46. Afraid Of Small Talk? How To Go From Awkward To Brilliant With One Simple Trick

Welcome to the Influency Podcast. I'm Hadar and this is episode number 46 today. Wait for it. We're gonna talk about small talk. Yep, I said small talk. Hello, lovely people. Thank you so, so much for being here again for another episode. And you're probably asking yourself, hadar, why the drama? I mean, small talk. Okay, cool, great. I need it. But why are you making such a big deal out of it in the intro? Well, because it is a big deal.

For a lot of people.

Now here's the thing. I'm Israeli. As you may or may not know, I'm not American. And Israeli people are very direct. Very direct, straight to the point. And that makes the whole idea of small talk a little more complicated because we don't get talking about the weather. I mean, if we're here to talk about the new product, let's talk about the product. If we are here to talk about the feedback that you're going to give me or criticism, then don't spare me, spare me the talk about the flight here or your kid's birthday or whatnot. Just give it to me, right? And being an Israeli, I'm also very nosy. Like, I want to know everything about you. So I may end up asking, like, really personal question. Well, not me, because I'm already somewhat Americanized, as you already know, listening to my pronunciation here. But even in terms of my cultural behavior, I am less direct than I used to be in the past, before I had my affair with American culture and American sounds. So we tend to be very direct, like straight to the point, because that's our way to get to know each other. Like to really get to know each other. It's this deep rooted connection right from the start. And either you hit it off or you don't. And it doesn't always work that way. In American culture, things are not as direct. And small talk plays a huge part in connection and communication. It bridges that initial gap. And there is a gap between people. I mean, the US is so incredibly vast and big. You need like a five hour flight to cross the country. There are so many groups and subgroups and different cultures and there's such diversity that there isn't one common ground between all people. And the way to bridge that difference and gap and space between people is small talk. Because small talk is that very safe, hesitant, respectful way to understand if the person in front of you is a person that you might want to go a little deeper later on, or you might want to do business with, or you might want to continue this conversation with. So instead of thinking of small talk as an obligation, we have to understand that it is an opportunity and a bridge. And why am I saying all of that? Because you might also resist small talk and you might blame it on English. Like, you might say, oh, I'm really good at it in my native language. And I don't have any issues with the idea of small talk. I'm just afraid. I'm just afraid of how I'm going to come across. I'm just afraid of making mistakes. I'm afraid of being judged. And that's okay. Like that. These are legit fears. And we always talk about it. It's not just about small talk. It's about everything. When you show up in a language that is not your native language. However, at the same time, it is a tool and we need to know how to use it to get what we want, which is for people to hear us and for people to listen to us and to be able to persuade people and get them on our side. And you gotta do it through small talk. So for those of you who are afraid of this initial interaction, who are afraid of making mistakes, who are afraid of what people are gonna think, I wanted to share with you a very practical tip that will help you succeed in any situation where you have to make that casual, informal conversation, also known as small talk. And I'm not going to teach you any phrases or questions or words to use when going into a small talk, because we never remember those anyway. Right? You can practice it now and then three weeks from today, you might get into a situation where you. You might have to conduct small talk, and you will not remember what you have practiced, like, three weeks before. So the idea is the mindset and the intention and that one little practical tip that will make everything so incredibly easier. And people are going to love talking to you and they won't understand why, but you and I will. Anyway, you're probably curious. So what I'm going to do is share with you the audio of the episode. You can also watch it on my blog and on my website because I add some visuals that might make it a little funnier. So if you enjoy it and there are parts where you're like, I don't understand what's going on there. Come on over and watch the video. Because it's fun. I had a lot of fun creating it. Okay, so once you are done, come on over to Hadar Accentsway on Instagram and tell me what you think. I would love to start a conversation over there. I hope you enjoy it. And let's listen.

Let's talk about small talk. If you're the kind of person who starts sweating as soon as the zoom call starts, starts, and not everyone has joined just yet and you need to make a little bit of a conversation and that stresses you out, or if you are at an event and the moment they give you a break, you run outside to buy coffee trying not to bump into anyone so you wouldn't have to talk to them. Then this, my friend, is for you. Now why is small talk so freaking scary? As a speaker of English as a second language, you probably experience some sort of self judgment anyway when speaking English. And that has to do with the fact that you simply don't feel like you can express yourself in English the same way you can express yourself in your native language. And you feel that gap when communicating with people, especially with new people, when there is this new interaction with another human being. We are afraid of being judged and we want to be okay. And, and sometimes you don't know exactly what to say and how to interact and we're afraid of those silent moments and we're afraid of making mistakes and that people are not going to get who we are because we wouldn't be able to express ourselves fully because of English. Now, even native speakers or even small talk in your native language might be intimidating. So I believe that it's that initial interaction that we know is important and we have to do it, but we don't know exactly how to do it successfully, especially if you're an introvert and all you want to do is just speak to your computer. I just felt so incredibly alone. You were right there next to me and you didn't say a word, Nothing. That's me. Also, in American English and American culture, small talk is really valued. And for people who don't share the same cultural values. And it might seem a little weird to talk about the weather or the commute when we're here to talk about something else. And if you don't share the same culture, small talk might come across as a burden, not necessarily because of English, but because you don't see the point in it. So when we want to talk about small talk and how to become better at small talk, it's important to discuss it within the cultural context. In American culture, small talk, which is this informal back and forth conversation about something that is not related to anything specific, especially if you're about to start a meeting. So it's not related to the content of the meeting. It's really important to establish trust and to start building a relationship. And this is why it is important to understand how to manage it and how to master it, even if you don't passionately feel that it's important for connection and communication. Now, if you do tend to dislike small talk or you just don't know what to do there, I want you to think about this. First of all, it's really an opportunity to get to know people because at the end of the day, we are here to connect and to communicate and to establish relationships. And this is your chance to do that. Because if you don't start with a simple conversation, it will be really hard to build and grow meaningful relationships. Also, if you're an English learner, it is an awesome opportunity to practice your English. So whenever you have an opportunity to get into a small conversation, do it. Do it. Even if you're afraid, do it. Even if you feel like, ooh, I don't know what to say and I'm going to get stuck, do it. Because it's an excellent English practice. And usually if this is not someone that you will be meeting again and again and again, I mean, who cares what they think if you get stuck or if you make mistakes, right? It is an opportunity for you to talk. And who knows, something great might come out of this. So instead of thinking about it like an obligation, think about it like an opportunity. And that would get you a little more excited about this whole thing. Now, if you are afraid about speaking English, then let me tell you this. When you interact with someone, be it a native speaker or non native speaker, people are usually not obsessed or they usually don't pay attention with what you say, especially when you're first meeting with them and you're having this initial interaction. Because people want to have a healthy conversation and usually what they're concerned about is themselves. So usually what goes inside a person's head is not, ooh, they used have worked instead of worked. But okay, so what can I answer her or him? So the conversation will keep on flowing and rolling. Now, if you want to become more successful at small talk, then here are a few tips that are definitely going to help you do that. As of this moment, the one thing that has incredibly helped me overcome my fear of small talk was to make it about the other person. This is the best advice that I can give you. It is not about you. Again, it is not about your mistakes. It is not about your English. It is not about how smart you are. It is about the other person. And the one value that will keep you in the right direction is curiosity. Be genuinely curious about the other person. A lot of times people think that, ooh, small talk is so superficial and artificial. Not if you make it about them and not if you're genuinely curious about the other person. And in a sec, I'm going to give you a few tips on how exactly to do that and a few very technical, simple tips that you are going to love, I guarantee. So first of all, when you make it about the other person, you have less self judgment, which is very freeing. And when you have less self judgment, then you're more fluent because judgment takes up a lot of space in our head and that prevents the words from becoming available and clear. And everything is less smooth and more stuck, which we don't want. So let go of self judgment, make it about them. Also approach the other person with respect, respect for their privacy. So no weird questions like how much do you make? Or how much rent do you pay here? Or do you have any kids? And yes, when people come from a culture where family is one of the cultural values, it sounds strange not to talk about family or children, but in some cultures it is less appropriate. People are more personal, individual, and they don't want to talk about whether or not they have kids and maybe justify their choice whether or not to have kids at all. Right? This is not a good topic or a great situation to be in when you are just introduced to someone. And also, I would avoid controversial topics. Religion, politics, sex. Like keep it for later. Okay. I'm all about talking about controversial topics, especially politics, but not at the beginning because you don't know who the other person is. You don't know they might get offended by something that you may say. So you want to be respectful of their privacy and of their freedom to lead the conversation. So as a recommendation, stay away from controversial topics. Now let's get practical with a few tips on what you can do to make your conversation very, very successful. First, be the leader of the conversation rather than the follower. When you lead the conversation, you have more confidence and your entire goal is to get the other person to talk again, making it about them. And how do you do that? By asking simple questions that have an open answer. So try to avoid yes, no questions. Was your flight here okay? Mm, great. But instead, ask open questions that are simple. So is this your first time here? No, actually I've been here before. And then you have an opportunity to ask a follow up question. You get an answer that is more than just yes or no. And then you ask something. You take one word or an idea that was presented in the answer and you ask a question about that. Oh, cool. And how do you like it?

I love it.

I mean, the beaches here are beautiful. Again, an opportunity to take the answer and turn it into a question. Ah, really? See, I haven't been to the beaches here just yet. Which one's your favorite? So I'm responding and coming up with a follow up question. Now if you get asked a question, even if you get asked a yes, no question, and that is because they haven't watched my video, then you might want to elaborate a little more. For example, is your flight here okay? Yeah, actually it was pretty good. I mean, they haven't lost my luggage, which is what they did last time, so I think it was okay. Right. So even if you get asked a question that you can answer with a simple yes or no, try to make it interesting and turn it into another conversation topic. If the person in front of you is sensitive, then they will take what you said and continue the conversation asking a question about that. One more trick that I'm going to share with you is something that I've learned from Chris Voss from his masterclass teaching the art of negotiation. Now he talks about it in the context of negotiation, but I find it exceptionally useful when used in small talk. The first thing is mirroring. Mirroring is basically the act of you taking the last piece, part of what the other person has just said and repeating it in a form of a question. For example. So is this your first time here? No, actually I've been here before. You've been here before? See what I did? I took the last part and turned it into a question. Yeah, I was at another conference about three years ago. Another conference? Yeah, it was a conference for female football fans and we discussed the misogyny that women experience in the industry.

In the industry.

Well, you see where this is going. So the cool thing about it is that the other person usually doesn't notice it because it's part of the conversation. So you didn't have to come up with anything here. You didn't have to think of new words or what questions to ask. You simply take the last part and turn it into a question. The other person is going to think that you're super interesting, compassionate, and they're going to want to keep on talking to you. Another thing that Chris was Voss discusses is labeling. Labeling is naming an emotion that someone in front of you is experiencing. And the reason why he says it's important to do that is because when you label a negative emotion, it automatically reduces the levels of stress simply by naming the emotion that the other person is experiencing. Now, to label an emotion is basically to say, it seems to me that you're very upset. It feels like you're really frustrated. He's not suggesting that you should say something like you are frustrated or you are upset or you are angry, but the way you experience it, it seems to me it feels that. Okay, now instead of labeling an emotion, because this is probably something that you wouldn't want to do. A conversation. Oh my God, I love how sunny it is. It seems to me that the sun triggers some negative emotions. Maybe something that had to do with your childhood. Unless it's a positive emotion. You seem very happy to be here, right? But you could say something about the other person. For example, going back to the original conversation. So is this your first time here?

You?

No, actually, I've been here before. Oh, cool. And how do you like it?

I love it.

I mean, the beaches here are beautiful. Ah, really? See, I haven't been to the beaches here just yet. Which one's your favorite? You gotta go check out the southern shore. I mean, it is so beautiful and usually there's no one there. Okay, maybe I'll check it out. Seems to me like you're a summer person. So I put a label on this person's experience. Now, whether I'm right or not, it doesn't really matter. As long as I keep it positive and fun, it will encourage the other person to speak a little bit more and to get in the conversation. Whether it would be, I'm a totally summer person. I mean, for me, vacation is lying on the beach drinking margaritas or. No, no, no, no. I'm a winter person. I mean, I was born in Alaska, Right. For me, snow is life. Again, a trigger to continue the conversation. Okay, that's it for today. I mean, there is plenty more we can talk about, but for now, I think that is more than enough for you to get started and start having these awesome conversations out there. Now, I have two questions for you and I'd love for you to answer them in the comments so we can start a conversation. The first is what has helped you so far in small talk and informal conversations if you had to overcome a challenge? Challenge. Share it with us and share with us what has helped you. And the second one, what is one thing that you're going to take from this conversation and put it to use as of today? If you like this video and you'd like to learn more and understand how you too can become confident and clear when speaking English. I invite you to come over to my website because it has a lot of great resources for you for free that you can put to use. It's very pretty, practical and it will help you get results immediately. Also, come over to Instagram because that's where I get more personal and share with you stuff that I only share there. Have a beautiful, beautiful week and I will see you next week in the next video.

Bye.