In this episode of The Teenage Guide podcast, host Ashley Chandler explains that parents are responsible for the majority of their teen's challenges because they serve as the primary guide and model. She shares two personal stories—a postpartum moment with her newborn daughter and a college‑age incident moving a heavy desk—to illustrate how parents' self‑behavior and approach to autonomy shape teen development. Chandler argues that teens reject a boss‑like stance and instead need a guide who models the skills and mindset they wish to see. She advises parents to reflect on how they treat themselves, to model confidence, self‑love, and purposeful action, and to avoid dominating or directive interactions, thereby empowering teens to navigate challenges with autonomy. The episode concludes with a call to invest in the parent‑teen relationship and to recognize the power of being a teenage guide.
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The Teenage Guide podcast and content posted by Ashley Chandler, The Teenage Guide, is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a qualified medical professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. Hello, hello, human. Welcome to The Teenage Guide Podcast. I'm so happy that you're here and that you're tuning in. You are busy, and it means a lot to me that you take the time to listen, to invest in yourself, To invest in getting support in parenting your teenager. So today's episode, I am really excited to share with you your role in 90% of their challenges. This is a topic that I get asked about a lot. What should I do? How should I be? How to handle? And the first thing that you need to understand when it comes to any challenge in parenting Is your role. And surprise, surprise, you're going to find out a little secret behind my namesake. So I won't make you wait. Without further ado, let's dive into the episode. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, and in 18 years as an educator and a coach, I've helped thousands of parents, tweens, and teens build the relationships and the skills they need to thrive together at school and in life. And this is The Parenting Podcast, where I integrate and then distill the research and principles of mindset, neuroscience, psychology, education, spirituality, and even wellness into simple-to-follow strategies that grow your connection and confidence throughout adolescence. The belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible is outdated and it's unhealthy. And I'm here to guide you to the soul-to-systems toolkit you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. All right, flashback to 2011. It was about May. I had a 2-month-old infant baby daughter who is now my teenager, by the way, and I was up in the middle of the night with her, like all parents are with their newborns. And I had— granted, I had a lot of postpartum anxiety, so I was already a little bit anxious and super sensitive and emotional and all the things, and sleep deprived, like we are. But I was also so clear. I was just laser-focused on her. And I'm sitting there nursing her in the night and rocking. And I look at her perfect little fingers and her little body, and I was overcome with love. I was overcome with, I love you, I love you, I love you. I want you to love yourself. I want you to be fearless. I want you to go after your dreams and be confident and— And live life on your terms. I want you to have great friends. I want you to know yourself, to know what's right for you. And in that moment, a voice came through me, my intuition, call it what you will. It came through me and it said, everything that you want for her, You have to give to yourself. And over the last 13 years, that's been exactly what I've done. I've tried to practice and live by that because what I know now is that I'm her greatest teacher. I'm her guide in this life. I'm her first person that she's looking to to learn. model how to treat myself when I look at myself in the mirror, how to love myself when it's hard to do, how to have compassion for myself when I make mistakes, how to attract high-quality friendships, how to go after my dreams. I'm the first person in her life that she's looking to. And it was in that moment that I didn't realize it at the time, but that I started becoming her teenage guide. Because what also happened a split second after, truly it was like, as soon as I said, I love you, I love you, I want all these things, you have to become the guide essentially. You have to, everything you want for her, you have to give to yourself. I immediately flashed to her teenage years. Because that's when I lost myself. And so without even really knowing it at the time, I've been on this path to be the teenage guide. And what I want for you is to think about the ways that you're showing up, to think about the ways that you treat yourself when you're by yourself, the ways that you build trust with yourself, where you go after your dreams. How are you showing up? For you, what are you modeling? This is really important to get because your role in 90% of their challenges is as the guide. And so the guide shows up in this way. It shows up in the way that you understand that you are their first teacher. You are the model. You are the guide. So what does this mean? In 90% of their challenges. Well, I want you to flash back now even farther. It was about August 1998, and I was a very determined 18-year-old who was moving into a new apartment as a college freshman in the same town that I grew up in. And it was a hot day, and I had Gone home, driven back home where my mom was in my Geo Storm, which even saying that out loud, oh my gosh, it cracks me up. That was my first car. Do you remember what a Geo Storm is? I mean, they still are around. I actually look for them sometimes because I'm like, do those cars still exist? They are a death trap, first of all. They are like smaller than a Beetle, and mine in particular was My best friend and I would joke that there were birds living in it because there was so much happening underneath the hood. Like, so many noises were coming out from underneath the hood. And it was a lemon. It was a lemon of a car. And it was really small, like kind of a clown car where you're like Mary Poppins' bag where you keep seeing things come out of it, right? So anyway, I pull up to my mom's house and I'm driving my Geo Storm and I am determined because I need a desk. I need a desk that's at her house, and I need to take it back to my apartment. And to paint a picture of our house, we had a big flight of stairs that you'd walk up in the entryway, and then there was another flight of stairs up to my bedroom. And I walk in and I announce to my mom, I'm like, hey, I need to get that desk. Because I need to take it to my house. And she responds with, If you'll wait about an hour, I'll show you exactly how to do it because it can be tricky getting it down the stairs. And my 18-year-old self in that moment said inside my mind, nope, I'm not waiting around for you to boss me around and tell me how to carry a desk Downstairs and load it into my car. And so, sheer grit and will and determination, I walked up those 2 flights of stairs, I got my desk. It was probably, no joke, about like a 70-pound desk, solid wood. I hoisted it, lifted it, I dragged it down the hallway, down the stairs. I don't know where my mom was. I really don't. I wasn't waiting for her. I was not going to wait around for her to boss me around. I lugged it down the stairs, and then I dragged it through the hallway, and I carried it down the flight of stairs in the entryway, and then I loaded it into my GeoStorm by myself. The thing about this is that teenagers, they don't want a boss. They do not want someone else to be the hero of their story. They want a guide. My mom's approach was to be the boss, and it's the opposite of what I needed and what I wanted. And I see this happen time and time and time again with parents where we don't realize that we're taking a dominant approach. Now granted, we could unpack the fact that I was like entitled in that moment and declared I needed this, and she could have justifiably been like knee-deep in, you know, a really important project of her own, right? It doesn't matter to me at that time. I don't care what she's doing. I have an agenda. I don't want a boss. I want a guide. Only I couldn't articulate that, right? So I want you to think about the ways where your tween or your teen refuses your help, refuses your input, does not want your wisdom. You have a lot of wisdom to share. I know that. You are smart. They don't care. They do not want your wisdom. They do not want your solutions. They do not want you to tell them what to do. So you have to learn the approach of being the teenage guide. On the one hand, you have to learn how to model the exact awareness, skill, and behavior that you want them to show up as, that you'd love to see them become. You have to model that yourself. And on the other hand, when it comes to their challenges, you taking a let me show you how approach, I'm the boss, it will backfire. And next thing you know, your tween or your teen could be doing something, lugging a 70-pound wooden desk down 2 flights of stairs by themselves, and you're wondering why couldn't they just wait? Why couldn't they just be more patient? Because their sheer will and their need for autonomy and control will dominate 100% of the time. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here, and kudos to you for investing in this time for yourself and for your team. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to continue the ripple effect And like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could also benefit. Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teenager's life is in your relationship with yourself and with them. So never doubt how much power you have because you are the teenage guide too.
