EP7: How to approach middle & high school with confidence

Welcome back to the Teenage Guide Podcast. I'm Ashley Chandler and I'm so happy that you're here. So this is gonna be a good one because whether your tween or your teen is transitioning into middle school or high school for the first time, or they're just going to a new grade, 'cause we know 8th grade is very, very different than 6th, and we know that senior year is very different than freshman year, right? So whether or not they're going into it for the first time or they're leaping into a new grade, chances are that it can stir up a lot of stress or anxiety or nervousness or fear. Fear in either one of you. There's so many unknowns, there's new responsibilities, new expectations, new social conditions and circumstances and experiences, etc. And so inside this episode, I'm going to break down the information that you really need to know that needs to be on your radar. And once you have this information, this education, and you feel empowered, there's no reason to be afraid. So let's dive into it. If you're like most parents, you want your tween or your teen to be kind, confident, and motivated with a trusting, respectful relationship between you to boot. But how? Do you have to read all the parenting books and take all the parenting classes? Does it have to be so complicated? The short, exciting answer? No. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, and in this podcast, I share what I've learned throughout my 18 years as an educator and a coach For parents, tweens, and teens, the latest soul-to-systems research you must know, along with my personal experience as the mother of a teenager, to help you and your adolescent develop a bond and skills that last a lifetime. This is the Teenage Guide Podcast. So I want to start by talking about middle school, and I'm going to give you kind of a breakdown of high-level things to just have on your radar as your kiddo is transitioning into, into middle school. The first one being brain reconstruction. If you've listened to me a little bit so far, you know I'm big on you knowing about their brain reconstruction. What I want you to understand is that they're going through the second largest reconstruction period of their whole life, which means their emotional brain is in charge a lot, which means that their emotional Their moods being like a roller coaster, their impulsiveness or reactivity largely is because they're in their emotional brain a lot. So you're going to lead with grace, and you're going to become unoffendable, and you're going to practice kind of seeing that bird's eye view, that higher perspective. And it's not that they get to walk all over you; it's just you're not going to take everything so personally because it's not personal. They actually need you to model a different way. They need you to model self. And so to understand and meet them where they're at, and in order for them to be prepared for middle school and be prepared for this new stage, you want to understand their brain's under construction, right? You want them to understand that. And when they do, they don't make their moods, them lashing out, them being reactive or not making any sense sometimes, they don't make it mean anything bad about them. And you don't either. It's natural to feel nervous about the transition. Again, there's nothing weird or wrong with either of you. It's a really big leap. The next thing I want you to understand and to practice kind of high level to know about middle school is to explicitly call out fears and then get practice around them in really tactical, kind of tangible ways. I've been running a summer camp here in my local Colorado community called Middle School Prep Camp for 5 years now, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm not kidding you when I tell you that nearly 100% of campers love it. It's not school, it's not about school. It's really like a personal development seminar for kids going into middle school because it focuses on them feeling confident, included, seen from the inside out. In addition to that, I give them really tactical, tangible practice around things that they're nervous about: walks, changing classes, introducing themselves to new people, making new friends, having to go somewhere that's unfamiliar to them and ask for help, right? We We get really comfortable calling out our fears and getting practice around them and normalizing them. So I encourage you to do that at home as well. Because you can create a middle school prep camp inside your own home. You're not gonna be a camp director per se, but you could get a combination lock or you could practice, make a game out of changing classes in your house and invite some friends over. You could play a dare game as a family or as friends and encourage them to go up to someone and introduce themselves in a new environment. They're gonna think you're nuts probably and roll their eyes, but the approach matters. There's a way to make it fun, and when you can explicitly call it out, it kind of makes them not have the spotlight on them, like there's again something weird or wrong with them, they're the only one. Once we get in an environment where we realize, oh, these are really common fears, then we don't feel so nervous. The next thing I really want you to understand about middle school and to internalize is to not expect too much too soon. You are walking them, you are guiding them across this invisible bridge of adolescence and they are in real time learning skills and if again, if you've been listening to me for a little bit, you know I'd argue everything is a skill— self-awareness, accountability, emotional intelligence, empathy, time management and so on and so you're walking them across this bridge They are learning certain skills in real time and they're not gonna be great at everything. This is an intentional time in middle school to be really experimental, to let them fail a little bit, to let them kind of— to guide them, to show them how to do it at first, to watch them struggle a little bit, let them do it, and practice along the way. Because by the time they get to 8th grade, you want them to be a lot more independent because once they get to high school, that's really encouraged, is for them to be largely managing schools and teachers, etc., on their own. It doesn't mean you're not an advocate or you don't know what's going on, it's just you really want the middle school years to be kind of this fertile ground for them to practice those things so that it can also build resilience and confidence when more is expected of them a little bit later on. The next thing to have on your radar when it comes to middle school, don't be surprised when there's social-emotional challenges. It's not an indication that your kid's never gonna find their people, their soul friends, as I call them. It's not an indication that they're never gonna be confident. It's very, very natural. It's a natural part of growing up to look outside of ourselves at this point and to seek validation and just belonging. And so what you focus on at home is critical, What they're going through at school oftentimes is hard, it's challenging, friendships break up, people are kind of figuring out who they are, what they value, what they're into, what their interests are, and it's like a big science, messy science experiment sometimes. And I know it's painful to watch them struggle sometimes. I know the drama can be brutal. I know that it is— it's like your heart walking outside of your body to see them, and all you want is for people to love them and accept them for exactly who they are. I know that, so you're going to practice doing that at home. Your fire alarms are not going to be going off when it happens. There's just key ways to support them. I just don't want you to get your expectations all ruffled up thinking something's wrong with them, something's wrong with you. If there is a little bit of a challenge at this period of time socially and emotionally. And lastly, because it is so uncomfortable to watch them struggle, it is so uncomfortable to give them a little bit more space between you, watch them fail, kind of go through this experimental phase, especially if you love being in control like so many of us think that we are, you know, we love having the illusion of control. This is when you are going to double down. On taking care of you. And it's a myth to think self-care is just a hot bubble bath and a face mask once a week. Self-care and self-compassion shows up in the micro moments of your day. And so when you are cultivating a practice of taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself, being patient with yourself, enriching your own life, this is great modeling for them. And it also helps you regulate your own nervous system. It helps bring you into balance. So that you can kind of withstand the friction with them a little bit more. You can model to them what it's like to go through a period of stress or challenge and just be there, to just show up, to get through it. And we all know we can't pour from an empty cup, right? It's the airplane mask. We have to put on our mask first for survival. There's a lot of research out there that has actually— this one study said that the middle school years are when moms are most depressed. So I just want to validate that, and I see that, and I, I respect the place that you're in because your heart again is walking outside your body. You have less and less control. They want less to do with you. They're struggling a little bit more. You're going to double down on your own female friendships or male friendships. You are going to double down on your own self-compassion, self-care, and developing your own resilience so that you can really meet them in this moment. All right, and here we are with high school where this is kind of a high-level overview of what I believe is really important for you to understand and what's often not talked about as your teenager is entering their freshman year or depending on whatever the year they are in high school. This is what I see over and over again where teens and parents need support, what they really need to understand in this big transition because I don't need to tell you the clock is ticking by the time they get to high school. That said, because we've got 4 years left or 3 or 2, this is when you really want to go all in on them building specific skills, them building more independence, more trust in your relationship. This is when you're really preparing them from the inside out, from soul to systems, to fly the coop, so to speak, right? This is the last time that they're probably going to be living with you full-time. Maybe not, maybe they'll live with you in the future at some point, but this is the last time that that you have a lot of quote-unquote influence before they go away to their next step, whether that's college, whether that's a gap year, whether that's working, whether that's junior college, whatever it is. So it's important to understand that what you're doing is you're preparing them for that, and the first piece to that is what I call future pacing without pressurizing. What I can see a lot is that there's a lot of pressure by the time teenagers get to high school. We have to get into these classes, we have to get into this sports team because then that will get us to this level. If we don't get into this class, then, then we can't do this, and that doesn't look good on a college transcript. And so the emphasis is all on the external, it's all on what's going to look good on a college application, which again, great strategy. I'm not saying it shouldn't be there. However, what can get lost is the inner journey. Right? And suggest focusing on strengths. This is when you call out strengths, when you are focused on interest. What are you interested in? Oh, interesting, that lights you up. Or you're really good at that, we could develop that more. This is future pacing. Where would you like to be in 1 year, 2 years, 3 years? And here are the steps that we could take to make that happen. When you work with me privately, I call this making manifestation real. It's kind of future pacing to where they want to be by the time they graduate, by the time that they get that diploma, right, or they end high school. Who's that person? What are they feeling on the inside? What are they believing about themselves? What are they thinking is possible for them? What are they really into? What could they spend all day doing and be in joy? What kind of people are they attracted to? These are the kinds of conversations and seeds you want to start planting, and then you can reverse engineer. Okay, I'm going to start becoming that person now. Would that future person make that decision right now as a freshman? Huh, I don't know. It can be a little bit experimental. It doesn't need to be so full of pressure. Like, everything is in the future. And you're missing the moment. And because the clock's ticking, because, because you don't have a ton of time left, you really want to emphasize the relationship at this time. You want to start to really step into being the guide who is guiding them through the process of self-reflection and self-awareness and self-compassion. You really want to go all in on that. Your relationship becomes so important at this point. I mean, it's been important the whole time, but this is when you start to develop those deep roots of trust and accountability and belief in them and mutual respect. Building trust with your teen is super important because they do have a lot more freedom. What I like to say when I coach parents is with more responsibility comes more freedom. I say that to teens as well. So encouraging them to take more responsibility on, with that comes what they ultimately want is more control in their own life, more independence, more freedom, but that's still earned. You still have boundaries as a parent. They're still living underneath your roof, right? And you are creating a structure of accountability and trust and communication so that you can follow through on that. And it is uncomfortable sometimes. They're going to push right up against your boundaries. That's part of their job. So a few things to know about trust building is it happens in the micro moments of your day with them. No one can walk into your life and say, you can trust me. No one, no one can do that. Why? Because trust is built in the small little moments. It's one, what we do, it's in what we don't do, it's in what we say, what we don't say, it's in the boundaries we set and if we follow through, it's in the generosity and belief in the other person, it's in listening more than you talk, It's in so many different things, but something I want you to understand as your teen is transitioning at this time is that trust is built in those micro-moments, and a really great way that you can build trust with them is to take accountability yourself. Start looking in the mirror a little bit and just noticing the ways that you'd love for them to show up and noticing the ways they're already doing that, just in maybe You haven't noticed it yet. I call that looking for evidence, right? Look for evidence that they actually are doing some things right. And the other thing is looking in the mirror yourself and holding yourself accountable. I didn't talk to you in a nice way just then, or I wasn't super patient with you, or, you know, I said one thing and I did another, or I haven't been treating myself very nicely, and I'm gonna start showing you how much I truly respect myself. Again, these are all ways that we build trust with them, not just in what we say, but in what we do and how we show up with them. So it's really important for you to double down on trust building. Again, when they walk out your door, there's way less under your control. And so you want them to develop an inner voice that they trust themselves no matter who they're with, no matter what circumstances they're in, because Again, their logical brain is still very much under construction, just like it was in middle school, and they still are going to be impulsive and moody sometimes and all the things. So everything that you gathered in middle school, you're carrying it with you to high school, and you're also double-downing on them developing some key skills that are going to support their independence. And I'm going to repeat this one because It's equally important, maybe even more so in high school. Remember to focus on yourself. They probably are going to want less and less to do with you, and that's painful. It can be so painful. You're grieving. You might be grieving the relationship. You might think it's too late or they don't care about you anymore. That's not true. None of that is true. And the physical distance between you is noticeable. The potentially emotional distance between you, their interests, what they want to do is growing between you and so this is the time to tune inward, to start focusing on what brings you joy, plan things with friends yourself and to take care of yourself and heal yourself in a way maybe that you haven't before. So here's a little recap of where to focus for middle school and high school. First, middle school, you gotta understand that their brain's under construction. You wanna get tangible practice around the fears that they have, any anxieties that you have, make it real, talk about it, practice it. You don't wanna expect too much too soon. This is an experimental time, right? This is a time to embrace failure, embrace things happening and not going according to quote unquote plan, and just know that social-emotional challenges are going to happen. They just are. This is when identity formation is really starting to emerge. They're figuring out who they are. They're figuring out how to express themselves in a new way. They are aligning with different people maybe that they weren't friends with in their younger years. And so some of that can be really painful and hard and challenging. And so you're also going to be focusing on you. You are going to be really loading up With self-care, self-compassion, and your own self-awareness. And then high school, this is when you need to understand that you're preparing them to fly the coop, so to speak, to be more independent. So you want to future pace with them, get them to self-reflect, develop their own self-awareness about their strengths, their interests, what they believe, what they think, how they want to spend their time, what they might want to study or be interested in. You want to future pace without pressurizing. Everything that you're living currently is not just about the future. It's not all for college. We need to mine the current moment and the present moment for gold. We need to remember that this moment is what we have with them. It's what we have individually, and so you can manifest that future by also practicing presence. That's really, really important. You also want to support them in growing independently, so you are not doing a lot of things for them. You are an advocate. It if need be. You are developing kind of systems for accountability to check in and know that they're doing what they need to do, especially depending on where they are in their skill level. They may need a little bit more support depending on where they're at, which is great, and at the same time, if they can do it independently, you're not doing it for them. You are preparing them with skills so that when they do become independent living outside of the walls of your home, they can do the dishes on their own, they can do their own laundry, they can call and make an appointment for the dentist, they can take their car to the mechanic. These are all things that you want them to start to practice and develop their own awareness, their own advocacy skills around. And lastly, I just wanna say that regardless of where your kiddo is on this journey, wherever you are on this journey, it is really natural to have nerves and a little bit of fear because you're stepping into a new stage and regardless of how old they are or how moody they are or how much they maybe don't want to hang out with you, you still love them more than anything and so I just want to honor you. I see that, I'm living that in my day-to-day life and it's such an amazing gift that we have to be parents and it's also built in with processing and grieving and challenges. And so I'm just holding all of that. You're gonna go all in on supporting yourself spiritually, mentally, physically, socially, and emotionally— all the things. Of course, it's one thing to know this high-level information. It's a whole other thing to make it real in your life and your relationship, having a high-quality relationship with them, your approach, your communication. The way that you structure things inside your relationship in your home. It is the way to actually get them to listen to you, do what they need to do, and build trust between you. So if you're interested in taking what you heard today just a little bit deeper and knowing about my 4-part framework that can make this real in your life, then you should register for my Do Listen Trust class today. You can go to theteenageguide.com/class and register right away. If you need immediate coaching on a challenge that you're facing, then I have many digital teenage guides for you as well. So let's say you are already going through school stress or social stress or emotional breakdowns, I've got teenage guides for all of those and you can just go to theteenageguide.com/guides. Never underestimate the power that you have, never underestimate the power that you have as the parent, because you were made for each other. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here, and kudos to you for investing in this time for yourself and for your teen. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could also benefit. Remember, the number one way That you have influence in your teenager's life is in your relationship with yourself and with them. So never doubt how much power you have because you are the teenage guide too.