how to stop being triggered by my ex!

Every trigger that we encounter in our life is a blessing because it's showing us an area that needs some tweaking. It shows us an area in our life that needs some work. Hey, welcome back to the channel. My name is Coach Frank. And on this channel, I help you overcome all things heartbreak or divorce. And today I want to tackle a subject that's really going to help us moving past the heartbreak already kind of. If you're trying to find an another relationship, if you're trying to get into something else, this is really going to be helpful for you. I want to talk about eliminating triggers, how to get rid of them as a whole. Now, I know that that sounds impossible, and it kind of is, because this whole entire life is just a journey, right, of becoming who God always designed us to be. And so this is something that you're going to be working through for the rest of your life, because there's always going to be new things that come at us and that create triggers within us, okay? But the thing that we cannot do is that we cannot just stay in this place. Because if we stay in this place, then there is no growth. And if there is no growth, then we can't attract the relationships, the careers, the opportunities that we deserve in this life. Because at the end of the day, we don't get what we deserve, but we get what we put in work for. And so I think that this is an area that is so important for. For us to put in work towards. Okay? The first thing is that you can't just eliminate these triggers by pushing them away. I see people say this all the time, right? And my clients, I ask them to do the opposite, honestly. So whenever you go through a heartbreak or you go through a divorce, the first thing that you want to do is you want to block this person. You want to not see this person that way. You're not thinking about them. It's not triggering you. You see what I'm saying? But I actually ask my clients to do the opposite. I ask them, hey, don't block the person if you don't want to, right? Because those triggers are blessings. Every trigger that we encounter in our life is a blessing because it's showing us an area that needs some tweaking. It shows us an area in our life that needs some work. And if we can work that pain, if we can start to work that trigger and find out what. Why am I so triggered by this person? Why am I so triggered by this event? Why am I so triggered by somebody posting this post that they Posted. It's not that that person is doing anything bad, which they might be, okay, they might be doing something bad. But what am I creating it to mean in my own head? If I see my ex, right, and I see them with somebody else and I see them posting that they're so happy and they're doing all these fun things, what am I making that mean? Because that's where the pain is coming from. The pain isn't coming from what that person is doing or what that post says or that video says. The pain is coming from what I'm choosing to make it mean about myself, about my future, about my choices, about my integrity, about my character. And so once you start analyzing it and identifying the meaning that you're attaching to those actions or that circumstance, then guess what you get to do? You get to now do the deep work and choose, is this true? Is this meaning that I'm attaching to this situation true? And if it's not, then you debunk it. You choose your alternative meaning that you want to put attaching to that situation. And now you got breakthrough. Now that person doesn't bother you anymore. Now that post doesn't bother you anymore. Now you become unperturbed. Now you become indifferent. Now you become emotionally sound and secure, and you create your own certainty in those situations. I just recently posted a video. Maybe you guys saw it on Instagram and here on YouTube. On a narcissist, right on people that are narcissists. And one of the reels that I created, I said that narcissists are not bad people. They are hurt people that do bad things. And I do stand by that. And oh, my word, the triggers that were. That happened in the comments were insane. So much so that I had. I had clients voice memoing me like, hey, Coach, just wondering how you're handling it. All the backlash, this and this and that. And I told them what I tell what I would tell you. I didn't bother me. It didn't bother me because those comments, I did not allow them to trigger me because I've done some work to where I've gotten to a place now where other people's actions don't trigger me because I know and I choose to make it mean that that reflects more about where they're at than it does about where I'm at. Especially if it's something that I've worked through, if it's something that I've processed. And I feel very secure in the work that I've done to actually push that out there, like that video, right? So there's a lot of people that were in the comments, and I don't even think that those people that were saying bad things about me and towards me are bad people. I think that they are exactly what I labeled the narcissist as. I think that they are people that are hurting, and because they're hurting, they're doing bad things. And guess what? It didn't trigger me, but it showed me where they're at. Some people believe that if they forgive this narcissist than that they are actually empowering that narcissist and that they're not holding them accountable anymore. And there's such a lie that they bought into and it's keeping them in prison, but that's where they're at. So if you can see, like trigger shows us where we're at. Let me give you a quick story for me, my personal experience with the. With the trigger. I was in this relationship months ago, and this was towards the beginning of the relationship where my girlfriend at the time started telling a story that really triggered me. And it had. It involved her how she believed that it was okay to be intimate with just friends, that it never had to go past, that you could just be friends and be intimate with each other and still continue just to be friends. And so she wasn't necessarily doing anything wrong in that moment. She was just talking about past experiences. But my brain got triggered, my mind got triggered. I started feeling it coursing through my body. The anger, the jealousy, the fear, all of that stuff. Right. And so in that moment, I didn't react, though. I identified what was going on. I was like, okay, I'm triggered. Why am I triggered? She's not doing anything wrong right now. She's telling a story from her past, and then she's also giving me some insight into how she believes. Right? But she's not doing anything bad, so I can't get mad at her. If I get mad at her, then I'm just going to shut that situation down. It's going to make me feel better in the moment, but it's not going to eliminate the trigger. You see what I'm saying? So what I ended up doing instead was I sat with it. We went into topgolf. We had a good time. We were there with some friends. And I just remember thinking in my head throughout that whole time, like, why did that trigger me so much? Why did that trigger me so much? And I started realizing, because I know, and I hope that you take note of this. That anger is not actually anger. That's just what we're projecting. It's not what you're actually feeling. Anger is. It comes from three different emotions. You could feel all of these at the same time or one individually doesn't really matter, but it comes from feeling shame, fear, or hurt. And I recognized in that moment that I was feeling fear. I was scared. I was scared because if you have the belief that you could just be friends with someone and sleep with them, then how does that create any security in our relationship? Because then you might just sleep with a friend and you think it's okay, and you might have all these friends that are around our relationship that you've just been sleeping around with. And it created this fear in me because when I was young, I got left by a girl for another dude. And so it went all the way back to that. And then I recognized in that moment, oh, this it's just a trigger that is uprooting something deeper within me. And it has nothing to do with her, but it has everything to do with what I am making it mean about me. I made it mean that I wasn't good enough. I made it mean that I was going to lose her. I made it mean that she was going to cheat. I made it. You see what I'm saying? And then once I caught myself, I was able to address the triggers. And I actually got to talk to her after we left topgolf, and I said.