thinking and wondering about the man that is.

And you're making the Disney movie in your head.

Yes. So that's what I tell the men. I'm like, let her do the work for you. Let her fall in love for you. You show up as actually you. So if you're actually listening 80% of the time and asking questions 20% of the time and talking, that means you're actually interested in this human. It's not a game. It's not a game. It's actually showing up interested in that person and giving her the room to open herself up. Because it's proven. Y' all talk way more than men do. It's proven.

I mean, you talk a lot.

I do talk a lot. I feel like I'm like, the difference maker who's, like, changing the needle.

I'm dead.

Yeah. Because I do talk a lot. But, like, it's, like, proven how many words women say compared to how many words men say. And I'm like, But that just shows you, man. Like, you don't have to say a lot to, like, you know, win her heart over. Because communication isn't key in relationships. And that's something that I realized in dating after divorce and in my marriage. Right. Communication isn't key. I think that's A that is a half truth, a half baked truth that we're all buying into. It's not communication. It's communication. Plus another seed called consideration. If that other person cannot listen to you and cannot consider what the heck is coming out of your mouth, you can communicate all you want, baby. It's not going to change anything, Anything.

You know What? You are 100% correct about that. Because that was something that I touched on in my book. I didn't say, well, the way you said it was really nice. But to your point, I said, yeah, you can communicate in circles. You can communicate over and over and over until you are blue in your face. But if that person does not understand you, if they don't understand what you're saying, if they, like you said, they can't have the consideration, then you're right. It's absolutely never going to work. That was one of the biggest issues of my marriage, was that I am an over communicator. Like, I'm like, if I'm sad one day, like, I can give you like 15 reasons why I'm sad. Like, I know you know what I mean? Like, I know what's going on. But you know, again, like, if people are just dead set against like not understanding where you're coming from, you know, because wounds, you know, people have wounds and that sometimes affects the way they hear you, the way they see you. And that does create that communication barrier. And so, yeah, you're absolutely right. Communicating, like just expressing feelings is never the point. The point in effective communication is for an understanding to come out on both sides and then deepening the relationship. Right, Deepening the intimacy relationship. But if no one's understanding each other, then you're not effectively communicating. And I gotta plug a book. It's not my book, but there is a book and it's a very good book. And it's called the Art of Communication. Sorry. It's called the Art of Listening. And it really helps people like understand what active listening is. Because the majority of us are not active listeners. We're listening to respond. We're listening to be like to have the rebuttal, you know. And I got to tell you, if somebody's talking to you and you already have your response in your head, you didn't even listen because you were planning everything up in your head. And I did that for a really long time because I was like, I'm going to get back at you, you know? And so ye. Yeah, just listen. Because guaranteed, like, if you're just like, just sit back and like absorb people's words. Like you're gonna realize it's not about you. There's nothing for you to get upset about. There's nothing for you to get offended about. Like you can just hear somebody from where they're coming from and detach yourself from your emotional response and how you're wanting to come back at them. But yeah, communication is really frickin hard and I think they need to teach it in school. They really need to have classes on like active, like communication and active listening and not listening to reply.

Yes, that is so true. Because nobody, nobody teaches it. Nobody teaches it. And it's. What you said is like, I mean, you hit the nail right on the head. Everybody is listening to respond constantly. They're not like, instead listen to like, dig. Like, what else can I, what else can I. What more information can I get from this person? Like, I want to know more. Not just like, man, I feel this way. It's like, well, why? Why do you feel that way? Well, when you did this, well, what did that say to you? When I did that, what did that say to you? And now I know what meanings you're creating and what meanings you're attaching. And I can address the meaning because it's not about the action, it's the meaning. That's all it is. That's why, that's why you could have not answered a text and you were asleep, but to them it meant something completely different. Right?

Awesome things.

Yes, it's all about meanings. And that's why we've got to become masters of the meanings that we attach to situations so that we're not that person. You don't want to be that person. You don't be the person that makes it all about you. So what makes people. Because you hit on this earlier and I'm curious to what you meant by it because you said, love yourself enough, know your worth enough to like leave those things, right? To not stay stuck. And what do you feel is what makes people stay stuck? And I know you hit on it a little bit, but I want to close on this and dive deep into it at the same time. What do you feel makes people stay stuck with somebody that they know that they're not supposed to be with in a relationship post divorce or heartbreak?

Yeah, it's always the fear. It always comes down to you're scared. You're scared of being alone. You're scared that nobody else will want you. Like you. If you're a single mom and you got a bunch of kids or even One kid. Oh, well, nobody's gonna love my kid. Yeah, it always boils down to fear and fear. You know, the church acronyms, False evidence appearing real. You know, like, it's like fear is all in your head. There's healthy fear. There really is healthy fears that we all need to have. Like, you know, if you're at the edge of a cliff, you know, that's a healthy fear that you feel like you're gonna fall off. Yeah, you probably are. You're at the edge. Move back. You know, healthy fear. It's telling you something, right? But the fear that we all have and that we all experience post divorce is not real. It's based in our limiting beliefs. It's based in our past experiences. It's based on. In a lot of insecurity. And I don't know anybody who gets a divorce and is automatically the most secure person on earth. It's not a thing. You know, you really have to work on it. You have to build yourself back up on the inside. And here's the thing. It's like, you can't half. Well, you can't half bake your security either. You know, you really can't. You can't fake it. You have to really do the work and identify. Like, why did this happen? Why am I insecure? What are the things that are holding holding me back? And what are the limiting beliefs that I've told myself? And if you don't know what a limiting belief is, it's. This is the perfect example right here. I got a divorce, so that must mean I'm bad at relationships and no one will ever love me. That is a limiting belief that something happened in your life and you've attached yourself and all of these lies to it. To say that it can never be better or nothing else better than this will ever come out of it. That's a lie. That's something that you're lying to yourself about. And now that lie is just playing itself over and over and over again. I know plenty of people who've never been married who are. I'm gonna say they suck at dating, okay? They suck at dating. And the reason they suck at dating is because they approach dating with the fear, with the limiting beliefs, with the, oh, it's never gonna work out anyways. If you think that, don't even go on a date. Like, why are you wasting your time?

Yeah, you haven't done the work.

You have not done the work on yourself. And it's important to do the work on yourself. I'm not Saying that I don't think anybody's ever 100% healed because triggers exist for a reason.

Exactly, exactly.

Those triggers are to show you that, okay, this is your next area of work. You know what I mean? Like, this is the thing that you need to work on. And just like relationships tear you apart, relationships also can heal you. And when you are aligned and you're with the right people, not just romantically, but even friendship, you know, that are supporting you, you as a person. And so just be mindful of that, you know, like, it is about self worth. It is about knowing that like, regardless of who comes in and out of your life, it's on purpose having that deep faith that like, if somebody leaves, it's because God needs to bring somebody else, you know, somebody better. And not being afraid to say goodbye to people. Like, I quote this all the time. It's not my quote, but it says, you know, like, when you're brave enough to say goodbye, life rewards you with a new hello.

Very true.

It's like, don't be afraid.

Very true.

Not missing out on people. And that comes from a really, really deep, like faith, like rooted faith that knows that like, you know, all things really are gonna work together for your good, you know, even if it looks crappy right now, you know, even if you think, you know, Joe Schmoe was the guy you were supposed to marry next, you know, and it, and it doesn't work out. It's like that deep rooted faith that like, and the self worth of knowing, like, you know, what if I stand alone, God is still with me. I don't have to be afraid. I lack nothing. Like everything is available to you at all times. And that takes a lot of freaking work. Yeah, a lot of work. A lot of confidence.

That is so good. That is so good. So how do you overcome the fear then? Because here's how I see it, okay? Sometimes it's not that they don't have the self worth, and sometimes it's not that they don't love themselves enough. Sometimes it's just that they're scared shitless, you know what I mean? And so that drives us to act in. Because your emotional state is everything. And this is what I teach my clients. That's why if I'm meeting with someone and you can ask anyone who's ever met with me, if they're just in this place where they're like, oh, like, I break their pattern, I break their pattern and I make them laugh and I usually do it very abruptly and sometimes I use cursing Specifically for it. Right. Like some taboo language that it shocks their whole body, their whole mind, their nervous system. And they're just like. That came out of nowhere, right. So I do that to get them out of that pattern because what emotional state you're in will dictate what you can do. Like, there's people that, there's literally people that have had one session with me, that's all they needed was one session with me and their life completely changed. And it was because they were in such a high peak state that all the work that we did on, in that 60 minutes, it was received by their body and it became part of their nervous system altogether. That's how a belief is created. FYI, anybody that's listening, a belief is created when the thought and an emotion connects. And now it's part of your body and your body recognizes it now and it believes it. And so how would you tell people personally? You know, I have, I have my, my ways. But how would you tell somebody to, how would you guide them to help overcome that fear on the day to day basis? Because it is, we do have to like, know what's healthy fear and what's unhealthy fear. And we do have to eventually overcome those fears if we want any chance at living a fulfilling life. Right. And if we want any chance of people to stop beating themselves up by saying, well, I didn't love myself, I don't respect myself enough. No, it's not that. If you were in a different emotional like, like space, you would have made a different decision that would have reflected self worth and self value.

That's true. Yeah.

So really you were just scared, right? So how would you help somebody overcome that fear?

I think the only way to get over fear is to do it.

Mm.

You gotta, you gotta put yourself in the arena. You know, it's, and it applies to every area of your life. It's not just dating. Like, there are things that we are all afraid to do. And like the book. I was terrified to release the book. Like, honestly, like, this is no word of a lie.

I cried for I believe you.

Like it was done already. All the money had been spent. It was just like ready to go. And I'm sitting there balling my butt off for two weeks because I was terrified. I was terrified to put the story out there. But let me tell you something. At the other side of fear is going to be your confidence. You have got to learn how to keep putting yourself in the arena. Because even if you fail, which I don't really Believe you fail because you are learning. You know, that's how humans learn, is through the failure experience. And so you need to just keep putting yourself out there. And I'm not. Again, back to what we said in the beginning. You need to qualify people for your life.

Yes.

I'm not saying just anyone. Yeah, no, we're not doing that, guys. We're too old. Okay? We're too old for them. But you got to qualify people for your life. You got to know what you're looking for and then decide, is this worth it? Is this person worth it? And realize that your fear is going to come across to them, too, and you have to work on that. You know, that's you. You own that. That's all you. And a lot of times when you're fearful, you know, you project that on other people. And if you're not aware that that's you, you're blaming it on them. And then you're telling them, like, oh, well, this, this, this, and this. And really, it's you. It's like you're looking in the mirror, and now you're telling them it's them, you know?

Yeah.

So you got to be careful. But I would definitely say the only way to get over fear is really, like, put yourself in the arena. Just put yourself in the game and really continue to work on yourself. Because I really do believe that when you're confident in yourself and, you know, your own personal worth, like, you'll keep pushing to become that better version of you. You know, a lot of people give up because they're so scared. And the. And the fear is really what stops them all the time from doing anything. And in my 20s, I will tell you, that was my number one biggest issue, was my fear. It was my fear. I didn't sign record contracts because of my fear. I didn't do, you know, X, Y, and Z because of fear. You know, everything was like, oh, I'm scared. I'm scared, I'm scared. I'm scared, I'm scared. But what was I so afraid of? And that's what I asked myself. When I'm really scared of something, I'm like, what am I so afraid of? Because if you can identify what it is that you're scared of, it becomes less of a big deal. It's bigger in here than it is out here. Absolutely identify. Why am I scared? If you are physically scared of going out on a date, like, you fear your physical safety, you need therapy for that. Okay, I'm gonna be real with you. Okay. If Something happened like you were raped or something crazy like that happened to you, then get a therapist, because that's real. That's not a fake fear, okay? You're not making that up. That's a traumatic life experience. And so you can also overcome that. You can. You know, you just. You need the proper tools. You know, you need your tool belt stacked. You gotta know how to keep yourself safe, you know, so that's different. But, yeah, all in all, like, identify what you're afraid of. You know? Like, my thing, starting dating again was, okay, well, I'm afraid somebody's gonna cheat on me again. You know, I was like, I'm afraid somebody's gonna cheat on me, or I'm afraid, you know, it's not gonna work out and I'm gonna waste time or whatever. But there's a line in my book which is so good, I'm gonna say this because it really is. It hit me after I wrote it. I was like, damn, I wrote that? That's crazy. But it says that love is never wasted. Yeah, love is never wasted.

It's very true.

And, like, if it doesn't work out, that's okay. You know, if your relationship doesn't work out, that's. That's okay. It is not the end of the world. I would say be mindful of how much you're giving, if you take my drift. You know, we can't be sleeping with everybody. We're dating. Okay, people, Okay? I know you all like to be up, and. No, it's not okay. So it's like, be mindful of how much you're. You're putting out there into the world. And that's why healthy dating, like, really, really healthy dating, is very, very intentional. Like, there's a ton of quotes on Instagram. I'm sure we all see it, but it's like, if you're not dating with the intention to marry, like, make sure you make that clear from the beginning. So if you just want a little hot pepper on the side, like, just be clear with your intentions, guys. And if you don't know guys and girls, and if you don't know what your intentions are, maybe identify that first before you start straining on people. You know what I mean?

Yeah, exactly. That's really, really good. That's really good because it's so true. Like, I mean, fear is the number one thing. And I like how you said it. You got to put yourself into the arena. And I want you. Anyone who's listening to this right now, I want you to know that doesn't have to necessarily be the arena of dating, it could just be the arena of overcoming fear and just doing it on little levels. Because confidence comes from the illusion of control is all it is. That's all confidence is, is the illusion of control. So if I can set myself up for success as much as possible in this certain area, then I have confidence in it. For example, me with fighting, if I train hard enough for a fight, I will have the illusion of control. Like I know the outcome that's coming because I know the work that was put in. So it's an illusion. It's a higher probability that it will happen, but it's never a guarantee. And that's really all it is. So how do you build confidence? You show up and you overcome fear in little areas. That's honestly how you do it. And something that I would say that I loved what you said, you said it's bigger in here than it is out here. For example, you're releasing your book. It's the same thing. When I wanted to start this business, like helping people, I was like, I don't want to post, I don't want to post on TikTok. I don't want to post on TikTok. Finally posted on TikTok 3 videos calendar filled up for two weeks, right? It's like, oh my goodness. That gave me more confidence to, you know what, now I'm going to do this. You know what, now I'm going to do this. Now I'm going to do this, now I'm going to do that. But it was stepping out, into it, right? And it's so true in here, everybody, this is why I tell you life happens on its terms, but it's experience on our terms. Because what you're entertaining here is going to affect everything. And here's the thing, you're not a bad date if somebody tells you that you're boring. You're not boring. But you're so focused on how scared you are of being boring that you're so here and not here that you end up being boring. It's a self fulfilled prophecy. And so something that I teach a lot is you gotta make peace with the fear. What's the worst thing that could possibly happen? Make peace with it and then do it. Because if the worst thing that can happen is somebody rejects you, well then you just lost something you never had. So you didn't really lose something.

Come on, go with it.

You see what I mean? And then you take that L, you take that L and you move it around to where it becomes a W for you. So now your rejection becomes redirection. So now you're in a place of abundance, not lack. Where you're like, I'm going to do it anyways, because even if they say no, it's still a blessing for me.

That's right. Say that again.

You see what I mean? And so it encourages you to show up. When you show up in a place of abundance as opposed to a place of luck, you're. Or lack, your life changes because. Because now you're not scared of, like, these opportunities, Right? And now anything that comes at you in life is a blessing. That's why one of the core values that I try and, like, drive into my clients is that life is happening for you. Even the worst things in the world that could have happened. Right. Oprah would not be Oprah had she not gone through what she went through as a child. And she went through a terrible childhood. Tony Robbins would not be Tony Robbins had he not gone through what he went through as a kid. He had four different dads, and the last one didn't even stick around. His mom used to make him drink dish soap because she thought that he was lying to her because she was literally psychotic. And now he's like, look at the man. Look at what he's doing. I would not be doing what I'm doing right now had I not gone through insane pain in my life and insane struggle. So everything that you go through is a blessing and. Oh, nice. Awesome. But I love that, like, we've got to learn. Think about what's the worst possible outcome that could happen and then make peace with it. And after you make peace, that making.

Peace is probably one of the hardest things for people to actually do. But I've always said, like, in acceptance lies peace. Accept it. And to your point, like, rejection, like, a lot of people say rejection is redirection and rejection is protection. It's protection.

That too. Yep.

God. Protecting you from that person, you know, not saying they're the worst people ever, but it's like, you know, everybody has, I'll cut my dog now, too. Everyone has, like, you know, their calling. Everybody has the thing that they are made to do on this earth, you know, and it doesn't all have to be large scales. You know, we can't all be Tony Robbins. You know what I mean? But it's like, everybody does have that sphere of influence, the people that they're going to influence in their life. And if you don't learn how to conquer your Fear. Conquering your fear is conquering yourself. If you don't learn how to conquer your fear, you never get to step into the other realms that are available to you. And so fear really is the thing that keeps you back all the time. Like, I was terrified, truthfully, to get a divor. I was terrified of what it meant, you know, I was terrified of what. What that was going to look like to everybody else. And, you know, whatever it was, you know, we all have our things, but at the end of the day, I was just like, I gotta stop being so scared about what other people think. I gotta stop being so scared of, like, if this fails, it already failed. You know what I mean? But, like, what can I learn from this? What can I do with this failure? You know? And everything, you know, exactly like you said, everything in your life is really for you. It really is for you. And there's so many people that walk around with victim mentalities. And I'm telling you right now, like, I can already tell from your personality, you know, that you're not available for the victim mentality, and neither am I. I'm just like, when you're ready to, like, get over your victim, like, your victimhood, you know, we can have a real conversation. But until you get over the fact that you're not a victim, you're not going to move anywhere in your life.

You're just gonna be. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And that's what I help people get out of that. It was hard at first because I'm a very, like, no BS type of person, right? But I was like, I can't serve people with that type of attitude. I'm like, not to the caliber that I want to serve people on, right? Other people can. But, like, I had a session with a lady and I pretty much had everything right on the money for her to the point where she was like, yes. She was like, I feel like you're in my head and, like, I haven't even told you what I'm going through. And I was like, it's because I don't really need to know what you're going through to know exactly what you're experiencing. And then I asked her, I was like, so now, like, do you want to move forward with this? And she was like, well, that's the thing. I don't want to accept this. I was like, what do you mean? Yeah. She was like, I don't. I don't want to accept this. Like, I know that I should. I know that I can. I know all these things. Then I told her. I was like, well, sweetie, like, why are we here? Like, I can't help you if you don't want to. If you don't want to. And she was like, well, I want you to help me want to. Right? And so then I gave her some clarity on that, and I think it helped her a ton. I said I was like, the reason why you don't want to accept it is because the story that you're writing around acceptance.

Come on.

You're writing a story on acceptance that if I accept this, I officially failed as a wife. If I accept this, I officially gave up on the one true love that I've always had. And then as I started saying these, like, these little. As I accept this, da, da, da. Her eyes just. She was like, yes, yes. That's exactly where I'm at. I was like, you've got to flip the script on that. How it. How is that not true? Because it's not true. Like, it's not true at all. And so. And that's, again, that's how you overcome fear. You listen to what it's. You listen to the lies, and you're like, dude, that's not true, man. You got to treat it like this annoying little elementary kid, like, right? That, like, tells you, like, oh, like, you're ugly. Oh, you're over fat. Oh, you're boring. Or this stuff. It's like, how much weight do you give that kid? His words. Not much. So don't give these other things that much weight. And so those are good ways that you can start overcoming fear, make peace with it. Recognize that it's not gonna be as bad as you think. Right? Find the blessing in the potential loss that you could experience, and that's really gonna build that abundance in you. And then one thing that I love telling people, and I'll leave with this, because I want to make sure I honor your time as well. But this was really fun, so thank you. Is that the only difference? The only difference between fear and faith is this. Faith is your thoughts completely with no direction. They're just spiraling. Faith. Faith is your thoughts with direction. That's the only difference. You got fear, and it's your thoughts going out of control. You got faith, and it's your thoughts with complete direction, saying, this is where I'm choosing to channel my thoughts. And fear is. This is where my thoughts are choosing to channel my energy.

Fear is taking on a rock huster.

Literally. Literally. Literally. So, Veronica, thank you so much for this incredible chat, man. It was so awesome. Thank you for sending me a message, being bold and like asking me so that we could connect. I really like this. I got a feeling I might get you into my inner circle here one of these months so that you could be one of our guest speakers in there. So if you guys want to get more of her, jump in there. If you want to get more of her, follow her Instagram, the description, it's all going to be in the descriptions, but I'm gonna let her plug it and I'm gonna let her plug her book as well. So tell us where we can find you and your book.

So my book is available on all online platforms. So anywhere you can buy a book online, you can buy Half Baked Love, Navigating the Sleep, Middle of Divorce. It's Cologne, not Colon, not Colin. Don't butcher my last name. But you can find me on Instagram and it's just Miss Veronica Cologne. It's so important to say this, guys, and Puerto Rican. Okay? Cologne is the last name. So yeah, don't butcher that. But yeah, find me on all the socials. I don't do coaching via social media, so I do have like very small client based group because I just go full throttle with everybody. But yeah, this was fun. And if you're thinking about getting a divorce and you're working with Frank, the book will help you because again, like, like we both said, like, I'm sure you feel the same. We're both very pro marriage. Okay? So if you are struggling with your marriage, like, doesn't mean your marriage is over. Like, I will say that wholeheartedly. Like if you have an ounce of faith in you, like, faith can get you over a mountain. And working with people like Frank or me or even a licensed counselor, therapist or whatever, do the work, guys. Marriages and relationships are really hard work. And I don't believe just because you're going through a hard time, it means it's over. Fight for your marriage, okay? Unless they're abusive, then leave. But fight for your marriage. And that's pretty much it.

Yes. That's really, really good. We need to do, we'll do a whole other episode, a whole nother video on feelings, okay? Because I really want to talk about feelings with dating because this is why so many people end up with three baby daddies or three baby mamas. It's because they felt. They felt. And then what happens when that feeling changes and that person no longer help makes you feel the feelings? And so I want to talk about all of that if that's something you'd be interested in. Yeah, I would love to address that. But, Veronica, I just got to say you got a beautiful spirit to you. You got a powerful voice. For real? For real. I can honestly see God's hand just all over your life. I'm excited to see what you continue to do and just to be a part of that in any small way possible. And I'm so happy that you took something that you went through and you turned it into a massive victory and not just victory for your own gain, but so that you can also help other people. And so I just. I love that you have that servant's heart. It's gonna get you. It's gonna get you very far. Even though that's not your. Your the reason for the servant's heart. But it's gonna get you very far because a lot of people need your voice and a lot of people need what you carry. So thank you so much for that.