Ep45: Why You Keep Reacting to Your Teen (Even When You Know Better)

Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, here to guide you to the soul-to-system support you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is the Teenage Guide Podcast. Hi there. Before we dive in, stick with me until the end because I have something really special to share with you. I ran the May Reset Workshop live on April 19th, and everything inside that workshop is now available to you inside a package and a bundle. I'll tell you all about it at the end of the episode. All right, let's get into it. Hey there, welcome back to The Teenage Guide Podcast. I'm so excited for today's episode because I have put together a series of episodes that I've been wanting to bring to you for a really long time. This is the Reset Series, 3 episodes and the 3 Selves. The 3 Selves are the framework that I use with all my clients to get incredible results. For parents and for teens. And honestly, it's the foundation of everything that I teach. So let's start with a question I hear all the time from parents and from teens. How do I get out of a thought loop? How do I get out of an anxious or stressed or fearful narrative? You know exactly what I'm talking about. The voice that just tells you, this is way too much. I can't do this. There's no other way. There's no other possibilities. I don't wanna take a deep breath. It's the only thing that you can think about. It's all-consuming. I'm failing at this. Whatever your thought loop is, it just feeds on itself. And the more you think about it, the louder it gets. Here's what most people do. They try to think their way out of it. They try to analyze it more. They try to dissect it themselves or figure out a solution in their brain. In their mind, in the midst of the thought loop. And what I want you to really get is that you can never think your way out of a thought loop. It's that classic quote, which is, you can't expect to solve the challenge with the same problem that got you into it in the first place, right? You can't think your way out of it. It is a somatic experience to get you out of the thought loop, to break up the energy. You have to— Use your body. You have to disrupt it. And the way that you do that, the way that you disrupt a thought loop and break it, it happens in your body. It happens somatically. That's exactly what I'm gonna walk you through inside this 3-part series. Today is part 1. So I wanna give you an overview of what's coming in these 3 parts, in these 3 episodes. When parents come to me, they're often looking for a quick fix or tell them the solution to one of the 3 challenges here. How do I get my teen to do what they need to do? How do I get them to listen to me without me feeling like a nag? And how do I build trust between us? They wanna know the thing to buy, the script to say, the strategy to try. And I get it so much. I get it. When things are hard in the moment, you wanna be able to know exactly what to do. And you don't want it in like a week when you can have a session. You want it right away. But here's what I found in all the families that I've worked with. There is a gap between information and action, and we do not live in information shortage. You can go out on the internet right now and find all the information that you want, but there's a gap between knowing and doing. You can listen to every podcast, you can read every book, you can listen to every hot tip from the latest expert, and you can still feel Stuck. Not because the information isn't right, but it's the difference between knowing information, knowing something, and embodying it and living it. So what I'm sharing inside this Reset series is both. It's both education and information, and it's action. It's how to actually make it real in your life. Because action isn't always like, I'm running. It's a physical thing. Action is also what happens internally for you, what's happening in your mind, what's happening somatically for you in your nervous system, and the way that you're treating yourself in the process. I would argue the most important action happens right inside of you. Everything in your life is an extension of the relationship that you have with yourself right here, right now. So the framework I'm walking you through today is what I call the 3 3 selves. And when you internalize the 3 selves, when they become part of how you think, how you behave, and how you experience life, they don't just change things on a kind of surface level. It completely shifts your identity. It shifts how you see yourself. It shifts how you show up in the world. It shifts every relationship, especially the most important one, Aside from the one you have with yourself, which is the one that you have with your children, with your teenager. Each self is a layer and they build on each other. They are absolute best friends. They all coincide together. And again, they're the foundation for everything you want. More peace, more presence, less pressure, and more connection and confidence. So today we are starting with self number 1, Self-awareness. So self-awareness on the surface sounds pretty general, right? It's like, of course I know what I'm, who I am and what I like and my preferences. And, but the thing is, is like, do you? Because most people think they're self-aware, but a lot of the challenges in our relationships and in our life and in our society would go away in an instant if people practiced true self-awareness. It goes way deeper than most people might realize. Self-awareness is the ability to observe what you're thinking and feeling and observe it, notice it without judging it, without criticizing it. Be curious about it. Huh, I was just thinking that right then. I wonder what that means. Or I just had this feeling instead of immediately telling myself I'm stupid or I shouldn't feel that way, or I can't believe I had that cycle again. And completely lashed out. You're curious about your own self and your own experience, and you're not immediately trying to fix it. You are simply witnessing yourself. And the truth is, is that most people are not doing it. They are letting the external world tell us how we should think and feel and behave. Most people are slaves to their to-do list, to outside circumstances, to the media, to demands and responsibilities without ever pausing to check in. We oftentimes don't have an authentic, real relationship with ourselves. We're kind of just going with the flow, along for the ride. And one of my favorite coaches says, if you're going with the flow, whose flow are you going with? Right? You gotta be aware of whose flow you're actually going with. Is it one that you would choose? Part of what I believe so deeply Is that in order to thrive with your teenager, you have to have a great relationship with yourself. You have to get your power back in ways that it's being drained, oftentimes unconsciously. And the same is true for your teenager. In a world that's constantly telling all of us, and especially them right now, how to look, who to be, how you're valuable, how many likes, shares, subscribes you have, how many swipes you get, all this external validation, it is even more important that we double down on the idea that the best thing that we can do is to help them build their own self-awareness and healthy identity. They need that solid relationship with themselves more than anything else. And that starts here with self-awareness. So let me make this really practical in your own real lived life. So let's say that your teen triggers you. In some moment, they might be moody. They might say, no, I'm not gonna do that. They, you may feel like a nag with them, whatever it is. All right. So there's a trigger from your teen and you tune inward without reacting yet, without reacting at all. You tune in. What am I thinking? What's my narrative right now? Huh? Well, I'm telling myself that they're lazy, or I'm telling myself they're going to fail this class. And then what are they gonna do? They're gonna take summer school, or what are they gonna do? They're gonna flunk outta school, right? You see what happens? You start to question and observe the narrative and the thought process behind the feeling. And then you start to maybe feel tight or stressed or hot. You're clenching in ways you're not even aware of. Oh wow, there we go. There's that tightening. There's that tension rising up in me. There's the triggered moment. And between that trigger And the moment that you either respond or react, there is this micro-moment. And it's small, it's tiny, it's fast, but it's there. What self-awareness asks you to do is to expand that micro-moment, right? It goes from being this small moment that's very unconscious to a larger moment where you are curious about your state, about your thinking, and about your feelings. You slow down your internal process just enough to notice, huh, what's going on with me right now? That's it. That is the very first step. Not fixing it, not analyzing it, not immediately responding or reacting, just noticing. And what happens when we don't do this? Well, we know. We lash out, we yell, we become reactive, We personalize situations. We hold resentments. We become passive-aggressive. You can see the negative dysfunctional relational loops that can start when we don't tune into what's actually going on in that moment. And then what happens after that is we feel terrible about it. And then we enter into what I call the shame spiral. But when you start to become the teenage guide inside your own home, Which is what I'm inviting you to do. You become someone who notices. One trigger, tune in. Interesting. Interesting, I'm triggered right now. Interesting, I'm thinking that. Huh. And in that noticing, you get your power back. You create more choice and options in your life. You model how to build skills and awareness to the people that matter the most to you and to people that you may not even care about. And the world needs more of this, right? You create space and reduce stress in that moment. Self-awareness is not selfish. I want to be really clear about that. It's actually one of the greatest gifts that you can give yourself and everyone in your life. So that's number one, self-awareness, the ability To notice what is happening inside of you, in your internal world, inside your thinking, inside your being, inside your body, your mind, and your spirit all the time. Not from a self-absorbed place, but from a place of curiosity and compassion. And to expand that micro-moment between trigger and response. In episode 2, I'm walking you through the next self, Self-regulation. And I'm going to walk you through an actual embodied somatic tool that you can practice to regulate your nervous system. Like in a moment, it's very simple. And a lot of people talk about the importance of regulating our nervous system. And then a lot of us have no clue what that means. I'm going to make it so simple for you to be able to start applying this to your life right now. And remember, I've also got my May Reset Workshop where I actually walk you through this in depth and give you so much more. Plus you get access and a sneak peek of 10 days inside my Thrive membership and community, and you have access to me on a deeper level. That is available to you right now. I went live with it on April 19th, so you can get your hands on it right away. The link is in the show notes. It is one of the most value-packed workshops I've ever offered, and it's specifically for parents during any busy season, But I particularly made it around May because May can be so intense for parents with graduations, with finals, with party planning, with all the things that we're managing to close up a school year and handling. And how do we do that with more joy, more ease, more celebration, which is what it's intended for versus stress. That's what all of this is about. So that you can access what you really wanna access, which is peace. So on that note, I'll see you in episode 2 for the next part in this 3-part reset series. And remember, never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing this time in yourself and your team. If you enjoyed this episode, please continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could benefit so more people can find my content.