Physically abusive Marriage Advice - Divorce Coach

Hey, welcome back to the channel. This is coach Frank Ortega. And today I have a rather sad email that I'm going to be going over. Just give this lady some advice. But I do have to warn you, it's a little graphic, but I'm going to do my best to help as much as I can as well as be sensitive to the situation. So the email says this. Hi there. I hope you read this and are able to respond. I married a man who I thought was sent to me from God himself after a failed relationship. We were married quite quickly. First mistake. Anybody that moves that fast, it just shows that they are not really, really wanting this thing to develop. And they're so quick to get together and get married that there's probably a lot of insecurity there where they don't want to be alone. So if you ever meet somebody that's really, really rushing things, that's an immediate red flag because it shows that they are not happy alone and that they need somebody to bring fulfillment for them or to them. And you don't want to be with somebody that you need to fulfill. You want to be with somebody that's self fulfilled and that can add to your fulfillment and vice versa. Anyways, so it says that I married him quite quickly, within a year of meeting. He was very abusive physically and emotionally as well as verbally. He broke my ribs, kicked me, punched me, slapped me over the head, threw things at me, told me how worthless I was, and etc. If a man, I have never met a man that beats a woman and loves himself, the number one thing to look out for here is you got to find a man that genuinely values himself because he values himself, he's going to value you and, and men vice versa. If there is a woman that does not value herself, she will not value you. I got one. A couple of my clients that have dealt with an abusive relationship where they're being beaten and they take this person back because they love them. Right? And I'm just, all I'm saying is that is a massive red flag that you need to look out for. As soon as something physical happens, you should be out the door because that person needs to work on themselves. Right? And so I just want to ask you what is the story that you're telling yourself that is keeping you in the relationship with this person? Are you telling yourself, man, there's no, nobody else is going to love me. This is probably what I deserve, right? You have to really ask yourself. I'm not saying that's what you're saying? I'm just saying you got to ask yourself, what's the story that I'm telling myself that's leading me to stay with such an abusive person? Because there's definitely something there. And until you change that story, you're going to end up ending up with the same kind of guy, the same kind of woman. Because at the end of the day, what we believe, what we think, right, the thoughts that are in our head about what we deserve, how we deserve it, or what's the best that it's going to get, we will begin to turn those into genuine beliefs. Just because they're thoughts doesn't mean we have to believe them. But if we keep thinking them, we will begin to believe them. And what we believe, we end up creating. And so I would say you need to really check and the story that you've been telling yourself about what you deserve and who you are and about this person, that's allowing you to kind of keep taking this person back. Because we'll see along this email, she actually ends up taking him back. It says that we split up in 2019 and he met someone within weeks. He begged me back after three months and we tried again during the next few months. I left three times as I couldn't deal with him having been with another person, as well as how abusive he was. Good for you. I left last September and he told and he met another person within weeks. Again, this is showing you that this man does not like being by himself because he does not value himself and he does not like himself. And that is not a healthy pattern, period. Women, men, look at this. If you see somebody who's moving from relationship to relationship, from person to person, it is because they are not okay by themselves. Which means they will never be a safe environment for you. Maybe not never, but until they get that stuff taken care of, they won't be able to offer a genuine relationship for anybody until they learn to have a relationship with themselves. So you got to learn how to have a relationship with yourself before you ever attempt stepping into a relationship. Or else all you're going to do is what's happening here. You're just going to end up hurting people left and right and hurting yourself and causing more trauma, more emotional pain. And you can work through that, but it's not going to take time. It's going to take hard, hard work. I left last year, September, and he met another person within weeks. She is still married. Just shows you who what kind of people he is attracting. Very low value women. I am still married to him. He's been living with her the past 10 months. Over the last three months he has begged me back four times. Promises to do things right, to live for God. Gosh man, when people use the God card, it really irritates me. Promises he loves me, tells me he's empty with her, etc, of course he's empty with her because he's empty with them within himself. And then I believe him and give him a chance and he leaves me again after just a few days. The last time he did this was a week ago and he promised it would be different and he would walk the walk and fight for our marriage. Four days later he told me he can't, he's not in it, she makes him a better person, etc. And he left again. How do I let him go? I feel so lost and so broken. First of all, I want to say I am so sorry that you are going through this. I do want to say that the number one way to begin to let him go is to do exactly what I said. You have to find out what that story is that you're telling yourself and you need to rewrite it into a good one. Because what you are believing that you deserve right now and what you are believing about this situation is so false and so evil that you don't deserve that. And no human in this earth deserves that. So you've got to rewrite that story. Write down what you believe that you deserve, what this story is telling you, right? What this situation is making you tell yourself, and then rewrite it in what you do want in a good way. And you have to start believing that other story, the good story, until you start believing it. This is going to be a vicious, vicious cycle. The next thing I want you to do is ask, is convince yourself that this situation isn't happening to you, it's happening for you. I'm a God fearing man, right? So believe that God is actually trying to use this situation to move you forward. The reason why all of this stuff went down is probably because God wants to free you from that and he wants to propel you into a, into, into a better relationship with yourself primarily and then with a future spouse. And so use this situation for you. Say, I'm glad it happened because now I'm learning that I am good enough. Now I'm. Now I get to do the hard work by myself, in myself, within myself, to really grow and be the wife that I want to be. And not just the wife, but be the person, the human that I Want to be and go out and create a life so beautiful where you love yourself so much and you value your. Yourself so much that it takes a very good man to come in front of you and grab your attention. You see, this is what we do so many times. We keep falling into these situations over and over again, over and over again, because we believe that it is what we deserve. We would never say that out loud, but here we believe it. So if you can change this, you'll begin to actually change the emotions and the feelings that drive you to. To action, which will then yield you a different result. But until you change that story that you're telling yourself, you're not going to be able to. To let. To let go of this man. So you got to change that story first. Please work on changing the story. Rewrite a good one and let that thing go. And also change this. It's not happening to you. It's happening for you, for your favor, for your good, and use that as fuel to build the greatest life that you could ever imagine and use this story as a testimony and be like, this brought me here, period. That's what I did with my divorce. When that situation happened. And pretty much anything that happens in my life, I try and use it for me, I say, no, this is to help me, this is to benefit me. This is to help me grow as a person. This is. This is just another building block on what I'm building in this life. And you have to have this. That perspective, period. There's one other thing that I want to tell you, and that is that you have to sit down and just journal everything about this man, everything that he's done, and then ask yourself, ask yourself, do I would right now, where I'm at in this place, would I logically choose to date this person and forget about your past history, forget about when you met and that image that you had that you created of him, Right? And think here, what I have right in front of me, would I still be with this person? And the answer should be no, right? And if the answer is no, then free yourself and say, you know what? I'm going to allow myself to not continue on this path. Why? Because the person that I used to love, he's not that person anymore. And this person that I'm seeing right now, I don't want that for me. I don't want that for my kids. I don't want that for anybody and choose to believe that. But until you rewrite your story and until you change it to this happened to me, to. This is happening for me. And until you rewrite who he is as a person and see him as who he is now and you choose, you're not going to be able to let him go. But I promise, if you do those three things, you will actually begin to feel way better in a week's time. It doesn't have to take that long. I've seen people get completely over their divorce within six months, but. Right. It doesn't have to take that long. You just have to be diligent in doing these practices that I just gave you daily. Whenever those emotions arise, make sure you let yourself feel them. Make sure you grief the death of that relationship, because that's what's happening. And then do the hard work and believe what you're writing and trust yourself. Right? We have the opportunity to choose the thoughts that we write. Choose to believe. Just because it comes into our head does not make it true. You have to challenge those thoughts. When that thought comes in at saying, well, this is probably what I deserve because I've let it happen time and time and time again. Challenge that and give yourself some compassion. Say no. Maybe I wanted true love and I have a very compassionate heart. So I kept giving this person a chance, but he ruined those chances. And I know what I deserve and I know my worth and choose to believe those thoughts. Right, because you don't have to accept the negative ones. You can create new positive thoughts that you get to choose to believe, which will then create new emotions and new feelings in you and yield a different action and a different result in your life. I genuinely help that. I genuinely hope that that helps. And if you need any more help, please feel free to schedule a one on one coaching call with me. I would love to help you walk through this process because you do need somebody's help to be walking through this with. Not a friend, because friends are very biased and friends usually don't tell us what we need to hear, they tell us what we want to hear. And so feel free to schedule a coaching call if you want. Also subscribe to the channel. Anybody who's watching this, I genuinely hope that it helps and share it with someone that's going through a similar situation because I really do believe that these exercises will help set anybody free that puts them to action.