Stop Trying to Make Summer 'Magical'

Hi, I'm Ashley Chandler, here to guide you to the soul-to-system support you both need to thrive from the inside out. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. Let's be honest, so many parents I talk to expect summer to feel easier, and then they're disappointed midway through when the reality sets in. It's not so much easier, it's just different. I ran a program for nearly a decade focused on middle schoolers, and it was super successful here in Colorado. And by the end of the week of that program, I would have parents coming to me saying, it's great that they've got that focus on them. It's great that they had that. Where's my program? Where's my support? What do you have for me? Because they realized that they were outsourcing a lot of that skill building, a lot of that confidence boosting for their kids. They were investing in their kids, but they weren't intentionally investing in themselves or the relationship they had with their kid. And then fall would come. And as so many of us do, we go right back to another version of survival mode. We wanna break from the stress and we don't realize that that mindset is actually keeping us stuck in stress. Right? Like summer doesn't reduce the intensity of parenting. It just shifts it. It's like, yes, we have more unstructured time and more freedom, more opportunity for conflict, right? Oh, we have more togetherness and, you know, we can have more fun. And there's also more opportunity for things to feel really off and for us to feel even more depleted. And this is exactly why I built my Summer Shift package. It's not a program to keep up with. It's not more to add onto your plate. Just It's just support in a package that you can call on at any time and customize to your schedule or your teen's schedule throughout the summer to build your relationship with yourself, to build your relationship with them, and to build skills that are gonna pay off all year long, to decrease stress, to make sure that you are taken care of and supported in the same ways that you always try to do for everyone else in your family. So that throughout the whole year, you have this lasting blueprint of what it actually feels like to thrive. You can learn more by clicking the link below. And I would love to hear from you. I love hearing from people directly. So you can just reply to this and tell me, how is your summer going? For real, I love hearing from you. So feel free to reach out to me anytime. Know that I'm here. Check out The Summer Shift. It might be exactly what you and your teen need. Welcome back to The Teenage Guide Podcast. I am so happy that you're back with me for another week, or if you are new here, welcome. I am Ashley Chandler, your host and founder of The Teenage Guide, and I have got a topic today that hits home. So there's this thing that happens in June, Typically in June, what I notice for families, it's like school has ended and then there's this quiet pressure that starts to build. And it's like, we've got to plan the trips. We've got to plan the experiences. We need to have not necessarily a fancy, but lots of adventure. And we've got to plan this and plan that. And this is not the way that I grew up. And the majority of people probably watching grew up, but we were not overscheduled. And we didn't have the pressure that we do today. And so I want to talk about why that pressure is actually taking away from your summer and how to stop putting so much pressure on yourself and focus on what actually matters because summer is not supposed to look a certain way. And every single one of us has different conditions that we're working within, whether it be You know, stuff happening with our aging parents or our teenagers going through stuff. Maybe they have to do summer school. Maybe they have other things. Maybe you sign them up for a few things here and there. Every single one of us has different circumstances that we're working within. So inside this episode, I am going to help you relieve a lot of that pressure and get your focus back to what actually matters. In being able to create a summer that you feel like, man, that was a good one. We really made the most of that time. And it has nothing to do with how much money you spend. It has nothing to do with fancy vacations or adventures or experiences or crossing off things off of a shoulds or a to-do list that the Joneses are doing. So here's what I think is happening. We have been sold ever since the invention of Pinterest and Instagram and all these other curated social media models, We have been sold this image of what summer could look like. And the truth is, is that those things, those experiences are not what actually creates the real connection that helps you enjoy the summer with your teen. We can plan the trips, we can coordinate the activities, but we cannot manufacture or engineer connection. And so we might be frustrated when we're on that vacation that we've spent thousands on, And we have planned for 6 months, but when we get there, people are fighting, your teen's kind of unimpressed, they're on their phone more than you would like them to be, and you're like, wait, I thought this trip was supposed to bring us closer. And so then you feel frustrated, resentful, and disappointed. It's just that you can't plan for connection with your teenager. And it's kind of like the classic family photo. It's like we get dressed up, we're all coordinated, And then we go to this beautiful idyllic location and people are melting down, right? It's class. It's the same way. We cannot wait until the vacation or the family photo and think then we're gonna be enjoying each other. When we get there, that's when we're gonna be having fun. That is not how real connection for ourselves and with our teenagers works. It doesn't happen just because you booked and arranged something. It doesn't happen because you planned something in advance or you spent a bunch of money on it or time or energy, right? It's like announcing, and now we are going to be spending quality time together, right? Yeah, try that with your teenager and you will get pushback. It happens almost in the reverse way when things are unplanned. It's the day-to-day mundane, everyday go with the flow, everyday things that we do that we kind of take advantage of, which is like when we're driving in the car, When we first see each other in the morning while we're making food, or like during late night, we're getting ready for bed, they're busy with something. These are the little moments sprinkled throughout our day that actually create— these are opportunities that create the connection that we are looking for. These are the opportunities that we have to make deposits in our relationship. I cannot overstate enough how summer itself is This season where most parents kind of skim over it like, oh, we'll just focus on that when school starts. We've got it backwards. And I really want to really challenge that thinking. If you're listening to this and you start to think like, oh, we don't need to focus on that during the summer in terms of your relationships or skills, it actually needs to be the opposite where summer is this opportune time to build those kinds of connections and skills with all its unstructured time and kind of loose edges and opportunities for truly boredom, doing nothing, you know, things where we're not so busy. Parents, I know that research really speaks to a lot of you. So there is this study that was conducted. It was a national longitudinal— that's a tough word— national longitudinal study for adolescent mental health that showed that when teens are connected to their family, they are 66% less likely to engage in substance abuse, in sexual activity, and risky behavior. And so I just wanna repeat that number because it's pretty astounding. 66% less likely when they have That kind of close emotional safety. Everyone doesn't necessarily get along all the time, and it's not like picture perfect, and we are out of a catalog, but we're real. We're connected. We see each other. We listen to each other. We can work through conflict. That level of closeness is what I'm talking about here, where we think that we're going to get that in these kind of shiny object moments of the You know, the expensive vacations or the experiences in the summer, or, you know, times when we can finally relax, right? What is stopping you from making that happen in your everyday life, right? Because that 66%, it's not because of vacations they took. It's not because of how productive their summers were or overfilled. It was because of how connected They felt. So one of the frameworks that I teach in my work is what I call the teenage tree and the soil that the roots grow in. The soil is your relationship with yourself. The roots are the relationship with your teen and everything extends from there. I like to say that the relationship is the intervention first and foremost. If the relationship is ruptured, if you are fighting a lot, if you aren't gelling or you don't have those connection points, That is where you need to look and evaluate first. That's where you need to be building awareness because connection is really the foundation of everything. Their decision-making improves, their ability to be self-driven, to be determined, their sense of whether your home or home with you is a safe place for them to just be. And summer gives you an unusual amount of time. To work on those roots. And it's not by you doing more or spending more money, but by you being more available. But here's the thing, here's the trick, okay, that I really want you to pay attention to. Being available, we all know that we could live in the same house with someone, but that doesn't mean that we're connected to them, right? I've heard people say, I live in the same house with them, I still feel all alone. So just because we are available and living in the same home, Doesn't mean we're connected. And the differentiator is our quality of presence, how present we are with one another in those micro-moments, in the little day-in, day-out kind of things that happen in our lives. Like I mentioned, when we're cooking dinner, when we are driving, when we are about to go to bed, when no one's doing anything, these are the smaller moments. where we can turn up our quality of our presence. Put down the phone, practice curiosity, a willingness to engage with their world without judging it or evaluating it or giving some diagnosis or solution, right? Just being a witness to them, just engaging with them. And then this invites them to engage with you, right? Then you feel more inclined to share little bits and pieces about you or your story or your goofy personality, or, you know, the things that you're passionate about. And they're more likely to receive it after you've been curious about them because your teen is not looking for a perfect shiny parent who takes the whole family to Bali for a month at a time in the summer. That's not what your teen actually wants. What they want is a safe parent who sees them. And if you're doing that, then you are focused on the exact thing that you need to be focused on in order to thrive with your teen. And a safe place doesn't mean that they tell you everything and share every last bit. It's just, they know that they can. They know that with you, they are getting soul connection, they are getting healthy boundaries, and they are building skills. You are helping them grow and reach their dreams. And maybe you don't use that language. They're not necessarily gonna be like, thanks, gee, mom, gee, dad, thanks for helping me reach my dreams, right? That's not gonna come outta their mouth. They would know if it was missing though. And you might be hearing things like, I feel behind. You just don't get me. You don't care anyway, right? These are the clues that they don't feel safe to share, or they lie, or they act in a disrespectful way that is not about obedience. It's about, wow, they really don't feel like I see them, like I get them, like I care. I might be saying one thing and doing another. And that is the biggest thing about this. You can take them on the fancy vacations. At the end of the day, they will know the difference if that fancy vacation is trying to replace real connection. Now I'm all for fancy vacations, but if it's trying to put a bandaid on something that actually needs healing and repair, it won't work. Teenagers can see through that. And if you're honest, you can too. So instead of being distracted by the shiny objects in summer, And trying to make it magical in ways— like, I'm not saying go for a magical vacation, but in the end, summer is an invitation to connect with yourself and with them deeper. It's an invitation to slow down. It's an invitation to rest and to recharge and to reset, reevaluate. Where is there clutter in my life? Emotional clutter, physical clutter, energetic clutter, whatever. Where can I whittle down? What is my actual priority right now? If I wanna become this person, if I wanna be able to achieve XYZ in a few months, this is the time I'm gonna be focused on becoming that person now. And this applies to your teenager too. If they— want to see themselves in a certain position later on, summer is the time to start practicing who that is. That kind of practice, the practice of connection with ourselves and with each other, will multiply the emotional, energetic, and relational experience that can come from that amazing vacation to Bali. All right? So with that, Remember, stop trying to fake it, fake some magical vacation. Be real. Focus on what really matters first. And I just wanna thank you so much for joining me this week and remember to never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I'll see you next week. I know you have limited time and energy, so thank you for being here and kudos to you for investing this time in yourself and your teen. If you enjoyed this episode, please continue the ripple effect and like, subscribe, review, and/or share with a fellow parent who could benefit so more people can find my content. Remember, the number one way that you have influence in your teen or your young adult's life is in your relationships with yourself and them. So never Never doubt how much power you have, because you are the teenage guide too.