EP5: How to help your t(w)een build essential executive function skills

Well, hi there. Welcome back to the Teenage Guide Podcast. I am so excited to talk to you about executive function skills inside this episode. I find in 2024, executive function is becoming a little bit more commonplace in terms of parents, you knowing what it is, or teachers talking about it, but it's not mainstream yet. And so inside this episode, I am going to break down kind of an Executive Function 101 so that if you don't know what it is, by the end of this episode you're gonna know. You're gonna understand why building executive function skills during your adolescent's life, during this stage of life, is so important and how much it improves their quality of life, their confidence, They're feeling successful from the inside out and actually showing success in their accomplishments and their resilience and their relationships and so on. And so if you are interested in improving you and your teen's life, your tween's life, you're definitely going to want to stick around for this episode all the way to the end. Let's dive in. So what exactly is executive function? Well, here is the simplest way to think about it. Executive function skills are a set of quality of life skills that enable a human being to think clearly, logically, to act with integrity, I like to call it to dream big, to know themselves enough to dream big and make their dreams real through emotional regulation, strategic action, time management, project planning, task execution, and more. So when I work with clients, I describe executive function skills as you learning to be the boss of your life. You can think of executive As boss. Executive equals boss, being the boss of your life. You know that when psychologists or people in the, in the mental health space, we talk about what do human beings actually really need and really want. And if you were to get down to the foundational elements of what we really need and what we want, it's to feel seen, loved, and valued. And so how does that relate to executive function? Well, I want you to think about executive function skills as almost like a pyramid. This is so helpful because oftentimes what parents do is they come to me and they say, how do I get my teenager to do what they need to do? They just are horrible at time management, or they're— they wait to the last minute for everything, and they don't know how to plan a project, right? This is really common. This is actually not explicitly taught when you get to middle school and high school, but it's expected. And so it's really common to have these challenges. But at the base of the pyramid, we cannot jump to higher-level executive function skills like time management and project planning quite yet. We have to start at the foundation, and that starts with emotional and self-regulation. So when you think about emotional regulation, As it relates to your tween or your teen embodying them feeling seen, loved, and valued, it's because you're practicing feeling seen, loved, and valued first through regulating, balancing your emotions. In the moment, this might look like pausing when you receive information or when you have a trigger. Before you have any reaction, or maybe it's you noticing your own experience, you're feeling seen. You're validating your own experience. You're feeling loved and valued, and you're modeling this to them. I have a client who came to me and she was really struggling because she and her teen were in this cycle Where she was reacting harshly to their outbursts, their emotional outbursts, and then personalizing them and making them mean something offensive about her. And why does she have to be so snarky to me? And doesn't she see everything I do for her? Right? And just feeling really disrespected or just feeling like she was blaming her teen. Like, why can't you just do what you need to do? It's not that hard. Right. Why can't you just listen to me, right? This is really common and there's no shame in it because as the great Maya Angelou says, once you know better, you do better, right? And I think it's really important for you to understand that what happened as a result of our work together with this mom, she started to shift the way that she viewed that entire interaction, whether it be about her not listening to her. Or about these emotional outbursts, she started to not take them personally anymore, right? They're not a personal attack in the moment. They're an expression of underlying stress or the inability to perform certain skills. And then through that work, I was able to guide her in how to support her daughters building executive function skills. And that started with emotional regulation so that when her teenage daughter came to her and/or reacted to her with this emotional outburst, she knew how to notice her own experience. She knew how to validate that experience, and she knew how to practice becoming aware of her emotions, balancing them, moving through them without spiraling into anxiety, into yelling, into fighting. Or defensiveness. Okay, so it's so important to know and remember that there are many things underneath the surface of executive function. You can think of it like the age-old iceberg metaphor, right? Think about your own to-do list for a second. What kinds of things are on there? I would hazard a guess, probably grocery shopping, sign your kid up for the sports team or theater class, Find a therapist, have that hard conversation, plan carpool for next week, do taxes, clear out your top drawer, return that top to Target, take your car in for that oil change, right? Write that email. So you see how many things are on our to-do list, whether we write them down or not. They're taking up brain space, right? And think about all the skills each one of those to-dos requires. Think about all the skills they require: emotional intelligence, self-awareness, emotional regulation, planning, prioritizing, communication. And sometimes you know what you need to do. You may know that to-do list. You may know that you need to have that hard conversation or do your taxes or write that email, but You're overwhelmed. You may not even be aware you're overwhelmed. You just keep getting distracted or making excuses or putting it off because it's so uncomfortable, and you don't do it. Or you don't even know where to begin, so you don't do it. You put it off for some reason, right? Again, very common. And so when we think about executive function as an iceberg, we're looking underneath the surface Of what could be there preventing us from performing the tasks, right? From doing the thing. And it happens to all of us. It happens to me. I know my to-do list, but that doesn't mean I don't go on Instagram and find all my most hilarious comedians that I follow and just laugh for 30 minutes. That's not on my to-do list, but it feels way better. To do that and to laugh than it does to do that thing that's on my list that's been on my list for 2 months that I keep putting off, right? So we want to uncover what those blocks are. Maybe it's not knowing how to do the thing. Maybe it's really uncomfortable. The feelings are uncomfortable. We want to get clear on what it is. There are certain things that we're skilled in and others that we are challenged by for various reasons. And this is the same for your adolescent. There's so much underneath the surface for them, and we have to start by practicing our own emotional regulation so they can learn to co-regulate with us, so they can learn to become aware of what they're feeling, move through it, not make it mean anything bad about them, and then take the next right action. So I want you to think about the last time that you were activated or triggered by something, or you saw them stressed. So think about the last time you were triggered by something they did, or you saw them stressed. Just think about it for a minute. What happened? What's your interpretation of what happened? And what was your reaction in the moment? Were you present with them? Were you annoyed? Did you yell back? You know, again, no judgment. We want to start with curiosity. That's what we want to do. We really want to get curious about our own behavior. And what was their behavior? How were they acting? What you're doing right now is you're getting present to the moment so that you can become aware of your own emotion. This is how you practice first yourself feeling seen for who you are. Getting curious about your own behavior. Now, I walk you through inside when you work with me privately, you get a step-by-step process in how to do this. But this is like a snapshot of what we go through. This is a really high level of what it's like, because you need to become the director of your own mind as the parent. You need to become the owner of your thinking. Your beliefs, your behavior, and your experience. I love that quote, I am the captain of my ship. I am the master of my soul. This is 100% true, and this is where so much of your power lies as a parent. You've got to get curious about your own behavior and your own experience. Now, when it comes to wondering where your tween or your teen should be, and I say should very loosely, I want you to consider that adolescence is really this invisible bridge, and it's as if you're running a relay. You're passing the baton of executive function skills to them as they advance in age, stage, and ability, and it's really dependent on their individual capability at that time. Sometimes parents come to me and they are challenged because they have a senior in high school who can't do certain things, and they're nervous and That's okay. They're gonna learn. They're going to learn. So start where you are. They might struggle a little bit more when they're independent, but, but it's okay. They're gonna be okay. Start where you are. No judgment if they are 19 and they don't have certain skills. And this goes big time for kids who are neurodivergent. Okay, if your kid has, for example, ADHD, Their brain is not fully developed to be able to perform executive function skills until they are in their really mid-20s. So lots of grace, lots of patience, right? Start where you are. I know grown adults, including myself, who are still mastering some of these skills. And they don't know them at all. They've never even heard of them. They've never actually thought strategically or specifically around, oh, I'm really not strong in that, or that's a skill I want to work on. And sometimes they're just unconscious, right? You don't— again, no one was talking about executive function skills in the '90s. And so it's really important that you understand, again, you're starting with where you are too. So If you're a midlifer like me and you're thinking, crap, I'm terrible at that, okay, that's fine. I want you to actually use this as inspiration to feel empowered to start practicing building the skill right alongside your teenager. I actually think it's also really fascinating when you start to examine executive function skills as this iceberg, and if you start looking underneath the surface, there's different kinds of stress that impact our ability to self-regulate, to emotionally regulate. And I, you know, my husband is a classic example because, you know, give him someone crunching in his face or simply eating, you know, a sandwich, whatever it is, and that can feel like crunching to him. Give him that coupled with a deadline at work, and he immediately becomes dysregulated. He might snap or just be like, oh. You know, turn down— gosh, will you please stop smacking? Meanwhile, you're not smacking, right? This is an example of these underlying stressors or triggers that can cause us to become emotionally dysregulated, meaning we get out of logic and we snap or we react in that moment, or we lash out like that teenager with their mom about something totally unrelated. To whatever it is, and it blocks our ability to think logically, to do the thing we need to do, to plan the project, to manage our time. So how do you start to make this real in your life? Well, I want you to consider whatever season you're in right now. I'm recording this in back-to-school season here in the United States. Maybe it's winter when you're listening to this. Maybe it's spring. Maybe it's the summer. And I want you to think about you and your teenagers or your tween, your daily routine. It might not look the same every day, but a general flow of the daily routine. And what are some of the biggest pain points? What are some of the biggest challenges? Often this can be after school or with homework or evening responsibilities or extracurriculars. This can be in any moment of transition, like leaving for the house or getting home or dinner, right? Or potentially in just the way you're communicating about something. Here is a magic tip, and I've alluded to it multiple times already, but I want you to know this: 100% of the time, you're going to start with your own emotional regulation, because this is how your teenager learns Emotional regulation. This is how they learn to self-regulate and to move up that pyramid into higher-level executive function skills. And when you're thinking about those pain points, is there overwhelm? Is there anxiety, emotional breakdowns? Those are your areas of focus. Is it priorities slipping through the cracks or Being able to stay accountable to something or just even start the dang thing, right? Start the task that needs to be done. Those are clues that that's the area of focus. If it's simply not knowing what's happening at school, it's you guiding them to become intentional around that pain point. Maybe it's around procrastinating or just spiraling emotionally because they feel overwhelmed. They don't know where to focus. Where is it? And where the problem is, is where you'll likely need to continually practice and model your own emotional regulation and then intentionally guide them to build that specific skill. Now, you're going to need to have an explicit conversation or 2 or 10 as the guide, letting them know that you see this pattern. And you're there to guide them and help them. Let them know you're going to practice a new system to build skills, a new routine, and you're going to ask them for their input and how they'd like to be supported, but that building the skill itself is non-negotiable. And you're not going to put added pressure on them that they have to build this skill and be perfect at it in the next week, right? You are simply letting them know— This is becoming such a problem, and it's really causing a lot of stress for me and for you, that we are going to intentionally build it over time, and I'm going to help you. So that's it. That is an overview of Executive Function 101, right? You now understand that it's the set of skills. It's a quality of life set of skills. I love an executive function coach, Seth Perler. He calls it a quality of life issue, and I love that because it's oh so true. Ultimately, what we want as parents is for our kids to know themselves, for them to dream big, make their dreams real, and make the world a better place. We want them to act with integrity, right? We want them to be— just by being themselves and using their gifts and talents, that they are, you know, improving people's quality of life. And that requires a certain skill. Right? I shared a real story about a mom coming to me personalizing her teen's behavior and then realizing this is just an area where we need to focus and skill build, right? This is an area where we've got to practice executive function skills, and that starts with my own emotional regulation. And I also walked you through your to-do list. How many skills are required in you being This capable, compassionate person, right, who is a parent, who is a contributor to society, right? It requires a lot of skills, and even you probably have struggles, right? Even you put things off. So I hope and trust that this episode supports you in some way. Now you understand a little bit more about executive function skills and why they are so important in you and your tweener teen's life. And I want to encourage you to take action every day, every single day, even just a little bit of action that guides you, helps you become more self-aware, more self-sufficient, and more self-compassionate, because these are the ultimate goals. Of course, your approach with them is everything in how you get them to listen to you, do what they need to do while trust builds between you. So if you want to learn more around how this approach works, And the step-by-step behind this approach, do not miss out on my next Do Listen Trust class happening live each week throughout this back-to-school season. The link to register is in the show notes. You can also head to theteenageguide.com/class. That's teenageguide, theteenageguide.com/class. Or you can just head to my website to register. Theteenageguide.com. Never underestimate the power you have. You and your teen were made for each other.