EP42: [EXPLICIT] It’s Not Just Screen Time — Understanding Distraction in Parents and Teens

The belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible is outdated and it's unhealthy. These years can shape identity, resilience, and healthy, strong, joyful relationships that last well beyond adolescence. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, here to guide you to the soul-to-system support you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. We live in the age of distraction and it's a massive block for parents, teens, and young adults. When I know that I need to do something, I have my own resistance that comes up. I might be scrolling with the latest dog video or making sure that I know I'm fully abreast of the latest political firestorm, or worse, when I want my teenage daughter to do something and she's on her phone. She's like, just a second. This creates a hellish loop in my mind. It's happening just like in the movies, everything everywhere all at once, and one battle after another. If you want to know what I practice and model inside my own home and with my clients, this episode is for you. The first thing I want to say is you're being played. You're being manipulated. Play this for your teenager. Remind your young adult of this. People are making money off of our attention constantly. They are draining your energy, your bank account, your time. You are being manipulated and played when we succumb to the distraction. They know what they're doing. They are hooking us. And our attention every moment of every day. They got their talons in us. So you got to realize you're being manipulated. You've got to realize you're being played and become aware of your attention drains. What are your family's attention drains? Could it be around the morning routine? Could it be around access to digital devices? Maybe the way your time is structured? Because time is your greatest currency. I don't need to tell you that, but we're not getting it back, people. We are not getting it back. We are letting ourselves get distracted. And so we've got to become aware of first what exactly is draining us. For us inside our own home, that might mean seasons where my husband and I have more intense work. So we notice that our kids Have more drains. Like we've got to be on it about the boundaries, about the guardrails for this. This also means around our cycle as women, sometimes around our cycle, we experience things very differently. And so we can have different drains for that. Being aware and attuned to your body and your mind is really important so that you can have the greatest capacity for energy and attention, right? So becoming aware of, oh yeah, my attention wants to go to this place when I'm on my cycle or when I'm going through a more stressful period. So you've got to figure out what works for you. Again, for us, it's routines. It's like the morning routine, the after-school routine in particular, and it's the evening routine. How are we structuring those? It's the access to digital devices. And it's being available all the time. These are all ways that we are getting manipulated, where our distraction is up, our attention is down. The second thing to practice is becoming aware of where are you resisting? What are you avoiding? Where are you making excuses? See, we are co-collaborators of our life, right? We get to design ourselves and our lives. The saying like, oh, that's just the way it is. That's bullshit. That is actually not just the way that it is. You get to have more control than that. And so part of the way that you limit distraction, where you get your attention and focus back, is to be aware of what you're avoiding by being distracted. What are you resisting by being distracted? And what are you making excuses about? By being distracted. Most of the time when I become distracted, I am putting my doing before my being. Here's what I mean. I immediately launch into go mode, do mode, my to-do list before I take a beat, even really just 30 seconds and tune into my state. Notice my energy, notice my tension, notice my thinking, get more into the moment. So that I have more presence and I have more agency and control, and then more awareness. Keeping ourselves busy all the time is an excuse. When we're busy all the time, we're probably avoiding stuff that we really actually need to do. We use busyness to say, oh, I'm just so busy. It's a distraction. You're willingly giving your time and energy away when you do that. So what's underneath the avoidance? You gotta ask yourself. Am I exhausted? Am I overwhelmed? Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I nervous? And oftentimes we don't wanna face the truth of that. These are all things that we've gotta get honest with. We typically avoid honesty because it's gonna make us feel something that we think is going to be bad. We avoid the truth because of how we think we'll feel when the truth is. is that if we just move towards the truth and feel it, it doesn't have as much power. We think it's going to feel like jail, like tightening, like pain, and it's going to last forever. But when we avoid something or we make excuses for something, or we resist doing what we need to do, we're practicing being who we really want to be. We're really resisting our own truth and what we know. We're resisting the feelings that feel vulnerable and scary and make us look in the mirror. And when we actually get to a place where we can be honest, it's less like jail, less constricting. It feels lighter. Even in the midst of an intense emotion, we feel lighter afterwards. After we have a good cry, How many people are like, I feel better. So sometimes it's going right to the heart of the truth that actually liberates us, right? So pay attention to that if you notice yourself getting distracted. And then once you can face that truth, whatever that is, then you can de-stress, then you can regulate. These are things that I walk my clients through. This is what I go through inside my own house with my own adolescent kids. From that place, then you regulate. Then you take action and it feels way more aligned. And the final thing I would say about how to limit distraction is to make a commitment to your boundaries. Most people who are constantly distracted have very weak boundaries. If you're distracted a lot, it's taking you away from how you really want to be living, what you really want to be doing, your dreams, desires, and goals, right? Chances are you are saying yes to things when you really need to be saying no. And you're saying no to things when you really need to be saying yes. You've got constant access to your phone, alerts, notifications. You are aware when someone calls, every single time someone sends you a text message, every email that comes through. Or maybe you've got unstructured time. You haven't created a boundary around your time. So you think, oh, I'll get it done in this block, but you haven't exactly refined the boundaries. This happens to everyone. This is how we learn and figure out, oh, I need to actually create even more structure, more distraction, more structure. Or this is a common one. We're paying attention to what everyone else is doing. We're noticing the trends or we're keeping up with this figure over here, this person over here, this influencer over here, or this person on Snapchat over here, as if they can then tell us how it's best to think, believe, behave. And be, as if they have the answers to our problems, as if their preferences are the best thing. No one is you. No one experiences life the way that you do. No one has your dreams, has your goals. No one has your strengths. It is so critically important that you unplug and you create a boundary around accepting the status quo. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean it's right. And you don't need to think or be or do something because you think you're gonna miss out. If you're consistently getting distracted, plugging into what everyone else is doing, you're actually draining your power. You're taking time and energy and momentum away from why you're here, which is to experience your life. So be aware of your attention drains. Notice your resistance, your excuses, and your avoidance, and practice being honest with yourself. And remember to be committed to your boundaries. Be aware of what you're saying yes to and what you're saying no to, and make sure that it's in alignment with what you actually want to make come true for you in your life. If you want to experience a life that most people dream about, You have to be willing to do what most people won't do. Remember to like, subscribe, and share. I think it's so funny that I'm a YouTuber now. Funny in like a haha, not like a limiting way, but more like I'm saying the same thing that I hear other people say on YouTube. So like, subscribe, share. And if you want to find out about ways to work with me, all the links are in the show notes below. And I'll see you next week. Never underestimate the power that you have to create the life that you really wanna be living. Real quick, I wanna talk to you about something. If you're here, you're probably not looking for more parenting advice. You want things to actually change because you've been showing up, trying hard and holding a high standard. And still it can feel like it's not working or not working the way that you would like it to. So 2 things, start with my free class, Confident and Connected, which is an inside look at my Teenage Tree Framework and the 3 most common parenting mistakes even the most loving, well-intentioned parents make and how they block confidence and connection for both of you and what to do instead. It's powerful and it will shift how you see everything. And if you're ready for real support, not just more information, join my Thrive membership and community. It's where high-functioning parents like you stop doing this alone and they start building strong relationships, real-life skills, and a home and a foundation with their teen that genuinely feels So Good to Live In. You can find both linked in the show notes. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing this time in yourself and your team. If you enjoyed this episode, please continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could benefit so more people can find my content. Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teen or your young adult's life is in your relationships with yourself and them. So never doubt how much power you have because you are the teenage guide too.