My Only Regret Is I Didn't Start Sooner (What Struggle Is Really Costing You)

Welcome back to the Teenage Guide Podcast. I am kind of pumped because it's almost my birthday. And although, yes, I'm getting older, and for a woman of a certain age, she may look at, you know, getting older as a negative thing or just kind of like, mm, I don't really wanna talk about my age. For me, I feel very different. I also have hair all over my arm for some reason. For me, I feel very different about getting older, what a gift and how timely it is that I am talking about this topic today. What the constant struggle with your teen is actually costing you. I had the great privilege of being with my mom when she died recently. And I talk about that in a previous podcast just a few weeks ago. And I call it a privilege because When you are with someone in the dying process, I genuinely see it as such a gift. There's nothing like a health challenge or a health crisis of someone that you love, including yourself, to strip away all the BS, all the stuff that doesn't matter, clear the clutter of your life and help you get crystal clear on what actually matters. And so let that thought That mindset go hand in hand with today's episode. So let's get into it. Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, here to guide you to the soul-to-system support you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is the Teenage Guide Podcast. I wanna get started with something that a mom recently said to me. She'd been stuck in survival mode. She'd been a single mom. For the last few years, going through a divorce, teenage boys, and she'd been working full-time on top of it. So you can see all the nuance and the layers of that story, just the bullet points, right? Holding so much and trying to do it all alone. And she recently, in the last few months, signed up for support working with me, private coaching for her and her son. And the one thing that she said just in the last month was, my only regret is that I didn't sign up for this sooner. And the reason that she feels that way is not because in just 2 months everything is different. It's that she can feel the progress. She can feel the tangible support. She has a plan. Her son has a plan. Although they were connected before, It is a tangible, visceral difference of the ways that he's showing up, the ways he's opening up, the way he's taking care of himself or taking accountability takes pressure off of her. I'm a collaborator with her. Okay? And her statement again was, my only regret is that I didn't start this sooner. And so this episode, I really talk about and want you to start to think about the ways that we get in our own way with our thinking, our blocks, our excuses. One of my favorite coaches I followed, James Wedmore, He talks about people are always going to make excuses for their limitations. And we all do this, so it's not to make you feel bad. It's like human condition, you know? But we have to become really self-aware enough to see when we're in our own way. And if the struggle that we're in is partly there because we haven't made a decision For change. We haven't made a decision for support, for more resources, to stop doing it all alone, to have the hard conversation, right? We haven't made that decision yet. And so with today's episode, again, that combines with what I'm talking about right here, right now, which is what is the constant struggle really Costing you. Goes back to, we'd rather stay in the comfortable hell than grow into the uncomfortable heaven. We talk ourselves out of the growth, out of the support, because the things I hear the most often, I just don't have the time. I just don't have the money. And I just, I don't have the energy. I can't focus on that right now. The first thing that I wanna talk about is the universal law of cause and effect. So I love to bring in spirituality, not from a dogmatic religious perspective, but more from metaphysical or universal law perspective. Okay. So the universal law of cause and effect. Newton's 3rd law in physics is for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And the universal law of cause and effect is that every action or inaction produces a result, period. We sometimes mistakenly believe that if we don't do something or say something, that there's no result from that, that there is no action, there is no consequence. But it's actually the reverse is always true. By us not saying the thing, by us not doing the thing or taking action in a certain way, that is causing a result. And It might be causing the experience or the result, the very real lived experience of that constant struggle. And when struggle is the dominant pattern and it keeps us in a cycle, whether they're not listening to us, they're pulling away, they're making impulsive decisions, we feel frustrated, irritated all the time. This trickles into every aspect of our lives. The more it costs In so many different ways. And I'm going to focus on just a few ways that it costs us in today's episode. The time cost, and you're not getting it back, right? This is one of the hardest ones. And it's not to make you feel like you're running out of time and you're already behind, because I think that narrative is perpetuated a lot in today's society. That's not what I want to do. But kind of like the toddler years, like when you're in them, It feels like the days could go on forever. And then you look back and you're like, whoa, that happened fast. Adolescence is very similar. It's actually 14 years plus depending on anything that's going on inside your own teenager's brain. Like for example, ADHD brains are not fully formed till mid, sometimes late 20s. And so we can also think like the patterns of adolescence can continue on for quite a while, right? 14 years plus. So it feels long, especially when every week, every day, every moment brings some sort of new challenge. But the period of time where they're building their own identity, where you're doing the same thing right next to them, where you can build the foundation of building a really close, solid relationship and guide them through this period of time is actually finite. It's limited. So that mom I mentioned, her son is a sophomore in high school. He has 2 years left under her roof for sure. 2 years. That's it, right? So the adolescence window extends beyond that, and you're always gonna be their parent, but the time that you have that's pretty focused and can be more intentional, for her, there's only 2 years left. And so that's not a ton of runway. to work from. Now, I also like to say it's never too late. And at the same time, the more that we spend solving the challenge now, the better it's going to pay off and we'll be able to enjoy, and they'll be able to enjoy getting older. Because every week that we spend in conflict is another week in that cycle of tension, In that cycle of stress, of resentment, of feeling low energy, of feeling so depleted, right? The cycles continue. And when you invest in support or stopping the challenge, it trickles into absolutely everything going forward. It changes the way that you show up. It changes the way that they show up. And it creates like a trickle-down effect of influence into all these other areas of our lives because we cannot get that time back, but you can decide what the next few years are going to look like. Okay, so the financial cost. First one's time cost, this one financial cost. And this is something that most people aren't talking about, but it's very real, especially in the United States right now when so many people are having big conversations around finances and the cost of living, just living, can feel so high. Groceries are higher, gas is higher, et cetera, right now at the time of this recording. When the underlying dynamic between a parent and a teen isn't addressed, isn't healed, the problems don't just like stay that same size. They grow. It's like a snowball effect. Ds and Fs in school that don't get addressed become failed classes, which becomes summer school, which becomes delayed college, right? Credit recovery programs, other services that you might need to pay for. Impulsive behavior, using substances that starts at 15. You don't know about it. They're sneaking around. Those problems don't just stop on their own usually. They don't stop on their own in the teenage years. They can snowball. And the research shows that addiction is often formed in the adolescent brain, in the adolescent years. That's when they start experimenting. So the problem can snowball and grow. So that disconnection in the relationship that goes unaddressed Usually ends up in a therapist's office, working with a coach or a program or a wilderness program or a recovery center, right? So the financial and the emotional cost only gets bigger the longer we put it off and we stay stuck in that cycle. And I'm not saying any of that to scare you. It's the last thing I want to do is scare you. And I also know That the law of cause and effect is very real. And oftentimes when we have a challenge, we have all these like cute little fun Band-Aid ways to help the challenge. I don't know why I'm talking in this voice, but like we kind of put a Band-Aid on it in various ways until we take a hard look at the truth. We have to get very real about what the truth of the situation is. And only from that place can we then start the healing process, start to recover from the challenge, start to heal the problem, whatever that is, or solve it with skill building. Early investment, early intervention in a relationship, in a human being, is always less expensive— time and energy and financially, all the things. It's always less expensive than the cost of waiting to see what happens. This next one is something that I don't think anyone talks about, and it's one of my key areas of focus, and that is the identity cost. So I talk a lot about how teenagers, adolescents are in their identity formation stage. And essentially what that means is that they are separating from you. They are becoming their own people. They are learning How to see themselves, what to believe about themselves, what to believe is possible for them, what makes them special or significant. This is the identity formation stage. What a lot of people don't talk about that I've mentioned on this podcast numerous times is you are also reforming your identity in reverse. You are going through adolescence in reverse, so to speak. So in tandem, you are also developing a new identity. Who am I in this midlife? I'm halfway through my life. How do I wanna spend my time? How do I choose to see myself? What do I believe is possible for me? What makes me unique, special, or significant? And what comes up a lot for midlifers is we shed a lot of that old identity. And oftentimes it's the identity that we formed as teenagers. That we realized was dysfunctional. How we saw ourselves, how we saw our bodies, how we felt about our intelligence, our worthiness, our value, what made us special, what kind of work we were going to go into. The way that we're living now is a reflection of some of those old identities. And so in midlife, we have this opportunity To shed that old identity that maybe no longer works, shed the beliefs and the systems and the ways of being that no longer work, and to rebuild a new identity right alongside when our teenager is building theirs. And when we stay stuck in struggle and conflict and a challenge, we start to make that challenge or that dynamic or that experience Or that circumstance means something long-term about us. It keeps our teenager stuck. It cements beliefs that maybe they're not valuable or worthy, or no one really hears them or listens to them, or what's the point in trying, or I have to make everyone happy and then I'll be okay. Parents can start telling themselves, They don't care. They don't wanna connect with me. They're not even trying. And then we reflect that on our teens and then that becomes their belief system. Or teens can start telling themselves, I'm the problem. Nothing I ever do is right. Nobody gets me. They only notice what's wrong. Those stories, those narratives, they often don't get said out loud, but they shape every— For example, like a teenager who Maybe doesn't turn in an assignment. And this is a common pattern or common challenge. And if they stay in that throughout the school year and they're just, they never remember to turn in the assignment and we don't intervene and help support in some way, they will start, maybe they'll start to tell themselves, I'm just irresponsible. I can't do this. Versus a teenager who has the foundation of a healthy identity. They don't make their behavior wrong. They look at it as information, just like you do. And they say, oops, I made a mistake. I gotta have a better system for this. I need some help. There's nothing weird or wrong with me. It's not, I am irresponsible. It's, I made a mistake. Identity is so powerful. It is the root of all behavior change and experience. and goal setting and everything. It's the foundation of so much of the work that I do with clients and with parents. And it can be changed over time, just like I've illustrated. Like, you go through many different identities in your life. It just takes intentional work to rewire the identities that no longer serve us. And so if we stay stuck in that loop, it costs us. Crucial identity formation time. Okay. The last cost I want to talk about is something that grounds me. And it's not, again, from a dogmatic point of view or religious in context. I myself have, I've talked about this before, but I grew up in the Bible Belt, but I also grew up with Democratic Unitarian parents. You know, like I grew up going to Unitarian church a few times a year, Very inclusive. I've also lived in super progressive areas. And so at the same time, I've been influenced by all these different environments I've lived in. I also know what I believe and is very, very real in the experiences that I've had that have been completely transformational. Spiritual awakenings completely have reset and transformed my entire life and the way that I see Everything is through that lens. And so I wanna talk about the spiritual cost of staying stuck. There is a real energetic spiritual cost when your soul knows what's true and what's best for you, and you can't hear it. You aren't tapped into it. When you don't have a relationship With that intangible, invaluable, infinitely worthy part of you and the preciousness of life, not in a precious, I don't want to break it way, but wow, what a gift to be alive. And when we are stuck in a negative cycle and a challenge and a pattern that just keeps going, It's like our soul might know one thing, but we're living in another way. And there's a cost there that keeps us stuck. And when we can realign with what our soul knows to be true, that higher version of you, that soul in you that is so beautiful, can never be labeled through words alone. That is a just incredible manifestation of the universe and source energy experiencing itself. I once heard a spiritual teacher say something like, I used to get caught up in, well, who am I to achieve this? Or, have this amazing marriage or have this much money in the bank. And then the spiritual self knows what's actually true in that, which is, who are you not to? Like, there's enough resources on this planet for every human on the planet if people in power and systems in power were structured from a place of soulful, loving, inclusive structures. If our world was structured in a way where this could be the lived reality of everyone, there's plenty of resources and love for every human on the planet. And part of what we are conditioned to believe is there's not enough. Who am I to do this? And settle, in a way, for dysfunction. And this is an invitation to you to never settle. You are here on purpose, exactly as you are. And when you are in alignment with your highest self, when you're in alignment with your purpose, not from a, I've got to do something and make a bunch of money perspective, but Who you really are, when you're in alignment with your intuition and you're coming from the most loving part of you, you are unstoppable. You are living as intended. And when you stay stuck in that cycle, it costs you spiritually. It costs you from knowing the kind of parent you really wanna be. I've known a lot of people who may be stuck in anger cycles where they get angry and they hate it and they don't know why. And when we don't do the work to uncover what that is and heal it, it's keeping us from how we really want to be showing up, that highest version of us actually wants to be showing up. And there is a cost to that, from that relationship that you really want to have To the one that you haven't been able to reach yet. And staying stuck in survival mode, in the challenge, keeps you— it blocks you from accessing that inner knowing. I think that's worth paying attention to, don't you? All right, final one: the big picture cost. The making our dreams and goals come true cost. This is the one I want to end on because I really think it's pretty motivating, actually. And again, all of these costs are not meant to shame you or blame you. Or point the finger and say, I can't, how dare you? Every human being on the planet does this. We get in our own way, right? Just like I said in the beginning of the show, we get in our own way. And this is an invitation to really sit with this one. So every parent on the planet has dreams for themselves, And maybe we don't, we try not to project dreams onto our kids, but oftentimes parents do, to dreams that we want for them, you know, even if they're pretty generic in a sense, like I just want them to be healthy and I just want them to find something they love to do for work. And, you know, I just, I really want them to have a loving partner one day or something, whatever that is, right? We have these dreams for the adult that they will become and the life that they will build. And every teen on the planet has dreams for themselves too. They dream about maybe specific things or specific experiences or getting into a college or achieving this dream job or having this dream partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever it may be. And both of you may not, you may not have articulated it, but it's there. Chronic conflict doesn't just make today harder, it delays these dreams from being realized. So let that sink in. Sometimes the motivation for change comes from knowing the cost. I love to be aspirational and motivational, And inspirational. And at the same time, I think it's really important to be real about the very real cause and effect, the law of cause and effect that happens when we delay time, decision, what our soul knows, and what we dream about. For ourselves and for our teens. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to decide that the cost of hanging out in the dysfunction or the chronic struggle is not worth it anymore. And you're willing to make a change. On that note, be sure to check out all the resources I have for you in the show notes, free class, free resources, all the way up to working with me privately. And remember, I'm so grateful that you're here and never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I'll see you next week. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing this time in yourself and your team. If you enjoyed this episode, please continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review and/or share with a fellow parent who could benefit so more people can find my content. Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teen or your young adult's life is in your relationships with yourself and them. So never doubt how much power you have because you are the teenage guide too.