Why did my partner cheat on me?

Hey, welcome back to the channel. And on this channel, I cover everything that has to do with divorce, recovery and moving forward. I also try and bring you different perspectives to answer some of the questions that are going on in your own head. Because for a lot of people, the only breakthrough that we really need to continue to move forward in life and to stop feeling stuck in the situation that we're in is just some answers and some perspectives. And so that's what I want to bring for you today. So I had an idea and. And I love posting on Instagram. There's so many views that get that, that I get on my Instagram post. But what I started realizing was that some of these thoughts that I have and some of these answers that I'm bringing, perspectives that I'm sharing, it's hard to understand the full complexity of it based off of an Instagram post, right? And so what I want to start doing is whenever I do post some more complex ideas and some more complex thoughts, I want to make a YouTube video and marry it to that Instagram post so that you can get a lot more context and get a lot more perspective. And so I can really break down where I'm coming from on these things so that if you agreed with the post, you'll get even next level agreement. So the post that we're covering today is one that I just posted today, and it is nobody accidentally cheats. That's the first one. The second slide on it says a woman controls sex. She chooses to open her legs. If she didn't want to have sex, she wouldn't. Okay, so I'm going to break down these first two slides. Actually, let's just break down the third one as well. A man has a way harder time finding sex. They have to invest time and effort to get to that place. When a man cheats, it took work. Not slipping and falling. So why did I say that on these first three posts? It's because you hear so often, right? And I get to talk to, I've talked to now thousands of individuals and I've got tens of thousands of messages, right? And so many individuals say that, well, my ex said that they accidentally cheated on me, right? Or I even have individuals that come to me and they're like, you know, I just accidentally cheated. And here's the thing. The way that I operate, and if you ever choose to join my coaching community, the way that we operate is that we operate out of full accountability. As soon as we say I accidentally cheated, I accidentally did that. What we're Immediately doing is we're trying to push off some of the responsibility. And here's the thing, as somebody who's also acted out in that way, I want you to know the only area that you can start experiencing, the only way that you can start experiencing some fruit freedom in this area is if you can finally take full accountability. And instead of saying I accidentally or I did this because they did, is if you can look inward and stop blaming other individuals. Because if you blame another individual or if you blame it on an accident, then what ends up happening? There's no reason for you to do any self discovery and grow as an individual. And this is what leads to people, you know, believing that thought of once a cheater, always a cheater. Well, yeah, obviously if you're never taking the time to look inward, then obviously once a cheater, always a cheater. Because you're never addressing the root. And if you've been following my content for a while, if you've been following this channel for a while, then you know that I like dealing with the root issues. I never point out like, well, you know, people cheat because you know, their partner didn't this or didn't that. Yeah, that, that's part of it. But I think that there's an even deeper, deeper reason why people end up cheating. Because there's so many other way outs, right? Like having a difficult conversation. And so that's what we're going to have today. I want to elaborate on this. So nobody accidentally cheats. That's what I mean by it. You got to take ownership of what you did, of your own actions. If you can't take ownership of your own actions, you can never take ownership of the life that you currently have, which means you can never create the life that you want. And because the life you currently have isn't in your hands, it's in the hands of my ex made me do this, this person made me do that, I accidentally did this. So once you take ownership, it becomes your life. And now we got to take a hard look at where we're at right now and we can begin to make progress. Why? Because now this is our life. This was our mistakes, this is our problem. Which means we can bring a solution to it using obviously the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ. And so the second slide says a woman controls sex. She opens, she chooses to open her legs. If she didn't want to have sex, she wouldn't. The slide after that, because these go hand in hand, says a man has a way harder Time finding sex. They have to invest time and effort to get to that place. When a man cheats, it took work. Not slipping and falling again. I'm making men own the simple fact that I didn't just accidentally fall into this, right? But I'm also making women own the simple fact that if I actually didn't want to have sex, I could have just kept my legs closed. And if you were forced to have sex, that's a different topic. My heart goes out to you, right? And hopefully, if there's an individual that that happened and you were in a relationship with them when that happened, hopefully there's some. Some understanding in that area, right? And they're able to extend some grace to you and love you through that, because that's a very traumatic experience. I think we all know what I'm talking about. But it's just plain and simple. The reality of it is, is that a woman controls sexual. If a woman doesn't want to have sex, no sex will happen. It is also easier for a woman to have sex and to get sex. You don't have to be the number one woman in the world with an incredible career, with incredible finances, with not even an incredible attitude. All you really got to do is have some beauty, which all of you ladies are naturally born with it. And what's going to happen, you can go to a workplace and. And there's going to be men that want to have sex with you. You can go to a club and there's going to be a flock of men that want to have sex with you. You could go on the street and guess what? They're more than likely going to want to have sex with you. Now, this doesn't just mean that every single man out there just wants to have sex. But what I am saying is we got to come down to the realization that most men struggle in that area with lust, and that's why you catch them staring at you on the streets. It's not because they think you have a beautiful heart and a beautiful mind. It is because they're thinking about that, right? So the whole point of that is to prove the point that women have a lot easier access to sex and so they control sex. If a man reached out to you right now, more than likely you're going to say, no, not interested, and it's not going to happen. If it was the other way around and you messaged a man who's been lacking sex in his life, which now the statistic is insane. It's like 80% of men between the ages of 20 to 35 haven't had sex in years. It's something ridiculous, right? So imagine if you reach out to a friend right now or somebody that you know, somebody that's on Facebook, somebody that's on Instagram, and you just flat out said, hey, would you be down to have sex? There is a higher percentage of a chance for them to say, yes, absolutely, when and where, and it's going to happen. So women control sex. If they didn't want to have sex, they wouldn't have had sex. Therefore, if they didn't want to cheat, they wouldn't have cheated. Third post. A man has a way harder time fighting sex. They have to invest time, effort to get to that place. When a man cheats, it took work. Not slipping and falling again, a man has to genuinely put forth effort. He's got to look clean, he's got to look semi decent. He's. He doesn't have to be completely ripped and jacked. But if he's completely overweight, it's going to be a lot harder for him to find somebody that just naturally wants to hook up with him and have an affair, right? So there's going to be a lot more work to be done. Also, because women are a lot more emotional beings. And so a man has. A man has to seduce her emotionally before he can even get her into the bedroom. He really has to work at that. If a woman is like, hey, I don't need any seduction in this moment. I'm just ready to do this type of thing. She can go up to a man, no seduction needed. If she looks good, gots a nice body, the man will jump on that. Okay, now please hear my heart on this, y'. All. I'm not saying that any of this is okay. I'm trying to tell us how the world works so that we can stop blaming accidents and stop playing this like, oh, I don't know what happened, so that we cannot show up 10 years in our life and be like, I don't know how I ended up here. Well, you ended up here because we never addressed the root issue, okay? So men have a lot harder time. So in order for a man to cheat, that's also not an accident, okay? They have to put in work to get to even that specific moment. They have to do that. So when a woman cheats, it's not an accident because she controls sex. If she didn't want to do it, it wouldn't have happened. When a man cheats, it wasn't an accident because he actually had to put in work to even get to that position, to even get to that place. Okay. Now, I know there's a lot of people who, you know, sometimes I get these messages quite often, you know, I went out, I got drunk. Well, what did you think we're gonna was gonna happen if you weren't in a good place with your current spouse and you've already been having these thoughts of like, I just want to feel something. I wish they would notice me. I wish they would that. And then you go drinking with your friends. You didn't think that if you just drink a little too much, it was gonna lead somewhere? It was gonna lead you to act a way that you don't act. I mean, y', all, we're adults. We're not teenagers anymore, right? And I feel like if we would learn to take more responsibility, myself included, with you guys, right? And gals, then I don't think that we would have this big of a divorce pandemic right now, because we wouldn't just be pointing fingers at, well, you didn't that, and she didn't this, and he didn't that, and I just accidentally. And I don't know what happened. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. You know exactly what happened. You know exactly what was going on, right? So my fourth slide was this. People cheat because they are weak. And then I put in parentheses. That was me taking accountability for my past as well. Right? You would rather go feel good and finally feel desired by a stranger than be honest with the person you're with. They would rather act. And this is where I did a little bit of a play on words because it sounded really good together. And this is what triggered a lot of people on my Instagram, too. They would rather act like a whore than run to war with the person they committed to. Whore war. It just sounded good. Good play on words, right? So then what's the fix? And this is what I mean by this, okay? When people cheat, it is because they are weak. Myself included. When I did this, okay? This is what I mean by that. It takes true strength to go to your partner and have this conversation. Hey, babe, you know what? I'm really not feeling desired by you. I'm really not feeling wanted. I feel like I'm showing up the best that I can. I feel like I've been hitting this area and this area. I feel like I've been leading our family spiritually, emotionally. I feel like I'm doing the best thing to be healthy and be attractive for you. I feel like I'm pursuing my passion, my purpose, and yet I still feel like, man, I just can't get that from you. And if I'm being honest, my eyes have started wavering and I don't want them to. If I'm being honest. I've had ideas of going out and doing something stupid, but I don't want to. So I would rather have the strength and the courage and the audacity to have this heart to heart honest conversation than to take the easy way out and just go sleep with somebody. That's what I mean by people who cheat are weak. We all had that option, we all have that option moving forward to have a conversation like that. But that's what I mean. We would rather go out and act, not be because we are not what we do, okay? That's not our identity. We all have mistakes. Every one of us makes mistakes. And you are not your mistake. You're only your mistake if you choose to sit in it, dwell in it and keep recreating it in your life, right? So you are not your mistake. You God says that you are, you are more than a conqueror. You are the head and not the tail. You are meant to be blessed. You are meant to live a life and a life more abundantly. You are meant to walk in self control and discipline. You are meant to carry these things. That's who you are. But in this moment, because we're weak, because we're so petrified of honesty, we would rather act like a whore. Because that's what, that's, that's what a or is. They just go and sleep around with people, right? Then go to war with the person that we've committed to. And when I say go to war, I don't mean fight to the death or anything like that. I mean bring what's actually going on in here and lay it all out on the table. Lay it all out on the table. Maybe if we were willing to go to war with our those individuals, maybe just maybe we could actually find a solution for the void that is in our relationship and build our relationship off a foundation of truth instead of just walking around guessing and creating all these stories in your head and these situations. And then you start acting sneaky and you start doing this and now these mess ups start happening. Maybe we just started being radically honest and started being willing to have the strength and the courage to have an honest heart to heart conversation. Maybe we wouldn't be in these positions. So what's the fix? The next slide? I put up The Fix Number 1 Number Thing Number one thing that I believe we need to do in order to overcome this right, and to not let this happen again in our future relationships and marriage is we got to become, we got to fall radically in love with Jesus, man. You cannot love Jesus and then cheat. It's no longer about hurting another person. It becomes deeper than that. Now it's about grieving the heart of God. And guys, I'm just going to be honest with you. The moments where I failed morally and I went against my own values, the moments that I did that, I can always point back to my prayer life. Where was my prayer life? Where was my intimacy with Jesus? Was it on point or. Or was I lacking in it? Was I slacking off? Was I not reading my word? Was I not being honest in my prayers with God? Was I not connecting with him fully? Was I not catching his heart for people? And I was just operating out of a selfish mindset wondering, well, what can I get from this person? How are they treating me? How are they showing up to me, right? Because if we catch God's heart, the Bible says that it is better to give than to receive. And when God sent Jesus his son to die on the cross, here we on earth. He didn't send him to earth for him to be served. He sent him on earth to serve. Jesus himself said that even the simple act of him dying on the cross when he was innocent, when he was pure, when he was holy, he did that of an as an act of service. How do we catch that heart, man? You can't tell me that if you have that kind of a heart, you're going to go out and cheat. You won't. It won't even necessarily matter about your partner. Yes, obviously you'll care about them. You'll think about it. But what will really be the driving force is the simple fact that, man, God, I don't want to grieve your heart, man. I want to carry your heart. I want to step into the life that you've given me. I want to be the man that you see me as. I want to create the future that you have designed for me. I want to make impact for your kingdom and build your kingdom. Step number one, man, if we want to fix this issue, we got to fall in love with Jesus. That's what we got to do. And you can't fall in love with Jesus if you're just like, well, that was an accident. Why? Because then there's no repentance. And the only way to fall in love with Jesus is to have A repentant heart. To have a change of mind, to change your thinking. If you want to have a different life, the Bible says that you got to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The renewing of your mind simply means this, that you choose to repent. If you've been blaming your affairs on an accident, or on your ex, or on other people, or the fact that your parents didn't love you enough as a kid, I think it's time to start repenting from that train of thought so that our lives can be transformed because we're renewing our minds. The next slide that I put up, step number two, so that we can avoid this and fix this, step number two is to start living a radically honest lifestyle. This starts with you, not with your partner. This starts with you. Be honest with you. What are you actually feeling and why are you feeling it? Do a deep dive. What am I actually feeling and why am I feeling it? Work on you before you try and change your partner. Now, this is huge. This is so huge because we always try and change our partners first. But. But here's the thing. We are so like a lot of us, right? We just haven't been educated in this area, and that's okay. The only reason why I know a lot of this stuff is because whenever I went through my divorce, guess what my number one priority was? It was to never go through the same situation again. Whenever I had an affair, the number one thing I went through was, how can I never do that again? How can I? How can I break that chain? How can I break that habit? How can I break that mold? How can I break that pattern? So I dove into the human psychology. I hope I dove into human emotions. What creates an emotion, how you can create an emotion, how you can change an emotion, how you can uproot. What's creating the emotion? What creates trauma, what continues to persist in our lives as trauma and what I started realizing and found out. And you can go do the research on this by yourself as well if you don't believe me. But it is that our emotions are created by our thoughts. So the reason why you're feeling how you're feeling is because of a story that you're creating in your head about your partner. That's what's happening right now. If that story does not serve your end goal in mind, you got to change the story or else you're going to ruin your end goal in mind. And that's why people say it was an accident. I never meant to do that. I know you never meant to do that. But it wasn't an accident. It wasn't an accident. And once we can take accountability of that, that's what happens. When you start living a radically honest lifestyle. You can admit to yourself that wasn't an accident. I knew there was something radically wrong, and I was too weak to address it. I was too scared of rejection to address it. That's weak. That's weak. You can't handle some rejection. You can't handle a little bit of conflict. You can't handle that. It's weak. How? As a man, man to man, as a man to another man. If you're watching this right now, how do you expect to lead your family? How do we expect to get victory over these generational curses that have bound our bloodlines and our legacies? How do we expect to win those wars if we're terrified of a little bit of conflict that comes up with an honest conversation? This is food for thought, y'. All. Next. Next slide. I put. I said, commit to being honest to yourself and to your partner. Regardless of the potential outcome, their reaction is on them. You being honest is on you. If you fear honesty, you will always move as a coward and cheat. This is the bottom line, man. If you. If you're scared of being honest, you will never, ever have true intimacy and connection with another human being. We're never going to get it. The only way we can get true connection with another human being is if we are wholeheartedly honest. Completely take off the facade, completely take off the mask and say, this is what I'm struggling with and coming not to fight the individual, but to fight with the individual. How can we make this work? How can we change this together? How can we change that? And when they get defensive about it, do your best in that moment to not let your emotions catch you and to get. You get defensive, but instead to be like, I'm not trying to attack you. I'm trying to figure this out. I want me and you to move forward to a solution. Instead of me and you going at each other's neck trying to see who's right and who's wrong that doesn't yield us a result. That's what led us to this place. And can we please team up and say, this is what I'm going through? I don't want to act this way. I don't want to be thinking these thoughts, but I have to be honest about what's been going on through my mind because of the position that our relationship is in. I don't want to make the same mistake that everybody else makes. I don't want to make the same mistakes that I've made in the past. Can we please figure something out now? That was your responsibility. Your partner's responsibility is how they react. If they react terribly, if they don't want nothing to do with you, then you've got to be able to honor that in that moment and allow the dust to settle so that hopefully they can see the light and be like, wow, I would rather have somebody come up to me and communicate these details and ask for help than somebody hide them, act like everything's okay, and then, boom, blindside me with an affair. So hopefully this was helpful for you. I want to hear from you guys in the comments, and I want you to know, moving forward, this is what I'm going to do. If I put a complex thought on Instagram that you really, truly enjoy, you can bet that you'll find it here on YouTube. So I can give an elaborate video. Look at that. That was like eight slides and this is like a freaking 20 minute video, right? Because there's so much on here, there's so much to break down and so many lessons and so many nuggets that we can take out of it. And I promise, if we start applying this to our lives and we start taking ownership, we can start creating the breakthrough that we've always wanted. We can start experiencing the life that God wants for us. And we can step into the identity that God has created for us to walk in. Man, I'm telling you, you are not a coward, you are not a cheater, you are not a failure. You are not your mistakes. You are more than a conqueror.