Homeless. Hopeless. Restored. | The Mom Makeover That BROKE Me

Tell me everything that's pissing you off.

I'm having such a hard time dreaming. Last summer when we were living homeless on the street, third trimester, pregnant. My toddler also, I, like, don't have a phone. Like, I don't have money almonds for our meal today, which, praise the Lord, it's better than nothing.

How did you feel about yourself as a mom at that moment?

Pretty. I would say, pretty close to hating myself.

It's time for hope to be restored.

Welcome to the Hannah Keeley show, where America's number one mom coach dishes out bold truth, brain hacks, and holy spirit fire to help you ditch the chaos and send anxiety running back to hell with its hair on fire. Every week, Hannah keeps it real, from breakdowns to breakthroughs and everything in between. So if you're ready to transform your life, your family, and your future, you're in the right place. Cause this is where faith gets F and moms get free. Come on, let's get this party started.

Jackie, you're here for a mom makeover?

Yes.

Okay. Why do you think you need a mom makeover?

For a lot of reasons. I just, like, I just feel like. I won't say I've been feeling overall stuck because looking back, I've been doing a lot of reflecting from, like, where I was a year ago, and I can see tremendous growth.

Awesome.

Where. Where I'm really feeling, I guess stuck is like, anything beyond the absolute, like, bare minimum essentials. Like, so, like, my God, time attending to my kids and my health. Aside from that, I'm like, when have I touched dishes? Like, how many piles of laundry is just, like, sitting and simply mopping the foot? Like, some of those just day to day things that I feel like I should be able to do, but being, like, so defeated that, like, I feel like I can never get to them, let alone, you know, add in anything else that comes up with, like, certain paperwork that has a deadline or, like, an important phone call I have to make and, like, all of those types of things when I have to attend to something else. And it's like, how do I not pull away from, you know, God, my kids, and just taking care of my own health?

Yeah.

Been feeling like, yeah, really stuck.

It's. It's normal. A lot of moms put themselves fast. You know, I call it totem pole syndrome because you're taking care of so many other people, so many other things. Before you know it, you're at the bottom of the totem pole and all of the pressure. Right. You feel all the pressure. Now, should Is a. Is a dangerous word because when we say I should be doing this, what we're doing is we're arguing with reality and we never win. Yeah. And as a result, we kind of should all over ourselves, you know, and it feels like that, you know? So here's what I want to do. I want you to just, like. Like, have you ever had, like. Like a. Like a pressure cooker? Have you. Have you ever. Have you ever used it like a. Like a pressure cooker? Like an instant pot and. Okay. You know, it's like when you turn. When you relieve the pressure. Okay, I'm gonna give you one minute, and I want you tell me everything that has been pissing you off. Okay. One minute. Tell me everything that's pissing you off right now.

Okay. I'm just gonna list what comes to my mind.

Let's go.

Behaviors like kid behavior, slash discipline.

Like what?

Like just the outbursts or the arguing or not following directions and the disobedience, like, the repetition over and over and over to where I'm, like, repeating myself what feels like 20,000 times.

Okay. What else? Clutter.

Just the clutter and the stuff. Like, whether it's my stuff or, like, so we live with my mom or, like, my mom's stuff or kids stuff or dog stuff. It's just like the piles and the. Just the crap.

Yeah. How do you feel when you see all that there?

Like, really just, like, anxious.

Okay.

Like, I don't. I feel like the best way to describe that is just, like, anxious. I don't know.

I think you're saying it all with the hands. Yes. Everything's like. Like frenetic energy and, like, rough and about to blow. What else. What else is pissing you off?

Honestly, that with my situation like, that I feel like. And when I say my situation, I'm referring to, like, my marriage and my relationship and stuff that I have, I've walked away from, but at the same time that I feel like I'm the one facing deal, like, dealing with things head on to where I'm like, where's the. Where's the justice being served? Or like, why am I the only one, you know, going to court into these.

Yes.

Yes. So all of that, I guess, to where it's feeling like sometimes unfair.

Yeah.

Even though I know that's not.

You.

Know, I know there's a whole nother side to it, but.

Right. A lot of the time, seeing. Okay. All right. So here's what I got. Always having to, like, your kids are Never learning. It's like they're never self controlled. You always have to be the one controlling them. And you're exhausted with that.

Yes.

Okay. No matter what, there's always something that comes up and you feel like you're saying the same thing a thousand times. Am I right here. Okay. And then coming home doesn't feel like. Like a haven. It doesn't feel like a place where you relax and you're rejuvenated. It feels like I'm going into almost, my guess is sometimes like a prison cell where I can't escape. It's like I can't find my respite anywhere. I can't find my retreat.

Yeah.

Okay. And then when it comes to relationships, I'm talking especially with, um. Is it your ex?

Basically, I'm in. In process of.

In process of. So we'll just, we'll just call him your ex. Okay. So in relationship with, you feel like there is so much unfairness that. And you probably have felt like there's unfairness even when you were in that relationship with him. And now out of the relationship, it's even more elevated because you're like, I'm out of it. And I still, still suffering from this. Yeah. Okay. I do. I do. I have it pegged.

Yeah, you do.

Okay. All right. Anything else there that's irritating you? We got the kids, we got the house, we got the ex.

I'll say. I don't focus on this as much, but I think subconsciously finances be got.

Just.

Really living on just what feels like the bare minimum of, you know.

Like the bare necessities.

Yes, exactly.

All right. All right. And I want to know when you. I call it like a tantrum thought. When you go to bed at night, a lot of moms feel heaviness, tightness. Maybe they can't sleep, maybe they're. Their mom brain is whirling around. If you could sum up that energy. Are you. Are you tracking with me? You know what that feels like. Like you laid down, but you, you're not resting because you're rehearsing everything and you're like looking forward to things and you're like planning and. Okay, what is the recurring theme in those movies that you play in your head at night?

The first thing that comes up is just exhaustion. Just exhaustion with like, just pure exhaustion from not getting enough sleep, but also like just the mental exhaustion of like. I feel like, like. So what comes up is like, oh, gosh, I didn't do this, this and this, or why can't I just get to this or what? What's the one thing that I did today? Like, a lot of that. Even though I try to tell myself, like, okay, well, we all ate, we're alive, we're healthy. I stretched today. But at the same time, on the flip side, I'm like, okay, but what's the. Like, when am I ever going to get beyond that and to where? Like, even last night I was just laying in bed. Like it had been a few days since I showered and I've just had so much sweat. I felt so gross. But at the same time I was so. Just physically mentally exhausted, I could not keep myself awake. Tuck in the God time to bed. And so where I'm just like, oh my gosh, I want to shower. But like, my eyes hurt so bad, I just have to lay here and just sleep. Like, just. That kind of summarizes, Right?

Right. And Jackie, you are not alone. Billions of moms go to bed. And what it is, is like our, our brains are so noisy. Right? Because of mom brain. I don't know if you know like a lot about mom brain, but. But our brains are just so noisy and things aren't filtered out. They were filtered out before we had kids, but now we don't have that filtering system anymore, so it's so noisy. And when we go to bed, that's the first time there's actually like maybe this big a moment of silence. And that's when our brain goes into a negative cognitive spiral. Everything that is on the horizon, like our subconscious, it's all subconscious. Like we're scanning the environment and we're like, where are the threats? Where are the threats? I don't have enough money. I don't have enough help. My. I don't, I don't have my body back. I can't discipline my kids. My. All the things start to pop up and it feels like this horrendous, like life threatening game of whack a mole.

That's a good way to put it.

Okay. Because that's what it feels like. Wait, we. No matter what, right. You know, things keep popping up. So what do you want it to be? Like, if it could change? Like, and I know that question is, will it ever be different? That's one of the themes, isn't it, in those movies? When will this change? When will this be different?

Yes.

Okay. What does different look like for you?

That's a great question. I think I've been. I think I've had moments where I try to envision that, but I just, I. I'M having such a hard time, like, in any, like, beyond what it is right. Right now. Because I guess I feel like, like, well, how the heck am I going to get out of this kind of like, hole that I feel like I'm in to where I'm like, it's almost like trying to think of my situation being any different is like, too far fetched for me to where it doesn't feel like, either believable or attainable. So it's like I even just try to envision, like the kitchen being clean, like where there's not piles of stuff all over the counters. But it's like I almost can't even get there because I'm like, how am I. I can barely clean off one pile in a day.

It feels like.

So I'm having such a hard time, like, even get, like, getting there to where I don't know how to. It's like I almost feel like I don't know how to do that. If that makes sense.

That. Yeah, it makes total sense, Jackie. And how is one of the most excruciating questions we ask ourselves. Because when it comes down to it, it's not always about how everyone always thinks. If I just knew how, I would. How. How do you lose weight? How do you lose weight? Like, give it to me, like, as like science of it. How do you lose weight?

I feel like I should know that because I've been losing weight, actually.

Okay, but like, the body, like, energy in, energy out. Like, how do you lose weight? Less calories in, more calories out. Like, if you literally got down to a math equation, okay, we could throw in all the hormones in the day, we can throw in that. But when it comes down to it, it's eat less, burn more calories. Okay? People know how, so why do we still struggle? I want you to understand this. Around everything in your life, around the kids, around your home, around this relationship with your ex, around the relationship with yourself. How feels so hard because we can't come up with the answer. Yeah, yeah. What if you didn't have to know how. What would it feel like to just like, if you knew, if you knew that, oh, in 18 months this will be my life. And someone like, showed you a movie of it. Like, oh, I went, I went forward in time and I took a video of you. Check out this video. And you're like, what if you had evidence that that would be your life? Because now you can't even imagine it.

Yeah.

So let's just play pretend. And I went forward in Time. And I took a video of you 18 months from now. And you are. You're hot and sexy. And that ex is, like, laughable. Like, you're laughing at. At him and that whole chapter of your life. Like, oh, my God, thank God that's in the past. But what came out of it. Look at me. Look at where I'm living. Look at this environment. Look at how beautiful this is. Look at the confidence. Look at my kids, how they honor, they respect. And I took a video of you, and I came back now and I said, look at this video I took of you. How would that feel right now? I want you to imagine I'm showing you this video.

Very relieving. Like, I just, like, feel that big sigh of relief that I just said. Just very.

I saw your shoulders drop.

Yeah. I, like, I just felt me go from here to here. It would definitely, I feel like, help me not be so worried and stressed about the. Some of the mundane things or the. Just the. The such minor things that really, at the end of the day, aren't that big of a deal that I'm making a big.

My girl mom's major in the minors. It's the minor things that want us to run our car off the cliff. It's the minor things that want us to run away from home. And we're like, wait, no, I can't run away from home. Where do I go? Like, it's the minor things. We can handle the major things, but it's the little things that build up over time. It's like death by a thousand cuts. And this is what you're dealing with. So when you talk about the mundane, understand that's just your brain saying, this is my reality and I can't escape from it. But remember that video I showed you? Yeah. So when you think. When you look around and you think, this is my life right now.

How.

Does that feel in your body?

Feel?

Very.

Just like. Like calm, peaceful. Like.

Like the 18 months from now. That's my life. Okay.

Like, I don't know. Just. I. I don't know how to explain it, but something, like, right here just, like, shifted slightly to where, like. I really don't know how to describe it. I wish I had the words to like, describe what I just, like, felt like, but I guess it was like that shift of energy from maybe, like, tightness to just, like. Like that. I feel like that's the best way to describe this to this. Like, Right.

I think it's from, like, closed to open. Yeah.

Yeah.

And what you're describing is what hope feels like.

That's really good.

What you've been going through is not a loss of energy. It's not a loss of discipline. It's not a loss of. Of willpower. It's a loss of hope. And, yeah, it is.

Yes, it is.

That's. How does that feel when you think about that?

Really good, because that totally resonates, but also, like, in a way heavy. Like, wow. Like, that's what it is. And that makes sense as to why I'm having such a hard time dreaming or visioning things, like, till the next day, because the. That hope has been really diminished for a while.

When did you first feel that hope being diminished?

I'd say overall, probably, like, over a year ago. I feel like it was like, last April, because that's the time when we. I'm trying to figure out how to keep it brief and summarize, but when.

I want you to, I want. Don't worry about brevity. I want you to bring me to the most painful point. If you can go there, I want you to go there.

Most painful point was probably when in the midst of last summer when we were living homeless on the streets in la, in California, and having nothing except what we could carry with, like, and I was in my third trimester, pregnant with my toddler also, and trying so hard to believe we're following God, to trust my husband at the time that we were doing what he was being led to do or whatever, but, like, just feeling at such a loss because I'm like, how is this. Is this what my life is supposed to be like? And just going from not necessarily having it all, but, you know, living fine, like, having all of our needs met to then feeling like basically nothing and now trying to get back to, like. I. I guess that in that time, that's where I just, like, I felt like my dreams were just crushed because I thought, well, how the heck if I'm living on the streets? I, like, don't have a phone. Like, I don't have money. Like, I don't. We have almonds for our meal today, which, praise the Lord, it's better than nothing. But I'm like, how do I dream about having a house or building our family or I was forced to stop my coaching business that I was helping so many other women in? Like, how do I have a dream about helping other women when I'm not even helping my kids or myself? Like, that.

That time I'm, like, so hot.

Because it's just, like, I think that Was like my darkest time where it just, yeah. Felt like the hopes and dreams were just like plummeted, buried into a hole.

The. The Holy Spirit is. Is showing me something about that time when there was one moment when you looked at your toddler and a thought came to you about the pain that your toddler was going through. I don't know what that is, but I'm seeing it in the spirit and if you would open up and share that moment with me. Yeah.

So the particular moment that just came to my mind was a day where we. I don't think we had eaten anything. We didn't have anywhere to stay that night. We were gonna sleep in a park unless something miraculous otherwise happened. And I remember basically like begging my husband to go figure out a way to get us a meal or to get my son a meal or something. And then it. It turned into. He was telling us we were fasting that day, but it was like, it was probably like 90 degrees that day. I was, you know, third trimester pregnant. We barely had had water. I could tell my son was like dehydrate. And you could just. You could just tell he just wasn't feeling right. He kept telling, he's like, mommy, I'm hungry, Mommy, I'm hungry. Mommy, my hungry. And I just, like, I remember at one point I broke down because I'm like, this is like, how am I standing here when, like, we can figure out a way to go get food or something? And my. My child's telling me how hungry they are. We don't have food. I don't have snacks for him. I don't have anything for him to eat. I barely have water for him. And he threw up also because he was like so dehydrated. And I was just, I remember just bawling because I just was so beside myself at how. What he was going through and what he was suffering when he didn't have to be, and that we were putting him through that as a three year old at the time when there was no reason for our 3 year old to be going through that.

How did you feel about yourself as a mom at that moment?

Absolutely horrible.

Tell me about it.

Pretty. I would say pretty close to hating myself, but trying so hard to not say that I hated myself because I was trying to, you know, I was battling, trying to remember the power of words, but also just totally hating myself. And.

It's okay.

Just hating the fact that we were.

Putting.

Our son through that and just. I don't. I'm. I'm trying I'm having a hard time finding the words on how I felt about myself other than just really hating myself. And I remember even thinking so many times that I hated who I had become for so many reasons, but that being one of them. That I felt like I could barely even provide war to my three year old son.

Yeah, yeah, I see his face. Yeah, it's dirty and yeah, he's looking at you and you. And you have nothing to offer him. Yeah, yeah.

And he just keeps asking over and over. And you know, it was just such, it was like such a mixture of sadness and anger. Like not only anger for myself, but anger toward my husband, anger toward God. I was gonna say something else, but.

That just in each, each Mommy, I'm hungry is like another dagger.

Yes, 100% to where it's just like. And part of me almost wanted. I didn't because it wasn't his fault whatsoever. But I almost wanted to just be like, stop at like, stop telling me like, I know, like, because it was just like, just like you said, a dagger just here, here, here, here, just kept bringing me down. But I'm like, I can't. I'm not mad at him. Like it's not his fault, but it was just like, just that constant reminder over and over and over and I just.

Yeah, Yeah, that's. No, thank you. Yeah, thank you for sharing that with me because I saw that. Yeah, God showed that to me and it was a very painful place for you, but he showed that to me as he does often because he is saying I was there. Yeah, yeah. And I've got something for her. In his word, it says, hope does not disappoint. So we're gonna, we're not gonna battle your house. That's easy. I could come there in 10 minutes, we get the whole thing decluttered magically. Right? And I'm. And, and I can help you with your children. We can get them disciplined. But the thing that is critical right now is hope. That is the critical thing. Because a mom, the mom heart, has unlimited capacity for love. Like, did you notice that when you became a mom, all of a sudden you loved so much it was painful. You never loved like that before. You would in a heartbeat lay your life down for that child without a thought. Immense capacity for love. But with that also comes immense capacity for hate. And that hate mostly is self directed.

And I don't, I don't know if I've ever thought of it like that before. That's so true though.

I said, cause I love my son. So much I hate myself right now.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's really good. Because I just feel it's like this unsaid standard or expectation that I hold myself to. To where if I'm not, you know, meeting that or doing it a certain way, then. Yeah, like you said, it just can so easily spiral into hate. Yeah.

I mean. I mean, failure is like a mom's theme song. Yeah. We play it every day. We know the lyrics by heart, and we play it over and over and over again because we think it's going to change us, but it doesn't change us. Failure makes us close. Just like you said. Turning from this closed to open. What if you could stay open?

That would be beautiful.

I just saw you take a deep breath.

Yeah.

That feeling of open is what hope feels like.

Yeah.

And in the Bible even talks about being a prisoner of hope. Now, you talked about, like, how your home feels like prison. Of course, when you were homeless, it felt like a prison. You couldn't get out of it. And the thing is, when we're in a prison, we're always trying to think of how do I get out of this? How do I get the house decluttered? How do I feed my children? How do I pay the bills? How do I lose the weight? How do I mend this marriage? And we come up empty. But I want you to change the how, because have we really, like, has that ever helped us? Do you. Do you have any evidence that driving yourself crazy with I gotta figure out how has ever worked for you?

Cannot say. I can think of one.

Okay. Okay. So we're gonna take that theme of how and we're gonna turn into hope. Okay? We're gonna restore that hope. Because when you have hope, everything starts to work out for you. It's like the Bible says, says, blessings, chase me down when I have hope. Now I'm a prisoner, but I'm a prisoner of hope. That's what Paul called it, a prisoner of hope. It means I hold the key and I've thrown it away because I don't want to move from this spot that feels so open. And the world can try to pull me out. It can try to say, look at what a horrible housekeeper you are. You're a horrible mom. The way you yell at your kids. You. You. You're horrible with money. Look at how much you've wasted. And it will try to pull you out of that hope, and we can move out of it. But when. When the Bible says become a prisoner of hope, it's, I'm Gonna wait. Work so hard not to figure out how, but how to stay in this hope. Yeah. Yeah. So that when the evidence comes in that we're failing, we. We. It. The Bible calls it to stand. Having done all. You know what? I've done all, I can't figure out how.

Right.

Having done all, I stand. And I'm going to stand in hope. So I want you to imagine, go back to that video.

10.

Tell me what you looked like.

Like a baddie.

Yeah, like a baddie. Tell me about her. What does she look like?

Definitely I don't have the extra, like, flab hanging from my arm.

Yeah.

All right.

The flab free baddie. Let's go. What else?

Maybe not the, like, little mom pooch anymore. Okay. But I, like, you know, I just. I see myself, like, I've accepted, like, my curvaceous body, but with, like, not all skinny and small, but, like, I just look healthy. I look fit. I feel energized.

Yeah.

I have some tone ness, maybe so. Yeah.

And what is this baddie doing? Like, I. Like, I took a video of you. You're in. You're in your home. Tell me about your home. Tell me about your kids. Tell me what you saw in that video.

Energy keeps coming up.

Yeah, Energy.

Lively, alive energy. Just full of joy. Dancing around. I've started doing that more recently. I'm really tapping back into that. But, like, just dancing around, having just a blast with the kids. I just feel like I see a mixture of me, like, playing, interacting with the kids, but also, like, mopping the floor while dancing. So, like, just going around, like, with ease.

Ease is ease.

Doing everything with ease. Yeah.

Yeah. Energy, ease, fun. Does that pretty much wrap it up?

I think so. And. Well, and I just. I also had, like, a glimpse of me in the gym, just, like, pumping weights, because that's what I've been doing, like, for some of my workouts. Just, like, with not massive weights, but a good amount. Just.

I feel like there's a lioness coming out.

I feel that. I feel that.

Do you think it's your season or are you going to stay where you are?

I'm gonna say it's my season because.

Okay. Because tell me what happens when you stay where you are. Tell me. Tell me about that life. Nothing changes.

That's kind of depressing.

Yeah.

Because then to me, that.

Just.

I mean, that could mean a few different things, but I feel like it's.

I don't know.

I guess what comes up is that, like, if I'm staying exactly where I'M at like a year from now or like 18 months from now, then to me, that. What I feel like it would mean for me that I haven't done enough or haven't tried enough to get myself to move forward. Not that I have to be like. Not that everything is like, okay, I'm.

Going to call you on something. Okay. Okay.

Please.

The Halbrane. The Hal. Brain's coming out. Okay. Do you see that? If I'm in this same place, then I haven't figured out how to get out. Did you catch it now?

I did.

Okay. Now you will stay in that same place with the same hell struggle if we don't renew your hope. Hope is 1000 times more powerful than how. Yes.

Yes.

And that's your go to. Yeah.

Yeah.

Now you can try to change it again. Let me go back to. Do you have any evidence that that has worked for you?

The how?

Yeah. No. Okay. All right, so let's. What do you say? Let's just abandon that. Yes. When. When our brain starts to go to that, we can. We can look at it. We're like, oh, you know what? Tried it.

Just kidding.

Yeah. I went to a restaurant one time and tried the turkey burger. And it was the worst turkey burger I've ever had in my life. And I remembered, if I ever go back there, I will never eat that turkey burger again. It was. It tasted like. It needed, like, a thousand spices. It was horrible. When you go to the how, what you're saying is like, I hated the turkey burger and I'll order it again. Is that okay with you? Not really. Okay, so in order to change this, I'm going to get really specific with you because I got to make it practical. Yeah. Yeah. The only thing that will change this is restoring the hope. The hell hasn't worked. So 18 months from now, do you want to see yourself here in this house surrounded with this clutter, the messy kitchen, the kids being disobedient. You're so frustrated, your body's flabby. Do you want that? Are you sure?

Yes.

You got to. You got to convince me. Do you want that?

No, because I'm. I'm tired of. I'm tired of the clutter.

I'm.

I just. I'm tired of feeling defeated. I'm feeling defeated with what feels like should be so easy or what feels like should. Should be. I'm shitting on.

You're shooting all over yourself. Yes. But let me tell you, it should like, it should be easy, which is every mom's belief. This should Be. How hard is it to just fold a load of laundry, right? This shouldn't be that hard. Says every single mom in the whole history of ever. But what has happened is we forgot how we process information, how we think. We forget about cognitive fatigue, which we're exhausted mentally. And then we forget that we have this luxurious indulgence of self deprecation. We love hating on ourselves. So I want you to imagine whenever you go to that spot, I should be different. You're not just eating those turkey burgers. You're like, you're like, shoving them in your face. It's like oozing down your neck, getting stuck in your clothes, and you're like, feed me more. Feed me more. It's gluttony, but it's, it's soul gluttony. I'm gonna let my mind feast on everything that's dragging me down. You know, the how does not work. But you are the only one who can stop what going to that place. Because you have to imprison yourself in hope.

That's really good.

Hope will restore in three days. What you trying to figure out how. Cannot do in three years.

That's so good. And that's really, really good.

Okay, Jackie, you know what hope feels like? You even said like something opened. Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. What if we could stay here? Open.

So I'm going to be honest and just tell you what just comes up for me. Yeah, I think there's fear there.

Tell me about that fear.

Being afraid to hope or dream again, of course, because I've gotten, I got so far from it, and things went what felt like the opposite way. My goals and dreams in, like, every area of my life to where, yeah, praise God, I'm where I'm at now compared to looking back a year ago, such as the example I just shared.

A few minutes ago.

But at the same time, like, am I, when I think back to when I set goals, what, a year and.

A half, almost two years ago now.

Am I even remotely close to any of those goals?

Maybe my.

I, I, you know, what I'll call myself out. My relationship with God, I would say, has grown tremendously. But otherwise, like, my other goals that.

I had, when I'm trying to remember.

What those were, I'm just like, like, yeah, so I guess I'm. So then my, my brain's kind of like, okay, well, like, why am I so scared to, like, try to dream again or try again? And maybe it's because, you know, I don't know if it's. And maybe It's a mixture of that I didn't reach the goals, and I feel like I went the opposite direction. So it's just discouraging. And then two, maybe it's that, like, almost like, what's the point? Because when I tried a year ago, things got totally worse. My life felt like it fell apart. So.

Can I tell you why you're so terrified?

Please do.

You're terrified to be disappointed and let down, but if you don't, you're going to be disappointed and let down by default. So we're either going to become really comfortable with the reality that is extremely below where, you know, God wants you to be, or we're going to learn how to live in hope. And we're going to. We're going to learn how to trust and keep our view of God as a loving God. Because I'm telling you, what you're talking about is a chapter, Jackie. And I'm not going to let a chapter define your whole book.

And God's been telling me to write a book.

Dang it. Okay, well, he's given me enough insight to show me other things about you. So now he's telling me this. What if it was for the book? What if you have to walk through this valley so other people don't have to? What if you had to go through a storm so other people can avoid it? Because you either make something out of this or before you stay in the valley and we walk through the valley, we don't camp out there.

Oh, that's really good.

So what is it going to be? Are you going to stay in the place where I'm going to figure out how are you going to learn how to imprison yourself in this place of hope where you're like, I don't care what. What the laundry saying or what the kids are saying or what my ex is saying or what my mom is saying or what I'm trying to say to myself. I'm going to go to that place where I know. I saw the video. I know what my life could be like. I know who that fierce baddie is, and she's in me. She just needs permission to come out. How does that feel?

Oh, really empowering.

So what choice are you going to make? Because. Because the thing is, life can change in a moment when we make the right choice. What is your choice?

To unleash that lioness, that baddie.

Okay, so what are you going to do when you feel like crap and you want to hate on yourself? You tell me. Because we either we either make this work or we just go ahead and give up and we say, no, this is just my life. We have to have an action plan. What am I in the action plan? Not what do I do, but what do I believe? What are you going to believe when all the shiz come down on you, what are you going to believe?

I think that's where I feel. Feel stuck right there. It's like I want so bad to hold on the hope, but it's like, what do I need to be believing?

What if it's already done? There's a version of you that is exactly how you described. And she really wants to live. You are the only one who can determine if she lives or not. And you can only determine that by where you set it, energy, where your mind goes. You're going to believe that when Jesus said, it's finished, it's finished and it's done. And I'm walking in that direction and I'm excited about it. And with every breath I take, my moving forward and every positive thing I say about myself and with every ounce of worship in me, I am breathing more life into her or I'm going to choose to stay here. What is the choice you're going to make today?

Breathing life into her.

Then breathe it right now.

I was literally just about to say, so what comes up for me is being that person right now.

Okay, how does that feel?

A mixture of excitement while also being nervous because, I guess nervous of, like, that I can just so easily choose to be that person. And like, like.

What if it, what if it's easy, though?

And I think it is. It is, but.

Okay, so here's the battle. If it's easy, why is it so hard right now?

That's what I'm trying to.

Okay, let me, let me explain something to you. Spiritual battle looks easy on the outside and it is a hundred times harder on the inside. You can become. That's why it says do. Do not grow weary and well doing. Yeah, we don't grow weary and well doing. We can always pump a little more energy and like, finish washing the dishes. Where we grow weary is weary. Well, thinking well, believing, that's what is more exhausting. So, yeah, be nervous, but know that that nervous energy is just trying to fight on the wrong side.

Really, really good. That is so powerful. So powerful.

Oh, my gosh.

That'S so good.

Can you be her now?

Yes.

You gotta make me believe it.

I. Well, so what's. What's playing in my head is like my excitement and joy for, like, how it's not only gonna affect me, but my kids.

Yes.

And, like, because of. Not that I'm like this all the time, but so much of the moments of, like, oh, Lord, I'm so frustrated. Oh, like, why can't it just be like I all of a sudden get silly or goofy and, like, make them laugh and, like, so easily snap out of it, like I've done in some other brief moments. But, like, that just, like, seeing the smiles on their face, seeing them laugh, hearing them laugh, me laughing, dancing around with them. How much joy just, like. Just, like, is filling me up already. And I feel like it's just, like flooding our home. Like. Yes, that's what's playing in my head right now.

Okay, so that's. We're gonna keep playing. You're going to be a prisoner of that hope. Because when it comes down to it, a mom will do an ounce for herself and a pound for her children. You're not just doing this for you. You're doing this so your kids have a memory of their mom when she stepped back into power and authority.

That's so good.

And it's going to make a way for them to do the same. When they walk through storms, they're going to remember, my mom did it. I can do this. Can you give them that gift?

Yes. Yes. And can. Can I. I feel led to share. Can I share something?

Yes.

Around this. So just the other night, I think it was maybe like a week or so ago. My son like it, so I know. You know, I never know what's always playing in his head, but I know stuff. He's still thinking on stuff because he'll randomly tell me about something he remembers about his dad or when we were in California or something. I was like, oh, my gosh. He's, like, definitely still thinking about things. So he. He all of a sudden told me one night. He's like, mommy, I remember when you and daddy just, like, were yelling at each other all the time and just arguing and just mad. And I just, like, started replaying so many scenarios in my head. And so that just. That just came up for me, I think because of how much I don't want him thinking on that more than, like, yeah, during the joyful moments and how much, like, when I'm thinking about it. I don't want all of these frustrating moments I'm having, especially, like, with behaviors or something like him to then flood his mind with, like, me looking frustrated or that taking him back to the right, like, me, his dad, and Stuff how much I would love for him to be dwelling more on the laughter and the joy and making him laugh, like, and.

Right. But he has to process it, right?

Yeah.

Our children know way more than we think they know. They're way more intuitive. And the thing is, instead of wanting him to be rid of that, you need to now partner with him in processing it. So it could be like, oh, I remember that too. That was such a hard time. That was a hard time, wasn't it? And give him permission to share that. Because remember, he's looking at you. Right.

Right.

He's looking to model you. Coming out of a place that felt overwhelming and stepping into a place of abundance. And part of that process means I have to work through the pain. He's working through that pain, but you gotta give him that place of safety.

That's really good.

So look back and you can say, yeah, it was painful, but we're not there. Yeah.

Look at where we're at now.

Look at where we're at and look at where we're going.

Yes. Yes. Oh, that's so good. Ooh, major chills. Oh, that's so good. So good.

And it's just the one word. Hope. It's time for hope to be restored. Yes. Praise God. How do you feel?

So freaking good. And, like, there's just. Oh, my gosh. And there's just so much alignment from. I feel like things that God's been bringing up or showing me the last, just few days. And, like, even. Oh, my gosh, there's so much I want to share with, like, the alignment stuff. But.

Okay, so now that's just evidence that he's already made a way for you where there is no way. You don't have to figure out how to get there.

Right.

Hope gets you there. So stay in that place. And that you're not just gonna, like, like, like, maybe set up a tent. You are building your life in the place of hope. Can you see that?

Well, what.

Yes.

And what. What comes up for me is the word anchor has. He's been highlighting that to me a lot. And so I keep thinking anchor to hope. Like, anchor to hope. Anchor to hope. That's what keeps. So I, like, literally, I'm going to put this somewhere. I don't know where yet, but I need to write, like, hope or anchor onto hope or something to where maybe.

Get a necklace that just has an anchor on it, and all you have to do is touch it to remember you. So that's just a way to, like, help that belief go into your psyche. Touch it. Go back to that place where you told me ease, fun, joy, freedom upon all those places.

That's that. My son just broke a necklace I was wearing, and I was thinking, like.

Oh, you need another one? Yep. Awesome. Praise God. Jackie, thank you so much for just being raw and real and doing this. I'm so, so excited for you.

Thank you for having me. This was so.

Oh, my gosh.

This was so good.

Yes. Love you, girl.

I love you, too.