The Breakthrough: The Challenge Mountain Framework

Hi and welcome. So glad you're here. I know that time is of the essence, so I wanna dive right in to first acknowledge the work that you've already done. You're spread thin, you've probably read the books, you may have even tried a therapist for yourself, for your teen. And the thing is, is that the challenge is still there and progress is inconsistent. You might feel like you're talking to a brick wall. Your teen may have the narrative that you don't understand them, Motivation, confidence, connection, social stress, it's all low. And meanwhile, it's not for lack of effort on your part. You are trying, you are doing all the things that you think need to be done. But the problem that I see oftentimes is that parents are focused on the behavior itself, and what's happening is deeper. It's at the level of the relationship. It's at the level of regulation and how everyone in the family is showing up. And that is my specialty. So I'm gonna go ahead and share my screen and walk you through my framework, not because you need a new step-by-step process to memorize or that you need to have the perfect script or any of that. No hot tips here. The reason I wanna walk you through this is so that you can see an inside look of the actual steps that need to happen in how you approach your teen, how you work with them and collaborate with them and how you both build skills together in order to have the best relationship with yourself possible as a parent, in order to have the best relationship with them possible, and in order for both of you to build skills that actually allow you to experience all the things that you're working so hard for, whether it be no more fighting, no more drama, actual motivation, more confidence, more success at school. more peace at home. This framework will walk you through the step-by-step process that I use inside my private practice with my clients every day. It's also inside my program Thrive, and everything that I do follows this framework. So this is a sneak peek at what has to happen in order to experience what it is that you want. So here we go. All right, here's the Challenge Mountain framework that I have developed that is infused with behavior change science, relationship science, and psychology, communication best practices, adolescent development, skill development, emotional regulation, the list goes on. And oftentimes parents wanna skip a bunch of these steps and jump to solution. The number one way that you have influence with your teen is in the relationship with yourself and the relationship with them. So let's get started. Your teen is at the top of the mountain. You can see step 4, there's this girl here, she's turning away. Right? She has a somber look on her face. I want you to envision that that's your teenager at the top of the mountain, turning away from you. You are in the bottom left corner of the mountain, and you're gonna begin the climb. You can see they're struggling at the top, and you have to scale the mountain, meet them where they are in order to guide them down and return to a new normal, return to balance. You cannot yell at them from the bottom of the mountain, your brilliant wisdom and solutions. By the way, you've earned your wisdom. I'm not saying that. And they don't care. They will not hear you and they will not respond in the way that you want them to because their autonomy and need for control is queen or king 100% of the time. And so you, step 1, have to know your role and realize some of the root causes underneath This challenge. Knowing your role means that you start to embody what it means to be the teenage guide inside your own home. The teenage guide is a play on words, okay? I am not some guru who's gonna tell you exactly who to be and what to value. What I am here to do is to help you internalize what it means to be a guide with your teen and not a boss. This is really important. When you approach the relationship with them as a guide, They are more likely to receive your input, your wisdom, and your requests without you feeling like a nag and without so much resistance and without breaking down. All right. So realizing some of the root causes, there are obviously many different root causes underneath behavior. And that's one of my specialties is helping clients understand what's underneath the behavior because all behavior is communicating something. And oftentimes we've been fed these messages from society that teenagers are just outta control and they're just defiant and they're disrespectful and they're just angry or they're moody, et cetera, et cetera. There are a lot of reasons why this is not the whole picture and this is not true. Now, I'm not saying they can't be disrespectful and have a harsh tone or whatever, but I am saying there's— it's communicating something. We gotta look beneath the surface. That is one of my specialties. So step 1, you are knowing your role as the guide. And then once you're like, okay, I'm the guide. Here's what that means. Ashley's got me. Then you can move to step 2, the 3 selves. The 3 selves is my 3-part internal system. You start to internalize true self-care. Here's what I mean. The 3 selves represent self-awareness, being introspective. When you're triggered by your teen, you're able to tune in and ask yourself, what am I thinking? Is it true? What story am I telling myself? What is this bringing up for me? In so many words, you are aware of your own internal world. And then from there, you're practicing self-regulation. Self-regulation is multilayered, but it's actually really simple. It's the ability to be stressed or triggered, realize what's happening inside of our minds and our bodies, and decrease stress. So that we can access logic and intuition and wisdom, and we don't act from a place of reactivity— fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Okay? This is an internal process that happens in real time when we are in relationship with our teenagers. The final part of the 3 selves that a lot of people miss is self-compassion, because what happens for a lot of parents is You get triggered and then you react harshly and then it spirals into shame or blame or doom. And then you're in this shame spiral. And then we don't actually repair it. We kind of maybe say we're sorry, but there's no accountability. And then we start to tell ourselves, what's the point? I'm a terrible parent. It's too late. I've lost hope, et cetera, et cetera. And so we have to practice. Self-compassion. And the simplest way to do that right here, right now inside this video is to realize that you're a human being, you are imperfect, and to validate your own experience. If they trigger you and that brings up fear and you start telling yourself like, they're gonna end up on the streets, they're gonna end up doomed, there's no future, our relationship, I'm trying so hard, you feel resentful, you're validating. It's natural I feel that way. Because I love them so much, or it's hard to be yelled at, or it's hard to feel disrespected, right? You are validating your own experience. There's a lot of reasons why this is so important in your dynamic with your teenager. And one of them being is that a lot of parents act from a place of, you owe me, and how dare you, right? When we validate our own experience, we do not approach them from the energy of fear and control. This will kill your influence. Okay? Then from that place, we can move to belief and bodywork, which is step 3. A lot of parents still are moving through anger, control, and fear. This might mean regulating even more. I've got a host of tools and what this looks like in real time. And then we can respond or meet our teen where they are at the top of the mountain. And this is step 4. Relate and validate. I want you to really understand something here that most parents skip. Most parents, again, wanna jump to problem solving. What are we gonna do? You'll notice already, this is the internal work. And the very first thing, the first time that you engage with your teen, you are validating their experience. This is a very hard thing to do if you have not practiced. The 3 selves. If you have not practiced self-awareness or self-regulation or self-compassion, it's very hard to validate them if you don't think that they're being reasonable, rational, logical, or they're acting entitled, or they have some other quote unquote negative behavior, right? So relate and validate is the first step. And here's why. A teen will not listen to you until they feel listened So the way to get their ears to open up, their mind to open up, to get out of being triggered and then to regulate with you, which is really an important piece to having a healthy relationship. When you meet them where they are and you validate, I can see you're having fun on your tech. Yeah, that sounds really hard. Well, I can understand you're maybe feeling frustrated. Or it seems like you're stressed, whatever it is in that moment, then they will turn towards you metaphorically and literally and receive your input. They will let you guide them down the mountain. This is a really important part of the process in building your healthy dynamic and your relationship with your teen. And again, if you're like, why do we have to focus on the relationship? Can't we just focus on their grades? Can't we just focus on getting them to do what they need to do? Yes, this is a part of the process, right? But if you jump to the doing without focusing on the being, you will not succeed no matter how hard you're trying, no matter how much time and energy and money you have invested, it will not work. So now they can move with you as the guide to step 5, which is shared experience. This looks like dialogue and engaging with them, over time with more collaboration, where they can share their real feelings or thoughts about something, and you can receive it without judgment, really trying to understand their perspective. And then you can share your perspective from a regulated place full of self-awareness with them being able to receive it. And from this place, you can move to Systems and tools for skill building, step 6. This is really important. The 2 major areas that can solve any challenge are relationships and skills. And once we can start to see, oh, we've got to strengthen relationship, and then these are the skills we need to build in order to solve the challenge, it doesn't become so complicated. It's pretty simple at that point, once we've got the dynamic that fosters skill building in place, then we can access the tools. A lot of parents, I would say the majority, this is where they get trapped because they're like, again, just tell me what to do to build the skill, but the relationship isn't there, right? So this is really important. I help clients walk through this step by step in order to build skills in a way that is fused with habit formations and relationship science and behavior change. Then we move to step 7, which is planning and maintaining. I like to call this making manifestation real. How do we do that? How do we become the people that we genuinely want to be? How do we show up day in, day out, being in the energy and the practice of our identity of who we're becoming, but also the habits and the skills and The awareness that it requires, that's required to go to our dream school, to have great friendships, to have a trusting, healthy relationship with our teenager, with our parents, to get the job that we really wanna get, right? It's all about now we're embodying it from a new point A, right? This is what I call return to balance. You have moved through the challenge. You're now practicing becoming a whole new team. Okay? Any challenge follows this rhythm and this pattern. So this is what my high-touch private containers are built for. Not one-off sessions, but real consistent support that walks you through this process so that you feel change on a constant, consistent level. It's high-touch. It's customized to meet you and your teen exactly where you are. Some months it might be you needing more support than them, or a combination of the two, or them more support than you. Because we wanna shift patterns at the root, not just on the surface. It will not last. So if you're at the point where you're ready for real change, not someday in the future, but right now, the next step is to book a call with me. We'll look at what's happening in your specific situation. And I'll help you get clear on exactly where things are getting stuck and whether working together is gonna be a right fit for me and for you. I love supporting families in this way. I also wanna throw in, if you're finding me, sometimes we're working with partners or teens who might be resistant. And so you can show them this video, you can let them know, and actually I can speak to you directly. I don't take sides. I consider myself a bridge. And what that means is that I speak parent and I speak teen. And the idea of a bridge is that I create a bridge of understanding, communication, compassion, and connection between both of you. Not one better than the other, not right, wrong, not good, bad, but helping each other see who you really are, see our blind spots, see where we need to grow, take accountability, build skills, and move forward. All right? So that for the long haul, your relationship foundation is so solid that I like to tell parents, your teens genuinely wanna spend the holidays with you when they are grown adults. So if this sounds like something that you're ready to take the leap on, schedule a call with me, and I can't wait to talk to you.