In this solo episode of The Teenage Guide Podcast, host Ashley Chandler presents the final part of her "Reset Series" for parents, focusing on self‑compassion as the third pillar of her three‑self framework (self‑awareness, self‑regulation, self‑compassion). She explains that self‑awareness means observing one’s thoughts and impact on teens without judgment; self‑regulation involves signaling safety to the nervous system so parents can respond rather than react; and self‑compassion, drawing on Dr. Kristin Neff’s research, breaks the "shame spiral" that traps parents after a triggered reaction. Chandler offers a simple practice: internally affirming that feelings are natural, validating one’s humanity without excusing behavior, and using this validation to reset before engaging with a teen. She argues that without self‑compassion, parents seek external validation, perpetuating stress and shame, whereas cultivating self‑compassion aligns the three selves, models healthy behavior for teens, and fosters resilience. The episode also promotes a May Reset bundle—a 90‑minute live workshop recording, a digital audio‑video workbook "Teenage Guide to Finish the School Year Strong," AI time‑saving hacks, the Challenge Mountain Framework, and ten‑day access to her Thrive membership—priced at $97. Additional offerings include a summer "Living Well" series, guest speakers, yoga, and community support. Chandler closes with a call to action to join the Thrive community, subscribe, and share the podcast, emphasizing the parent’s power to create an inside‑out transformation for themselves and their teenagers.
Chapters
Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, here to guide you to the soul-to-system support you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. Before we dive in, stick with me until the end of this episode because I have something special to share with you. So on April 19th, I ran a live workshop Coupled with a bundle, and I call it the May Reset. So I'm gonna give you all the details at the end. Let's get into this episode. This is what I call the Reset Series. So if you ever need a reset as a parent, or you just feel like you wanna hit the reset button, I'm so happy that you're here and listening to this. If you haven't listened to the first 2 previous 2 episodes as part of this series, go ahead and do that. This final part is a step in a reset that most people skip. So a quick recap, self number 1 in the reset series is self-awareness. And really simply, it's the ability to be aware of ourselves, our thinking, our own narratives, our own impact on our teenagers or our partners, and to be able to observe ourselves Without judgment and more curiosity. In episode 2 of this reset series, I go through self number 2, which is self-regulation. There's a lot of talk on the internet and everywhere, which is really important, about we got to regulate our nervous systems. So in episode 2, I walk you through what that actually means and how to Signal safety to our bodies and our brains so that when we are triggered as parents, which happens to everyone, then we can respond with more logic, intuition, and less reactivity. In other words, we have the ability to feel the emotion, to decrease stress and move through it. And that is episode 2 in this reset series. And now Part 3 is self number 3, and this is self-compassion. Now, Dr. Kristin Neff runs the Self-Compassion Institute, and I get this research and work from her. She's incredible. She does incredible work. I highly recommend her work. I find it to be a really critical piece of this reset puzzle for parents because here's what I see a lot of the time. Parents are practicing becoming more aware, They're trying their best to regulate. Some people think they need to be calm all the time. They don't. It's natural to be triggered. It's natural to have emotions. And so through the work that I do with my clients, but also inside this series, you'll notice that I'm talking a lot about how to actually signal that you're safe. It's okay to be triggered. We can practice. Decreasing stress in that moment with self-regulation. And then what happens is let's say parents are practicing that awareness work, they're practicing self-regulation, but they don't practice self-compassion. This is what I call the shame spiral. I want you to imagine like you're triggered from your teen, right? And in the moment you become aware, you're like, oh, this is my narrative. You're decreasing stress, but you snap. And then you feel ashamed and it keeps you stuck. And then you go to bed that night, like replaying the event in your head and just feeling terrible about it. And so it keeps you stuck in the loop that there is no progress. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. I'm so ashamed of myself. I can't believe I acted like that again. And I'm still getting this wrong. So this is the gap. That the practice of self-compassion fills in truly resetting. And without the practice of self-compassion, there's a crack in the foundation of actually resetting, of genuinely building a stronger foundation for you and your teen's relationship. So again, I mentioned Dr. Kristin Neff. I'll link her work in the show notes. And I wanna walk you through a really simple way to think about what self-compassion really is. So self-compassion is the ability to validate and understand your own experience without judgment or shame, recognizing your own humanity. You are imperfect. You are going to make mistakes and recognizing why you may have had that reaction in the first place and validating it. One of the most simple ways to do this is to tune inward and use the words, it's natural... fill in the blanks. Okay? It's natural I'm triggered right now because it's hard to be yelled at. It's natural I snapped when I did because I'm holding so much invisible stress that no one around me can see. You're not justifying bad behavior. from yourself, but you are witnessing it and you're making sense of it and you are bringing compassion to yourself and your own humanity without making excuses for it. You are in the practice of being on your own side, and it doesn't need to be logical. It's recognizing, I am a human being and I need to recognize my own humanity In this moment. And it is as simple as that. It really, really is. Here's what I see a lot. Parents might practice a little bit of self-awareness. They might try de-stressing or practicing self-regulation. They don't practice self-compassion. And so then when they go to meet their teen where they are or have a conversation or try to initiate some sort of collaboration or something, subconsciously they are expecting the teenager to validate their own human experience. Like, yeah, but you did this and can't you see that I'm exhausted? Or can't you see how hard I'm trying? So the practice of self-compassion is like reset for yourself. You are in the practice of validating your own human experience without subconsciously consciously expecting your teenager to do it for you first. And surprisingly, this is hard for so many parents that I work with initially, especially moms, because we have been conditioned to be available, to put others' needs ahead of our own, to be the patient one, to be the emotional container. And when we snap or we react harshly, or we react with anger or fear or control and it spirals, We feel ashamed. We feel like we should have done better. And this is the practice of letting go of that. You are retraining yourself in how to take care of yourself in those moments when you feel stressed, when you feel depleted, when you feel like no one understands you. And the most beautiful piece that happens when we practice self-compassion is that it makes the other selves come together. It's like they, like I said from the beginning, they are best friends. They work in tandem with each other. We become more aware of our own experience. We are able to access our self-regulation tools and our experience and de-stress in a way that enables us to access self-compassion even more freely. And when we don't, What we're doing is we're seeking from someone else the exact experience that we need to give ourselves. We're seeking someone being aware of our own experience. We're seeking something outside of us de-stressing the experience for us. We're seeking to be seen, valued, and heard without seeing, valuing, and hearing Ourselves. And the slightly uncomfortable truth of it all is what I've said before in a previous episode, which is we are all mirrors for each other. So we have to practice seeing, hearing, and valuing ourselves before we can expect someone else to. All of this is an inside job. That's why I say the work that I do with my clients and inside my Thrive membership is about modeling and coaching you to become the teenage guide inside your own home. And one more thing I wanna emphasize in this is that there's nothing weird or wrong with you. You are not broken because you need a reset. You are a human being who was conditioned to perceive, believe, and behave in certain ways growing up. And so the ways that you show up now that you may not be so proud of, the reactivity, the impatience, the need for control, those moments where you're starting to cringe maybe, and that's why you're listening to this, 'cause you're like, something's gotta change. Those are not character flaws. Those are ways that you've been conditioned to respond or react to your world. And so they were formed from a younger version of you that used them to feel safe. And they worked for a time and they no longer work because you have to start to identify as the guide in your home with your teenagers. Not the boss. You want everyone around you to be okay right now, just like you did when you were younger. And this is the way to ensure that everyone is gonna be okay. So when you slip up, remember, this is not some performance that you can be perfect at, and you're gonna check some boxes and, I've arrived. I can practice the 3 selves all the time, 24 hours a day. No one does that, not even me. The answer in this is not more self-criticism. It is That's truly more self-compassion. I'm human. I'm gonna make mistakes. I'm doing this in real time with real human beings and a real teenager who really needs me to show up in a different way. And when you make mistakes, because you will, you try again. You repair and you stay accountable to this process. You make a decision to commit to tuning in and being more compassionate with yourself. And the self-love piece that people talk about, the self-care piece that experts talk about, and you're marketed to, go get that bubble bath, go get that face mask, go get that mani and pedi. That is not true self-care. True self-care is in these 3 selves. Self-awareness, Self-regulation and self-compassion. True self-care is the feeling that comes with this practice of knowing that you are on your own side. You are at home within yourself. And if you are practicing this as a parent, imagine the modeling and the embodiment of being a guide that you are sharing with your teenager. Imagine What they are witnessing from you. And that is how they learn to be self-aware. That is how they learn to regulate their nervous systems, get themselves into a balance, decrease stress, and build stress resilience. And that is how they learn to be aware, to be patient, compassionate, and gentle with themselves and their own imperfections, their own humanity. And there you have it. The full reset, self-awareness, self-regulation, self-compassion. So know that when you work with me in any capacity, this is the foundation of everything that I coach parents and teens and young adults through. It's the foundation of everything that you wanna experience. Okay. So I promised you something at the beginning of this episode, and here it is. So on April 19th, like I said, I hosted this 90-minute live workshop called the May Reset. And the good news is that Whether you were live with me or not, you now have access to the workshop and a bundle of other resources designed for you and your teen to be able to move through May and approach May with confidence, connection, and decreased stress so that you genuinely enjoy what this season is about. So here's what's inside. First, I dive deeper into this 3 Selves framework. I also share final strategies inside my Teenage Guide to Finish the School Year Strong, which is a digital audio-video workbook coaching guide for your teen. I've run many finals prep workshops for teens, and I walk them through my best time management mindset and prioritization strategies so that they have a really solid study plan and way to approach finals. I also share some of my top AI hacks in order to cut your time in half so that you can be more present During this extremely busy season. And you are getting an inside look at what I call my Challenge Mountain Framework, which is my step-by-step process to get your teen to listen to you and do what they need to do so that you both can build skills together. And in other words, you can take this Challenge Mountain Framework and you can apply it to having a meaningful summer. And I walk you through how to do that because let's be honest, Screens all summer are not a plan and they are non-negotiable. With this entire May reset and bundle, you get the workshop, you get that Teenage Guide to Finish the School Year Strong, and you get 10 days of access inside my Thrive Parent membership and community. I also have exciting guest speakers and group coaching in there with the best community in the world of the most inclusive, people who really get it, and a very warm, inviting place for you to land. The whole package, the May Reset and this bundle, are $97. And then after that, you have the option to continue joining me and all members inside Thrive Membership and Community. Inside Thrive this summer, I'm having an entire Living Well Summer Series. There's gonna be guest speakers and yoga and fun creative activities we're going to do together. We're going to have working hours, all touchpoints where you can join me and really get a sense of what it is to thrive. Not some artificial outside of yourself achievement that you're going to get and then you're going to be good enough, but a genuine feeling from the inside out that you have a great relationship with yourself. You have a great relationship to parenting. And you are building an amazing relationship with your teenager at a time when it matters most. The link to grab the May Reset and the bundle is in the show notes, as well as all the ways that you can access free resources and ways to work with me. I would absolutely love to see you inside. Thank you so much for being here. It means everything to me to be able to be your guide. And I wanna leave you with this. Remember, never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I'll see you next week. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing this time in yourself and your team. If you enjoyed this episode, please continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could benefit so more people can find my content.
