Should I Get a Divorce? the Key to Finding Clarity and Empowerment

If you're struggling on whether or not you should get divorced, this video is for you. So for those of you that don't know and are new to the channel, something that I've been doing now is I've been doing email coaching. And so what we can do is if you have a situation that you want me to speak into, you can just send that over to adminonquerors.community and then I will respond with a YouTube video just like this, giving you my insight, my thoughts on the situation that you're going through. And so today we've got an interesting email that I want to cover. So the email says this. Ten years and three kids later, I went from not thinking I'd get divorced two months ago to finally filing two weeks ago. I've known him since I was 15 and I'm 29 right now. I've been mostly a stay at home mom, following him around with his big career. I don't know if it matters why I'm getting divorced at all. But I guess what I'm wondering is if I want divorce, why do I miss him when he's gone, but when he shows up, all I want to do is get away from him. The attraction is gone, but I still love him and I miss the company and I miss having a family. But again, I don't want him back and but I don't want to be divorced. Is this normal? I just love how like you're going back and forth, even just on the email. Am I being wishy washy? Well, you're obviously being wishy washy, but I think there's more to that. I don't think that's the problem. I hate, I hate that telling him that I don't want to be with him anymore hurts him so much. But then he does things to hurt me back and he chases away the doubt. But again, I can see I'm hurting him. Why do I care if I don't want to be married but I don't want to be divorced? I feel like I make no sense. Like I feel like I make no sense up or down. I have no emotional direction. I feel lost with too many emotions and not enough sense to explain to myself, let alone others, how I feel. I don't want to step stay, but I do go and I have hope I won't be sad forever. I don't want to stay, but how do I go and have hope that I won't be sad forever? So this is a really interesting email because there's a lot, There's a lot in here that we can take out of. And I'm sorry for the situation that you're going through, but there's, there's some things that I'm catching on here. The first thing that I want to, that I want to note on is you said I've been mostly a stay at home mom, following him around with his big career. What this tells me is that the way that you view life is that you're kind of lacking purpose in your life right now. Like you feel like you're just following him around in his big career and I'm just mostly a stay at home mom. If, if you continue to have that perception of your life, then you're going to always end up being sad because you're always focused on what's missing. This is what I'm noticing. The root of everything is that you're focused on what's missing. And our brain naturally goes in this direction. This is what most people don't understand. Our brain is wired in such a way to always find a problem. Okay? This is how we were designed because we are designed to be problem solvers. The problem is, is that when we don't know how to solve a problem and we don't get intentional about that and when we don't know what to do with a problem. So this is why we experience right before you get with somebody, you can see no wrong. And then when you get with that individual, what ends up happening? You see everything that's wrong with that individual. I mean, you start, you stop seeing the good or you see the good, but you kind of see it like, well, yeah, that's good. But they also this, this and this and this and that, right? And then what ends up happening? It's so interesting you even said it in this email is in this email you said, I don't know if this matters why I'm getting divorced at all. But I guess what I'm wondering is why, if I want to get divorced, do I miss him when he's gone, but when he shows back up, all I want to do is get away with it and away from him. So what you're saying is, hey, whenever he's not here, I focus on what's missing. So then I miss that. But whenever he is here, I focus on what else is missing, which is the things that he's not doing right. So I just can't stand to be around him. I don't think in this situation. And here's the thing, I don't know your whole situation because you didn't tell me if there was an affair. You didn't tell me if there's physical abuse. But. But it just sounds to me based off of what you're telling me. And all I can do is go off of the context that you give me, which is why I encourage you guys on these emails to give me as much context as you possibly can. Try and limit it to two paragraphs at least. Okay. Maximum. So what I'm noticing is that you consistently focusing on what's missing. Hey, I just keep following him in his big career again and his big career round, while I'm mostly just a stay at home mom. That's telling me that you feel like you're missing, missing something. And then when he's not around, you're focused on what's missing so you miss him. And then when he is around, you're focusing on the things that he's not doing as opposed to the things that he is doing. So then you're focusing again on what's. What's missing and then you're focusing on, well, I don't want to miss my family and I don't want to miss this. And how can the. The thing that you wanted at the end, the end result. You said, I don't want to stay, but how do I go and have hope that I won't be sad forever? What's creating your sadness isn't his actions. What's creating your sadness isn't the situation that you're in. What's creating your sadness is you. You're creating your sadness. You are consistently focusing on the things that are missing and the things that could go wrong. So much so that even though nothing is changing, you're experiencing sadness. I want you to notice this, right? Like whenever he's gone, your situation hasn't changed. The only thing that's shifted is that he's no longer there. Then you miss him and then he comes back and now all of a sudden the circumstance hasn't changed. You still want to leave, but now he's back and now you're focused on something else. So now you're experiencing something different. And you said something that really stood out to me here, which I think this is a huge problem. You said I have no emotional direction. This tells me that you like to make decisions based off of an emotion. That's not a good way to go. If you base your decisions off of your emotions, you're going to end up hurting yourself and hurting a lot of people that are Connected to you. The worst people in this world make decisions based off of their emotions. This is how we get people that do criminal like that do crimes. Okay? This is how you get men that take advantage of women. It's because they felt an emotion, so they were led by that emotion. You see what I'm saying? So it's not a good place to be. Here's what I would recommend to you. I would recommend not leaving right now because again, I don't know if there's any physical abuse or if there's been an affair. I would recommend learning how to be happy in the marriage because you leaving the marriage isn't going to make you happy. This is the idea that so many people get. If I can just leave, I'll be happy. But the only problem is that wherever you go, there you are. In other words, wherever you go, there's your focus of focusing on what's missing. There's your focus of always looking at what could go wrong. So whenever you leave the marriage, I'm telling you right now because I've helped hundreds and now thousands of people through this, as soon as you leave the marriage, your mind is going to go right back to the same thing that you've been training it to do. It's going to go back to what is missing. And then you're going to be sad again because you're focusing on what's missing. And then what's going to happen is you're going to go into another relationship and then you're going to get used to that person because at first they had what was missing, but then you get used to that person and you're going to go back to the patterns that you've been practicing so much, which is you're going to find what's missing in them, and then you're going to go get a career that you love. And then you thought that that's what was missing. So now you're in that career, but then you're going to find something else that's missing. This is the problem. This is what we need to course correct. I would challenge you in the season of your life. I'm telling you, look at what your husband brings to the table. Look at what he's doing for the family. Yeah, all his shortcomings are there. Like you said in the email, you said, you know, I realize that I'm hurting him, but then he does things to hurt me back. It's like, duh, you're hurting him. And humans naturally reciprocate what you make them feel. So how about if you don't want him to hurt you back and you don't want him to keep convincing you to leave, how about you start convincing yourself to stay by focusing on what's going right, by focusing on what he is doing on. By focusing on what you do have and appreciating those things. Because this thing is deeper than just your husband. I'm telling you right now, the problem that you're facing, the thing that's going to guarantee long term suffering and sadness is, is the pattern of consistently focusing on what's missing and when on what you don't have. That's the, that's the problem here. The problem isn't the individual and isn't the marriage. As far as what you've given me via context right now, I don't know if there's more here. I'm going off based off of what I know right now. But what I'm seeing is, I'm seeing an individual who is led by their emotions and who has very poor self discipline when it comes to their focus. And instead of appreciating the things that they do have, they're more focused on the things that they don't have. Therefore, you're creating your own misery and you think that he's the one that's creating it. You're creating it yourself. Whether you're with him or whether you're not with him, you're miserable. We saw that in your email. When he's not here, I feel this way. When he is here, I feel this way. Who's the common denominator in that situation? This is where we've got to look at ourselves. Okay guys, like I know that that's hard to hear, but I'm not here. Like people don't pay me to make them feel good. People pay me to tell them the truth so that they can have a life that's worth living and genuinely enjoyable. But here's the thing. Your life's not going to be enjoyable until you fix this pattern. Until you adjust this pattern. The moment you begin to adjust this pattern. This is why they say that 50% of people that get divorced regret getting, getting divorced. It's because of situations like this. We think that it's our partner that's creating the misery. But look at what happens. You're miserable when he's there, you're miserable when he's not there. You're miserable when he's gone, you're miserable when he comes back. He is not the problem. The problem is your Focus. It's time to start taking accountability for what you're doing, okay? And I'm telling you, if you can begin to do that right now, if you can begin to focus, okay, you know what? I'm going to stop focusing on what's missing, I promise you. Every time you feel off, every time you're suffering, if you ask yourself this question, you're going to notice, wow, I'm focusing on what's missing. Ask yourself this. Am I focusing on what's missing or am I focusing on what I have? I promise you. Just check yourself. This is a very simple tool that you can start using right now. Am I focusing on what's missing or am I focusing on what I have? If I focus on what's missing, I'm going to create suffering. If I focus on what I have, I'm going to create appreciation and gratitude. This is how you can change your own emotional state. You don't want to be led by emotions, but if you're going to be led by emotions, why not be led by a really good emotion, a powerful emotion, an emotion of gratitude, an emotion of appreciation. But if you keep leading this life just being led by your emotion, you're going to end up with multiple baby daddies. Okay? Like, this is what's going to end up happening. Or if you're a man, multiple baby mamas. Because, oh, when I met them, I felt like they were the one. But then my emotions shifted in the relationship, and now they're not the one. And then I get into another relationship and I feel the exact same way. And those people are not the problem. The problem is in here. What is it that I'm focusing on? And so if I can give you one thing today, I would say stop focusing on what you do not have. Start focusing on what you do have and conquer that. And when you conquer those emotions, when you conquer that pattern of focus, then make the decision, I'm not telling you what to do and what not to do, but I'm going to tell you right now, your misery is going to go when you do that, whether you have your husband or you don't have your husband. All I can say, though, is that when you don't have your husband, it's going to be a lot harder because now it's you by yourself, navigating a whole bunch of other problems that you've now introduced into your life and made the choice to create in your own life, right? So you're going to have to deal with a lot more. And if you get divorced. But you're still going to have to deal with this root issue. I know that you want me to give you enough hope to say, hey, you're not going to be sad forever. This is the best way that I can tell you to do that. This is the best way that I can tell you to do that is to start shifting your focus from what's missing to what you have. Again, guys, I hope this video helped you. If you're really struggling right now, even if you're in your marriage, then hopefully you apply these tools and and you start challenging yourself and taking self accountability and I promise you, you'll start turning your misery into joy and happiness and appreciation. And if you want me to help you on your specific problem, the fastest and easiest way to reach me is through the Conquerors community. You can get that in the description down below. Join the Conquerors Community. I'm very active in there. It's like my inner circle. That's my family. And so if you feel like, man, I love your videos. I love what you teach, I love how you teach, I love how you think. I, I feel like you are somebody that I would want to mentor me through this situation, then go ahead and get in there. I'd love to see you in there. That's the best way to reach me. But if not, and if you want some additional help, then go ahead and send me an email to adminonquerors.community Again, tell me what it is that you're struggling with in about one paragraph or two and then also tell me the result that you're wanting and how I can help you and I'll respond in this type of format. So Conquerors, I hope you have a blessed day and I'll see you on the next video. I'll.