The Formula I Use to Help Parents & Teens

It's 11:00 PM and you're scrolling to escape whatever happened at home tonight with your teen. And somewhere in the back of your head, you're thinking, what do I actually do about this? Here's the thing that nobody tells you. The things that you can see, the grades, the attitude, the silence, secrecy, those aren't the actual problem. When you're looking at your family as a whole, those are the leaves of what I call the teenage tree. And by the time you're experiencing any kind of stress, fear, pain, conflict, Yelling, that's an indication that something is off underneath it. And it probably has been for quite a while. So I built a quiz for you to know exactly what to do. It's 8 questions. It's 2 minutes. It tells you exactly what level of your family's teenage tree you need to be focused on. Not the surface thing, the real one. From there, the exact next right move to take. It's called Beyond the Surface and it's free. The link is below. Go take it. And in just a few minutes, you're going to have more clarity than you would after a few hours of researching and scrolling. You can also go to theteenageguide.com/quiz.

Hey, I'm Ashley Chandler, The Teenage Guide, and for nearly 2 decades I've worked inside middle schools and high schools and with college-age students and family living rooms, helping hundreds of families go from daily conflict and closed doors to real connection with their teenager. I speak parent and I speak teen, and I create a bridge between you that a lot of other methods can't and won't. If you're navigating adolescence in your home and a version of yourself you're still becoming, You're exactly where you need to be. Let's reimagine the teenage years with science and soul at the forefront. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast.

Welcome back to The Teenage Guide Podcast. I'm Ashley Chandler, the founder of The Teenage Guide. And today I wanna start off with something just a little bit different. I wanna start with focus on real families, the experience that starts to happen after families work with me. What starts to shift when parents stop running, let's say the old playbook, got lots of sports fanatics in my family, so the old playbook, and they start upgrading how they relate to themselves, how they relate to their teen, and the skills that you're focused on using the tools that I share. And then after that, I'm gonna be sharing details all around my upcoming live 3-part class that I'm running throughout this back-to-school season. But the kickoff is this Friday, August 14th. So if you're ready, let's do this. So I wanna start with the story of a mom and a teenage daughter, and the daughter was struggling big time with her friend group. And if you're the parent of a teenage girl, you already know what I'm about to say. The dynamics and the way that they treat each other, the way they see themselves, it really starts to drastically shift in the teenage years. One week she might have a friend group, the next week she doesn't. She's sitting alone at the lunch table. And when you try to connect with her about it, there's either a door slammed in your face, it turns into an argument, or there's big emotional breakdowns and you don't know how to step in. This mom I'm about to share came to me because her daughter had completely shut down. The teenage girl was obviously extremely stressed and overwhelmed and sad and feeling lonely, but it came out in attitude with the rest of the family and they were all bearing the brunt and they needed a better toolkit. What we worked on wasn't just the friendship piece. It started with her identity. What she was believing about herself, what she was believing about friendship and what was possible for her, allowing her coaching through the process of seeing her standards in relationships and also building self-awareness to know how she was showing up or the perception of how she was showing up. See, oftentimes when we are triggered or we're stressed by something, We can come off in a way that is not intended. And so it was clear that the friend dynamic, the friend group rather, had a narrative about her that simply wasn't true. But when we're a teenage girl, we don't know that. And we make it mean something bad about us or the other person. And we worked on specific skills and her ability to open up even just a little bit, not from, you better tell me what's going on, but Really listening and asking questions and meeting her where she was at and journaling and really honoring her own process and the way she processed information, what felt natural to her, kind of pushing her out of her comfort zone a little bit. And so it was this process that we went through. And she's starting to make really big shifts in how she sees herself, what she will tolerate, what she will put her energy towards. Being more aware, self-aware of how she comes across and almost hitting the reset button for her internally, not relying on the friend group to change or the other girls to change, but giving her the tools to start to practice changing herself. And alongside that, what we worked on was building trust and open dialogue and open communication, what that looks like from the parent side, And the teen side to be able to listen in a way the other person will receive and also communicate in a way that the other person will receive. Both of them wanted that, but there was major blocks. And so by the end, there's been so much more trust and ease and fun between them. So I recently got a text from the mom and she said, I just overheard Hallie coaching her sister through girl drama. It's working. Thank you so much! Dozens of exclamation points. This is the real work because we know that when we feel better about ourselves, no matter what age we are, we treat people better. We show up in different ways. We treat school differently. We treat our work differently and our priorities and our energy and our time and all the things. So it really starts with that relationship with herself. The second family I wanna tell you about, I'm gonna call him Seth. He just finished his junior year, so he's gonna be a senior this year. And I worked with him throughout junior year, and I just got this message from his mom. And all through junior year, he was carrying a lot. He put a lot of pressure on himself. He wanted to do well in school, but he did not have the kind of habits and routines and skills that he needed to be able to maintain the pressure of school his junior year. And in the back of his mind, see, this happens a lot with teenagers. They are putting pressure on themselves that you can't see. And what looks like laziness or apathy or entitlement is oftentimes underneath that something different. And that's what was happening for Seth too. And on top of that, his dynamic with his dad was ruptured.

Yeah.

Not a lot of trust there, not a lot of just, hey, let's hang out. It was mostly about logistics and sports and there wasn't like deep connection. And so what was happening his junior year, because if you don't know, junior year is when a lot of issues, challenges start to present themselves with teenagers because they want more independence, because they need more independence. And also the pressure of making sure school's going well because they want to get into a good college or they're starting to the end of the tunnel and the end of high school in a way that they hadn't before. And so junior year can kind of bring up some stress that maybe hasn't been there before. And that's what was happening with Seth and his dad. And so they would get into a lot of conflict and mom was always feeling like a mediator. Seth would go to her, the husband would go to her, and meanwhile, she just felt like she was trapped in the middle. So And it was annoying to both of them, although she tended to take Seth's side because her husband's a grown adult. So there was that narrative too. And so when we started working together, we worked on all of it. I worked with Seth individually, dad individually, mom individually, brought dad and Seth together, the communication patterns that were keeping them all stuck, Seth's own regulation, dad's own self-regulation, and then Seth's executive function skills. So this is the part that often gets missed throughout high school years. You cannot expect a teenager to initiate what they need to do and regulate their emotions when they're stressed about something not related to you and manage their time, their energy, their priorities, all the things, if their nervous system is in a constant state of stress and dysregulation. If they have these invisible stressors, which is part of the work that we do together, is identifying specifically What are our triggers? What are our stressors? There's actually 7 different categories that a lot of parents don't realize of stress that are running the show. And they are running the show whether you realize it or not. They are contributing to how we are able to move through stress and be present and responsive versus reactive. So that means that we feel triggered, Someone says something or asks something over here, and we're able to separate the trigger from that person. We're able to regulate ourselves, bring awareness to it, and respond in a way that is healthy, even if it is saying something like, I'm just really stressed right now. I know this is important. Give me like 5 minutes. Like, that's a tool right there to be able to do that. But the process underneath that is part of the work that we do together. And so remember that a team cannot initiate that process without a regulated adult. It's not developmentally appropriate to think of your— it's your teen's responsibility to regulate you. Okay? So that's part of the work that we did. And without any shame, right? It's not like our parents were taught these things. So they inevitably passed down some ways of coping and behaving and responding and just dealing with life. To us. That is part of what parents do. And so the work that I do is giving you a toolkit for the modern day. It's 2026. We need to up our game. We know about the nervous system. We know about neuroscience. We know about the impacts of identity and self-awareness. We know this now. So how do we bring them together so that we really have that underlying awareness and belief in ourselves. And the way that we connect with each other is coming from a place of also awareness and regulation and compassion versus judgment or fear or control. So it's the difference with Seth in particular and his mom and dad. It's the difference of being able to have routines and systems to do well in school and then be able to go downstairs And have a nice dinner and have a conversation, and you actually feel connected. Like you can say, how was your day? And defenses are dropped. No one's thinking you're judging them. And they can come to you with a challenge or some stress or anxiety, and you know how to show up in that moment. This is the work that we do. So I just got a message from his mom. She sent me pictures. They're on family vacation and she wrote, I am so grateful that you're our person. Seth's confidence on this trip is blowing me and my husband away. There's only been one flare-up. We were able to come back together and patch it up pretty quickly. This is my dream come true, Ashley. You're the best. These are the words from real client experiences. And I'm just so grateful to share these. I love what I do, which brings me to what I'm offering right now. And I wanna be really clear and specific about what's inside of it, because this is not a generic back-to-school class. Let's get our school supplies and blah, blah, blah. How do you organize email? No, this breaks the status quo and actually gives you parents a back-to-school blueprint that most parents of teens do not have. Notice that when they're in definitely elementary and even in middle, It's like we kind of start thinking about how to prep them for back to school, but with teenagers, we don't really know how. That is exactly what Start Strong is all about. And I go live this Friday. It's Friday, Saturday, Sunday, 3 30-minute classes. It runs for 3 days, the 14th, 15th, 16th. This is my August section, and it is the back-to-school blueprint that your family actually needs. It's $33, a little bit over your yoga class, your Pilates class, and it is truly valuable. Here's who it's for. If school is a sore subject in your house, low drive, lots of resistance, lots of excuses or yelling, this is for you. If there's more conflict than connection at home right now, this is for you. If you're watching your teen navigate their social life and different friend groups or just peer stuff, and you don't know how to help or how to approach, this is for you. And if you're kind of answering D, all of the above, and maybe not one of those things is catastrophically wrong, But a little bit of everything, this is for you. You don't have to be in crisis to belong here. And many of the parents who show up are not in crisis, but they're tired. They're exhausted by the pattern and they wanna break it or they wanna get ahead of it. So I'm gonna walk you through an overview of what I'm gonna be covering and what you're gonna be building inside these 3 days. So day 1 is about the relationship and I'm calling it the climb. So this is really important to remember. A teen will not listen to you unless they feel listened to. This isn't some slogan. This is neuroscience. On day 1, we go straight to what's been running the show at home and what's been underneath it. Not the surface stuff, but the relationship dynamic, what's underneath it that oftentimes will keep you stuck. The reason that the same conversation keeps going sideways and ends in Way more yelling than you wanna admit. You'll leave day 1 knowing exactly what that is and the one move that will change everything. Day 2 is about diagnosing the skill gap inside your home, and it's called the peak. So when I coach parents through this, this is where most of them have the biggest kind of aha moment because underneath every frustrating pattern with, you know, the missing assignments, The lying, the hiding, the secrecy, the emotions breaking down, and you're so triggered you're making it worse, the conversations that just land on like eye rolls and deaf ears. In every single one of these, there is specific awareness and skill gap, not character flaw necessarily, not laziness necessarily, not moodiness or anger just because they want to. A skill gap. That is totally fixable when you know what you're looking at and how to build it. Day 2 is all about learning the pattern while you're inside of it, and it changes everything. Once you see it for yourself, you can't unsee it. And Day 3 is when all of this becomes a foundational plan for your first 30 days of school, or the next 30 from when you get access. To start strong. Day 3 is where insight from day 1 and 2 actually becomes a family system that you can run in the first 30 days following Start Strong. I was gonna say the first 30 days of the school year, but maybe when you're finding this, it won't be the first 30 days of the school year. It's still going to be effective. It's still gonna work. Okay? Not maybe, but an inevitable shift when you do this work and when you Work it in order. And this isn't just about your teen. This is about you too. And that's something that differentiates me from maybe other parent coaches or teen coaches is that we oftentimes focus on the teen, their behavior, their attitude, how to this and that. Talk to any expert in any field around human development, child development, psychology, counseling, education, And everyone will agree that most people think parenting is about the teen and it's not, it's about you. And so focusing on you and your wellbeing when you are in your own season of being sandwiched, maybe with your own health considerations, with aging parents and the teens, your own identity transformation. I like to say that midlife is like adolescence in reverse. And you've probably heard me say that before. And it's really important to repeat that here because what I help parents with comes from full self-compassion, removing shame completely, allowing yourself to truly feel taken care of from the inside out. And that means starting with your beliefs, starting with the way you see yourself and you think about why you're even in this place. Uncovering that, that's the inside. And then out is your experience of everything, your experience of parenting, your experience of being human. We really build the toolkit to support you in all of those areas when you work with me. So how you show up during this particular season really matters. And I like to say it's not just for graduation and getting into a nice college and check, check, check. No. It's so that you have a relationship That you feel genuinely happy about and proud of, and you want to spend the holidays together when they're grown adults. They wanna share their life with you when they go off to college. That is what we're building. Start Strong is $33 for all 3 live days, and you get the recordings afterwards. And an extra bonus, if you want customized support. So let's say following the 3 classes, you're like, man, I'd really love to meet with Ashley. And have her take a look at this with us, then you can upgrade to VIP. Real coaching around your family plan, not just a method in isolation. I truly believe that this is the best $33 that you're gonna spend this back-to-school season, and it starts this Friday, August 14th. You can get all the details and grab your spot at theteenageguide.com/strong. And like you heard about at the beginning of this episode, if you wanna find out where you're actually struggling before I kick off on Friday, Take my free quiz. It's called Beyond the Surface, and the link to it is also in the show notes, or you can go to theteenageguide.com/quiz. It's free, it's 2 minutes, and you're gonna have so much clarity. Remember, never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I'll see you Friday.

Thank you so much for being here today. If this episode resonated with you or Or if you heard yourself somewhere in it, that is not an accident. You are meant to be here. Come discover more about me and my work at theteenageguide.com or follow along wherever you are. And if this episode helped you, share it with one parent who needs to hear it. A like and a subscribe means more than you know. And as always, never underestimate the power that you have as the parent, because you are the teenage guide too.