How to Tell Your Kids About the Divorce - Honest and Compassionate Communication

If you're going through a divorce and you don't know how in the world you're going to tell your kids, this video is for you. Hey, conquerors. I want to jump straight into this. I had an incredible question that I feel is going to be so helpful for you. And so this is the question. Hey, Coach had a question that I thought you might have some advice on. I, I'm getting ready to break the news to my 5 year old about the divorce. Any specific ideas on how to handle a sensitive kid who's going to take this pretty hard? Now here's the thing. Our kids are going to take this hard. It doesn't matter how we lay it out, they're going to take it hard. But here's the thing that you should never do. Lie to them. Never lie to them. Kids are a lot smarter than we think, okay? So when you lie to them, I want you to think about what you're doing. Right. I just had a, one of my one on one clients, actually. Who? The therapist, their family therapist that was like working with them throughout everything was like, yeah, we just need to protect the kids. In other words, we just need to lie to them, right? Just so that they don't know the whole truth because they might not be ready for the whole truth and we don't know how they're going to handle that. And so he's working with me one on one and I told him the complete opposite. Tell them the truth, be honest with them. Don't give them any fluffy Duffy FairyTale make believe BS. Just trying to like, protect him because you're really going to hurt them in the long run. And what he noticed was that the more that they kept making up stories about, you know, why this is happening, the more stories he had to make up. You've got to continue. If you choose to lie to your kid to protect them, you're going to have to choose to lie to them over and over and over and over again. You know, when you don't got to make things up, when you're just honest, when you just give people the truth and yes, our kids can handle the truth. I, when I spoke to my daughter about what happened, I had to tell her the truth. I had to, because if not, I was going to have to lie to her later on. And I, I want us to really think about this, okay? What do you think is going to happen when you lie to your kids? What do you think is going to happen if, if you as an adult, if me as an adult, when, when Somebody lies to us on why they left. What? What did we do? We started to create narratives and stories in our head that made us feel like we're not enough and that we aren't worthy and that maybe it was our fault. You don't think your kids are going to do the exact same thing that you did? They're human. So the more you give them like madeup stories on why this happened, they. The more they're going to make up stories on why they're not enough. And maybe this had something to do with me. And then what happens? They end up being 16 years old. They resent you. They resent your co parent. Right. Because they feel like I was the problem. I'm the, I'm the one that caused all the issues. And you're like, no, no, no. Why did you think that? Why? Why did you ever think that? Because you never told them the truth. You never told them the truth. That this has nothing to do with them and what actually is happening. What is actually happening right now. I know that it seems like, man, well, if there was an affair, should I tell them about the affair? This is all I'm going to say. Tell them the truth the way you need to tell them the truth. Tell them the truth the way you need to tell them the truth. If you tell them the truth and your ex is the one that did something dishonoring. You are not dishonoring your ex by being honest about what they did. If anything, you're actually taking away from your excess potential to grow by hiding their truth. Okay, you didn't make them do that. You didn't make them go out and have an affair. You didn't make them do that. But you got to be honest with your kids. If you don't want to tell them about the affair, don't tell them about the affair. Just tell them, hey, that is for mommy or for daddy to explain to you on why. Why they chose to leave. But be honest about the fact that maybe you didn't want it to end. This is what my one on one client said, man, it was phenomenal. This is what he said. It was. It was so sick. I was so happy for them. Let me find the text message right now. Perfect. He said, I'm gonna make up the daughter's name to obviously help conceal the identity. We'll call her Julia, he said, Julia and I had a good conversation on our way home from therapy. I told her this was the thing I. I was scared of most in my life, which was real. She said, me Too. Guess what? She had somebody to now be in the trenches with her. Whereas before when he was lying to her, there was a difference in the relationship and he noticed it. They didn't want to talk to him. They were very shut off. He said that they like rode all the way to an amusement park which was like two hours away and it was just dead silent. They don't want to talk. Why? Because they thought that this is what he wanted. Also, they thought that him and his wife were in agreement that this is what they wanted. So the kids were like, we can't talk to dad because obviously he wanted this. So he's not going to know how to relate to me. So this is why she said, me too. Because she was like, oh my gosh, you. You feel the same way that I feel. She was able to relate with the pain now. Now guess what? A father, just by being honest, gave the daughter an escape. The to be able to connect and say, oh my gosh, I don't have to carry this weight on my own. Now I have somebody who relates. Think about how powerful that is. He said, that was real. She said, me too. Continues to surprise me how similar she and I are. And I told her, and now it's happening. We both sat there for a minute and then I added, and I'm still alive. I'm excited to model to her how we're going to have to lean on God and fight for the joy filled life we want to have. I said, wow, brother, how different did today feel since you were able to be sincere and truthful with Julia? He said, a whole new world. I'm telling you right now, the worst thing that you could do to your kid in this season is lie to them. The Bible does not say that, that the lie will set you free. It says the truth will set you free. The truth. Now you can be truthful and honoring to your ex. You can be truthful and not tell them what your ex did by simply saying, I think that is something that you're gonna have to talk to them about. And when they're ready to tell you that, then they can communicate that with you. But as for me, I want you to know that I had to do this in order to, especially the person that messaged this, that sent this message, I had to do this in order to protect you. And this is what happened to me. And this is what's going on with me and this is how I feel about it. And I want you to know I am here with you. I think the best thing that you could do with your kids is lie to them. If you BS them, your whole life will start to become a BS story because you will have to think of ways to continue the story because your kids are going to ask more questions. And I'm just telling you, if you had an opportunity to eliminate a lot of lies that go into their head, why wouldn't you take the opportunity to do that? That's what I would do. That's what I would highly recommend. There's a lot of individuals. I'm talking about hundreds of men and women now that I've helped walk through this. And the number one thing we always come back to is tell the truth. The truth is going to set you free, not the lie. So remember, it's not about what you say to your kids. It's how you say something to your kids because you can tell them the truth when. While dishonoring and villainizing the other parent. Don't do that. You don't want to be known as that parent. You don't want to be known. I have some individuals in my life right now that grew up in a broken home, and now they're adults and they're like, nude. I know. My mom tried screwing me over with my dad. They tried vin. I even forgot how to say the word now. Venalizing the villa. Villainizing. There we go. Villainizing my father. Or they tried villainizing my mother and they tried making them seem like they were the bad person. And now they hold resentment towards that individual because that individual came at them. Incorrect. Dude, I'm telling you. Move in authenticity. Move in truth. Move in love. Move in the best interest of your kid. And the best interest of your kid is never ever to lie to them. So hopefully this blessed you. Hopefully this helped you. If you want more specific help fill, feel free to join the conquerors community. You can download the app in the app store. Just search conquers community. Download the app. Get inside my private community. That is the fastest way to ask me for any tip, any advice. That is the fastest way to get breakthrough through whatever circumstances you're going through that revolves around divorce or dating after divorce. Okay? So you can get in there. Message me. Especially if you love this type of content. You love the way that I think, think you feel like me and you could enter into a mentorship relationship. I would love that. I would love to do life with you and navigate some of these very difficult seasons because trust me, I know it's not easy. But I've been there, done that. I got the result and now I'm helping hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of men and women do the exact same thing. And I hope that you're a part of it, too. God bless you, conqueror. I'll see you on the next video.