In this solo episode of The Teenage Guide Podcast, host Ashley Chandler challenges the common belief that teen misbehavior is a sign of disrespect or entitlement. She explains that adolescents often mask stress and overwhelm throughout the day, and their outbursts at home are a release of built‑up tension rather than a character flaw. Chandler introduces the "Teenage Tree" metaphor, where the roots represent the teen’s relationship with themselves and with their parents, and the leaves represent the skills and tools they are expected to develop. She argues that focusing only on the leaves (grades, attitudes, tools) ignores the foundational roots that shape behavior. The episode then offers concrete parenting practices: first, parents must notice their own nervous‑system responses (tight chest, clenching, breath) and pause before reacting; second, they should shift from blaming to asking about the teen’s day, thereby increasing safety. Chandler emphasizes the power of repair after conflict, especially when it includes accountability, as a model of emotional intelligence for teens. She promotes her free class “Confident and Connected” and a paid 90‑minute “May Reset” workshop ($97) that teach parents how to regulate themselves, build identity as guides, and create summer plans that reduce overwhelm. Throughout, she reinforces that relationships are invitations for growth, not obstacles, and that parents hold significant influence through the quality of their connection with themselves and their teens.
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The belief that parenting a teen is destined to be terrible is outdated and it's unhealthy. These years can shape identity, resilience, and healthy, strong, joyful relationships that last well beyond adolescence. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, here to guide you to the soul-to-system support you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. A dad once told me, I don't understand it. He's fine at school. Teachers apparently love him, but when I pick him up, he shuts down or he explodes. His interpretation of his son's behavior was disrespect and entitlement. But similar to what we hear when our kids are in elementary school, what was happening was actually entirely different. His son was holding it together all day. All day. If you haven't walked the halls of a high school or a middle school or a university campus in a while, the energy is thick. So his teenage son was holding it together all day long, masking stress, masking all the input, trying to make sense of it, holding it together, navigating social pressure, managing expectations of teachers, feeling hungry, forgetting his lunch. Home was the only place that he could collapse, and his collapse looked like attitude. Which makes sense, right? When the body has been bracing all day, it has to release somehow and somewhere, and so it does that in the place it feels the safest. We kind of know this as parents. It doesn't make it easier, but it is important to remember. All behavior is communicating something. All behavior is simply information. The teen is not the problem. The behavior is information. So there's a concept I use inside my program called the Teenage Tree, and the leaves represent the systems and tools that help build specific skills that we want our teens to have. And when we focus only on the leaves, When we focus only on the skills or only on the tools, or we go to, you know, the internet to buy that cool thing or to get them the thing or have the experience, 'cause we think that's gonna solve the problem— grades, their disrespectful tone, their lack of effort or motivation— we miss the roots in the soil, which are the relationship they have with themselves and the relationship they have with us. And there's many different factors that impact Those relationships, biological, social, emotional, world events. There's lots of different factors that impact our state and theirs. When this dad's son was triggered, dad's body tensed up and got defensive. And the story for dad, the narrative became, he's so disrespectful. I can't believe I'm raising a son like this. But what if the behavior is not a character issue? What if it's a regulation issue? What if it's a stress issue? What if it's a lack of skill issue? Because nothing has really gone wrong. Notice the perception behind the behavior and how much it matters. We think relationships are about management. But relationships are mirrors always because your teen's behavior or your partner's behavior, your friend's behavior doesn't create your emotional charge, your emotional reaction. It just reveals it. It shows you where your nervous system reacts versus responds, where old beliefs are still running the show. Where someone's identity feels threatened. And maybe if you're really, really old school, you were raised to believe that obedience meant respect. Maybe like in my home, raised voices meant danger. I hate screaming to this day. So when your teen raises their voice, your antenna go up and your body, your nervous system reacts. As if there's a threat, as if something is seriously wrong. So this isn't about blaming one person or the other. It's something about building awareness and noticing because you can't become a guide for your teen if you're unconsciously reacting to all of their behavior. So before fixing any sort of conversation or dynamic in that moment, notice yourself, notice your body, Notice your breathing. Do you have a tight chest? Are you clenching? Are you jumping in to lecture? You can't talk to me like that. And then slow it down, tune in. So when I worked with this dad, I worked with him through this in depth and we started correcting tone immediately, started noticing energy immediately between them. Instead of the dad Automatically jumping in and saying, you can't talk to me like that, or personalizing the behavior. He had more awareness to say, did you have a long day? And because of that approach, the explosions decreased significantly between them. Why? Because safety between them increased. The teen got a sense of safety from dad, and because his reactions lessened, dad was also able to internalize safety. Like, this isn't a threat as I've been perceiving it to be. And I'm going to tell you, you've probably heard this word, but if you haven't, oftentimes with especially high-achieving, over-functioning Pinterest parenting that we've been fed, we can think, oh, we had an argument or I lost my cool and I feel like crap about it. And then we can spiral about it and really make it mean something bad about us as parents. Repair in those situations or coming back after the fact, it's never too late. And repair can be even more powerful than had you got it 100% right the first time. Now, repair without accountability, not as powerful because your words won't be trusted. But repair with accountability, there's something really profound in that. And it's a Amazing modeling for your teenager. And so that sounds like, hey, I got defensive earlier. I took your behavior personally. You're allowed to have your experience. I'm sorry. Is everything okay? And it also models emotional intelligence and emotional maturity, which are really important skills that we want our teens to have. And it's not through lecturing. It's not through more control. It's simply showing up in a different way. So if this resonates, you're not alone. There's nothing weird or wrong with you. Most parents are taught to manage versus regulate the experience and regulate the systems that we use to create the experience of parenting. Inside my free class, Confident and Connected, we strengthen those systems. I help you strengthen your identity as a guide, not a boss. And I help you understand how important it is to regulate, how important it is to skill build, So that behavior from your teen starts to shift naturally. It starts to communicate something way more positive. And so both of you can feel proud, not through force, but through safety and connection. If you're curious, if you're interested, click the link in the show notes, or you can visit my website at theteenageguide.com. And always remember, your relationships, they're not obstacles. They're always an invitation. Hey parents, talking to you moms. If May is already stressing you out, this is for you. Graduations, finals, summer planning, family in town. You're not overwhelmed because you're doing it wrong. You're overwhelmed because you're doing it all. I've got something for you. The May Reset is my 90-minute workshop and bundle that gives you back your time, your energy, and your joy fast, connect with your kid without yelling, cut your planning time in half, and leave with a real step-by-step summer plan to help either your teen get a job or create a meaningful summer between you. And then on top of it, finally put yourself back in the equation so you genuinely feel like you're moving through the season that's intended for joy with actual joy. Now I know what some of you are thinking, I don't have time. That's exactly why this is a 90-minute workshop, Actually in April, available all through the season and not a 6-week course. You watch it once, you leave with a plan. $97. If $97 feels like a lot, it's less than one therapy copay, and it's built to give you tools and support that lasts all summer long. My kid is different. The framework I use inside this workshop and with all of my clients is designed for all kinds of brains, all kinds of nervous systems, The anxious ones, the resistant ones, the ones who seem fine, but you know something's off. May is coming and so is summer. And to be honest, we all know doom scrolling and constant tech, it's just not an option. Let's make it feel different. Click the link. I'll see you inside. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing this time in yourself and If you enjoyed this episode, please continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could benefit so more people can find my content. Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teen or your young adult's life is in your relationships with yourself and them. So never doubt how much power you have. Because you are the teenage guide too.
