EP12: Why & How to Set Boundaries With Your Teen

Welcome back to the Teenage Guide Podcast. Tuesday is our day, my people. I've been experimenting with days to broadcast the podcast and the results are in. You can officially count on Tuesday as our release day. And I'm excited for today's podcast as this very hot topic around boundaries has been a huge, massive area of focus for me personally and professionally. And also, it's essential in helping you develop a strong bond with your teenager. Boundaries— what exactly are they, why they're important, and 3 reasons why yours might not be working. So without further ado, let's get into the episode. The belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible Is outdated and it's unhealthy. If you're like most parents, you want your tween or your teen to be kind, confident, motivated, and with a trusting, respectful relationship between you two. But how? Do you have to read all the parenting books and take all the parenting classes? Does it have to be so complicated? The short, exciting answer: no. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, and in this podcast, I guide you through the proven mindset tools, strategies, In systems I've learned throughout my 18+ years as an educator and a coach for parents, tweens, and teens. The latest soul-to-systems research you must know, along with my personal experience as the mother of a tween and a teen, to help you and your adolescent develop a bond and skills that last a lifetime. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. Before I dive in, I've got something for you. The Teenage Guide namesake is more than just a clever play on words. It's literal. I've created mini digital downloadable audio and video workbook teenage guides so that you can get immediate answers, support, and coaching to some of your biggest parenting challenges. Right away. When it comes to knowing how to handle a big transition or a challenge with your tween or your teen, I know you just wanna know what to do. And waiting around for when you are both stressed or when there's a big fire to put out can feel really frustrating and inconvenient. And that's why I've created the Teenage Guides. And the coolest thing, I've got 10 guides focused on the top 10 challenges parents face with tweens and teens to help you at any time. If it's the middle of the night and there's a breakdown, if it's 11 o'clock and you're like, I can't meet with my coach or my therapist or get support right now, this is why I've created the teenage guides because they help you at any time. Where in just about under an hour, I give you the answers to why the behavior is likely happening, how to approach and work with them, what boundaries to set, and the skills to build So that you can solve the challenge. From school stress to low confidence, defiance, low motivation, screen stress, social stress, and more. Each guide includes step-by-step audio, video coaching, visuals if you're a visual person like me, a journal and workbook to go with it. Clients tell me it's their go-to. It's inside my program Thrive. All 10 are inside my program Thrive, but I am offering them to you individually. And they are their go-to. It's given them the answers they've needed to know exactly what needs to happen. And to the point of tears, I've had clients say it's given them their ahas, like they're sitting in the line to get groceries and they've realized things that they've been working for years to understand. Every teenage guide is like having me in your back pocket, covering several coaching sessions and condensing them into bite-sized Simple, actionable coaching in under an hour. If you've also got a resistant partner, and they just want to know what to do, this is why I've created the teenage guides. So you can head to theteenageguide.com/guides. Again, head to theteenageguide.com/guides. And I'm also going to put the details in the show notes of this episode. If you are ready to solve some of your biggest challenges now. Welcome back to The Teenage Guide Podcast. Today's episode is all around this very exciting word, boundaries, the word and concept that has been at the core of creating my healthy life for about 10 years now. But they were not part of the vernacular When I was growing up, and maybe you too, people may have practiced them in their own ways, but referring to them as essential to a healthy relationship, that was not the norm. In fact, I grew up thinking me saying no or putting myself first was actually rude. And turns out that belief was designed to keep me safe, but it wasn't healthy. So today, everyone has a slightly different definition of boundaries. But regardless of the definition, once you start practicing them in your relationships and in life with your teenager, they are one of the greatest gifts and the most loving things that you can do for yourself and for them. So they could easily be a month-long seminar on their own. I mean, truth is, I've been focused on them for 10 years now, like I said, and We dive deeper inside Thrive in my teenage guides, but I'm going to give you condensed version here. When we're focused on boundaries for ourselves, they are a reflection of our own self-awareness and self-compassion and self-worth. Every belief, action, and experience you have extends from knowing and respecting yourself. And I heard this definition that stuck with me for years now. Boundaries are where you end and someone else begins. I'm going to repeat that because it's so simple and so powerful. Boundaries are where you end and someone else begins. I've struggled with boundaries my whole life until just a few years ago. I had no idea that my lack of knowing really where I ended and someone else began was at the root of a lot of my challenges individually, in partnership, and in parenting. I often felt like I was responsible for other people's experiences. I was responsible for making people happy or successful before myself. And the truth is, is that after doing a lot of work on myself and healing, and still continuously healing, I realized and understand now that this is a form of codependency. And I had become codependent as a means of survival growing up. But I didn't need to be codependent anymore. It was preventing me from thriving for myself. From thriving in partnership and thriving as a parent. And my boundaries were often tested with or without my knowledge. And when I wasn't attuned to them, I was often left feeling resentful or depleted. And then, you know, that metaphor with how life lessons start as pebbles and then rocks, and then they grow into boulders, and then— Cars and freight trains and brick walls until you get them right. That was me and boundaries. And the freight train arrived a few years ago for me. And I thought I learned them when I was a special education teacher while I was pregnant. I thought I learned them when I was doing deep work around my own traumas. I thought I learned them when I started my business the first time. Turns out, I was wrong. I had many years and layers of learning them and unraveling patterns. And I took this on because I could see a direct connection. I said, yes, I want to learn this. I want to practice this no matter how painful it is, because I could see a direct connection between my own struggles in every single area of my life. And me neglecting myself or being unaware of my own patterns and how they affect absolutely everything, especially how I take care of myself and how I show up as a mom and how I show up in my business as a parent coach, as a teen coach. They affect absolutely everything. And boundaries in my life now are here to stay. And because I practice them on a moment-to-moment basis, they have significantly improved my life because I'm taking care of and supporting myself in the most healthy ways possible, in ways I never have before. Now, in a relationship with your tween or your teen, boundaries are a key tenet. To you both thriving together. And if you think of them as being hard or rigid or cold, I encourage you and invite you to start shifting and think of them as an— as a love language, really, as an act of trust building and care, because that's what they are. And from your own personal boundaries, from the soul to the systems in your life, From emotional to physical, boundaries run across those spectrums to the lines you draw with them for each of your highest goods. And they can often look and feel slightly different based on your own values. So in today's episode, I'm going to be sharing 3 reasons why your boundaries might not be working and how to realize they are not working. So let's dive in. Number one, you aren't clear. And it sounds obvious, but sometimes and oftentimes, we aren't super clear with our boundaries. So this is a clue, okay? They stay buried. And we know we don't have them when we get frustrated, or when we overreact, when we become dysregulated, and we snap. And these reactions are clues That our boundaries need to be identified, questioned, and articulated, stated, posted, and repeated. I see this a lot with screens and technology. I will call myself out fully and say that screen usage in my home is my number one trigger. Because I'm irritated because I feel like, you know, screens can take over our lives or my life. But if we haven't articulated when and where they're allowed, if we can bring them to the dinner table, the car, the bedrooms, what time they're allowed past. So when I notice myself getting stressed, I ask myself, where could my boundaries be articulated, questioned, identified, stated? And this helps. create the structure and the container that feels healthy and supportive, not just for me, but for everyone in my family. So one reason why your boundaries might not be working, you haven't identified them yet, right? You haven't articulated them out loud. So you aren't clear. Number 2, you're inconsistent. And I was actually just talking to a family member about this because I have a new puppy. And, you know, it's kind of obvious, but when you get a puppy, you have to be really consistent with training, right? Boundaries are the same way, and it's a practice. So we recently got my puppy Daisy. You're going to hear more about her, I'm sure. She's a golden retriever rescue. And we're in the midst of potty training. So what does that mean? We're setting boundaries, right? We don't want her to go to the bathroom inside our house. It's pretty simple. So what do we do? We have to be consistent. Treats are close by. We ring the string of bells on the outdoor sliding door and every hour we say potty and we ring the bell, right? Whether she has to go or not. And we go out, she goes to the bathroom, we give her a treat. Again, the consistency is starting to pay off because she hasn't had an accident in the house in several weeks as of this recording, knock on wood. So not to equate your teen or you with a puppy, but the same thing is true when they're going over this invisible bridge of adolescence and their need for autonomy and need for control reigns supreme. And when you're learning to step away from being a boss and a guide, it will be a practice to become more consistent and to Figure out what that looks like inside your relationship. And when you set a boundary, you've got to stay consistent in reinforcing it because it's the same as reinforcing a habit or a new behavior or a new dynamic between you where they are not going to take it seriously. And that's maybe even subconscious. They're not even aware they're not taking it seriously, but because you are not consistent with it, It's their job to push right up against you, right up against any boundary, and just continue pushing. You have to stay consistent. If you're not, it's just going to continue to contribute to a negative cycle or pattern or dynamic. So if sometimes you're strict about screens, for example, and other times you're loose because you're tired, it's more convenient for them, to have technology at that time. It sends a message, again, even unconsciously, that they can push the boundary, they can test you. And so you've got to double down and be consistent and follow through even when it's messy, inconvenient, or unplanned. Number 3, number 3 reason why your boundaries might not be working Is that you're focused on the wrong things. So when it comes to teens, you've got to become aware of what story you are telling yourself around their behaviors, their beliefs and actions. This is one of the key practices that I guide my clients to go through is to become aware about beliefs, behaviors and actions because We are wired to keep our kids alive, and we have more space in our brains for fear and a need to keep them safe. And so what happens is we are often telling ourselves a very doomsday, worst-case scenario story about, for example, their crop top or the technology, because, you know, if they want to wear that crop top, it means they're wanting sexual attention at the age of 12 or 13 or 14. That may not be the case, right? Or that we're telling ourselves they're going to be hurt in some way. Our brains immediately go to fear. Natural reaction, right? It's a natural response. Or if they're locking themselves in their room and they're, you know, more private, our brains immediately go to they're doing something unsafe or they're hiding something. Like drugs, or, you know, they're, they're lying to us in some way. The thing is, is that them actually locking themselves in their room is one behavior. And our brains go to the most irrational, negative story because we love them so damn much. We just want them to be safe. So we've got to remember, they're individuating from us. They're developing their own identity. They need their private space. And so, you know, they're going to want space, you know, they're going to push you, you know, they're going to show up a little differently than you. And so when it comes to boundary setting, you've got to keep in mind to focus on the healthy things. Okay? You've got to focus on healthy respect in relationships. You've got to focus on values, your family values, identifying them, articulating them. Focus on wellness and safety when it comes to setting boundaries and not around their preferences, their style, or ways of expressing themselves. And despite what teens might tell you, they actually crave boundaries within this structure around wellness, around safety, around values. They crave it, not around preferences or what to wear, But around holding them up to their highest good. And again, it's their job to test you, right? But setting a boundary around values and wellness and highest good actually fills the need for them, and it keeps them safe. It helps them feel safe. I have a close friend who shared a story recently that proves this. So in high school, her mom worked nights as a nurse. after her parents' divorce. And so she was a single mom working nights. And my friend, we'll call her Kristen, she more often than not was home alone on the weekends at night. And she didn't have maybe food in the fridge or predictability or structure or boundaries around mealtimes, around curfew, and expectations around school or responsibilities. And so she went into hypervigilance, really. Her friends all had a curfew of around 12:30. And the truth was that she didn't, she didn't even have that because her mom wasn't even there. There was never a boundary or expectation set. And she craved the structure so much, she would lie to her friends and say that her mom wanted her home because she was the one who craved the curfew and the security. And if they want to wear the crop top, ask them why and share your point of view. Let them know your fear. Let them know, I know it's irrational. I know it's irrational. This is what my brain is telling them, telling me, right? Let them know your deepest fear. Say, I know this is irrational. I know it is. And I trust you to make a great decision for your body and to just be aware that this might be the perception. Right? If they're locking themselves in their room, where does your influence lie? It lies in the quality of your connection and relationship when the door is open. Let them have their space. And then when the door's open, create a dynamic between you where spending time with you is something that you both look forward to. It's something that you want to do. And you, you're building trust. You prioritize family dinners occasionally, you prioritize family discussions around the dinner table or in the car or quality time taking the dog for a walk. This is how you build trust. So if they are holed up in their room, you are nearly positive there's no impulsive, irrational, unhealthy, risky behavior happening. This is top level, okay, around boundaries. And there's more, obviously, to prevent risky impulsive behavior at a young age. But this gives you an idea of where to start. So again, 3 reasons why your boundaries might not be working. You're not clear. You're inconsistent. You're harsh one minute, you're loose the other, or you're focused on— the wrong things. You're focused on fear and control, and not for highest good, wellness, safety, and high-quality connections. So what do you do? You start with becoming aware of your pain points, your struggles, your triggers— when you become reactive or defensive, or you feel disillusioned or disrespected, right? And then you identify Where you need to be clear, where you need to have self-compassion, where you need to be consistent or bend and adjust with your own boundaries. Starting here will improve life with your teenager. It will. And if you see yourself in any of these areas and you want more support and how to make this real in your lives, you can reach out to me anytime. Find me at theteenageguide.com. You have many different ways of getting support from me or with me through free resources. You can apply to work with me directly. I've got my monthly membership Thrive. You can also join Thrive at different times of the year, or grab yourself a teenage guide. As I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, all resources are linked in the show notes. And you will get immediate support and coaching for how to become aware of the ways where you end and they begin and how to make boundaries. This part of your life that feels so supportive, it feels like an act of love. They are an act of trust building and Support and taking care of yourselves from the inside out. And I want you to remember this, and I say this a lot, but I want you to remember at a time when your teenager is pushing away and pushing right up against you, right up against your boundaries and testing you, never underestimate the influence that you have and the power that you have. As the parent, you and your teen were made for each other. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here, and kudos to you for investing in this time for yourself and for your teen. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who Who could also benefit? Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teenager's life is in your relationship with yourself and with them. So never doubt how much power you have because you are the teenage guide too.