Ep2: 3 (rarely talked about) Things about tweens and teens you must understand

The Teenage Guide podcast and content posted by Ashley Chandler, The Teenage Guide, is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a qualified medical professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have, and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. Well, hi there, Ashley Chandler here, the Teenage Guide, and I'm so excited to dive into today's podcast, which is the 3 things, 3 rarely talked about things about tweens and about teens. That you must know. So I won't make you wait, let's dive in. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, and in 18 years as an educator and a coach, I've helped thousands of parents, tweens, and teens build the relationships and the skills they need to thrive together at school and in life. And this is The Parenting Podcast, where I integrate and then distill the research and principles of mindset, neuroscience, psychology, education, spirituality, and even wellness into simple-to-follow strategies that grow your connection and confidence throughout adolescence. The belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible is outdated and it's unhealthy. And I'm here to guide you to the Soul to Systems toolkit you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. Hello, human! I'm so happy that you're here. I am not going to make you wait. I'm so excited to just dive into 3 things that are rarely talked about and so important. If you are the parent or caregiver of a tween or a teen, you need to know the 3 things that I'm going to share with you today. When you know these things, it makes the way that you approach them That makes the way that you make sense of their behavior, it makes the way that you relate to them and that you work with them and that you listen to them and the way that you interact with them so much better because you have a different perspective of where they're coming from. So without further ado, let's dive in. So number 1, I want you to realize there's been so much research out there about puberty, right? And what's going on with Hormones once people start going through puberty. And obviously that can be directly related to mood swings. What drives me crazy and what I hear a lot is when parents say, oh, you know, they're just moody because of all of their hormones. And on the one hand, that is correct. But what I hear when someone says that is that they don't understand what's really going on. And potentially, especially if it's a reactive parent or they are in a negative cycle with their teen, they don't understand that not only, yes, puberty is happening, but what's happening on a much bigger scale for a longer period of time is brain reconstruction, and that your early adolescent kid is going through the second biggest brain reconstruction project of their entire life. The first one being between the ages of 0 to 5, and if you think about your kid when they were born all the way until they went to kindergarten, that's 5 years, but think about that rapid growth. They went from learning how to be able to just breathe outside of the womb and eat to being able to sit up to being able to talk back to you and have conversation with you to being able to read and write. to being able to walk, right? All these things, this massive, massive growth. And so much of that is because of their brain construction, what's happening beneath the surface neurologically. The same thing is happening for your tween starting around early adolescence. For some, that could start as young as like 10, and for some, it's closer to 11 and 12. And so I like to say like around the time that they're about to go to middle school, or in some places in the world, it would be called intermediate, This is what's going on. Now, what does that mean if there's a brain reconstruction? I've talked about this before, but what I want you to understand is that their logical leader brain who's able to manage priorities and do things they need to do on time and respond in a kind way if they are tired, and all of those skills are learned skills. Over time that are really, really hard to master, especially when the logical part of the brain, the leader part of the brain, is under construction. It's the part of the brain that's right behind the forehead. It's called the neocortex, and it is under construction during this period of time. So what's in charge? The emotional part of the brain. If this part of the brain is going through this whole reconstruction, which basically means Neurons that aren't being used are dying, new synapses, new neurons are being formed, brain cells, new connections. Because all of that is going on beneath the surface for your kid, what's in charge is the emotional brain, the— also the reptilian brain, the fight or flight. So those mood swings are not just because of hormones. More likely, it's because of brain reconstruction. So it's really important that you understand that and that you don't make their mood swings mean something bad about them or that somehow that it needs to be different. Like it's just puberty and you just have to get through it when they're going through puberty. There's a different way to approach it. It's really important that you understand that it's totally natural and normal for them to be reacting in this way. And the way that you approach them and work with them is the key. The second thing that's rarely talked about and so important when it comes to your tween and your teen is not only are they going through a mental and physical transformation, but they're also going through a spiritual transformation. This is the invisible bridge of adolescence. Oftentimes I talk about this with development where they're going through this huge transition into being dependent. But oftentimes what happens is when they get to be adolescents, in some faith traditions and religions, there is a rite of passage. Like, you know, it might be the bar mitzvah or the bat mitzvah. There's other cultures that have different traditions. But largely in Western society, we're missing out on recognizing that there's a huge spiritual transformation that happens during adolescence. And a big piece of that is tied to identity. It's how they see themselves. And I believe that one of the reasons why we have a mental health crisis is that so many of our teenagers have forgotten who they are and they're not recognized aside from likes and shares and superficial things that don't mean crap. What really needs to be a part of the conversation is, I see you, I value you, you have worth and value because you exist. Yeah. There is a deeper part of you that has nothing to do with your appearance. It has nothing to do with your personality. It's your soul. It's your intuition. And tapping into that is so important to cultivate during these years, to give them opportunities to use their gifts to be of service, to be able to practice and see life On a deeper level, to be able to see the person who's homeless on the street or who's checking you out at the grocery store and see their soul, to be able to see their humanity. And we have to cultivate that as parents. This has nothing to do with religion. It's taken me, you know, 18 years as an educator and coach to get to the place where I can actually speak this out loud because— I've been holding back from having this conversation. But I'll be diving into more about— the research shows when kids starting in early adolescence, when they have an anchor in believing that it's not just about them, right? There's intangible forces at work, whether you call it God, whether you call it the universe or source or spirit, there are forces at work that are bigger than a human being. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience. It's taken me to get to this place to say this needs to be an integral part of the conversation and how we are working with, approaching, and relating to our teenagers, that they have inherent value and worthiness, and that there is an intangible, beautiful Unconditionally loved soul that is intuitive, that is deeply connected to the divine, to source, that has zilch to do with how many likes, shares, and how popular they are. And that needs to be a part of the conversation. All right, number 3, rarely talked about things that need to be a part of the conversation when it comes to tweens and teens. This might surprise you, but no matter what you may think, I will tell you an uncommon truth that most people don't hold around their teenagers, and that is, is that they still really do need you and they want to be close to you. So what I hear a lot from parents is, oh, my teen wants nothing to do with me anymore and they don't open up to me anymore. And they just want to be with their friends all the time. And I will tell you, on the surface this might be true, but what I really hear when someone says that is the teen wants natural separation and independence, and the parent might be projecting a little bit, might be slightly insecure because the teen's behavior or moods have shifted and the teenager does not hold the parent up on a pedestal anymore. And they make it mean something bad, when in reality it's just natural, right? And what I also hear is, parent, human, you may not recognize the power that you do have, and that you have in your relationship, that you have in the way that you show up every day for yourself, for them, out in the world. You have so much power that That is untapped and potentially unrecognized. So I want you to think back. Did you ever have a friend growing up when you were a teenager who was close to their parent? I did, and I wanted that so badly. I can remember my mom saying things, something along the lines of, I'm not here to be your friend, I'm here to be your mom. And while I agree with you have to be the guide, you have to be the parent first, There is a specific way that you can approach it where you also convey a sense of safety as a friend, as, uh, as someone who sees their soul like as an equal. Like, it's not a top-down approach anymore, okay? Unless it's about safety, approaching your teenager or your tween from a top-down, from I'm the boss because I said so, will backfire 100% of the time. And so when you show up and you have the greatest power and influence, they want to be close to you. When you show up in the ways that I teach, your relationship is the number one way that you have influence in their life at a time when they're pushing you away, at a time when their social life is paramount, at a time when they're tempted with experimentation. And they need more privacy, your relationship and the approach that you take with them is the number one way that you have influence in them being a self-driven, confident, boundaried, self-assured, compassionate person as they get older. I like to say we're not playing the short game here, we're playing the long game as parents. Meaning the work that you do now to invest in the way that you approach the relationship is not just for right now. It's so that when they are in their mid-twenties, when they have a family of their own, they genuinely want to spend the holidays with you. They genuinely want to share their life with you, and you want to share your life with them. That's what this is about. And so I'm here to bust the myth. That they don't need you or they don't want to be close to you. They need you just as much, just in very different ways. So I'm going to do a quick review of the top 3 things that you must know that are rarely talked about when it comes to tweens and teens. Number 1, their brain is going through the second largest reconstruction project of their whole life. Number 2, not only are they transforming mentally and physically, but they're going through a spiritual transformation too. They are going through identity formation where they are deciding who they are, why they matter, what makes them significant, what are their qualities, what's the deeper part of this, of life, what's the point. They're going through a spiritual transformation too. And number 3, they do need you and they wish that they could be close to you no matter what you might think right now. So I trust that this episode has helped you in some way and that you are going to take these little nuggets and you are going to make them real in your day with your teenager. Now remember, Find the growth, no matter how hard it is. Find the joy and invest in yourself. Show up for yourself and show up for them, no matter what. It will pay off. It's never too late, and you were made for each other. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here, and kudos to you for investing in this time for yourself and for your teen. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could also benefit. Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teenager's life is in your relationship with yourself and with them. So never doubt how much power you have because you are the teenage guide too.