Why can't I get over my ex?

Hey, welcome back to the channel. Today I am in my hustler attire, comfy in a hoodie. But I really want to help and we had a really good question today. This is, this is what I do for people that are in my app. My app is 100 completely free. It's the divorce Recovery app. I'll put a link down in the description so you can download it. There's a lot of great content in there to encourage you and help you start feeling better. There's even a live support chat group that is absolutely free so that you can start connecting with like minded individuals that are going through ideally pretty much the same situation that you're going through, which means heartbreak. Right. Obviously all of our situations are a little bit different, but you can actually reach out to these people and they'll be able to help. You got a lot of great coaching material in there. My divorce recovery academy is free in there as well. So you can start working through that so that you can start healing quickly. And in that, in that section in the app, there's a section where you can ask me a question. Sorry, I'm putting my phone and my laptop on do not disturb so we don't get distracted during this video. There, there's a section in there where it says ask me question. I do answer those questions on YouTube here. Video, video via video format. And so this is my way to really try and help as many people as I can. So if you have a question that you want to ask about a situation that you're going through, just give me as much detail as possible and be very clear on the help that you want so that I can answer this for you and it'll help all of the viewers that are watching right now. And so if this is something that you're walking through, consider subscribing to the channel. I'm going to jump straight into this. It's funny how everyone says that, including my gonna jump straight into this after a minute long intro. Gosh, why do we do that? Okay, so the question is, I had a RS for over 8 years. We have a 5 year daughter together and an 11 year old stepdaughter from her previous marriage. We broke up on March last year and it's been very hard for me to move on with my life. Two months later she met another person which made things even harder for me. Even though we're not together anymore and she had someone, she kept making contact with me. Even though we're not together anymore and she had someone, she kept making contact with. Me. And for many times, we had, quote unquote, flashbacks. I pretended that I didn't mind that pretended. Man, that's not good. That's not good. Okay? I pretended that I didn't mind that she had another boyfriend, but inside I was devastated. You got to be honest with yourself, brother. You can't go through life pretending, or else you're going to have a makeshift pretend life and you're going to be miserable. This is why so many people struggle with loneliness, even though they're around so many people, is because we show up with a mask. We show up pretending that everything is good. We show up pretending that I'm not struggling. We show up pretending that I am doing great. We show up giving them a character that they can love and that they can approve. So then that character that. That pretending character that we're. We're giving them, that's the person that gets all the love and we don't. And that's why people struggle with loneliness even when they're surrounded or around a lot of people. So you got to stop pretending, brother. Okay? That's the first and foremost thing. I still don't know why I put myself in that position. Last week, after another flashback, we had a conversation, and she decided that we had to stop with that. She didn't want to hurt my feelings. Wasn't that sweet of her? I felt weaker and dumb for putting myself in that situation. I. I get. I get that. I get that, brother, but that dialogue's not going to help you. You gotta stop talking to yourself like you're. Like you're an idiot, because you're not. Okay? You might do some things that reflect that you're an idiot, but you're not an idiot. You. You were just controlled by emotion, and that's why you did what you did, okay? It's not because you wanted to hurt yourself. So don't beat yourself up about it. Instead, let's learn from it and let's grow from it. That's why I'm here, okay? The feeling I have is that I never was able to detach from her. Here I am after almost a year separated. Man, that's tough, brother. I'm sorry. After a year separated, feeling ignored and rejected, probably because I was trying to avoid the feeling of breakup. There it is again. You're still pretending you avoided the feeling of breakup. You're acting as if it didn't happen. You're acting as if you're okay, which deep down inside, you're not okay. And most men do this because they try and show strength, but that's a lack of strength. That's actually weakness. You not being honest with yourself, you not being honest with others about what you're experiencing, that actually is weakness and it cripples you. And that's why we have so many men out there right now that just pop off. You're like a ticking time bomb. And you. You blow up on family members, you blow up on friends, you blow up on your kids, and they're like, what just happened? And it's all because you've avoiding and pretending. So let's not do that. If you want to be a strong man, you got to lean into those. And I think that's where we're going to head in the direction on this, on this video. What should I do to overcome this and live my own life and move forward to success and be able to leave that behind without holding any anger? The fact that we have a daughter together makes things more complicated because I can't avoid. There's that word again. Boy, you're an avoider, aren't you, brother? It's okay. Let's change that, okay? Because I can't avoid her and I can't erase her from my life. Thank you, man. Brother, my heart goes out to you. I know that this is a tough situation that you're going through right now, but you've made. You've only made it harder on yourself. Okay? So the fact that you're stuck for a year, given off of everything that I just read and that you just told me, it's because you have been avoiding your reality. You have been living in some sort of dream world where she is still your wife, where you guys might still make it work, where you are not hurt, where you are this strong alpha man who doesn't get moved by other people. And the fact of the matter is, that's not where you're at right now. And I think that's okay. I think it's okay. The. The Bible says that the truth will set you free. And I know it's talking about Jesus, but I also think it's talking about us being truthful with ourselves. I think it's also Paul or Peter, one of the P's that says that we need to be honest in our own self evaluation and it's for a reason. It's because we have to be able to be honest with where we're at. That doesn't mean that that's where you're going to stay. It just means you got to be honest with where you're at and you have to be honest that man, I am feeling some type of way. And then we've got to start searching why we're feeling those things. Right? The Divorce Recovery Academy will be a good place to start. It's free in my app. You heard me talk about this in the beginning of the video. So go do that. Start working through it and start acknowledging the fact that I'm not okay right now. And it's okay to not be okay. What's not okay is to act as if you are okay and then just stack on problems into your life. And so instead of running from the pain, brother, I want you to start leaning into it. I want you to start getting curious about what's creating the pain. Her absence is not creating the pain. Because you had moments like this when you guys were together. You weren't 100% happy all of the time. You weren't 100% fulfilled all of the time when you were with her. So it's illogical to even say that she is the problem, that her absence is what's creating all of this. No, no, no. You're creating all of this because you are avoiding it. You're avoiding the story that you're telling yourself about yourself and about your future. And you're not challenging it, okay? So I want you to lean into it. I want you to discover what is the narrative that's playing in my head about my self worth, about me as a man right now? More than likely it's that you failed as a husband right now. More than likely it's also that you are failing as a parent, right? And because of those narratives, that's why you're struggling. That's why you're struggling. Same thing with the flashbacks, bro. You could have flashbacks and they not perturb you like this. You could have flashbacks where you get to experience them as man. I'm so grateful that I had those moments with that person. I'm so grateful that they showed me what's possible. And if that was possible with somebody who was not willing to stick around, what could be possible with somebody who is aligned with my core values, with my beliefs? And that will honor a vow. You see what I'm saying? It's all about how you choose to look at things. And so I want you to stop avoiding. You cannot go on avoiding this any longer. If you do, it's only going to get worse for you. It's only going to get worse and you're going to carry it over into your next relationship and Then you're going to bleed on that person that did not cut you, and that's not fair to that person. Right now you're bleeding on family members. Right now you're bleeding on your kids. Right now you're bleeding on your friends. When what you need to do is be like, okay, what's causing the bleeding? The bleeding is in here. How am I, how. How am I creating this? What is the narrative that I'm entertaining? And then I want you to start challenging it. Ask yourself, is this true? Is this true? And do I want it to be true? Is it true that I failed as a husband? If it is, take some accountability and look at yourself and in that relationship. This is something that I did when I went through my divorce. I asked God to show me the areas where I failed so that I can grow and become better, like from those areas and leave those areas behind and conquer them. So I want you to do the same thing. Maybe, maybe this is part of the reason why the marriage failed is because you are an avoider and a pretender. And so in the marriage, you were more than likely never really that honest. It's a, it's a hard truth, but it's probably true. You probably weren't even very honest in the relationship where maybe something happened that you weren't okay with, but you pretended like you were okay with it just to keep the peace. You would rather keep the peace than go to war and experience fulfillment. So I think God is giving you an opportunity in this season to stop doing that and to start leaning into the pain, to start going to war and experience fulfillment on the other side. Something that's really going to help you with accepting on this, brother, is I want you to look at what you are accepting. Are you accepting failure? Because if so, you're going to feel like you're going to feel like garbage. Are you. Are you accepting that your future will no longer be good? Because again, if so, you're going to feel like garbage? Or are you accepting the simple fact that maybe this is a wake up call to get me to step into the 2.0 version of me, which is going to be an even greater father, which is going to be an even greater role model, which is going to be an even greater version of myself, that my family and friends will look at me and say, man, how in the hell did this happen? Through the worst season of your life? How did you come out on top? How did you come up, come out as this incredible role model that's worthy to be followed that could be your reality too. If you choose to accept it in that way, you can also choose to accept all the good things that are coming with this divorce. Maybe there was relationships that you had to let go of in that relationship or because of that relationship that now you're able to pick those things up again. Maybe you're able to pursue certain hobbies and passions that you laid down for that person and you're able to pursue those things again. Maybe now you have the freedom to actually start investing into yourself, which means you actually get to work through some of these things and stop being an avoider, stop being a coward and. And turn into the conqueror that God designed you to be. That God's always known that you are and that you know that you are. You know what you're supposed to do. You just know that you don't do it. We all know this. There's not a person in this world that doesn't know what to do. We just choose not to do it. And it's usually because of fear. So I want you to stop being scared about leaning into this. It's just pain. It'll go away. It'll go away. It's like if you went to the gym and you didn't want to lift because you're going to be sore for three days, you would never, ever improve your physique. You would never, ever become stronger. You would never, ever become healthier. You would never get the benefits of a workout. Why? Because you're talking yourself out of it. Because of the fear of pain. The same thing goes here. Stop avoiding the pain. And I want you to start leaning into it. I hope that blesses you, brother, and I hope that helps you. And again, guys, if this is something that you're going through, feel free to subscribe to the channel. I'm going to be posting as often as I possibly can. I really want to start taking it to the next level on this YouTube channel and helping as many people as possible. And so make sure that you download my app. You can ask me a question in there and I will respond via video format and join the support group. It's 100% free. There is a 7.99 subscription in there to support the mission to change the statistic of divorce. 50% of divorces ending or marriages ending in divorce. And so if you want to subscribe to that, it would mean a lot to me to get your support. We do live support calls in there about once a month. Right. If you need more help through this, then you can join my coaching group. And that coaching group, we meet twice a week. Mondays we meet at 8:30pm Central Standard Time, the men and the women together. So it's incredible because you get to see that not all women are the same, brother. Okay? And you're going to get a lot of support from these women. And then on Wednesdays, same time, 8:30pm Central Standard Time, I meet with just the men and we can really dig into some deeper stuff that you might be a little bit afraid of bringing up in front of the ladies. So you got. You got a lot of options for help, brother. You got my app for free. You got this resource for free. You got the support calls for minimal, like, financial commitment. And then you got the coaching group, which is obviously a little bit of a higher commitment. But I think you're worth it, brother. I think you're worth it. I think your future is worth that commitment. I think your kids are worth that commitment. Commitment. And I've never met somebody that goes through the group that regrets doing it. And so if that's something you're interested in, make sure that you message me on Instagram just the word 1%, the number one, and then the percent sign. Just send me 1%, and my team will get in contact with you so that we can try and help as much as possible. And again, if you are wanting to conquer your heartbreak, you've gone through a divorce, you've gone through a bad breakup. I know this season is extremely difficult, but you don't have to walk through it alone. So don't.