EP10: How to diagnose and solve any parenting challenge

Welcome back to the Teenage Guide Podcast. I am so happy that you're here. It's Ashley Chandler here. Inside this episode, I'm going to share the 3 key parts to focus on when you want to diagnose or solve any parenting challenge. So let's dive in. The belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible is outdated and it's unhealthy. If you're like most parents, you want your tween or your teen to be kind, confident, motivated, and with a trusting, respectful relationship between you two. But how? Do you have to read all the parenting books and take all the parenting classes? Does it have to be so complicated? The short, exciting answer: no. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, and in this podcast, I guide you through the proven mindset tools, strategies, In systems I've learned throughout my 18+ years as an educator and a coach for parents, tweens, and teens. The latest soul-to-systems research you must know, along with my personal experience as the mother of a tween and a teen, to help you and your adolescent develop a bond and skills that last a lifetime. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. Well, hi there. Welcome back. It's an exciting and busy time of year where we can look back at progress and results from the last 9, 10 months. And gosh, it flies by. I, I know that I don't need to tell you that, but it's really flying by. I can't believe it's already October. Oh my gosh. And one last quarter of the calendar year and also the beginning of a new school year where, in my opinion, a whole other calendar starts for families. I like to say there's 2 different calendars. I often think that the real calendar starts when back to school starts. So personally, I find this season to be one of the busiest for the whole year, and I know I speak for so many of you listening. A time when you're holding a lot, managing a lot, anticipating a lot within the holidays. With school responsibilities, along with all of that flu season, more expenses. Oftentimes this means that stress can ramp up. So in fact, right around this time nearing mid-October is where a lot of challenges and cracks start to present themselves with our adolescent kids, with our tweens and our teens. I've heard this referred to as the dip. I've As in a dip in grades, momentum, and skills, they start to show, they start to present themselves. And everyone is super enthusiastic, sort of, with back to school, right? Meaning we have a lot of momentum, we have a lot of, oh, I'm gonna get this going and everything's gonna be so much better. And we get our school supplies, we tell ourselves it's gonna be a better year. And then right around this time, beginning to mid-October, We start to see cracks in that vision and in that kind of hopeful optimism at the beginning of the school year because we do not have the skills or the systems in place to support ourselves or our adolescents. So one of the best skills that we can develop in parenting is to be able to effectively diagnose what's not working and to get to the root of what's causing the challenge. This is often what parents come to me wanting help with. And between you and I, the biggest thing that's so common is parents, you're looking in the wrong direction because so many are inaccurately diagnosing what's going on with their tween or their teen. It takes time and practice, but honing the ability to effectively diagnose and solve problems in parenting is essential. And it's what I guide my clients to do every single day. Inside my program Thrive, I show parents the exact step-by-step process to diagnose and solve big challenges with their teens. And today, lucky you, I'm giving you a snapshot of what that includes. So years ago, I rolled out of bed. And it felt like truly, My eyes rolled back into my head. It was so scary. I stood up and the whole room was spinning, and I had to hold on to the walls as I walked down the hallway, and I had to lie down on the living room floor looking up at my dad who was visiting at the time. And the whole room was spinning and it wouldn't stop, and I felt super nauseous. And my husband was out of town, so I had people come to my rescue. That day to take my kids to school and drive me to the doctor. Now, as you well know, when you get to the doctor's office, you're looking for a diagnosis. You are looking for an immediate solution to any pain or sickness. And you and I also know that by now, that sometimes isn't the case. And we have to become our own health advocates. And we have to practice listening and attuning to ourselves and becoming our own researchers and advocates. And this is what happened to me when I was diagnosed with vertigo, because the doctor said, well, there's not so much we can do for you. You just have crystals floating around your inner ear. In other words, go home, Google what to do, and just try it. There was this thing that I needed to try, according to her, to get the crystals, quote unquote, out of my inner ear called the maneuver. And I was super angry, to put it mildly. I wanted more help, more handholding, more comforting, as I'm literally getting sick in her office and crying. But no, she was pretty rude. She never explained a simple way to address the root causes of vertigo. were the method to approach healing it. And it sent me out on a health journey to figure it out for myself. And I know that happens a lot in parenting because we're dealing with our kids who are unique human beings with unique characteristics, learning styles, abilities, and we all have different resources. And you're looking for answers and solutions to challenges. You just want to know what to do. And maybe you're doing a little bit of proactive research as they head into middle or high school or college. And maybe you're putting out a fire because stuff's hitting the fan. You want to know what to do now, like I did when I sat in that doctor's office with vertigo. I still believe that when it comes to my work as a parent and a teen coach, I am not here To have you rely on me throughout adolescence. I am here to teach you and guide you to use my proven methods that work to help you diagnose and solve your own challenges, to guide you so you can become a guide inside your own home. 90% of the time, parents come to me wanting to know what to do. They're focused on the symptom, because that's the painful experience or the fear of what's coming. But the problem is, is that maybe you're focused on the symptom, but you're not addressing the root cause, you're not effectively diagnosing the problem. And therefore, whatever solution you try, it's never going to work long term. So I want to start with something I've been saying for a while, and I'm Kind of a broken record about. It's inevitable that you'll be triggered. There will be a daily challenge or 10 in parenting. This is a guarantee. There will always be things that you could be triggered by, things that are challenging. You and your tween or your teen will always experience challenges. And so that's why I'm so amazed that people just want to be told what to do. Versus understanding how you and your teen work, understanding how to speak their language, how best to approach them and work with them. But unfortunately, that's not what I see all the time. I see a lot of parents constantly stressed and overwhelmed. So remember, learning to diagnose the problem or challenge with them effectively is going to take time. What's needed will change as they cross the invisible bridge of adolescence. In other words, How you work with them, what skills are needed, are going to change as they cross the invisible bridge of adolescence. The goal to keep in your mind is that you start to not need me long-term. You just need training to understand how to do this. Well, hi there, just a quick interruption to remind you of something. And whether you realize it or not, you're constantly influencing your teenager. In fact, them listening to you, doing what they need to do, and you building a close relationship with them comes down to how you approach them, communicate, and work with them throughout day-to-day life. So if you want these things, along with more confidence and connection for them and between you, I've got something super exciting and special for you. You can now register for my free live 1-hour class, Confident and Connected. Inside this class, I'll be sharing 3 common mistakes parents make and what to do instead to ensure you're strengthening your relationship and building skills they need to thrive. I'll also be sharing my 4-part framework that's helped hundreds of parents and teens get through big challenges individually together at school and in life. It's simple, it's proven, and it's designed to work inside your busy life. And even better news for you, I'm hosting this free live class every single day for a week, starting this Sunday, October 6th, through Sunday, October 13th, because I know you're busy and I know that you want more confidence and connection between you and your tween or your teen. So I wanted to create a schedule where you would have options from morning until night throughout the week. Pretty cool, huh? So at a time when they're pulling away from you and there are no guarantees, I want you to remember that the number one way you have a positive influence in their life and in your experience of parenting starts with what's inside this free class. I'm only teaching this live once this year, so don't miss it. You can register now at theteenageguide.com/class. That's theteenageguide.com/class. Again, there's different times available, so check out the schedule now, get signed up, and add it to your calendar. This 1 hour is so value-packed, it's guaranteed to give you The exact insights into how to make this school year with your tween or your teen the most confident and connected it can be. I can't wait to see you there. Now back to the episode. So what I'm going to introduce to you today are 3 parts the problem or challenge you're facing could exist that you need to look at. If you're challenged right now with them, I would guess that one of these parts is a blind spot or a hiccup for you, or potentially you're looking in the wrong spot. So first, you've got to practice a bird's eye view. You've got to get a bigger picture that you can see. And when you do this, you're going to start to notice things that you haven't noticed before. I call this external to internal view. So we're going to start with the external Part 3. This is the systems or the tools level. This is where most parents want to jump and get support right off the bat. What should I buy? What planner is the best? What's the best tool for emotional regulation? Now, these are great questions, but at the wrong time. And the answer entirely depends on you And your tween or your teen, your style, the way that you receive information, what you're needing in that moment. There's an art and a science to it. Okay, next, part 2, to kind of go from the external to the internal, is your relationship with your tween or your teen. Inside your relationship are key components for a close bond. And additional context and understanding you're always holding and aware of around them, their identity, where they are in their development, and what's resonating for them at that particular moment, depending on where they're at. So those 6 key components are found within what I've created called the Relate Method, and that's revealing the real you, authenticity, vulnerability, That's engaging with high-quality presence, that's listening actively without an agenda, attuning to them, building trust, and elevating them. And part 2 of your relationship is the Relate method, and it's also understanding key components of identity formation, their development, and the language they are speaking. And then as we're going external to internal, right, we started with the systems and tools level, then we went into the relationship level. And part 1 is the internal level. This is where 50+% of my coaching ends up going. This is the relationship that you have with yourself. This is the awareness that you have, your ability to self-regulate, what you believe about yourself, what you believe about parenting and how you treat yourself, to name a few things. Now we can talk about strategies to solve challenges and you absolutely need strategy. And maybe you have a teenager who lies to you, or you have a teenager who's struggling in school or whose confidence is plummeting. Part 1 that a lot of parents have blocks around lies within yourself. It's your beliefs, your perceptions, your ability to self-regulate, get to balance and show up in the moment without so much fear or the need for control over your teen. Teen. And this is where parenting gets impacted the most. Because if you want to help your tween or your teen solve that problem at school, or you want to stop arguing with them, or you want them to do what they need to do, but you're unwilling to become the master of your own energy and awareness, good luck, my friend, you're never really going to get to the root of the challenge. Now, if you just wanted to have a job where you could make people coffee or sell a widget, you wouldn't need the skill set. And many parents want to pass off the ability to become masters of their own energy or diagnose and solve the challenge. They want to pass that off to experts like myself. But I am here to tell you, That you are the best person to become an advocate or an expert inside your own home. You are the best person to become the teenage guide. You chose to be a parent. In other words, you chose to coach, to guide, to lead your child through all the stages of their life. This is quite literally what you signed up for. So I'm going to give you one more way to look at these 3 parts, external to internal, through an even more refined perspective. Every challenge can be boiled down to 2 things, or the need to strengthen 2 things. And knowing these 2 things is going to help you diagnose and solve any challenge. Number one, Relationships. And number 2, skill building. And here's a walkthrough of what I mean. Your relationship with yourself. Look at the relationship you have with yourself, your own awareness, your relationship to time, to energy, to what should be happening. And look at your skill set or where you need to grow. Self-awareness, communication, self-compassion, Time management. Everything is a relationship or a skill. Your relationship with them— are you relating to them with curiosity and non-judgment? Are you showing up and listening more than you talk? Because you're in skills inside the relationship with them. Are you holding each other accountable? Are you making space to understand them versus automatically deciding you know what's best? Are you taking the time to listen and just be there without the need for control? And your tools or systems for skill building— what tool or system you use to solve the challenge depends on what skill you're building and what feels best to them or to you in that moment. And every time you go to diagnose a challenge, remember, it's internal to external. It's about relationships. first and skill building next. So when you can start to create and view the challenge that you're facing through the lens of relationships and skills, you are going to get focused on what you need to practice, where you need support, and where you and your tween or your teen need to grow. Everything you want for yourself and for them is on the other side of your relationships and your skill set inside yourself together, and in the systems and tools that you use for skill building inside your home. Everything. Now, if you want to take this one step further, I know I've mentioned it before, but I've got an exciting announcement. Starting this Sunday, October 6th, I'm hosting a free class called Confident and Connected. It's going to be happening every day of the week at different times, so busy parents like you can join me. Inside this value-packed class, I'm going to be sharing common mistakes that break connection and confidence, as well as my signature framework that's changed hundreds of parents' and teens' lives together at school and in life in simple, actionable, step-by-step ways. Everything I do is designed for parents who are inundated, parents who have never-ending to-do lists, parents who want the best, who are so well-intentioned, and they feel overwhelmed. Everything I do is designed for you. So you can register now at theteenageguide.com/class. That's theteenageguide.com/class. This is one of those classes you really do not want to miss. If you signed up for anything back-to-school related and you're going through the dip, or even if you didn't sign up for something back-to-school related and you're starting to feel challenges with your adolescent, then you don't wanna miss this. I'm only gonna be teaching it live once more this year, and it's designed to help you and your teen have your best school year yet. So don't miss it. I can't wait to see you there. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here, and kudos to you for investing in this time for yourself and for your teen. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could also benefit. Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teenager's life is in your relationship with yourself. And with them. So never doubt how much power you have, because you are the teenage guide too.