EP11: Getting Your Teen to Do What They Need to Do Without Fear, Fighting, or Excuses

Welcome back to The Teenage Guide Podcast. I'm Ashley Chandler, your guide extraordinaire. If you're new to this podcast, welcome. I am so excited you found me here. Lots of exciting things happening over here, one being I've officially opened the doors for parents to have 2 new ways to work with me and to have access to my signature program Thrive, plus my community, The Village, So when parents come to me, sometimes a big block is around the investment, right? Especially in today's world where there are a lot of stressful things happening. So if you've got extreme stress in your life, for example, Hurricane Helene and Milton were just this week, there's so much happening for so many people. And so if you're listening to this and that's you, my heart is really with you in the midst of all of this. And So you have that other extra stuff that's stressful, and on top of that, you're a parent, right? And I believe everyone should have access to what I offer. So that's why I'm so excited to share these 2 new options to work with me, to have access to what I do: Thrive VIP, which includes group coaching and more, and my new Thrive Monthly membership. For less than $100 a month, you have access to Thrive and an incredible community, the Village. All parents need one. So I'm going to be sharing more details as time goes on, but just know that if you are interested in learning more, and if you want simple step-by-step coaching that tells you exactly how to approach, how to take care of yourself, how to be, what to do and what to say and practice to solve some of the greatest challenges you have in parenting your tween or your teen, Head to theteenageguide.com/thrive and check out Thrive VIP and the Thrive monthly membership for parents of tweens and teens. I've got an exciting offer this week only, full of incredible bonuses, which it's really hard to put a value on your wellness and the health of your relationship with your child because it's priceless. But I have valued these bonuses at nearly $2,000 for a fraction of the cost. It is not— Anywhere near $2,000. So don't wait. There is no reason to suffer or struggle so much. And I've got to tell you, although if you want to parent well, if you want to have more confidence and connection, it's work, right? I'm not going to lie to you and say it's not work. However, it is not so complicated. So I've linked all the details to learn more. Again, theteenageguide.com/parenting. All right, so inside this episode, I share key things you must know if you want your teen to listen to you, to do what they need to do without backtalk or breakdowns. Let's dive in. The belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible is outdated and it's unhealthy. If you're like most parents, you want your tween or your teen to be kind, confident, motivated, and with a trusting, respectful relationship between you two. But how? Do you have to read all the parenting books and take all the parenting classes? Does it have to be so complicated? The short, exciting answer: no. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, and in this podcast, I guide you through the proven mindset tools, strategies, In systems I've learned throughout my 18+ years as an educator and a coach for parents, tweens, and teens. The latest soul-to-systems research you must know, along with my personal experience as the mother of a tween and a teen, to help you and your adolescent develop a bond and skills that last a lifetime. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. Hey there, hey there! I'm Ashley Chandler, the Teenage Guide. It's mid-October, which is completely mind-blowing, my people. Where has the year gone? This is what happens when you reach midlife. It's like you blink, the holidays seem to be every other month. And also when it comes to parenting and school year that's happening here in the United States, the U.S. school calendar This is where a lot of challenges and cracks start to present themselves with our adolescent kids. And in education circles and executive function circles, this is referred to as the dip, as in a dip in grades, momentum, lack of executive function skills. They all start to show. So in other words, cracks start to show in parents and your teenagers holding it together. Without losing your mind, or maybe you're lashing out at each other or you're breaking down. So after over 18+ years as an educator and a coach, I also consider myself a professional detective looking for clues and putting together patterns. And 3 of the most common questions I get from parents in so many words are, how do I get my tween to listen to me or my teen? How do I get my teen to do what they need to do? Without so much resistance and backtalk and excuses? How do we build trust? How do we build confidence and connection? And knowing the answers to these questions would be pretty great, huh? So here's what you need to understand first when you're answering them. How to do anything with them, or how to make them do anything, or how to get them to do anything depends on a few different things. You, them, your environment, what each of you are processing at that moment, or what you were processing right before that moment, and managing your expectations. And most people want to be able to have a quick fix. They think they could possibly buy something on Amazon, hire an expert out there, wink wink, like myself, get the template, Tack it up on the fridge, tell their teen they have to use it or else, right? Well, hi there, just a quick interruption to remind you of something. Whether you realize it or not, you're constantly influencing your teenager. In fact, them listening to you, doing what they need to do, and you building a close relationship with them comes down to how you approach them, communicate, and work with them throughout day-to-day life. So if you want these things, along with more confidence and connection for them and between you, I've got something super exciting and special for you. You can now register for my free live 1-hour class, Confident and Connected. Inside this class, I'll be sharing 3 common mistakes parents make and what to do instead to ensure you're strengthening your relationship and building skills they need to thrive. I'll also be sharing my 4-part framework that's helped hundreds of parents and teens get through big challenges individually, together, at school, and in life. It's simple, it's proven, and it's designed to work inside your busy life. And even better news for you, I'm hosting this free live class every single day for a week. Starting this Sunday, October 6th, through Sunday, October 13th, because I know you're busy and I know that you want more confidence and connection between you and your tween or your teen. So I wanted to create a schedule where you would have options from morning until night throughout the week. Pretty cool, huh? So at a time when they're pulling away from you and there are no guarantees, I want you to remember that the number one way you have a positive influence in their life and in your experience of parenting starts with what's inside this free class. I'm only teaching this live once this year, so don't miss it. You can register now at theteenageguide.com/class. That's theteenageguide.com/class. Again, there's different times available, so check out the schedule now, get signed up, and add it to your calendar. This 1 hour is so value-packed, it's guaranteed to give you the exact insights into how to make this school year with your tween or your teen the most confident and connected it can be. I can't wait to see you there. Now back to the episode. And I want you to really hear me when I say this, because this is super important. The reason why that doesn't work, one of the reasons, is because simply saying the words or buying the thing you want your teenager to hear or you want them to use while convinced you're right will never lead to them actually listening to you and becoming more confident or motivated. And every time that you try that or attempt that, even if you are being Kind in your approach, you're wasting energy and increasing stress and friction between you, and it's going to backfire 100% of the time. You know this, you're probably experiencing this, which is why you ask me or other experts these common questions, right? So I want you to just think about something that you're struggling with as a parent right now. And someone coming to you and declaring, Just use this template or this checklist, or hey, listen to me, or this is what you should do. And I would guarantee your antenna would go up, you would shut down, you might get resentful, get angry, and tune out, right? If someone was taking that approach with you. This is exactly what's happening for your teenager too. So there are 3 things to remember that are going to get them to listen to you and do what they need to do. I'm going to go over these things. So if you are distracted right now, this is a good time to loop back into the podcast and pay attention. All right, here we go. 3 things to remember that will get your teen to listen to you and do what they need to do. Number 1, become the master of your own energy. Look in the mirror, examine your own mind before you approach them. Notice your projections, your fears, your stressors. What you may not realize is that your teenager or your early adolescent kid, if they're as early as 4th grade, they feel your energy. They feel your projection, your fear, or your stress, even if they can't articulate it. They feel it. Number 2, Listen more than you talk. A teenager will never listen to you until they feel listened to, period. When you listen to them and validate them, practice getting curious and becoming a detective yourself. You're going to notice their tone, their body language, and more nonverbal cues. These are clues of what's really underneath the surface for them, and it's only when you listen to them That they'll actually receive what you have to say. And number 3, become a co-collaborator. Teens need control and autonomy 100% of the time. If you are telling them or showing them exactly what to do, they are going to resist your solution and your input. They are going to resist what you're telling them that they need to do. They're not going to do it. Okay? So here are three things again to remember when it comes to understanding how to approach and work with them to get them to listen to you and do what they need to do. Become the master of your own energy. Listen more than you talk, and become a co-collaborator. Now this was a quick episode. If you want to take this information deeper and get even more insights, I have got an exciting announcement. Today, as this podcast is released, this Sunday, October the 13th, I am hosting my last free live class of the year, Confident and Connected. It's not too late. You can register right now. Inside this value-packed class, I share 3 common mistakes that break connection and confidence, as well as my signature 4-part framework that's changed hundreds of parents' and teens' lives together. At school and in life. You can register now at theteenageguide.com/class. That's theteenageguide.com/class. This is one of those classes you really don't want to miss if your kid is just entering middle school or high school and you're noticing that stuff's starting to hit the fan. There are cracks in the foundation, my people. This is the kind of information that every single parent of an adolescent needs. And I'll only be teaching it live once more this year. So you have an opportunity to get answers to some of your big questions. So join me, it's designed to help you and your adolescent have your best year yet. So don't miss it. I can't wait to see you there. I know you have limited time and energy. So thank you for being here. And kudos to you for Investing in this time for yourself and for your teen. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could also benefit. Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teenager's life is in your relationship with yourself and with them. So never doubt how much power you have. Because you are the teenage guide too.