In this episode of The Teenage Guide Podcast, host Ashley Chandler reframes teen‑parent conflict as a mirror that reflects the parent’s own unexamined beliefs, nervous‑system patterns, and codependent conditioning. She opens by rejecting the outdated notion that parenting teens must be terrible, emphasizing that these years can foster identity, resilience, and lasting joyful relationships. Chandler explains that many parents jump straight to fixing behavior, but the real work is to look at what the conflict reveals about themselves—boundaries, self‑love, accountability, and internal stories. She shares a personal narrative about her fraught relationship with her mother, illustrating how codependency (checking the room’s temperature to set her own) and unmet expectations created pain, yet also offered clarity and healing during her mother’s final days. Chandler connects this to parenting teens, noting that teen behavior does not cause a parent’s emotional charge; instead, it uncovers underlying nervous‑system wiring, limiting beliefs, and unfinished identity work. She advises parents to recognize valid frustration, practice self‑compassion, differentiate their role from their teen’s, and use the mirror to grow. The episode concludes with a promotion of her 90‑minute “May Reset” workshop ($97) that provides tools for parents to regain time, energy, and joy, along with a call to like, subscribe, and share.
The belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible is outdated and it's unhealthy. These years can shape identity, resilience, and healthy, strong, joyful relationships that last well beyond adolescence. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, here to guide you to the soul-to-system support you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast.
What if the hardest relationship in your life is actually your greatest teacher? That's what happened to me. That's why I do this work. That's why I do what I do. In today's episode, I'm looking at relationships not as something to fix, but as mirrors that reveal who you really are. If you've ever heard anyone talk about relationships as mirrors, you might be left wondering, How so? That person's an a-hole. That person's out of whack. I feel like I'm doing things right all the time and they feel selfish. They act entitled. They're the ones with the problem. Who can relate? I think we all can because that's the point of relationships. The relationships that we have with ourselves and with each other are the foundation for everything else in our life. The way that we relate to ourselves and each other determines Determines the outcome, the experience that we have. Oftentimes we wanna fix the behavior or improve the communication or reduce the conflict. So again, that is jumping a few steps. You wanna immediately jump to solving the problem, of course, right? What that also insinuates is that we wanna jump to the doing. When we talk about relationships as mirrors, What we're saying is it's a reflection of things we haven't faced, things we haven't seen or integrated into ourselves, lessons we need to learn with what we need, what we want to actually believe or what we're currently believing, boundaries that we can set in order to take better care of ourselves. The way that we relate to someone else is a reflection of ourselves. Whether it's that conflict or it's that problem outside of us, it's the other person. And you might think like, I did everything right. I was just trying to help, but there's this tension that builds. There's an internal story beneath the surface of that. I'll give you an example using the relationship in my life that caused the most pain. But also the most clarity and confidence for me. And that is the relationship that I had with my mother. I knew she loved me to the best of her ability. I knew she did more than anyone else, more than she could anyone else. She was always in her best self. She was always my number one supporter, biggest cheerleader. And at the same time, not to summarize her in one saying, but she would say things like, everything was great until you were a teenager. And she made my behavior the problem rather than looking beneath the surface of the behavior and seeing what it brought out in her. So as we get older and fast forward to my adult years, and now I'm a mom and I'm still operating from the rose-colored glasses mentality of I can make it better, I can fix things. Oh, now we're healed, everything's better. And I invite her To live closer to us. I invite her to actually move in with me. Ooh, interesting. This is where the plot thickens. And through the experience of being around her for 4 years, she lived with us. That really did not work. Had to have her live somewhere else. By having that relationship front and center in my life, I could have reflected back to me All of the beliefs I was having about myself. What was my responsibility? What I was taking on that wasn't mine to take on. I could see her in a way— people talk about healing the inner child, and that came out a lot as she got older in her final months, really. I could see this little girl. That was never healed in certain ways and projected that on me continuously. And that was so powerful for me to actually integrate in her final 10 days of life. I was able to not personalize it as if I needed to approach the situation from the same old Ashley, like it's my job. To do this, but more from a place of love versus resistance, it brought full circle healing. I was able to see her and see my role and understand there were certain expectations that I had in her being my mother. Like she was supposed to be wiser, more regulated. She was supposed to be quote unquote in charge as the mom. She was supposed to be the elder that I could depend on and look up to. And when I realized I was relying on that for so long and so resentful of the fact that she could not show up in certain ways, I allowed myself to strengthen. I got stronger. I could see, was it fair? No, but life's not fair. Everyone has an experience where we want someone to show up in a certain way and they're not. And we have to accept that and we have to give that To ourselves. We have to heal those parts of ourselves that want so badly for the other person to fix it. So it's a mirror. It's a reflection of where we can love ourselves more, where we can be more patient with ourselves, where we can be more accountable, where we can be more loving to others. I think it's really important to not make someone good or bad, but to practice looking at it as, this is where they are and this is where I am. We build our own self-awareness because we look, we can look at other people through a nonjudgmental, curious place and say, oh, interesting. They're making those choices because they're believing something, they're acting from a certain place. And I'm making these choices because I'm believing this and acting from this place. Now, sometimes we might be in conflict as parents with our teenagers, and you might think, how is this relationship a mirror? Well, I don't know if you realize this, but no one's perfect. And so all of us, including myself, sometimes lose it. And so in those moments where said person, hypothetical imperfect person, might lose it and snap because we're frustrated, which by the way, we're allowed to be frustrated, right? It's important to recognize that we cannot be in a healthy relationship without understanding our role. We can't be in a healthy relationship without putting ourselves in the other person's shoes. That's what relating is. It's trying to understand the other person a little bit more, trying to express ourselves as our true selves, as authentically or vulnerably as possible, and to grow together. And so it's important to recognize that in that moment where I got really frustrated with one of my kids, it was actually a very valid reaction. You don't need to be Mary Poppins all the time. And I have to remind myself of that because I consider patience to be a love language. So I, after I even lost it a little bit, I had a really good cry afterwards because I felt bad because I got so frustrated. And I knew that their behavior was not intentional. And so then I felt guilty. So again, it's not that you're avoiding all challenges. That's impossible. This is how we grow. In that moment, what I realized is, as a mirror, it's reflecting back that I put a lot of pressure on myself to always be patient, and that's unrealistic, and I can be kinder to myself. It was also a reflection of the fact that they need to build certain skills, so that's now an area of focus. It's a reflection on, huh, what can my role be in this, or how can I help this situation? What is mine? And what is theirs? This is how all relationships operate. What is mine and what is theirs? And the greatest lesson for me with my mom is because I grew up codependent. My favorite definition of codependency is you check the temperature of the room and everyone in that room, and then you decide what temperature you are. And that is how I grew up in a multitude of settings. And I think a lot of women especially grow up this way. We are emotionally attuned. We can read a room, or even if we grow up with parents who, you know, we don't want to upset them, things have to be a certain way, have to be perfect in a certain way, and then we're safe. So it comes from a place of safety. It comes from, I got to keep myself safe. It's a protective mechanism, right? There gets to be a point at which it's very unhealthy to do that. We learn to do that. That's part of our conditioning. But it's not healthy and it's not sustainable. And so we have to practice detangling from the ways that we've been conditioned so that when we look in the mirror in that relationship, it's not cloudy. It's clear as day. We can see all our freckles, all our wrinkles, all our gray hair. Maybe that's just me. What your mirror is showing you is the way your nervous system is wired. It's what beliefs are running the show. It's what part of your identity is unfinished or needs healing. So our teenagers, for example, their behaviors don't cause your emotional charge. They don't cause you to be reactive. They reveal what's underneath. So what we do once we become aware of that, where we reveal And we repair. That's what I do with my clients every day. It's what I offer inside my parent membership as well as all of my resources. Check out the show notes. You'll see all the details of different ways that you can work with me. And remember to like, subscribe, and share if you like this video. Never underestimate the power that you have. Hey parents, talking to you moms. If May is already stressing you out, this is for you. Graduations, finals, summer planning, family in town. You're not overwhelmed because you're doing it wrong. You're overwhelmed because you're doing it all. I've got something for you. The May Reset is my 90-minute workshop and bundle that gives you back your time, your energy, and your joy fast. Connect with your kid without yelling, cut your planning time in half, and leave with a real step-by-step summer plan to help either your teen get a job or create a meaningful summer between you. And then on top of it, Finally, put yourself back in the equation so you genuinely feel like you're moving through the season that's intended for joy with actual joy. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, I don't have time. That's exactly why this is a 90-minute workshop, actually in April, available all through the season, and not a 6-week course. You watch it once, you leave with a plan.
$97.
If $97 feels like a lot, it's less than one therapy copay, and it's built to give you tools and support That lasts all summer long. My kid is different. The framework I use inside this workshop and with all of my clients is designed for all kinds of brains, all kinds of nervous systems, the anxious ones, the resistant ones, the ones who seem fine, but you know something's off. May is coming and so is summer. And to be honest, we all know doom scrolling and constant tech, it's just not an option. Let's make it feel different. Click the link. I'll see you inside.
I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing this time in yourself and your teen. If you enjoyed this episode, please continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could benefit so more people can find my content. Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teen or your young adult's life is in your relationships with yourself and them. So never doubt how much power you have, because you are the teenage guide too.
