The Negative effects of a Single Mother's Household

Sam.

Hey, what's going on, everybody? Yeah, sorry for that little suspenseful music. I need to get a custom countdown video for the next time that we do that.

Yeah, and super hype, too, like.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly, man. Yeah. I feel like people are going to start coming on here. Hey, as soon as you get on here, drop a comment so that we know that you're here. I can see there's one person viewing right now. There's also going to be left for a replay. And if you're in the Conquerors community, then the private community, then I'm going to post it in there as well. So that way we've got access to it at any given moment, easy access. You don't have to go searching through YouTube. It's right then and there in the community. So today, what I really wanted to do, I. I really wanted to have this tough conversation that I feel needs to be had, and I think a lot of people avoid it. But really, the. The reason why I wanted to bring on Coach V is because I trust her. I trust her. Her thoughts. I trust her perspective. I trust her view on life. Right. That's why she's part of the team. Right? And so I want us to really dive into this. And because honestly, she. She. She was a single mom for. For a little while, too. And so I think what. What better person to bring on to also chat through this than a single mom, Right? And so we're going to be chatting about the negative effects of a single mother's household on kids when they end up growing up as adults. Right? And here's why I want to do this before anybody clicks off, because I know that it can be a very triggering title. I'm believing in Jesus. Name that by the end of this video, by the end of this conversation, we're going to be able to equip you and empower you to begin to change that statistic so that you don't fall into that statistic. And I honestly, truly do believe that the individuals that are committed to meeting with me and Coach V every single week will not fall into this statistic. And because we can see it already, the way that they're mothering their children and the expression of their kids, and it's beautiful to see. Right? And I think we're going to tie all that in with. With one specific thing at the end of this call. So make sure that you stay tuned for that, because I don't want you to miss out. Jeanette. Hey. Good to see you here. Looks like we got Jeanette, right here. Awesome. Awesome. So any new comments that start coming in? Good. Start coming in. Yeah. Coach V is amazing. She is amazing. Awesome. So let's. Let's chat about this then. Okay. The negative effects of a single mother household on some kids. And Coach V. You. You went over that article. I'm gonna hit on these really quickly.

Yeah.

And then I just want you to kind of give us some. Some thoughts on this. Okay?

Yeah.

So here's the thing, okay. I want everyone to listen to this as facts.

Right.

Hey, let's put our feelings aside, because feelings are not facts. And if you allow the facts to dictate your feelings, then those facts control you. You don't control the facts. And I'm believing that life is. Life happens on its terms. And that's why some of us are in the place that we're at. Especially if you're a single mom. That's why you're in the place that you're at, because life happens on its terms. But I do believe that life can be experienced on our terms. And so some of these statistics that I want to read out, they've been documented. There's research behind them, and some of them are pretty horrifying. But I want you guys to bear with us, okay? So children that are brought up in a single mother's home are five times more likely to commit suicide. They're nine times more likely to drop out of high school, they are 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances, they are 14 times more likely to commit rape, they are 20 times more likely to end up in prison, and they are 32 times more likely to run away from home. Now, I think. I think we can be honest, right, Coach V? Like, that's some pretty. Some pretty scary stuff to look at. Like, when you first looked at these, and I know you said that you wrote a paper on this, but when you first started doing research on this, what was your initial take on it all?

Well, the first one for me personally, because my. My parents got divorced and I was raised by a single mom as well, for a long time, was, wow, I really left unscathed. Like, I made it, you know, a lot of that through the grace of God, obviously. But, yeah, the statistics are horrible. And I mean, you can just look at society today and really, I mean, just pinpoint which kids are coming from, like, the single family households or being raised by a mom, because the demeanor is right, the behavior is different. You see that they have a lot of behavioral issues, more anxiety, a lot more depression, or what I Like, to call more of, like, an outward expression. Like, these are the kids that kind of go for, like, the super radical, like, expression of clothing or makeup. And so like, just seeking that attention, like, constantly. And so even though the statistics are horrible, they're not. Not overcomerable. You know what I mean? Like, we can the statistics with how we choose to show up as mom problems.

Yeah, no, I 100 believe it. And, and this is why I wanted to bring this specific topic up, because I'm seeing a lot of, like, the red pill community right now when it comes down to relationships, using this. Like, they're using this as a weapon. And supposedly they say that they stand for families, but. And. And for the family household. But how are you going to say that and then just completely try and obliterate, like, single mothers? Because single mothers can still create a family. So can single dads.

Right.

And so I don't like that it's being used as a weapon. I think that these facts, we need to look at them. I think that it's very concerning. Right. Facts right here. But it's not about focusing so much on the problem, but on the potential solution. It's also not about avoiding the problem.

Right.

If we avoid the facts and we just choose to say, hey, I'm not going to believe that. That's not going to be me. And we don't take consideration of it, like, okay, what am I doing to overcome this? Then we might end up falling into those statistics. We might end up making that a fact in our life, and then it's going to be too late to change anything. So it's not about being ignorant. Ignorance is not bliss. Okay? Like, it's like I tell people all the time who are trying to heal from their divorce, and they're like, man, I just don't want to think about it. I'm like, good luck healing. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. I just. I want to stop thinking about my ex. Not gonna happen. Not gonna happen. You can run away from it as much as you want, but in jiu jitsu, you turn your back on someone, you get choked out. Yeah, real life is the same way. What's up? Pauline Anthony, Laura, Joseph, Kirkley. Good seeing you guys in here, man. Hope this blesses y'. All. So I want to talk about the solution then. Or actually, I want to talk. Yeah, I want to talk about the other article that I sent you, Coach V. And so could you kind of summarize quickly that second article that I sent you?

Oh, my gosh. It's Like a homework assignment. Live.

You are being graded on this, by the way.

Right. With my bum eye. Hang on. I'm sorry. My brain is, like, rambled with facts here right now. Also, I have to sneeze.

But go ahead. Go ahead and sneeze if you want. If you want to. I can kind of give my synopsis of it.

Give your synopsis. Okay.

So there's another article that the red pill community is not talking about. They're only talking about all the horrific things that could happen in a single mother's household. Right. Which are all facts and true, but they're not talking about what the solution could be. Now, there's this other article that was written. There was this other study that was done, and it was. It was. What they did was they took mothers and children, and they were seeing how affectionate the mothers were with the kids, and they graded them from, like, terrible to, like, extravagant. Right. And what they noticed was that later on, they interviewed these kids that grew up, and now they're in their 30s, so they're grown adults. And what they noticed was that the mothers that gave less physical affection and emotional affection, like, those adults, ended up struggling more with mental health, ended up struggling more with being social, ended up struggling more with keeping. In other words, those are the adults that fall into these statistics.

Yeah.

And it's because of a lack of affection is what's creating it. But then the kids that were, like, overly loved. Right. That were just affections. Exactly. That thing that everyone says, like, I don't love them too much. Like, well, there is. There is boundaries. Right. Like your kids tell you whenever it's like, as too much, especially when they're changing in age.

Yeah.

Right. I did a whole episode on this, on the Single Dads podcast where we talk about literally how kids are wired to change that way. So it's not that we're doing something bad as parents, and it's just that now they're in a season where they're testing us. That's just how they're wired. But what's so interesting is that at the end of the day, if the mom is super affectionate emotionally and physically to their child, those children, when they grew up to be adults, what they found was these were the ones that was the most successful. They had healthy careers. They did not struggle with mental health problems as much as the other ones did. Right. And they were very social. They loved their life, and they were just headed down the road of success. And so to me, wrapping up that entire article, I don't think the problem is a single mother's household. I think the problem is the lack of affection in a single mother's household. I think that's the root of it. And so if we want to begin to change the statistic, what I really do believe, if you're a single mom and you're listening to this right now, if you don't want your kid to fall into that statistic, I believe you gotta heal. That's what I believe. What do you believe, Coach V?

Yeah, absolutely. I think it really boils down to the way you decide to show up. I actually got a message today from some random person, but they were talking about she just got remarried. So she's been a single mom for a long time, but she just got remarried. So transitioning to a new home, and her son is starting to experience a high level of, like, separation anxiety and, like, not wanting to sleep in his bed anymore. Waking up, like, numerous times during the night. He's like 6 or 7. So this is not common to that age group at all. And I said, she's like, you know, what am I doing wrong? And I said, you're not doing anything wrong. He just needs more connection. He needs more love from you now because he's like, wait, everything is changing so quickly. Like, what do I do now? Like, where do I fit in in the picture?

Yes.

And it's very similar when you first get a divorce, right? Or you're first separated. If you weren't married, you just get separated. Your kids are used to the dynamic of having mom and dad. All of a sudden, mom and dad are not together. You just have mom. But what version of mom are they getting? The majority of the time they're getting crying mom, stressed out mom, ragey mom.

You know, the one that not present mom.

Yeah, the one that, like, you're there, right? Obviously, you're physically there, you're taking care of your kids, but mentally and emotionally, you're not there. You're drowning in your pain, and your kids see that. So it's one of the things that, like, a lot of moms are like, oh, well, my kids never see me cry. And I'm like, that's awesome. But they see you being crazy. You what?

I mean, like, yeah, and they feel the energy. Energy is transferred.

Yeah, they definitely feel your energy. And so I feel like you're 100. Right? The only way to. To kind of change the. The statistics around this is to heal yourself and walk that journey out. And there's nothing wrong. And I. And I say this wholeheartedly. I don't think there's anything wrong with showing emotions to your children, but I think that you have to show the end of the emotion. You know what I mean? Like, if you're only showing them all the anger or all the sadness and none of the healing and of the process, then you're doing them a disservice because that's how they learn from you. So when you tie back the statistics of like, they suffer from more anxiety, they suffer from more depression, you have to ask yourself, why? Is it just because it's a mom? No, it's because you haven't wrapped up that emotion. You haven't shown them how to navigate their own emotions because you can't navigate yours. That emotional regulation piece right now in general for everybody, but especially for a single mother is absolutely critical to the health of your kids. Because if you can't show them how to process their emotions, then of course it always leads to anxiety, depression, promiscuity. Like all the things that are coming up in these statistics, they really happen because I'm not going to say because of you, but also because of you. Because as a mother, you're the one who's responsible. Especially in a single mom household. You're creating that culture, you're creating that environment, you're showing them how to relate to the world. And if the only relationship they have is that the world is pain, then that's how they approach it.

Yeah, no, that's so good. That's so true. There's another layer that I want to hit on and that other layer is going to be keeping the dad away. And I will hit on that here in a little bit. And because that, that definitely affects kids as well. And there's a lot of bitter. The women that try and keep the kids away from the father are usually the ones that are still hurt. Again, it comes back down to the same thing. Hurt moms hurt children, just like hurt dads hurt children. But healed mothers will heal children and healed fathers heal children too. Right. So I think that's another layer that we need to like dive into a little bit. Right. That kind of is a byproduct of not healing, but it's so true. Like, this is why, the reason that, this is why that self love movement really pisses me off, the toxic one, because it's like, oh, it's all about me. I'm in the me season. What am I doing for me? For me, for me? Well, it's not what are you doing for you? It's it's. What are you doing for you that is actually for your legacy, because if it's only for you, there's no power there. You'll quit as soon as it gets hard. But if it's for something bigger than yourself, I'm talking about if we could really carry the weight of. Of what our kids are going to endure because we do not choose to transform. Right. My coach said this, and it was such a powerful way that he laid it out. He said what? You don't transform in the season. You will transfer in the next season. And so I want us to get a visual of this. Like, if you're a single mom right now and you are still bitter and you are still angry, or you're trying to trick yourself into saying, I'm good, but really in the back of your mind, you're like, f my baby daddy. There's something that needs to be done in that moment. Yeah. We got Pauline here, right? And we got Laura here. And we. We got so. And Jeanette. We got these incredible women here. And I know. I know for a fact, Pauline, it has healed. And she. This. She will not fall into the statistic. Why? Because she goes. She goes into a. A situation with her ex and she starts ministering to him and loving on him. A woman that hates their ex can't do that.

Right?

Guess what? That transfers energy to the child. Why? Because I might be at home right now and I'm present with you, and there's genuine joy that you can feel from my heart that's being transferred to you. This is why when we meet somebody for the first time, it's like, oh, man, I feel like this person's up to something. Like their energy is off. Well, you think your kids don't feel that, right? You think your kids aren't like, man, something's off with mom, and then this is what happens. It's just like when you got dropped by your ex. What's the first thing we do? We make all of it mean something about us.

Yeah.

I must not be good enough. I must be broken. I must not be worthy. What did I do wrong? All these different things. What do you think our kids do, man, Mom's not doing good. What am I not doing? Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy enough? Why is mom not happy? Am I not enough to make mom happy? And this is where parent wounds begin to develop. And so now they do everything in their power to parent the parent, because the parent doesn't have enough tenacity in them. Enough Fight in them to say, hey, you know what? I'm going to transform in this season. The pain that I'm experiencing. I will transform it into power. And I refuse, refuse, refuse to transfer it.

That's so good.

You feel me on that, Coach V?

I do, yeah.

Y' all drop in the comments, man. I see right here, Laura said, heck, no. We are parenting these monkeys together. Still our circus. Even if there are two tents. I love that. Yeah, that's powerful. Yeah, that's so powerful. Anthony said, many try to be the father in doing so, give less love. Exactly. Exactly. Let the dad be the dad. I'm. There's nothing more frustrating than. Than women celebrating Father's Day for themselves. Like, you're not a dad. Yeah, you're. You're not. Unless you're, like, one of those people who's just like, oh, I identify. Which at that point, that's completely up to you. You're still not a dad.

You're still not a dad. Let's be clear.

Yeah, you. You were not wired for that. It's. It's the beauty between, like, truth and grace, man. The father brings the truth, the mother brings the grace. That's why that study I sent you, it didn't say how much the father was emotionally affectionate towards the child. Notice that?

Yeah.

It said the mother. Why? Because the mother is the nurturer. So go in on that a little bit, Coach V. Yeah.

So we were talking about this a little earlier, but when you talk about some of these statistics and kind of like what Anthony said, like a mother trying to be a father, like, you can't be something you were never created to be. You were created just to be the mom. And just. I say just lightly, like, it's not a big deal. It's a massive deal. The characteristics of a female and what a female contributes to her children is, you know, it's epic. You know, like, a guy can't be what you are, you know? And so the idea of, like, mom's like, well, I have to be the mom and the dad. Like, it's impossible. And the fact that you're trying to do that is the reason why you're actually failing as a mom at the moment, because you need to. You really need to go all in on what a female strength is. And it is the nurture. It is the connection. It is the emotional connection. It is the innate ability to bond with the baby you created in your belly that you've been, you know, you carried around the bond of a mother. Like, and I'M not saying a bond of a. I'm not a dad, I don't know. But I'm going to tell you wholeheartedly as a mom, like, the bond that I have with my daughter is insane. Like, I like our new bedroom is all the way over here. I could hear if my daughter is just like a whimper, like something really, really soft. And I mean, it could be like 2 o' clock in the. My eyes are, boom, open. You know, like there's such an innate connection between a mother and her child. And I feel like, and I can say this from my experience when I first became a single mom. I feel like a lot of that connection was lost because I was in pain, because I was struggling to manage my emotions. And the cries, instead of wanting to comfort, it became some more of an annoyance. It became more of a. I was resentful. I'm like, why do I always have to take care of this? Why do I always have to be upset? And listen, I'm not the only person, because I hear this all the time from women where you are resentful that you're the person waking up, you know, every three hours or when the kids come back from a weekend with their dad and you have to deal with all the anger, the emotions and the outbursts from the transition, which is normal to them, but you're resentful of that as well. And so then it turns back into, well, you know what, I just don't think it's a good idea for them to see you because. But why? The reason has nothing to do with your kid. It has to do with you. I don't want to have, I don't want to have to deal with the bad behavior. And you know, if you're there, like, I'm not judging you, but what I am saying is that it's normal. You see this and now it's time to transition out of this because it's not healthy behavior. And so there's a lot of research on what they.

Just because it's normal, it doesn't mean it has to continue to be your normal.

Right.

Like, hey, there's no shame here. I mean, everyone who's on these coaching calls that we do every single week, everyone who's so committed to their future, to their kids future, to their legacy, who's willing to be all in and come in and iron, sharpen iron on these calls, Every one of those individuals acknowledge the facts, but then they focus on where they want to go.

Yeah.

Because we can't just acknowledge that. Okay. Well, it's normal that I'm experiencing this. Yes, it is. But what do you want to do with it now? Because if you're just okay with normal, then you're going to fall into these statistics because you're showing up average. Sorry, Keep going.

No, you're totally right. And so, yeah, when I say normal, that's not a blanket. That's not your excuse ticket here. You know, What I'm saying is so just for context, when I say the word normal, it's so you don't feel, like, ostracized. Like, you're the only person in the world who's ever dealt with this, you know, Because I. I feel like that's a very isolating feeling, you know, so normal is more, like, inclusive of, like, this is like a collective experience for the single mom. And it is. And so. But yeah, like you said, like, just because it's normal doesn't mean you should accept it. And so I'm thankful. And, you know, this is what the beautiful part about this community is, is that you do have people that are going to call you out, you know, on your stuff. And in a very loving but also challenging way. Like, I like to say I'm going to push you into a really hard place, but you're to love me after you get through it. You know what I'm saying? But you have to be available to do the work, especially when it comes to your kids, because they are the people that are the most affected by this. And so, you know, that resentment that's building and all of that stuff, as it comes out to your children, it's actually coming out as rejection to them. Yeah, it's actually coming out as, like, okay, you know, you're too much for me. I don't want to handle you. I don't want to deal with you. Go with your dad. Call your dad. Or the converse. Some people are, like, I say hoarding, but I know that's not the word, but, like, they kind of become hoarders of their children, you know, like, they're like, no, no, no, you gotta stay with me because mama's gonna keep you safe. And yeah, like, the overbearing mom kind of vibes, you know?

Yeah.

Like, she won't let you do nothing. And. And those are not okay either. And I understand that that's your way of loving your child. But, like, like I say, it's like, this is where you have to really take inventory of, like, what's in your heart. Like, why am I actually doing this? And when you Actually get down to the root of all of it. The majority, like, the majority of people are actually feeling a lot of fear. Fear of being replaced. Fear of them liking daddy more than mommy. And then again, that resentment comes right back up. You know, you're like, oh, I'm scared. Wait, let's go back to this level over here. And then you're like, oh, well, you know, how come I don't get to be the fun mom? I. I'm gonna say that was one of my arguments in my own head, okay? Because I'm super fun and I'm very playful. And so I'm like, damn, like, my whole life, I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be the playful mom that's like jumping off beds and, like, doing flips and somersaults everywhere. And I'm over here picking up toys, cleaning. Like, I don't even have time to play with my kids, you know? And so it became a thing where, because I had a good community around me and Ryan, that I was able. I had somebody call me out. You know what I mean? You're really ragey, actually. You know, like, you're. You're loving, but you're also ragey, you know? And I'm like, oh, okay, I like that. Yeah. Like, no, but like, it kind of hurt my feelings, but, like, in the best way, because I was like, well, how. Like, I thought about. I was like, how long have I been this. How long have I been raging? How long has Nava. That's my daughter's name. How long is Nava seen raginess in me? And then I was like, I don't want to be that person. So how do I do it? You know, how do I transition from this? And this is kind of like, I guess where we're all leading you here to is that you don't have to remain where you are. There is a better way. And you have to decide what are those things that you specifically are dealing with? For me, it was rage. I had postpartum anxiety, and so it manifested as, like, extreme rage and anger, which is also very common, very under diagnosed, and it can last five plus years if y' all didn't know that. So that's exciting. But. But it's not an excuse. That's what I'm saying. It's not an excuse because, you know, like Frank always says, and it's. Honestly, it's like one of my favorite things. I might just get it tattooed. But life is experienced. No, you experience life on. It's no life.

Life Happens on its terms, but we experience it on our terms.

Yes, this is my favorite thing. And I say it right every day, except for today. But, yeah, it's one of my favorite things, if you want to know why. Because it convicts me every single day. Because I get approached or I have, like, a hard day with my kid or whatever it is, and then I'm like, wait, I actually get to decide who I get to be in this moment, how I get to show up. Like, it's not just going to come at me. Like, something might be getting thrown at you, like, as a single mom, but you still get to decide who do I want to be in this moment? And you have to be so committed to that new version of you, the new mom, the new woman, whatever it is that you're trying to become in that moment, that it doesn't matter what. What's happening with baby daddy. It doesn't matter what's happening with the ex. It doesn't matter what's happening with the kids. You already resolved in your heart and your mind that this is the way I'm going to show up regardless.

That's so good.

Yeah. And so I think that's a very powerful stance that as a woman and as a single mom, you can do for your kids, because, again, that's also teaching them the emotional regulation piece of, like, oh, my God, like, mom just totaled her car. And she's not losing it. She's not raging. She's. You know what I mean? Like, she's solid. She's like, okay, it's all right, you know, and really, like, the mentality of everything is really happening for you, and I just can't express this enough to people to get them to the point where they actually believe it. But for real, like, everything.

That's why I got an exercise for it.

Yeah. Everything is really happening for you. And you just have to choose to, like, lean in and be like, what am I learning here? What can I learn here? How do I level up, you know, as a person here? And I'm telling you, like, I am not, you know, the most amazing mom by any stretch of the imagination. But what I will say, well, thank you. But what I would say about myself is that, like, I've. I've looked myself in the mirror and decided I'm not going to be that. I'm not going to perpetuate what I've seen, you know, historically in my family and my bloodline, the Latina toxica, you know, like, I'm not going to be. Be that you know, and not because I hate them or I have any anger or anything towards anybody in my family. It was just that I remember how it didn't serve me as a child. And so I'm going to show up for a way that's going to serve my kid. Have you guys heard of the. The thing? It's like you're parenting yourself.

Yeah.

Okay. So for real, for real, my child is my mini, like, literally. Literally. I mean, she's Catty Cathy, like, just like me, and just like big personality, but super, super sensitive, like, just like her mama. And I'm just like. The minute you realize and you take the moment to take inventory of your child's personality, you will be a better parent because you'll understand them more. And so take that time. Even though you're in pain, even though you know stuff is happening, take the time to connect, to connect with, bond with them. Get down on their level. Find something that's special just for you two. Or if you have multiple children. I do always say this, though. If you do have multiple children, try to carve out time for them individually because it's also really important for them to connect with you by yourself and get that special bond started. But you, you just have to make it work. You know what I'm saying? There's no more time. You know, you only get like 17 summers or 18 summers with them. One high school graduation, one middle school, one kindergarten. Like, when you. It down into the amount of time that you. You think you have, you realize that it's like. It's like this. You have a sliver of time to make all the impact. So why waste it drowning in your pain when you can join something like what we're doing here, okay, And. And heal it. Healing doesn't have to be 10 years. Like, it's ridiculous. The amount of breakthrough you could experience in a day that will say serve you for, like, the rest of your life is, like, absolutely insane. Yeah, I just chatted away. Go, friend.

It's funny because Tony Robbins said this once, and it had me cracking up. And he was talking about how men can also experience multiple breakthroughs. And he, like, started winking, talking about orgasms. And it's true, though. Like, everybody can experience breakthrough. And this is where I love what you were talking about, how we've got to look in the mirror. Look, look. We just have to be honest about the facts. And, and I. And I cover this in the conqueror's keys. And that's why I developed that system, because normally we look at the facts. And then we got emotions that are attached to the facts, those feelings that are attached to it. And we think that's truth.

Right.

But it's. But it's not. Is not. And this is why the Bible is so clear when it says to take every thought captive. Why? Because if you don't, your mind will take you captive. Yeah. I will not be captive to anybody. I am a son of God, man. I got royalty flowing through my veins. I am not a slave to anybody. If anything, I am a master. And I am a creator. And my brain will not create my life. I will tell it what kind of life I want to create. It will not create my emotions. I will tell it what kind of emotions I want to create. Because we need to be more focused on where we want to be as opposed to where we're at. Period. Like, period. And it's so true. We got to take the time to look in the mirror. But most people are afraid to look in the mirror, and I want to try and kill that fear off of you today. Most people are afraid to look in the mirror because you're going to come. You're going to come to the facts that are. You have not been operating at 100%.

Yeah.

You have not been operating at your true potential. You have not. You. You are going to recognize probably that, wow, I am not the parent that I wanted to be. And we have. We have different types of individuals, but the beauty is that you can always make the crossover to the. To the powerful individual. We've got individuals that love attention. These are the people that are, like, on my comments for the past two years that they've been following me saying, I just need help. I'm struggling so hard. I just need. I'm like, we've been here. We've been here. The people who take action, these are the people that get breakthrough in their lives. These are the people, like all these incredible humans that you're seeing comment right now, like Laura and Pauline and Jeanette and Anthony and Coach V. These are the people who say, you know what? I recognize that I'm here, but I also am willing to not stay here.

Yeah.

What do I need to do? Am I willing to do what's required to get to where I want to get to? And I use this analogy all the time. If you're driving down the road and you're focused on the ditch, you're going to end up in the ditch. So if you're taking this video and you're obsessing over the simple fact That a child that's coming out of a single mother household is 5 times more likely to commit suicide, 9 times more likely to drop out of high school, 10 times more likely to use abuse, to abuse chemical substances, 14 times more likely to commit rape, 20 times more likely to end up in prison. If you're, if you're going to become obsessed with these statistics and just focus on them, you will end up there.

Yeah.

So we got to give ourselves a new target to hit the most successful people in the world. This is why I don't work with people who don't want. Don't know where they want to end up. One of the calls that I. One of that questions that I ask in my qualification calls is, where do you want to be? What do you want? I don't know. I don't know. I'm like, you need to get clear then. Because if you're not clear on where you want to go, I can't help lead you there. I can't help guide you there. God can't even help you. You got to know where you want to go. This is why it says, fix your eyes on the author and perfect your faith. It's like, you got to have some sense of direction, man, where you're trying to hit. And so focus more on what kind of mom do you want to be. Yeah, not what single mom have I been. This goes for single dads too, y'. All. Here's the thing. Y' all want to be the fun mom. And you guys say that the dad's always the fun dad. The dads are the strictest dads. It's in their nature to be strict. It's in their nature to be stern. Like, it's just. It just is. Hey, don't touch that. Drop it. It's in their nature. But. But then a lot of them are also really fun. There's also some that are miserable dads. Right? It goes on both spectrums, right? And so if you want to be the fun mom, that doesn't mean that you can't discipline.

Yeah. Even.

Even the article I sent you, right? It talks about how when you discipline, bring affection into the discipline. I'll never forget. I've. I've only had to hit my daughter one time. One time. And I mean, I smacked the crap out of her hand. She did something. And with a calm voice, I said, baby, if you do that again, I'm going to have to smack your hand. So guess what she did? She did it again. Testing me. So I had to follow through because I'm a man of my word. What I do. I mean, I grabbed her hand and I just. I mean, to the point where my mom started tearing up. Like, I just smacked the crap. Not. Not these little, like, smacks. No, I mean, I smacked her hand and I told her. I was like, baby, I asked you not to do that again. So I had to.

To do that.

Okay, I don't want to do that. And then I hugged her and I told her. I was like, I love you, but I want you to listen because when I ask you to do something, it's for your own good.

Yeah.

And so I brought her about. Now, have I had a lot of, like, every moment like that? No. But thankfully, I haven't had to discipline her in that way anymore. Right. And so it's. What kind of father do you want to be? I know that my dad used to smack the crap out of me and kick me bad. Right. Pretty much beat me. And there was never any affection with it. I just thought he just didn't like me and that's why he was.

Yeah.

But it's like, if we can. If we can focus on how do I want to be, we will begin to take steps to get there. And do you. Are you willing to do what's required to get there?

Yeah.

Are you willing to, you know. You know what really loving our kids looks like? Like being honest with ourselves and admitting, hey, I need some help.

Help?

Yeah, I need some help navigating this. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I've tried church groups. I've tried, like, healing room. I've tried counselors, I've tried therapists. I feel like nothing is working. And it's like, well, yeah, it's because normally people go immediately to, well, try this, try this, try this, try this. But when you address the root and you no longer hate your ex, you no longer hate your baby daddy, you're no longer angry towards them, you naturally become a more feminine woman, which makes you a nurturing mother. Naturally. Right. Going back to the. Focusing for. On the. On yourself, not on the people. Not on or not on. Yeah, focusing on yourself, not on anything else. ET the hip hop preacher said this. He said, we need to be looking at ourselves in the mirror, not looking through a window. Because when you look through a window, you see everybody's life and you see what's going on, and all you're doing is comparing. And this is when we fall into the victim mentality. And it's just, woe is me woe is me. Woe is me. But when you look in the mirror. Now I know what I'm working with, right? Let's just use a physical analogy. If you're trying to lose some weight, look in the mirror, right? Then be honest with yourself, okay? Do I need to lose some weight or do I actually feel really good about how I'm looking right now? Right? And everyone's in different stages of this, but it's the people who look at themselves. They're like, I can't stand the way that I look. I can't believe I'm like this. I can't believe I let myself get to this place. They stay there, they stay there. They stay there, they stay there. It's the people that look at themselves and they're like, dude, I want to do better for me. Not because I'm trying to change me, but because I love me enough to grow, right? We love our kids enough to grow. Do we love our kids enough to humble ourselves and to begin to kill our ego and to begin to practice forgiveness? Because forgiveness is practiced. You don't just wake up one day and you forgave. Like I ask people all the time, what took you so long to jump into the coaching group? Well, I thought I was going to just wake up one day and feel better.

Oh, my God.

One day never came, right? 1. One day never came. And so we've got to begin to heal the root of the problem, man. Because I'm telling y', all, testimony on top of testimony. If you can just stop hating your ex and truly learn to forgive and heal and forgive yourself, too, you're going to show up as a better mom, as a more affectionate mom, not even forget better mom. You're going to show up as the mom that God designed you to be, the mother that you were always capable of being, the mother that God has seen you be, you're going to show up as that individual. But until you release all these things, all these. All this bitterness, all this resentment, all this anger, until you learn to deal with your emotions and experience them in a healthy way, we are going to set up our kids for failure, or we're going to set up our kids to run to another individual so that they can help them. And I'm sorry, I don't want my little girl to look up more to Tom, to, like, Tom Brady and Connor McGregor and all these icons, right? I don't want her to look up more to those individuals than she looks up to me. So I'm willing to do what's required so that my little girl looks up to papa, because that's what she calls me. And she's like, like, man, he was the greatest example I could ever see. He was the one that led the way for me, man. I just remember seeing him going through the hardest seasons, especially when they get older. When they get older, y', all, they're going to recognize that you went through something extremely difficult. The first time they get their heart broken and they recognize that you went through a divorce, they're gonna be like, how did you do it? How did you do it? Or are they gonna say, like, I'm just gonna keep doing what Mom's doing. I'm just gonna keep being bitter. I'm not gonna trust any man. I'm never gonna trust. I'm never gonna allow myself to get hurt again. So now they become like this old lady that lives with nine cats. Why? Because she chased certainty more than she chased love and connection. Because she would rather feel certain that she would never get hurt than become resilient and have a blueprint of what resilience looks like in the household. To say, I can overcome anything that I go through through Christ. Jesus. Why? Because I saw mom, or if you're a single dad, because I saw my pops do it. It didn't break them. Go in on that. Coach V. Yeah.

I mean, it's. My God. I can't. It's just too much. My heart, like, wants to explode. Like, honestly. Because it's just so true, guys. Like, I was thinking about something while you were talking. You know, when it comes to actually dealing with parenting your child in real time and knowing the statistics, knowing what you're dealing with, looking in the mirror, all of these things, putting it all together, I want to say something that I think maybe is not so popular, but also very. Something that really changed my entire life as a single mom was the fact that I decided, I can't do this by myself. And you're probably. But you are doing this by yourself, right? Because you're a single mom. But I'm like, I can't do this by myself. And so I decided to take God at his word. That's a real thing for me. I decided to take God at his word. And I was like, holy Spirit, I need you to help me be the mom you created me to be. Because right now, I don't want to. Right? Or right now I'm hurt. Or right now, for me, majority of the time, it was just sheer absolute exhaustion. I mean, my kid just struggled with sleep Forever. And so I had a lot of like the emotional breakdown, the physical breakdown of just exhaustion. But I decided, you know what? I'm not going to make excuses for myself anymore. I'm going to figure this one out. You know, like one of the things was, you know, for like people who do like that, what is it called, the miracle morning where you wake up at 5am and you have like a whole schedule before your kids get up. I remember I've read the book like three times and just thinking, I'm like, how the hell am I ever gonna do this? Like, this is impossible. This is absolutely impossible. I cannot do this, guys. You can or cannot do anything you say.

That's very true.

And I kept telling myself, there's no way I'll wake up at 5 o' clock in the morning. Guys. I wake up at 5 o' clock in the morning. Like it's like breakfast time like every day. I'm just like, hey, it's five, let's go. You know, like, ready to take on the day. But I kept making excuses. And when it came down to parenting my daughter and having the rage or whatever the feelings were, I just decided I'm going to draw the line. Like, that's it. I'm drawing the line. This is not how I'm going to show up. And if I show up like that again tomorrow, I'm going to apologize. I think it's huge to apologize to your children. I would apologize to my daughter. I would pray, you know, and I just kept inviting the holy spirit, like, teach me how to do this better. Show me where, where it still hurts for me. Because sometimes, you know, as women during this season, there's a lot of stuff stuffing going on. There really is. You know, you're just. Because you're in survival mode, you are, you're stuffing all the feelings, you're stuffing all the emotions. You're just like, well, I just got to get them to school or I just got to get them fed. You know, I was a single mom from the onset, so me is like, well, I just gotta like feed my baby, figure out how to make more milk. Like, you know, whatever it is that's causing you the stress, it's real to you, right? We're not minimizing any of those things because it's real. But what I'm saying is that you can also overcome it. Yeah, it's not something that you. You can let yourself drown if you want to. But I remember I heard a sermon series which really just transformed my life. I used to listen to it on road trips all the time because it was very, very long. But it was called, it was talking about how long will you mourn? And it was talking about Samuel when he had king, you know, and he didn't want to do it, right? Why? This is why he didn't want to do it. Because the whole time he's thinking, well, everybody's going to think I'm not a prophet because now I'm anointing somebody else. Everybody's going to think I'm dumb. Everybody's going to think I didn't really hear God. You know, he had all of these things going on in his head when God was like, how long are you going to mourn this anoint? So good king, right? But so let's take that into our, the context of our own lives. Like, we're not anointing a new king, but you're anointing a new season over your life. So we need to stop mourning this season over here. Focusing so much on the pain, focusing so much on all the things, and anoint the new season, which you can come out better from, you will come out stronger from. But you do have to show up for it. You know, it, it just doesn't just happen. Like, and this is, it's probably your frustration too, Frank, where you're just looking at people, they're like, well, just give me the answer. And I was like, it was. It won't help you. I can tell you the answer. But you still got to do it. You know what I mean? Like, you still actually have to show up and do the work for yourself. And the work is being honest with yourself. Guess what? It's week two and I'm still a raging lunatic. You know what I mean? It's like, why am I a raging lunatic? And get very practical with this. If you're a person who's struggling with rage, get very practical about your rage in the sense of like, why? What causes me to be ragey? What's happening? What's my emotional state? Have I slept? Have I eaten? Have I had a ton of caffeine? Because with women, women are different, right? We were on a 28 day cycle. We're not built like men. So very different. Lots of hormones are moving at all times and we. This is something that needs to be acknowledged.

Careful. There's not enough science to prove that women are not built like men nowadays, okay?

Oh, that's right. Sorry if that offensive.

That's why, that's why men keep winning all the women's Events. But that. That's neither here nor there. Right, Whatever.

But what I'm saying is that. Start paying attention. Why are these feelings coming up? Because I think this is actually how you move through them, is figuring out, okay, I'm ragey. Why, you know, like, am I about to get my beard? Am I coming off my period? You know, have I not slept? The caffeine, all of these things. And whatever the emotions are when you get triggered by your ex, why is this triggering me? If you cannot get down to the root of why these things are happening, how do you fix them? You don't, because you're not taking the time to figure out why it's even happening.

Yeah.

And it's not this obsessive thing of like, oh, but why? But why? No, I tell people all the time, seven whys. Go seven whys deep. I'm upset because he showed up late. Why does it bother you that he showed up late? You get an answer. Why does that bother you? And keep going until you get to the bottom. And the bottom is going to be like, well, I feel disrespected. Like, he doesn't care about me or my time or whatever. You always get down to the bottom in the root cause. And the point of doing the exercise is so that you go from here to the root faster, and then you're able to move through the emotions faster because you don't have to spend days just chilling on a feeling when you could have just gotten from here to here, like, super fast.

That's. That's very true. And that is an incredible talent to master. Yeah, Most. Most. Most people. Most people will never get there, sadly. And it's not because they can't. It's because they won't.

They won't. Right?

That's the only difference. Like, here's the thing, guys, okay? I truly do believe this, that you do not have to have a bad, bad day. You can have bad moments.

Right?

And it's completely up to us. Completely up. Where your focus goes, inner industry goes. Right. Whatever has your attention owns you, period. And there is stress everywhere if you look around. But there's also so much freaking joy, dude. There's also so much good in this life. There's so much. Even as a single mom, dude, you have so much good in your life. As single dads, you got so much good in your life. And it's all about the meaning that you attach to what you're experiencing. There's two things you can do when it comes down to an emotion. Only two Things you can do something different. You're stressed because your taxes aren't due. All this stuff. Go do your taxes.

Right?

Goes away. What the hell? That's crazy. That's life changing right there, right? Do something different, right? Man, I'm just always exhausted. Sleep, take an ice bath. Start working out. Different action. Just do it. The second thing is change the meaning, man. I feel disrespected. Boom. You're making his actions mean that you aren't worthy of respect. Change the meaning, you change the feeling. It's the only two things that we can do as humans, but we have the capacity and the capability to do it. And when we learn how to master that, you become a master of emotions. And if you master emotions, you master life. Yeah, because everybody wants a good life. And the life we experience is based off of the emotions that we experience. If one day you're having a crappy day, it's not that you have a crappy life. You think you have a crappy life in that moment, but it's because you're experiencing crappy emotions. That's all it is. And so this is why I try and teach as much as possible. Get ahead of the game. Get ahead of the game. That's why in the Conquerors community, you have your 1% victory tasks. If you do those, I promise you, you will be ahead of the game. And it will be very tough for you to have a bad day, especially the more you practice it. Why? Because I'm priming my mind. I'm creating the emotions that I want to feel. I'm not just running on autopilot now. The Conqueror's keys. Everything that's stressing me, everything that's creating anxiety, everything that's making me doubt, I'm taking that story captive. I'm focusing on the facts. I the feelings, changing the narrative, believing a new one, and then having an action plan. You create your own clarity. The three to five gratitude text, I promise you, you text three to five people every single day telling them why you appreciate them so much, deeply, and why you love them so much and how you love them. It's going to be very hard for you in those moments to feel very negative emotions. And so are we willing to do what's required. Get up at 5 in the morning to hit your checklist. Not just to hit a checklist, but so that you can wake your kids up. As a phenomenal parent, man, I really do believe this. I do believe this, that God will honor the parents who focus on family more than anything. First who truly treat their family as their first ministry. I think God's going to honor that. I think God would honor that more than me working the amount of hours that I work nowadays. Especially now that my daughter's going to be here with me for the next 30 days. Like I'm gonna have to make some adjustments. I think that God's gonna honor the simple fact that if I'm willing to go to sleep at 8:30, right? The days that there's not no coaching calls and get up at 4 or 3:30 in the morning and immediately at that time start doing so much work that by the time my daughter wakes up, all I have to do is handle coaching calls. Now that's it. Boom. And I can be done working at 2 in the afternoon if I want wanted to. And guess what I get to do? Invest into her after that. But if I wake up at eight, same time she does, I just set myself back. I set myself up for failure in that day. And so it's about, are we willing to do what's required to create the life that we want, man? Like here's the thing. The negative effects of a single mother's household, that doesn't have to be your household, right? It doesn't have to be your household. Your kid come, your kid can come out telling a different story. And there's a lot of people that are here right now commenting on this live. Man, I see Yalls names and I just think about when I see y' all post with Yalls kids. Like I see the genuine joy in these kids lives like on their face. Like they can't fake that, right? And I think for, for that alone shows you that I'm doing something different. Because if you weren't like that, your kids would not want to spend time with you, that your kids would not want to be around you. But if they crave your presence in a joyful way, not in a super needy way and moody way, then that means you're doing something right. And if it doesn't mean you're, if, if, if you're not having that experience and you're like I'm doing something wrong, the last thing you need to do is shame yourself. Yeah, that's not going to get you there. It's gonna. Shame will keep you repeating the same cycle over and over in life. I saw that true in my life and I still see it in my life with any area that I experienced shame in. If I continue to cripple myself with shame, I will continue to repeat the same cycle so this video was not to shame anybody. It was to shine some light on the truth. Because the Bible says that the truth will set you free. So many people are looking for freedom, but you're not willing to be honest with yourself, and that's why you're still held captive, because you're a freaking liar to yourself. You're a freaking liar to God. You go in and you pray. These prayers that aren't real, they're just Christian ease. They just sound good. You just want to feel that way and want to believe that way, but really deep down inside, you don't. So you're just being fake with him, and he can't transform and heal the fake you. He can only use the real you.

Come on.

I admire about you, Coach V. You said, I don't want to do this alone, man. I don't want to do this alone. I don't want to do this alone. Most people never get to that place because of pain, because they see that as weakness. If I say, I don't want to do this alone, I'm weak. No. Guess what? If you're a woman and you start saying, man, I don't want to do this life alone, you will attract masculine men because masculine men want to take care of a feminine woman. And they'll be like, I can. I can work with that. But with a woman who's like, I don't need you.

Right.

Cool. Don't have me then. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye. We'll see. We'll see where you're at when you're 70 years old and you're bringing home the bacon and cooking it and taking out the trash.

Yeah.

Just saying. It's. It's the reality of it. Right. This is why that research has shown with that. I think it's like 50 or 60 of women in the next 20 years will be single. They will be alone. And it's not because they're not lovable. It's because they don't allow themselves to be loved because they're not honest with themselves. So I want to end with this. The people you're around matter. If you are around a bunch of women who say, girl, you don't need a man. Girl, you got this. Girl, you didn't. Get away from them. Get away from them as soon as possible. Get away from. There's a season where you have to do this on your own. Okay? But some of us chose that season. Some of us chose that season. Some of us. We got to be honest with ourselves and say, I picked terribly Wrong. And when we can acknowledge that I picked terribly wrong, that means there's something wrong with us that we need to begin to address and we need to begin to shift so that we don't pick the same.

Right.

And like, man, Vanina, you know, Vanina, Coach V. And you love Vanina. I, I love Vanina so much. She, she says something that is incredible. She stopped picking people that she was like dating like she did. She's not getting into a relationship because of feelings, because of how they make her feel. She's picking based off of alignment.

Yeah.

So that's massive. That is massive. Because guess what? Like, if I had multiple like baby mamas, more than likely it's because I just felt like in that moment they were a good choice and this and that. So I was led by my feelings. But then later on I felt like they weren't. So I'm still being guided by my feelings. So what do you think is going to happen on the next situation?

Same thing.

You picked a dude at the club because he made you felt like he was the one. But now all of a sudden you don't feel like he's the one. And then now all of a sudden you got another baby daddy and you picked him because you felt like he was the one. Now you don't. So how long are you gonna keep picking because of your feelings? When are we going to learn to reach out and be like, I want to stop making the same freaking mistakes. Can somebody teach me why I'm doing that? Not to fix me, but so that I can grow and expand into the version of myself that God sees and God created me to be. I think that's where the power starts. And the power starts with the right community. If you can get around the right people at the right time in the right places, the right things are going to begin to happen in your life. And I believe that these people that are commenting here right now, I believe all of you guys are testimonies to that. I'm a testimony to that. Coach V, you're a testimony to that. And so eliminate the people that are just hard headed and just projecting their own beliefs on you. Hey, guess what? You know, deep down inside, if you don't want to do this alone, don't be afraid to say it. And if you do say it and someone tries to say, nah girl, this and this and that, they're just showing you that that's not someone who's willing to come along with the ride because they're not going to help you get to where you want to get to, and that's just a fact. Anything else to. To close off Coach V. Well, for.

The people around you. Like that. Yeah. Anybody who's. We talked about this on Wednesday with the ladies, but we have these people in our lives. We're our thumbs up people. We have our thumbs down people. Those are the people that are sucking from you. And then we have. We're not sure about those, but the people that are. Are sucky people that are sucking from you guys. Those people are hurt, too, and they're just. They're just projecting their own limiting beliefs on you. They're like, wait, she's gonna go and join this group? Or she's going to join. Be. You know, be a part of the Conquerors. They're going to make a million excuses of why you shouldn't do it. Hear me? Those are their excuses why they can't do it.

Yes.

It has nothing to do with you. And so, I mean, one of the most powerful things about being a single mom is that you do actually get to reinvent yourself and so take full advantage of this season of your life. I know it's hard. I have been there. Like, I'm not minimizing the complexity of it, but what I am saying is that it can also be extremely beautiful, extremely liberating, and you do really get to show up the way you want to, but it is 100% up to you. Nobody can make you do it. Like, we can't push you into doing it. Like, you have to just decide that your commitment to your future is stronger than your relationship to your past. And you just have to decide you're going to do this no matter what.

That's so. That's so true. Even. Even everyone on the coaching call, like, I coach the hell out of them, and you coach the hell out of them on Wednesday on the ladies. But I can't. I can't make you do anything the other five days a week.

Right.

That's. That's on them. And this. This is why people are like, man, why. Why do people charge for stuff like this? Well, because the people that pay are all in. Yeah, you got to be in financially, emotionally, spiritually, and with your time. And if you're not, you're 80% in.

Right.

Like, imagine you're talking to someone and they never spend a dime on you. They never take you to dinner. They don't ever want to pay for it. Are they all in? No, you're not. They're not all in. They're not all in go all in on yourself. It's interesting that you brought that up, too, because there's a. There's a conqueror right now, and they're in the coaching group. And after we had our call, this individual had immediately, like, signed up, and she was so excited to get breakthrough in her life. And then I get a text. She said, hi, coach. Sorry to bother you on Mother's Day, but I told my family, friends about how I'm so excited about the group call tomorrow, and they made me feel some type of way, and I'd like your input. She said. I told them, I've watched your previous calls, and they said, I'm just a breakup that others are going through far worse. So I feel unworthy of the group thing now. Is my situation even worthy? I don't even know. I'm embarrassed. This individual almost got talked out of having some extreme. I mean, she's been in there for, I think, two weeks now. Barely. I'm not going to mention her name to respect privacy. She's been in there for almost two weeks, and the last time that I chatted with her, she said, this is the best thing that I have ever done. I feel so different after two weeks. What if she would have allowed her inner circle to speak to talk her out of it?

Yeah.

Because again, they're projecting their own limiting beliefs.

They are. Yeah.

They're projecting their own limiting beliefs. Here's the thing, y'.

All.

Follow your spirit. Stop following your freaking head. Yeah, follow your spirit. Your spirit tells you that I need to do this. This is the move I need to make. Nobody here needs help figuring out exactly what they need to do. You know exactly what you need to. To do. The problem is we don't do it.

Yeah, we do.

And there are tools, there are tactics that you can use to get yourself into a powerful state so that you move so powerfully and you make those decisions and you have access to those. But again, like Coach V said, you have to do those, man. Everybody, thank you so much for tuning in. This was awesome. If. If. If you want to watch it back, it's going to be up on the YouTube channel also inside of the private Conquerors community. I'm gonna put that up there so that everyone can watch it again if you feel like, man, this was really beneficial. You want to get hyped while you're driving to work, whatever it is. And, Coach V, I just want to thank you, honestly, thank you so much for serving this community. I know you got the same heart that I do, and I wish I had something like this whenever I was going through my stuff. I believe I wouldn't have gone through some of the suicidal stuff that I went through. And I believe that you believe that you wouldn't have gone through some of the things that you went through. Went through. And it would have ramped up our time to heal. And so I want to thank you, honestly, and I want to honor you. I want to honor your heart, I want to honor your spirit. I want to honor your tenacity, your willingness to serve and to give. And I'm telling you, at the end of the day, like, this place will not be the same without you. So thank you so much for coming on.

Thanks, buddy.

Awesome. Alrighty, Conquerors, everybody have a blessed day. And we will catch you guys on the next video or the next live stream. God bless.