389. Making Friends 🫶🏽 | My Relocation Diaries

Hey everyone, this is me here again with my Relocation Diaries. This is episode number six and I want to start by saying thank you so much for being here in my Relocation Diaries. As part of my Influency podcast, I am talking about my experience relocating to a different country, starting my life over in a new place, learning a language and more about my day to day life and work and everything. Because I mean, I won't always have something interesting to tell you about the relocation, so we're going to have to keep it interesting. But today I want to talk about friendships and my insights around making friends, meeting new people, so on and so forth. So that's the topic of today's episode and I think it's especially interesting for people who are older than 20. I'm 44, I'm going to be 44 this year. And I think friendships and making friends is very different for me in this stage of my life as a parent as well, living with a partner. Right. Like, I think it's a little different than how it was when I was 20. So I think that if you are around my age, some of the things that I'm. My chair might be relevant for you as well, even if you're not relocating. And if you are older than me or younger than me, then I guess it's going to be relevant as well because I'm sure it's going to help you reflect on your relationships and how you make friends and how it has been for you at different stages of your life. So that's what I want to talk about today because I've been thinking about it quite a lot recently, especially as I was, you know, meeting new people, making new friends, missing my friends back home. Very much so, yeah. But before that I want to give you an update as I usually do. So I'm recording this as we are almost three months into our relocation. We moved here at the beginning of January. It is Now Mid March, 20th March actually. This is when I'm recording this and it feels like we, we. So much has happened since we got here. Like we, we have done so much. Like we really packed a lot of life into those two and a half months. So right now we are right before Semana Santa, which is like a spring break at the end of March and my sister and her family are coming to visit and I'm so looking forward to it. I was waiting for this moment since the moment we got here, if you remember. I think in the first episode I share that my sister used to live right downstairs from me. And her and I are really, really close. And my niece and nephew were like my kids. They still are, right? Like my additional family, we used to spend a lot of time there. They used to spend a lot of time with us. So it felt like one big home, and we no longer have it. So the fact that they're coming here is huge for me, for my family, for my daughters, for them. And I'm really, really looking forward to it, especially since we're going to also have vacation. Like, the girls are going to be off. They're going to have an entire week off, which is great because the school is so demanding. Oh, my God, their school is so demanding. It's very different. Like, really long hours. And that's different than what we used to have back home. They take the bus. It takes them a while to get to school, to get back. Long days, homework, tests, all of those things that we didn't have back home. And we're all getting used to it. So their vacation is also our vacation, I have to say. So I'm really looking forward to it and also spending time with my sister and her family. And I'm also very sad already for the fact that they're going to be leaving after a week. Like, I'm. I'm already feeling all the feelings. No, like knowing that it's going to be temporary. But the good thing is that at the end of April, we're going to go visit home because it's a holiday, and we're going to go visit my parents and Gil's parents. So we're going to meet again soon. Also, we've been really busy at work. I've been really busy. We're about to launch New Sound in April. Newsound is my signature program, and we've put in a lot of work and thought into it. We open doors twice a year, and before we open doors, we either create a big, big event or run webinars. And there is a lot of work in the background. I prepare the webinars and I work on the emails that I'm going to send you telling you about my program. And there is, like, so much that is happening. And I try to, in a really, really focused way so that I could have the week off next week. But it's been really stressful, which is funny, because if today I want to talk about making friendships, like you need time for it. And I felt like, especially recently, over the last two, three weeks, where I've been really, really busy, I feel like it. It's clashing with my desire or need to meet new people and spend time with people. But anyway, I'm going to talk about that soon. So that is has been happening as well. So we're trying to balance it all. In terms of my apartment, it's still not ready. I still need a lot of furniture and stuff. It's a big apartment because we got an apartment with an extra room for guests and it was completely empty, so we needed everything. But then I realized that it's not just like the couch and the dining table and the desk, like all the small things, all the photos and the pictures and the flowers on the wall and the things that you collect along the years and you put them, you stick them in different corners of the house and we don't have any of that. Like, we brought some stuff with us, but not a lot because we also get rid of a lot of things that we thought that we didn't need. But these were all memories and they filled up our house and now the house is really empty and it's not as empty. I'm now feels like I'm exaggerating because we did get a lot of stuff, but it's draining. And it's also like organizing and coordinating and purchasing and looking for things. So that is very, very energy consuming. Just so you know, if you're planning a relocation, then settling in in your home takes up a lot of time and energy. So be prepared for it. So that's it. That's my update. All right, let's talk about friendships. So I noticed that I'm not the type of person who makes friends really easily because first of all, I don't. I have a digital business. So it's not like I go to work and then I meet friends and colleagues, right? So I work online. My friends, the new people I meet online are either my team members who are friends and are a part of my life and my family, but it's online. It's not like a friend that you see regularly. And I think that it's harder to make friends as you grow up as an adult because you don't have like changing circles. So you have your neighborhood. But that's not like I don't have a lot of interactions with people in my neighborhood. I'm. I'm speaking about how it was when I was back home. So when I think about it, like some of the closest friends that I have until today, I met in my 20s and I met them either in high school, and I'm still friends with my high school with some of my high school friends, really, really close friends, best friends. And then friends that I met when working in restaurants in my 20s. And they are family already. Our families are friends. We are friends. We speak regularly. We meet when? Well, when I used to live there, we used to meet regularly. You know, even if it's once a month or once every two months, like when they call, it's like I'm there for them. When I call, they are there for me. These are soulmates that I have. I have four very, very, very close friends who have been with me for 20, 25 years. And then for many years, I wasn't making any new friends. Like, there was a time where I was active. It was an activist. This is how I met Gail, by the way. That was back in 2011. And then I had like a big group of friends, a lot of new friends, but it felt like they were there for just a little bit, for the time that I was like active, I was being an activist. And then kind of like all the relationships faded out. And I kept my four close friends. And then for many years, I wasn't making any new friends. So I had Gil and I had my family who's really close to me. I had my girls. And then when you have young kids, kids, then you don't make a lot of friends usually, at least not me, because I was both like starting a business and learning how to be a mother, which was pretty demanding. So it's kind of like no time for anyone else except for the friends that I already have and me, myself and my family. And then as my daughters grew up, we started like meeting people around their friends circles, right? So parents of their friends. So every time, like if they were in one kindergarten, we would become friends with some of the parents and then that would disappear and then with other parents. But then when they went to school, there was a group that formed around the Friends of Asia, my younger daughter. So we were a group of four families. And we became really, really, really close friends, which was amazing. So that was like a new group of friends that was created that became really close to me and to my family. And we hung out together and we traveled together. So that was really good. So I had my friends from 20 years ago and I had my new friends from the school community. And it was really great. I felt very full. I felt like I, you know, if I need a one on one talk, I will have this friend. If I need help with something, I would have another friend. If I need to hang out with a family, it would be, you know, that group of friends. So it was kind of like for every situation I had the perfect connection, the perfect relationship. We were fostering these relationships, I was working at maintaining them. And of course at times, especially with me, I had to teach myself how to do it because for many years I would get really busy at work, especially before I had a team, and I would forget to call my friends or to check up on them or to respond to them. And they got angry with me, like frustrated, whether they would say that or not. Like I would, then I would like catch myself and be like, oh my God, I haven't responded to her messages or oh my God, I haven't called her in so long. And I had to remind myself that even though sometimes we do take for granted our old friendships, we can't take them for granted and we always have to work at fostering it and maintaining it and investing in, in each other. And I think I learned to do that and I, I became better at it. Because sometimes when you're like chasing your tail during, you know, busy periods of your life, it's easy to forget to spend time with friends or to make time for friends, but when you do it make total sense. It completely balances you out. And, and I, I've learned that I think the hard way and I'm happy about learning how to make space for friends even when I'm really, really busy. And sometimes I'm really busy and I'm like, listen, I don't have time, I don't have capacity. I love you, I miss you. Let's meet when I'm done. And vice versa. Sometimes they would not have time or capacity. And I'm, I, I'm like the first to understand that as long as we communicate it. And then I moved here and it really changed things up because all of a sudden we don't have the face to face interaction. And I'm not the type of person who likes to speak on the phone and I also don't like to text much, which makes it harder to be in a long distance relationship with your friends. So it's something that I need to teach myself how to do properly. And I'm not good at it. Like, this is pretty bad. Also my friends are also busy and they don't love speaking on the phone, which feels like, okay, we need to find a system to maintain this friendship even though we are distant. And that is something that I'm discovering now. It hasn't been that long. It's been like two and a half months. And sometimes we would go two, three, even four months without seeing each other. So it not new. So I feel like I need to get more comfortable with being on the phone or maybe doing more intentional zoom calls to understand how to keep that relationship without meeting. So as I'm trying to maintain and understand how I switch my relationships from in person to online, I know how to do it with a business, but not yet with friendships. I'm also learning to open myself up to new friendships. And I feel like that I'm being very open and curious, which is something I'm impressed by. I'm impressed by my openness because again, like, I'm the type of person who's very protective of her time. So I would be like, I'm working and then I'm with my family and then I'm with my friends and I don't have a lot of extra time. And here I'm like, no, Hadar, this is a new adventure. This is a new opportunity space, and you have to open yourself up for new things and new people. And I'm genuinely excited about it. Like, I'm genuinely curious about the people who live here and I want to make a lot of new friends. And as an introvert who prefers to be on her own, this is a surprising experience for me. Like, before, I would not go out at all and hear every time a friend or someone says, hey, Hadar, this is happening. I'm like, I'm in. Let's do it. You know, also because I don't have a lot of life outside of home and office, which is right now the same space. So it's like, let's go out. Yes, of course, let's do it. So apart from one friend who lives here, and I've known her for also 20 years, and it's so nice to connect with her and to learn how to be friends when we live in the same place. I'm meeting a lot of new friends now. Right now, all of these new people that I'm meeting are from the community. They are also from Israel, so it's easier for me to do that. We speak the same language. Um, I still haven't exposed myself or found an international or local community where I could meet new people. I have plans on how to do it. I'm going to study Spanish in a school, a physical school, so I can meet more people. And I want to interact with business owners here in Barcelona and in Spain. So that is definitely my aim. Not right now, because I'm so, so busy before. New sound Opens, but maybe in May. But within this community, I feel like I'm. I'm. I'm a lot more open, and I'm really curious, which is a part of really getting myself out of, like, my mission to get myself out of my comfort zone and do things differently. Because I used to not do that. I used to say no to anything that is not home, friends, work, family, you know, travel. That's it. So remember that I said, like, I think when we do big things like this, like relocating to a different country, then we need to see what are the patterns that we want to maintain and what are the patterns that we want to break. Because it's easier to do it when we make big changes. Because when we live our lives and then we try to break patterns, I think it's harder. It's harder to break those patterns because we're so used to the same thing. But then when we make big moves, whether it's a new job or a new relationship or leaving a relationship or changing your country, or even just moving out and moving to a different apartment, it's an opportunity to explore yourself, to kind of like run the database of who you are, look at it and say, how do I clean it up? Right? How do I clean the code a little bit and only keep the things that work for me and I eliminate the things that don't work? And I think that my openness to meeting new people and making new friends is definitely something new, and I am excited about it. Also, I have met really incredible people here. There are a lot of women entrepreneurs, and I have to say that this is my favorite community, because women who are also entrepreneurs, especially women who are entrepreneurs who have relocated, it feels like they've been pushing a lot of boundaries and kind of like smashing a lot of obstacles to get there. And I appreciate that. So I've met a lot of incredible women entrepreneurs and just people who have relocated against the same thing. Like, it's a shared experience that connects us. Like, people I would have never had any interaction with back home, all of a sudden, that thing connects us. But also, like I said, I want to make sure that I'm not drawn into staying inside of this community, because even though it's incredible and I love it, like community of. Of Israelis who have immigrated or relocated, I want to make sure that I'm open to the world because that's what I really, really want. And I'm excited about that. I'm excited about meeting international people, international entrepreneurs. I'm excited about meeting my students here. I'm really excited about the opportunity of speaking in Spanish to my neighbors. Let me explain. Like, I have this vision that once I get. I become more confident in Spanish. And by confident, I mean once I'm able to have a very, very decent, basic small talk, I was like, I want to get to know my neighbors. I would put a note inviting everyone to my apartment for a cocktail party or just, like, tea time so that we could meet. Because sometimes we meet in the elevator, and it's like an old, small elevator that you have to kind of, like, lock yourself in, and I can't speak to them, or, like, I get too shy and I don't use my Spanish. And I'm like, I wish I could talk to them and know them like I did my neighbors back home. So that's it. I'm planning to have tea time or cocktail party. Probably cocktails would be better for my Spanish. But that's, like, what I want, and that's how I want things to be. Like, easy. I want it to be easy to meet friends and to speak Spanish. That's it. That's what I want. Trying new things. Trying new things. Anyway, that's what I had to say about friendships and how making friends is such a huge, big, important skill that sometimes we forget how to develop when we get comfortable with the friends that we have. And it's good to test it out because it teaches you a lot about yourself. And what I also wanted to say is that it makes me think about who are the people I want to have around me, and how do I want to show up in front of them, Right? Like, am I changing something about myself when I'm with them? Because right now, I'm a lot more conscious about how I want to feel and how I want to show up. And if I feel that I'm shifting a little bit to please others or to adjust to their rhythm, that's a big no no to me, right? And I used to be a lot more flexible with that. Like, I used to adapt a lot more easily when I was younger. And now I'm like, no, it has to feel right. It has. I have to feel comfortable with myself. I need to feel like I'm not trying to keep up or to please or to entertain someone. And when meeting new people like, you ask yourself these questions because you usually don't ask it when you have the group of people that you're familiar with. It's also interesting for me to look at my girls and see how they do that, because for them, it's a lot harder. They're in school. They have, like, dozens, if not hundreds of new faces. Well, I'm exaggerating. These are small classes, and they're not making friends with the entire school, but still, like, they are working hard at making friends and even making friends in another language and also making sure that they are comfortable with who they are. One of my girls said, you know, I miss home so much because my friends back home just knew me and I knew them, and if we had any issues, we would get past it really easily. And now it's so hard. And I looked at her and I said, like, I know, baby, I know. But this is what you're learning now, how to get past it easily, you know, and it's something that you will need to learn, because the friends that you had back home have been with you since you were in kindergarten for many years, for five years you've known them. They're like family. But feeling uncomfortable with someone new and learning how to stay yourself and still be comfortable with them and find your place in a group is probably one of the most important skills that we can develop as individuals. And if there is something, I'm happy about the challenges that my girls face because one of them is struggling a bit more than the other. And every now and then, I'm like, what have I done? What have I done? They're not going to forget it. They're going to remember this all their lives. They're going to say, I ruined their lives. I. I'm kidding. They won't. But, well, maybe they will. Can't control it anymore. I did it. But what I'm trying to say is that even though they might think it's a challenging experience, they are learning so much from this struggle, from learning how to find their place in a new group and staying aligned with their values, which is also something that they're learning with, like, in different experiences, knowing what their values are. Because when you are with someone for so long, you develop the same values, and then all of a sudden, you don't realize that you might have other people who might have different values than yours. And then it's a question, what do you do? You know? And I think that they are dealing with that. And I'm. Even though it's hard, I'm so happy for them because they're going to grow up to be stronger, more resilient women who know what they want and know how to make friends and how to read the room. And their mother is learning that. And when I do that, like, when I go to a new event or a meetup or something like that here, I come back and I tell them about how I feel and, like the insecurities that I've experienced and my thoughts. So I share that with them to normalize those things and to give them permission to talk to me about it when that happens. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I interrogate them and they resist it. It's like, so tell me, Asya, so how was school and how was it with your friends and how it in class? And they're like, mom, mom, leave me alone, Mom. And I know because I read in all the parenting books, never interrogate your kids. But I just can't help it. I need to know the answers anyway. I don't get answers and I have to live with it. All right, that's it. About friendships. I'm gonna keep updating you about my friendships and relationships and I'm gonna tell you about the time where I will have my first friendship in Spanish. English is going to be easy. Spanish more so if you remember, one of my goals is to record a podcast, but that's like an advanced Spanish goal. But maybe one that is less advanced would be to have my neighbors for tea time or just have a casual conversation with a friend in Spanish. That's like my middle goal. There's the top goal, the podcast middle goal, make friends and speak to them in Spanish. And maybe my first next goal is to speak to the porter and order in a restaurant without having to switch to English at all. All right, I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing with my short, mid and long term goals. And you need to have those goals for yourself as well. If not in Spanish, then in English or whatever language you speak. Thank you so much for being here with me today, listening to my conversation with myself about friendships and relationships. And I love you all. Take care. Talk to you next week. Bye. It.