49: Why You Recreate the Parenting Patterns You Want to Stop

Welcome back to The Teenage Guide Podcast. Today, I wanna talk to you about something that happens to nearly every human on the planet. And that is we often recreate the very patterns, very behaviors, beliefs, et cetera. We recreate the things that we really wanna end. And I wanna illustrate in today's episode why this happens and give you a deeper understanding of what's at the root between you and your teenager and what is actually required to create change. So stick with me. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, here to guide you to the soul-to-system support you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is the Teenage Guide Podcast. Right? So how do we stop negative cycles? How do we genuinely create change? Because I will tell you right now, and I say this a lot in my classes and with my clients, there is nothing that you can buy on Amazon right now that will shift your behavior. And we oftentimes keep ourselves in these negative cycles, whether it be how we treat our bodies, our minds, how we show up in relationships with our aging parents, our teenagers, keeps us stuck in these stressful cycles. And so all of that to say, it's not for lack of strategy or information. You can go on the internet right now, you can get a boatload of information and strategies about any of this, right? It's a deeper issue. Deeper challenge that we wanna start to look at and think about. And so I wanna introduce what I call my teenage tree framework. So this entire teenage tree is your own family's ecosystem. All right, so here's my teenage tree framework that I use with my clients to create lasting sustainable change, to stop the reactive cycles or the negative patterns, the negative behaviors that we wanna get out of. You are envisioning a tree, you're a bird, you're flying over the top of the tree. And what can you see? You can see the leaves. The leaves represent the experience that you are having with your teenager, the experience, the outcome, the behavior that you're noticing. This is represented in the leaves of the tree. The leaves are connected to the branches. So this is how I want you to start to think of how we break negative cycles. So the leaves, aka the behavior, the outcome, or the experience, is directly connected to the branches. And the branches represent the tools or systems that we have to build specific skills. I like to say that every challenge can be solved through 2 things: Relationships and skill building. So most parents want to jump in right here. They say, just tell me what to do. Tell me what to buy. What system can I get on the internet that's gonna get my kid organized? When you jump in here, then you are skipping a few steps. All right? And the reason is, is because even if you've got quote unquote the right system, that leads to something you found on the internet that says, oh, use this tool, use this organizational tool, this will be the thing that gets your kid organized, you are missing the foundation of what you actually need in order to break this cycle, in order to get the best response from your teenager. And that brings us to the roots of the tree. All right? The roots represent your relationship, your approach, your ability to attune and to co-regulate with your teen, meaning you have the ability when you are triggered or when they are triggered to get into a balanced state, to be able to co-collaborate together. These are really important pieces of your relationship with them, because if the approach is off, it doesn't matter what system or tool you have to build the skill. And then you're never going to get the experience that you want. So the relationship with them is the roots. This is represented in the roots. And roots cannot thrive, meaning your relationship with them will never thrive. The roots will never be healthy if the soil that grows the healthy roots is dead. Dead. It doesn't have any nutrients and there's a drought, right? And the soil is your relationship with yourself. So your relationship with yourself is truly the vitamins and the nutrients and everything that helps the entire teenage tree grow and thrive. And this isn't to say you are responsible for everything you're experiencing with your teenager right now, but it is to help you get your power back. Once you practice having the best relationship with yourself possible and what I call the 3 selves, which if you don't know what those are, make sure you go back to the last few episodes where I talk all about the 3 selves. Self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-compassion. This is what you are practicing all the time within the teenage tree, within your relationship with yourself. And when you practice those 3 selves, the soil is rich, it's nutrient-dense. Sorry, I'm a gardener. I can't help it. And so you're thinking of this amazing soil that then can grow these really solid roots because when you show up from this place, aware, regulated, compassionate place, then you are going to be relating to your teen with awareness, regulation, compassion, and so much more attunement. All of this, this is what I coach clients through and how to have the best relationship with them. Then there are thousands of tools and systems that we can try in order to build the skill That's going to lead to the outcome. And then you have a thriving teenage tree. So another way that we can start to think about this is all behavior, everything that we see, we notice, we are experiencing is simply information that points us in the direction of, huh, what skills do we need to build? Huh, how am I approaching them? How am I taking care of myself right now? So I wanna connect this even more deeply to why we recreate patterns that we don't want. And this is very well represented in the phrase, which you may have heard before, where human beings would rather stay in a comfortable hell than an uncomfortable heaven. That human beings would rather stay in a comfortable hell than grow or change Into an uncomfortable heaven. Another way to think about that is we oftentimes stay in the discomfort because it's normal. It feels like normal, like home, versus grow and change, which is terrifying to our nervous systems, into what we desire, what we genuinely want, that peace that we crave. There is something happening deeper beneath the surface on a nervous system regulation level that we have to consciously repattern. We are biologically wired towards what's familiar. And this starts to happen when we are kids, where we are conditioned. I've spoken about this several times, where we are wired In our nervous systems to interpret chaos, conflict, drama, scarcity, fear, control, anger as normal. This is what we grew up with. Whew, there's my baseline, right? Versus all the things that come with what we genuinely want, which is peace. And joy and simplicity and presence and that sense of freedom, that sense of trust. Even when what's familiar hurts, we will recreate it because it's predictable to the way that we're wired on the inside. Have you ever been in a dynamic where— this can even happen maybe with our parents, our aging parents, or with our teenagers, where it's like, whoa, things are relaxed right now. And then someone comes in and creates some chaos or drama or stress or gets mad. We're like, oh, there it is. Or one person doesn't want to fight and the other person will just keep poking and poking and poking and start a fight because being in an argument, being in conflict, is what's familiar. So we unconsciously recreate a stress pattern that signals to our nervous system, oh, you're home. And sometimes we keep over-controlling because uncertainty and having an illogical sense of control over things that we actually don't have control over is what was patterned. Inside of us. It's what we grew up with having to do. It's that hypervigilance. Sometimes we push, push, push harder when we actually just need to slow down. Slowing down can feel terrifying to so many of us. So you may desperately want that connection with your teen, but there's something unconscious that's running the show. Your nervous system may default to Feeling anxious, feeling angry, feeling controlling, wanting to fix. It's uncomfortable. Must do something, right? And it is requiring you to tune into those moments and move through them with a different approach. You will not get to a place of a comfortable heaven if you don't consciously approach the challenge with a different set of tools. This is why information alone does not create transformation. If you're one of these people, and I am so guilty of this, right? I just need to know more. Oh, I'll listen to a new podcast. I'll listen to this podcast and this one, this and this. Right? I just need to know more and then I'll change. It doesn't work that way. You will not ever read enough books, listen to enough podcasts, and then expect to change. It helps build the awareness that you need, which is really important. It's the first step. But then awareness alone doesn't create change. It is the first step of change. So you have to practice it. You have to practice nervous system Regulation in the moment. You have to create a new pattern and it is going to feel uncomfortable as hell. It is not going to feel fun. You have to practice consistent identity restructuring, who you are, who you believe you are, what you believe you're capable of, what you believe you deserve. This is all at the root of the relationship with yourself. It changes the way that you show up with your teen. It changes what kind of access you have. And I don't mean just resources, like I've got the money for this tool. Money alone, it doesn't matter, right? You— there are so many tools out there that aren't even able to come to you. You aren't even able to receive them because they don't make sense to a dysregulated human. They don't make sense. They feel very out of reach to someone who is in a constant stress state. And so this is why the work that I do with families and with parents is so much deeper than here's what you should buy, here's a tool that works, right? It's just so much deeper than that. And I'm I'm not saying tools don't matter. They do. Skill building is essential, and our approach comes before we build skills. So this whole process starts with, what are the leaves showing me? What's the experience that we're having? Being radically honest with the patterns that are showing up and not judging them, just being honest about them. And then noticing, oh, I've been trying to build skills or use these tools, and now I see my approach is off. And I realize my approach is off is because I am constantly stressed, overwhelmed, trying to control. Something's disconnecting. I'm completely dysregulated. I'm not believing this is even possible at the end of the day. I'm telling myself, this is too hard. Why even try? I'll go spend money, but who cares? If that is the way that we are approaching change, with our families, it's never gonna work. And I don't say that to be mean. I don't say that to challenge you in a negative way. I say that because it's important to be honest with you so that you start being really honest with yourself. So I work with families in what I call the Soul to Systems process. It is truly an inner to outer process of how we stop recreating these negative patterns that we don't actually want. Because if you're recreating a pattern, you are unconsciously attached to what you don't want, to what feels familiar, but what you don't want. So we can consciously shift the beliefs of, I'm not responsible for their emotions, it's safe to let go of control, It's safe to have some uncertainty right now. I can trust myself. I can trust my teen to learn and to grow. And then we start practicing pausing before reacting. We start practicing presence before control. It is chef's kiss amazing. I often say the goal is not just to raise to sex— let me say that again. The goal is not to just raise successful teenagers and they get straight A's on everything and I can wrap this up in a pretty bow. No, actually, it's not about that at all. The ultimate goal is very big picture, which is you are building and growing your own teenage tree where they genuinely want to spend the holidays with you and share their lives with you when they are grown adults. And you wanna share your life with them too. And not out of guilt or obligation, but out of true connection. Because you know, and you've learned over time, and you've done the work to know that a balanced, healthy home feels like the comfortable heaven that you deserve, that you dream of, and that you live in. Where everyone can be their true selves and where love is not conditional based on achievement or performance. It's just built in. And this is everything that I do with families. If this episode resonated with you, I want to remind you that you do not have to do this alone. I work with high-performing, over-functioning, very well-intentioned, loving parents every day of the week. I absolutely love it. I love supporting parents and teens in so many different ways. Be sure to check out all the ways that I support families. in the show notes. Like, subscribe, and share to this video and share it with someone that you really think would resonate with it, that could use a little extra support. Life is precious. Time is precious. There's no reason to struggle so much or suffer. And I've got so many different ways that I support families in the summer and throughout the school year. So be sure to check them out. And remember, never underestimate the power that you have As the parent. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing this time in yourself and your team. If you enjoyed this episode, please continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could benefit so more people can find my content.