How to tell if you're ready to date again after a divorce

Hey, I'm Frank Ortega, a divorce recovery coach. And somebody asked me, and this is a question that I get a lot, and so I thought it would be perfect to do a video on this. And I get asked the question quite, quite frequently, and that is, when is it appropriate to date after a divorce or breakup to know if you've reached breakthrough? So here's the thing. I know a lot of people have a lot of opinions on this, and this is just. This is just what I've gathered from my journey. And so I want to help you because I want to save you through some challenges that you might not have to go through. Okay. And so the first and foremost thing to know when you're ready to really start dating, first of all, you'll kind of know, but there's also some. Some practical things that we can capture to really solidify our belief that, okay, I am ready to go out there, and that way you have the best experience dating after divorce. So many people actually hate dating after divorce, and they just think that the dating game is trash and all these things. And it's because of a specific mindset. And. And so I want you to adapt this mindset. This is the first thing that I believe you really need to have solidified in order to get back out there in the dating world and actually have a good time. You've got to be looking to give, not to take. There is so many people out here, especially after they go through a divorce or a heartbreak, where they're just looking to see what somebody can offer them. And while we still have to have some of that, I think the most important thing is, is that we need to be in a place where, okay, I'm actually ready to serve and I'm ready to give to somebody else. If I. And if I'm not in that place, then honestly, I don't think you have any right to just start dating right now. Because what's going to happen is you're going to go in there with the intention and with the thought of, okay, well, what are they bringing to the table the entire time instead of just relaxing and having a good time? And so now your dates are going to feel more like interviews than they do, just you guys connecting. And so if you can get to the place where you're actually wanting to give and serve, then it's going to be a completely different experience, because what will happen now is you'll actually go on that date thinking about, how can I help this person have a good time? How can I help this person Escape their reality for a little bit and just laugh. How can I help this person feel beautiful in this moment? How can I help them feel like they're interesting by me being interested in. In them, not interested in what they can give me, but just being interested in them, right? And so you take all the weight off of the dating game and now you're just you having a good time looking to help this person have a good time. And so I think that you need to be at a place where you're more looking to give than to receive. And the only way that you get there is when you're actually happy with your life, when you don't feel like you need anything in your life. Because if you walk into the dating scene needing something, then what's going to happen is you are. And then there was a gentleman who actually asked this question, right? And so I'm speaking to the gentleman right now. So if you go into the dating scene needing something in your life, then you're going to give off a very needy vibe. And then that's where you're going to begin to actually over pursue and you're going to start killing off the attraction of whatever girl is interested in you because you need them. If you don't have them in your life right now, then you are not satisfied with your life. And a woman doesn't want to come into your life to make you whole. She wants you whole as a man so that she can just enjoy being with you, right? And you hear it so often nowadays with modern relationships and feminists, right? Where it's like, I know I want an equal. An equal. Okay, well, what, what's really being said there is I want somebody that's whole and that I don't have to come in and fix them. I don't, I don't have to be there for them to be okay, right? And so once you get to a place where you're actually more ready to serve than to receive, that's when I believe you're actually ready to start dating. Personally, if you, if you go into the dating scene before this, you're going to have some, you're going to have some experiences, man, and they're not going to be good, right? You're going to have some experiences where you're going to want to give up on women. You're going to want to give up on the dating scene. And it's simply because you went into it looking to what can I get? What can I receive from them? Now you obviously have to vet right? When you're on the dating scene, but we're not talking about that right now. We're talking about, when am I ready? The foundation of every single relationship in your life is based off of one thing. What are you bringing to the table for them? What are you bringing to the table for them? In your job, if you're more focused on how can I serve my boss? You're more likely to get a promotion than somebody who has an expectation of, what can my boss do for me? What are they doing for me? Right? Then we take this into friendships. All friendships are. Is a circle of people that are reciprocating to each other. And so if you want to get really good friends, ask yourself, how can I serve these people? And you get focused on serving, because as soon as you start focusing on, well, what are they bringing to my table? And you obsess over it, or even the thought of, are they bringing anything to my table? Now what's going to happen is you're going to begin to judge, ridicule, and just critique that person instead of actually invest into the relationship, right? And so I want you to think of it almost as an atm. You got to make deposits. You got to make deposits before you can begin to withdraw. And so many men fall into this. This behavior where they want to withdraw before they deposit, especially after you've gone through a divorce or a heartbreak. So first off, get your life in order, because when you show up in the dating scene and your life is not in order to, you yourself will not feel like you have something to bring to the table for that person anyways. So then therefore, you're, like, crippled with a little bit of anxiety. You're a little bit insecure. You're not showing up as the playful self that you are in the confident self that you are. And so that's why you got to get your life in order. You got to be happy with your life before you go out into the dating scene. And then you got to go out looking to serve. How can I help this person have an incredible time to tonight, not next week, not where is this going to go? Okay? Because you got to start removing these expectations. That's another thing that's really going to help you get ready for this is practice removing expectations from people. Because if you go on a date and you're already expecting this to go somewhere, that's too much pressure. You're going to scare a woman away. They're not going to. They're not going to want anything to do with you because you're already giving off relationship vibes before they're ready. And a woman has to commit on her terms, okay? It's just like if you guys were going to be intimate, it's on her terms. If it's not on her terms, it's not happening. So relationships are the exact same way. The woman has to be willing and wanting to commit, and then you just reciprocate that. But if you're the one pushing it, you're the one talking about it, you're the one giving off that energy where I just. I need you. I need you. I need to commit. I need a commitment from you. What are we. Where is this thing going? If you're doing all of that, it's too much pressure, man. The dating scene should be fun, and you should have fun, because love is playful and fun. That's what love is. Love is not serious. Love is not demanding. And so if you can get to a place, brother, where you are ready to serve and you're happy with your life because you've gotten your stuff in order, then I think that you're going to have the best experience dating. But if your life isn't in order and you're expecting, that's a recipe for you to get hurt. That's a recipe for you to start thinking that women aren't good, that the dating scene is terrible, and it's going to make you want to give up on the dating scene. So don't do that. Instead, get your life in order, man. It's masculine anyways to focus on your mission more than anything else. So focus on your mission. What is it that you're trying to accomplish right now in your life? What is it that you're trying to do? What are you passionate about? Because this way, it works in every aspect. Because this way you're working on your mission and your purpose, you're getting your life in order, which means that now you're a provider, you're a producer for that potential future spouse, right? So you're operating out of those. Now you've. You're. You're creating leadership characteristics within yourself because you're making moves based off of your mission, not off of your emotion. And so now a woman will actually see you as a leader. Why? Because you are a leader. You led yourself. You've been leading your life. And so that's why that is so important. What's going to end up happening is that women are actually going to be more attracted to you because now you carry that leadership quality without having to say, I'm a leader. They can just sense it coming off of you because it's who you are. It's not a Persona that you're trying to put out there. It's literally who you are. And so what will also end up happening is you're gonna have stories to tell. You're gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna have even better conversations because there's, there's not many men out here right now that have a mission and a purpose in their life. So if a woman was to ask him, hey, so like, what are you all about? What are you passionate about? I mean, I get, I get to, I get to talk about this. I get to talk about. Man. My mission in life is to change the statistic of divorce in the next three decade. Decades. My mission in life is to change the statistic of divorced men leading the suicide rate. That's my mission in life. That is what I'm after right now. And what I get to do every single day is I get to help people come out of some terrible places in life and get to a place where they start walking life as more than a conqueror. And now they're happy, they're pe. They're at peace within themselves. They got a lot more courage than they used to. They got a lot more strength than they used to. They walk in a lot more boldness. And so I get to talk about those things. Why? Because I was focused on a mission. And I want you to do the exact same thing. Focus on a mission, an emotionally compelling mission that is bigger and greater than yourself. So that when you talk and they act, so when they ask you about what you do, you come alive. It's like this, this new man just comes up and you're just like, man, this is what I do and this is why I do it. Now, obviously, in the dating scene, if you want to have a really good, successful dating experience, you got to learn how to create mystery. So you're not going to tell them all of that, like in the very get go. And it's not because you're trying to hide things or anything like that. No, no. It's just because you're more interested in serving them. You're more interested in them than you are yourself. This isn't games. This is actually you genuinely being more interested in that person than you are in yourself. And so right now, if your eyes are all on you, and what about me and what do I get and all this stuff, you're going to carry that into the dating scene. And so then whenever she does something, whether she says something playfully or not, you might start getting triggered because you've been so self absorbed in this season where you haven't been giving or serving. And so if you're in that place, then I want to encourage you to start serving. Find a way to serve, whether that be your parents, whether that be your friends, whether that be families, will that be in church. Find somewhere where you can go and just serve selflessly so that you start creating that dynamic in your life. And what you're going to notice is the moments where you serve and the places where you serve the most is where you have the most fulfillment. It's going to be the same thing in the dating scene. The next thing that I want you to know, brother, honestly, is that, that you have to understand that you're not going to go into the dating scene and just be like, okay, I've gone through all this. I've gotten so much breakthrough in my life and now I'm not going to have to do any work. No, the dating scene is going to be part of your breakthrough. It works together. Because in the dating scene, you're going to notice that maybe there's some triggers in you that still need some healing. And so the dating scene is going to help you create more breakthrough. So get your breakthrough now, but understand that you're also going to get breakthrough in dating, and then you're going to get more breakthrough in relationships, and then you're going to get even more breakthrough in your next marriage, okay? And so first and foremost, are you ready to give more than you are to receive? Make sure that you got that on lockdown. Second off, make sure that your life is in order. And third of all, make sure that you are a man on mission, okay? Because all those three qualities put together is going to prepare you to go out into the dating scene and actually have a really cool experience. But if you don't have those things, you're going to end up like most men after they go through a bad breakup or through a bad divorce, where they just think that women are garbage and that the dating scene sucks and they would rather just stay at home and watch Netflix all day. And I don't want that for you. So hopefully that helps you, brother. If this is your first time on this channel and you're watching this, consider subscribing. I do videos like this often. This video was actually sent to me. This topic was sent to me by somebody inside of my app. And so if you haven't downloaded my app, it's free. Go download it. The link is in the description and you can go over to the tab where it says ask, ask me a question. Tap on there, Give me a question that you're asking. Give me some context of your situation is kind of specific so that I can help you to the best of my ability. And so hopefully, hopefully, hopefully you download the app. Hopefully I get to make another video specifically for you and help you through whatever it is that you're going through. And again, guys, remember, you are more than a conqueror. Do not let anybody try and talk you out of that. God bless you.