My Ex keeps lying about me - Divorce Recovery Coaching

Hey, I'm Coach Frank, a divorce recovery coach, and I help you conquer your heartbreak so that you can start living an incredible life again. And today I want to answer a question that one of the conquerors from my app sent in. If you don't know this yet, I have. I launched an app. It is the Divorce Recovery app. It's absolutely free. And in there you can send me a detailed question and I will respond with a video like this, helping you navigate what it is that you're going through. And so if you want to take advantage of that, make sure you download the app. The link is in the description. So today's question is actually really, really, well, really, really good. The question is this. I heard that my ex husband said that the only reason he married me was because I was pregnant and he just tried to do the right thing. Insert blonde face, face, palm emoji. This is such a lie. And when I heard it, I didn't even have the energy or it just didn't feel right to even explain how untrue that is it. And I just said that's not true. But that's all in the past. It's interesting. How do you. How do you know that if that's true or not? We can't speak to somebody else's truth, so that's interesting. However, I now find myself wanting to call him out on it, but I know there's no point in wasting my energy doing that. Very true. I find myself ruminating on it for way longer than I should. Well, you're wasting energy there. You shouldn't be ruminating on something that you can't control. We'll address that here in a little bit. I can't get over the fact of how shitty people can be, especially someone you once trusted and had two kids with and have to see and talk to occasionally. When it comes to kids drop off and pick up. Then I end up beating myself up because I'm like, why am I even bothered by a stupid lie of his? God only knows what else he has told his girlfriend and people. He has done so much to hurt me. Like when? Like, when does he get a slap in the face for being so wrong in so many ways? I don't get it. I try to do right by everyone, truly. And I feel as I am always the one to get burned. It's a hard place to be in. My heart goes out for you. For real. That's a tough place. Here's the thing with this, okay? With our exes talking crap about us, I remember In. In my process, in my journey, My ex did the same thing. My ex, actually, she had a pretty good little going on at this moment, and she went live and was painting me out to be some sort of abuser. Like, she literally said the words that, I'm just happy that me and my daughter are now in a safe environment. Never once raised my hand, anything of any sort of abuse. I was like, what in the world? I was getting messages from everybody telling me, bro, are you hearing what she's saying? She's pretty much saying that you used to beat her. Like, are you gonna address it? And I just remember in that moment, I responded in a different way. And this is what I want to offer to you. Okay, first off, I think that you were responding in a really, really healthy way when you were like, I don't even need to give any energy to this because I just know how untrue it is. Right? And first of all, we don't know how untrue it is. There might be some things that you know, and that's okay, but what really matters is not his truth. What matters is your truth. That's really what it is. At the end of the day, you have to decide what's more important. Is it more important to discover why he actually left, or is it more discovered to discover on your end why he actually left? Let me elaborate on that. We all usually wait for closure to come from somebody else. We want them to give us a reason on why they did what they did. And maybe you never got that closure, and maybe that's why now you're still expecting to find that real answer, and that's why this is bothering you a little bit. I think it goes a little bit deeper than that, and I'll share here in a second, but we can create our own closure. If. If you feel like that is a lie, then that's all that matters, is that you feel like, okay, this is a lie. I know why he was really there. And if he wasn't really there for those reasons, then that's on him. That's not on me. Right? The reason why that bothers us so much is because normally it makes us feel like we lived a lie. Now, here's a good rule of thumb for anyone that's watching this right now, and hopefully this is helping you. Specifically the person that send in this video. This. This question. We attach meaning to everything in life. And when we experience pleasure, it's because we make it mean something good about ourselves. When we experience pain, it's because we make it mean something bad about ourselves. And I can already tell that, even just in this question and the way that you asked it. You're making it mean that you were stupid. You're making it mean that maybe you were used. You're making it mean that maybe that was a waste of time. And you're. You're making it mean all these things. And I say that because you even said. I just keep. Let me see. Because I don't want to. I don't want to butcher what you said. There we go. Then I beat myself up because, like, why am I even bothered by a stupid lie of his? So you're beating yourself up. You're beating yourself up because he lied, and you're allowing yourself to get beat up and now you. Or. Or to be bothered by it. And now you're creating more pain on yourself by focusing on the fact that maybe I was dumb, maybe I was stupid. Why did I believe him? Or. Or maybe our marriage was a lie. Maybe I waste time. Right? Or maybe you're just making it mean that I'm dumb for even allowing this to bother me. I don't think that's going to help you because you're just creating more negative feelings within yourself. So I want you to find the meaning that you're attaching to this. Okay? Him lying like that, what does that mean to you? What. What does it mean about you? What does it mean about your. Your experience with him? And what could it mean about your future? What are you making that mean? When you discover what you're making it mean, I want you to start changing the meaning. Why does it have to mean that you were stupid? Why does it have to mean that? Why can't it mean that? You know what? I trusted somebody and I loved somebody fully, and they just didn't know how to receive it and handle it. And that's okay. That's okay. That's a them problem, not. Not a me problem at that point. And I think you were on the right track when you didn't even want to address it because you didn't want to waste that energy. But now you're wasting that energy obsessing on, why is he doing this? Who else could he be talking to? What else could he be saying? The fact of the matter is, is that time is on your side on this one, because time is going to be what slaps him in the face if he continues to live like this. Karma is a real thing. If he continues to live like this. Eventually what's going to happen is he's going to keep creating the same result in his life time and time again. But why are you waiting for vengeance? Why are you waiting for vengeance to start living your life? Why can't you just let him say what he wants to say? Why? Because you know what you experienced and you know what was true to you, and you know why he left. Why did he leave? Find the blessings on why he left, and you decide why it ended. You make that choice. Maybe God wanted me to be. Wanted me to be with somebody who was fully honest from the get go. Maybe God knew that we weren't really aligned and I compromised on some areas in my life just to be with this man. And now I don't have to compromise. I can find somebody who's fully aligned with me, and he released me from that for a reason. That. That could be another blessing on why it ended. You get to choose why this happened. Don't let your ex wait. Don't wait until your ex has to give you an explanation for it. No, you make the choice by digging a little bit, by doing a little bit of work. Okay. How is this actually a blessing for me? Ask yourself that question. How's this actually a blessing for me? How's this actually better for me? Do I really. Do I really think that I need to be with somebody who we shared such great experiences with, and then now that we're not together anymore, they're just trashing me? Like, maybe it's a blessing that you got released from that, too. So I want you to identify what it is that you're making this mean. And I like the way. I like the fact that you're still triggered by this because it means that there's still an area in your life that needs healing. There's still. There's still a meaning that you're attaching to his words that you need to resolve. And once you resolve that, you're going to feel way better. You're not going to be bothered by it. Like, I'll be honest, whenever my ex was saying all those things about me, it bothered me because I was like, how could you say that about me? How could you lie about me that way? Because it was painting me out to be a bad person. And then I came to the realization that the people that want to believe that don't belong in my life, and the people that don't believe it do belong in my life because they're going to know who I really am and they're going to see me as I really am. And that's really who I want around me anyways. Right. And the next thing that I would encourage you to do if you can, is I would just begin to draw some boundaries. Okay? I would decide what is your desired outcome. Yours, not his. What is your desired outcome? How do you want this co parenting thing to go and how do you want to be addressed and what will you not tolerate? Right now you can't control what he does, but you can control how you respond and you can control the people that you're connected to and you're. And you can control the conversations that people try and have with you about him that you can control. You can choose to tolerate it or you can choose to not tolerate it. So find out your desired outcome out of this. What is it that I want? And then begin to draw a blueprint for people. Hey, you know what? Look, you keep bringing me these things about him and I can't really change what he says. And so I would appreciate it if you didn't. If you have to bring things to me and you just continue to bring things to me that he's saying, then this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to stop the conversation. I'm going to leave the room. I'm going to whatever it is. You get to draw your boundaries the way you want to draw them to help direct people into the desired outcome that you want. But I think it's very important for you to find out what is it that I'm actually making this mean about myself? And this is what I want you to explore here for a second too. Okay? How would you want to feel in an ideal world? How would you want to feel if he continued to talk crap about you? How would you want to feel about him still talking crap about you when you decide how you want to feel about it in an ideal world? Maybe you want to feel peaceful. Maybe you want to feel unbothered. Maybe you want to feel indifferent. Maybe you want to even want to feel empathy. Then I want to ask you the follow along question. What would you need to believe about him and about that certain action to help you feel that, that emotion? And whatever comes to your mind, write it down, man. I would have to believe that he's just hurting and this is the only way that he can make himself feel better. Now that doesn't justify what he's doing at all. But maybe it gives you some peace to know that I'm not in the wrong here. It's not that I was a bad person. It's not that I wasn't good enough. It's just that this man simply does not know how to handle his own emotions and he's using a very stupid way to cope. Maybe that's something that you need to believe to free you from this. At the end of the day, I want you to know something, okay? If you're watching this, you have 100% control on how you feel by the actions of somebody. But it's not just going to happen by accident. You got to start leaning into it. Why is this actually bothering me me so much? What is the real reason why this is bothering me so much? And once you discover that, then we can begin to adjust the meaning that you're attaching to it. And when we change the meaning, we change the feeling. If you make it mean something bad about you, you're going to feel bad, you're going to feel angry, you're going to feel pissed, you're going to feel irritated and frustrated. But if you make it mean something good about you or something neutral about you, then you're going to experience a different feeling. Remember, this meaning always equals feeling. The meaning that you attach is going to directly affect the feeling that you experience in your body. And so if you want to get freedom from this, I want you to lean into some of the things that I just asked you to do. And I want you to spend more time focusing on how I can overcome this. How can I become unbothered by this? How can I accept that that's who he's going to be and I can't change him instead of why is he doing that and trying to figure out who he's talking to and what all he's saying to people, because that's just wasted energy. That's not helping you build the life that you want. So hopefully that helps you. If you have a question for me, please go go download the Divorce Recovery app. It's 100% free. You can send me a detailed question like this and I will respond with a coaching video. I like to call it almost like pocket coaching, because I get to coach you in your pocket and I want to hear from you. I want to help as many people as I possibly can because I know this process can be difficult. And so if your ex is talk crap about you, I want you to sit down, discover what is it that I'm actually making this. First of all, what am I feeling about this, really? And if you're angry, you might be feeling fear, shame, or hurt, because anger is a projection of those three emotions. And so Discover what you're feeling and then discover the question on the answer to the question of what am I making this mean about me, my future, me as a parent? And start writing down whatever comes out. You're going to realize you're probably making it mean something bad about you and you're talking crap to yourself. And then I want you to ask yourself, what would I need this to mean so that I can feel whatever emotion you want to feel about it? You want to feel peace? Then what do you have to believe about this? What's it got to mean for you to feel peace? Do that and I promise you're going to start getting breakthrough. And it doesn't matter what your ex says anymore. They can go and they can go and yap your mouth and you become unbothered because now your focus is on you growing, not on why are they doing this. I hope this blesses you. And if you, if this was helpful for you, make sure that you subscribe to the channel. Make sure you leave a comment down below. Just giving some feedback on how this was helpful for you. Share your story with people. If you need a community to help you through the process that you're going through, trust me, I know how difficult it is to go through it alone. So make sure that you download the divorce recovery app. Get in contact with these people. They're all going through the same thing that you're going through or similar situation. But we're all headed in the same direction. We want to be healed, we want to be whole. We want to live a life that's fulfilling and that we actually enjoy, not just be stuck in misery and constantly consumed in what our ex is saying about us. So hopefully this was a blessing to you. Make sure you just you subscribe to the channel and send it to anybody that you think it could help. God bless you.