How to Break Free from Mom Shame

Hey there, mama. Have you ever lied in bed at the end of the day, just replaying all the things you did wrong, all the failures, all the ways you didn't meet the mark, whatever that was. Well, we're just going to call it what it is. It's mom shame. And in today's episode, we're just going to unpack it. We're going to find out how shame hijacks the mom brain. And I'm also going to give you five questions that's going to help you break free of mom shame once and for all.

Welcome to the Hannah Keeley show, where America's number one mom coach dishes out bold truth, brain hacks, and holy spirit fire to help you ditch the chaos and send anxiety running back to hell with its hair on fire. Every week, Hannah keeps it real, from breakdowns to breakthroughs and everything in between. So if you're ready to transform your life, your family, and your future, you're in the right place. Cause this is where faith gets years and moms get free. Come on, let's get this party started.

All right, guys. Mom shame is brutal. And I think at one time or another, we've all been through it. It's the replaying of all the things you did wrong. It's. It's diminishing everything you did right. Like, we don't focus on that. We don't pay any attention to the. To the ways we did come through, to how we did show up. We. What we did do right, we just diminish all that. We make it so small. We don't focus on it. What we focus on is all the things we did wrong. Now, this is just the mom brain in action. But what it leads to is mom shame. And shame will hijack your brain, and it's going to hijack your life. I really want to unpack that today because shame, actually you can measure emotion if you like. We're able to measure the electro frequencies coming out of you in regards to your energy and your emotion, which you can do. Shame is actually the lowest emotion you can feel. Now, why would the enemy want you to feel shame? First of all, as a mom, you are the most powerful, influential force in your family. You know that. You're the thermostat. You. You set the trajectory. You. You are in charge of the. Of your family and your home. And a lot is riding on you. So because of your power and because of your influence, the enemy is always going to try to block you in some way. And the easiest way is to twist that mom brain you have, and to help you focus on everything you do wrong so that you eventually play so small, you make no influence at all. Now, if you've been with me for more than five minutes, you know all about mom brain, and you know that one of the side effects of, of having mom brain is a negative cognitive bias. Now, that means we have this negative filter over everything. Now, that's not necessarily bad, it's just what happens. Why we do that is because our brain changes. And now instead of keeping yourself safe, now you have to keep your children safe. And so that means your awareness is just heightened right now. You notice everything wrong. Now there's fear around every corner. I don't know if you've noticed this, but the things you imagined, the negative things you imagined before you became a mom and after you became a mom, are dramatically different. After you become a mom, your brain can, like, magnify the most horrific experiences. Even if you've never had that experience, you've never come close to that experience. It will create it in your mind and you will feel the same way. How I feel if my child falls off a cliff, how I feel if the car goes careening into the ocean, how I feel if like, like all of these, like, images come to our mind and they will cause the exact same physiological response as if it actually happened. Now, this is the way your brain is programmed to make sure your filter is. Is down, your radar is up, and you're always aware of Indy, any impending doom, any danger, any risk in your environment so you can keep your children safe. Good, because it helps you just. Just be more aware of risk and keep them safe. But bad, because it can lead to mom shame and hijack your life. Now, mom shame is when it becomes so big in your mind, all you can focus on is all the things you're doing wrong, all the ways you're failing, all the ways you're putting your kids at risk, all the things that. That are not enough in your life. Now, I believe every mom at one time or another has felt this. So we're really gonna. Gonna see what it looks like, okay? Because I want this to be so practical for you. I want, after you listen or watch this episode of the Hannah Keeley Show, I want mom shame to be so easily recognizable, you're able to grasp it and just like the Bible says, to bring all imaginations under the authority of Christ, so we're able to. To grab hold of that thought, gr. That mom shame, and get it out of our head so that we can Live a full, abundant, happy life. The Bible says that we are to take every thought captive. So if we don't even know that the thought is there, we can't take it captive. Or we can know the thought is there, but we don't know how to take it captive. So I'm going to show you all of that. We're going to break it all down. You're going to be transformed. You're going to have the whole toolkit to battle mom shame after this episode. So what it looks like. It looks like comparison. They're doing everything right. I'm doing everything wrong. It looks like you lying in bed replaying all the ways you're failing, all the risks that could be happening. It could be financial problems. It could be physical issues. It could be, you know, something happening to one of your kids. And we replay that mostly in the evening because that's the first time that our brain actually has any space to hold thought right before we're just reacting, right? Because our lives are so routine, divergent. We're always having to respond quickly to things in our lives. Most moms. But at night, when the house gets quiet, that's when our brain develops space. And now it can start to replay all these things. Have you ever noticed that, like, sometimes you. Or maybe you're so exhausted you just collapse at night, but then you wake up, like, three hours later and like, oh, my gosh, this is wrong. And we're going to be broke and living under a bridge, and my child's going to get this disease, and my marriage is going to be destroyed. Like, all these things start happening. Okay, that's just mom shame and overdrive. That's the mom brain with that negative cognitive bias, having a little too much room in the playground to play. So we need to. We need to, like, take it captive. And here's how we're going to do it. Now, what else does it look like? So it looks like comparison. It looks like the replays. It also looks like over apologizing, oh, I'm so sorry. Like, before you even know that you did anything wrong, it's, oh, I'm so sorry. Like, constantly, you feel like you are always living in this state of, I'm doing something wrong, and so you will preemptively apologize for something that you had no, no part in. Does that make sense? Like that? Over apologizing, it also looks like paralysis. We get frozen. We're so afraid that we're going to do something wrong. We do nothing. Okay. And one more thing. It looks like Inverted pride, when you think about it, shame. I'm going to do a little mic drop moment here for you. Shame is actually pride. That's been inverted. So it's over. Emphasis on yourself. Think about it. When you're feeling shame, you're focused 100% on you. It's negative. That's why it's inverted. But it's still pride. Pride is just an overemphasis on self. So whether it's, look at me, I'm awesome, or look at me, I'm failing, either way, it's pride. So when we learn how to overcome mom shame, we. We're actually learning how to overcome pride, which is so powerful because we know that pride goes before destruction, and none of us want to have destruction in our life. That's why shame is so rampant, because we want to avoid the destruction. So we're going to avoid that destruction by understanding we're going to get pride out of our life. Shame is going to dissipate and we're going to finally be free. Now, why shame is so destructive? Because just like I said, it paralyzes you. You can't move. You get so scared of doing something wrong, you do nothing right. So one thing goes wrong, we focus on it, and that leads us to diminish our energy. We don't show up as well for the next thing. And of course, we fail at that. And then it starts this cycle of failure, which is this cycle of negativity. And before long, we're at such a low point, we feel like there's no hope. Well, there is hope because the Bible says there's always hope. It even says in Proverbs that hope does not disappoint. So true hope, that's our anchor. So right now, I want you to know that there is hope. Hope is your anchor. Hope is what faith feels like. So I believe that you're listening to this or watching this right now because God wants to breathe a fresh, fresh oxygen into your life. He wants to give you a renewed spirit. He wants to get that fresh fire stoked in you so that you really do rise up to your potential. He gave you that family on purpose. And so now we need to know how to activate his promises in our life so we can live in that abundance and that freedom. And we're not so riddled by shame because it is very destructive. It not only causes that negative spiral, but that will eventually lead to burnout. We. We get so exhausted. Have you ever just thought for a minute how exhausting shame is? All the. All the Emotion, all the things that you're. You're being too careful about. I remember every time I would travel, my sweet mama, she would always say, okay, well, be careful. And I would say, no, Mama, I'm not going to be careful. And she's like, hannah, what are you talking about? She would get so mad. I was like, no, I'm not going to be careful because I have cast all my cares upon him. I am not full of care. I am care free. And she's like, hannah, you know what I'm talking about. I'm like, and you know what I'm talking about, Mama. And so this is what I'm talking to you about today. How do we live that carefree life? Because you can't live a carefree life and then hold shame because you're so focused on yourself, you can't live with freedom. So we're going to understand how to break this down, okay? It's very important to understand that, first of all, it's not our fault, okay? When we're holding mom shame, when we are in that negative cognitive bias, when we're spiraling, when we feel paralyzed, when we're over apologizing, when we're riddled with stress, especially in the evening, it's not your fault. It's your brain, okay? With. When your brain changes, when you become a mom, there's good and bad, just like everything in life, right? There's like a piece of paper, just. Just like a door, just like. Just like a book. There's. There's two sides to everything. So when a challenge comes into your life, there's always a good side. What is going to make you become. But there's always a bad side. What. How it can make you react. So when we're talking about mom shame, I want you to understand that this could be the perfect time for you to understand it and move through it, okay? This is not like your fault. This is not this. Like, I remember I was. I was coaching this one mom, and she had so much mom shame. And then I was helping her understand that if she doesn't learn to break free of this, that is going to be passed down to her children. She's going to set up her children for, you know, negativity in life and stress and anxiety and overwhelm and all that. Because of course, whatever we don't terminate in our life, we replicate. And all of a sudden, she just got this change in expression and she got so upset. She's like, oh, my gosh, I feel so bad. I'm Passing this down to my children. I was like, let me show you what your brain just did, sweetheart. Let me. Let me show you this. You just took shame, and now instead of breaking free from it, you made shame around shame. You became shameful. That you're holding shame like that, that's like. That's like a new level, right? That's like. That's like, mom, shame 2.0. Why don't we just break free of that and we don't have to let condemnation to come on the journey with us, okay? There's now no condemnation in Christ. That's what we're taught from the Bible. There's no condemnation now. If we hold condemnation, we can't hold freedom. There's no way. But whom the Son has set free is free indeed. So it's time for us to be free indeed and get rid of this condemnation around shame. So, number one, we're not going to lay shame on top of shame. Okay? I call it a shame blanket. When something's going wrong in your life and when you're. When you feel like you're failing in some area or if you've done something wrong, we'll try to hide it. And we put a shame blanket over it. So now we just really. Instead of hiding it or lessening its effect, we've now just made it worse and bigger and scarier and added more elements of destruction to it. So we're going to get rid of the shame blanket around shame, and we're just going to look at it for what it is. But my brain has responded to my role as a mom. Is that okay? Can we just, like, hold that idea? Like, no judgment? My brain just responded. That's all it did. Now I can either be trapped by it or I can do something about it. Now that's what we're going to go into. I want to show you there are five questions that we can ask ourselves that's going to help us move out of shame. Because I believe that you get better results when you start asking better questions. Instead of, what's wrong with me? Or why am I always failing? Or what, how did I screw up again? Are those really powerful questions? No, they're not going to leave you with any type of revelation. They're not going to help you with any type of transformation. They're just going to keep you stuck. So we're going to ask better questions. And this all goes back to Romans 12. 2. It says, do not conform to. To the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of Your mind so you can test and prove what God's will is. His good, pleasing, perfect will. God wants you to have a good, pleasing, perfect life. A life of abundance, A life of freedom, A life of joy. We can't have that and shame and condemnation at the same time. That equation just. That doesn't. That doesn't math. Okay? That math does not math. So we're gonna change that. We're gonna ask these five questions because we have to renew our mind. Now, we can conform to the pattern of this world. And that means, you know, stay stuck, stay negative, stay overwhelmed, stay stressed. You can have that. But I don't believe you're here watching this or listening to this because you want to fit in with the world. I believe you want something different. I believe you want transformation. I believe you want freedom, joy, abundance. And how we do that is we have to renew our mind. So I'm going to show you these five questions. Okay? Number one. Okay, this is actually metacognition. Metacognition is thinking about what you're thinking about. I remember my husband and I, like, when we were first married, we were dating. Whenever he'd be quiet, I would say, what are you thinking about? He would say, nothing. And I'll say, no, you're. You can't think about nothing. Like, your brain cannot think about nothing. Your brain is always holding a thought. You're just not aware of it. You're not perceiving it. Like. Like consciously. He'd be like, no, I was really thinking about nothing. So I. He's very different now. Like, I can. I will say, what do you think about? He's like, I was actually thinking about when I broke that jar last week. Did I clean up all the shards from it? Like, now he's able to be aware of that, but because we're not aware of what our. Of what our thoughts are, we stay stuck in them. Okay, so we're going to change that, and I'm going to show you a series of questions. Now, number one, what am I feeling? It's important that we start there, not, what am I thinking? Because sometimes you're not aware of it. You're just aware of your feeling. Now, feelings and thoughts are very different. Thoughts are what's going on in your head. Feelings is what's going on in your body. Okay. Thoughts are the way the brain is communicating to itself, and feelings are the way the body is communicating to the brain. So think about feelings as I feel tight, so maybe your thoughts are. I'm worried. And then how that Shows up is I feel, I feel tight, I feel like combative, I feel restrained, I feel burdened, I feel heavy, or I feel like I need to run away. These kind of feelings, what's. What you're experiencing in your body? So we have to understand what am I feeling first? How does my body feel? Do I feel energetic and light or do I feel low energy and down? Do I feel like I want to engage or do I want to hide? Do I feel tight or do I feel more loose? Like, if we understand this, then we can look at our feelings as kind of a litmus paper. Like, like a test results, like feedback to see what our thoughts are. We don't always know our thoughts and actually feeling happens before the thought even occurs. Did you know that? Like, the feeling happens about seven seconds before the thought's even there in your mind? Your body intuitively knows your body has this like immense supernatural energy wisdom that your brain kind of has to catch up with. So we have to first say, what am I feeling right now? And if you're feeling tight, if you're feeling anxious, if you're, if you're feeling like that nervousness in your stomach maybe, or your shoulders or your jaws tight, then we ask ourselves the second question. Why am I feeling this? So as soon as you can discern what you're feeling, then you can start asking questions like, why? Where did it come from? Okay, now if you're feeling tight and worried, think about, okay, I'm lying in bed replaying all the things I did wrong. I'm feeling now I'm more awake. My thoughts are racing. I feel kind of like, like the nervous tight energy running through my body, like a frenetic energy. I mean, I might feel in the pit of my stomach, I might feel like a headache or jaw tightness. Why am I feeling this? Oh, because I was thinking about that bill we couldn't pay. Or I was thinking about, you know, my. I caught my toddler at the top of the stairs and he almost like fell down, but I got him in time. Like, like we're thinking about those kinds of things. So now we've isolated the thought. Remember, we are supposed to take thoughts captive. We can't take a thought captive till we can isolate it and understand what that thought is. So that second question helps us understand. Why am I feeling this? Now that leads us to the third question. You ready for this? What do I make this mean? Now think about, okay, there's a bill we can't pay. What do I make this mean? I make it mean I'm not secure. I make it mean I'm not safe. I make it mean that I'm doomed. I make it mean that there, there are bad days ahead for me. I make it mean that I'll never have enough, that I'll never feel safe. So now we're starting to extract the meaning from the thought because it all comes down to really our perspective. You could have a bill you can't pay. It's like, okay, well, now I get to be creative and learn how to make more money, learn how to create wealth. I get a challenge in front of me. I get to rise up to the occasion. Or we can think, oh, I'm doomed. I'll never have enough. This is exactly what I was afraid of. This is just replicating the pattern. I always go broke. Like, we always have to look at the filter we put on it, the perspective. What did I make this mean? Do you see how now we're getting deeper and deeper and deeper? We're not just going to be subject to our thoughts. This is how we're going to take that thought captive. Now after we say, what do I make this mean? I make it mean I'm always going to be broke. We're never going to be financially free. We're you. I mean, go down the list. Okay. Everyone has a different filter that they put on. Everyone has a different perspective. But it usually comes down to something about not feeling safe, not feeling significant, not feeling covered and protected. Now that brings us to question number four. Is this 100% true? Now, we're not asking about the bill we can't pay because that's 100% true. But does it mean that your eyes going to be broke? Maybe not. Does it mean that you'll never feel safe? Maybe not. Does it mean that you won't be financially free? Maybe not. Doesn't mean you're going to go live under a bridge. Probably not. We have to look at it through this filter now of the word of God. Is this 100% true? Well, if I'm. I'm not safe. If I feel like I'm. I'm never going to be safe and I'm never going to be financially free. Is that 100% true? Well, the. The Bible says that he is our rock. He is our anchor. The Bible says that the blessing of the Lord makes rich and he has no sorrow to it. The Bible says that we will lend and not bor. So if we can go to God's word to really discern truth, that's why the word of God is truth because it serves as that filtering system where we can understand. I got to separate my mind from my brain. My brain is terrified. But I have the mind of Christ. Now. If I can discern the difference there, I can pull away from my brain response and pull more into the mind of Christ. And now what is that going to do for you? As soon as you can ask yourself, is this 100% true? Based upon the word of God, is this 100% true? Probably not. You just made it mean that you tracking with me. All right, so after that fourth question that's going to lead us to question number five. What could I believe? What could I believe? So let's take that same example. Now that we know that the blessing of the Lord makes rich. He is our fortress, he is our guard. He is our strong tower. Now, what could I believe? I believe that I'm safe with God. I believe that God gives me revelation knowledge. I believe that he blesses me with more than enough. I believe that whatever I need to pay this bill is rapidly on its way to to me. Because blessing chases me down. Those are some things that I can believe. And you will find as soon as you can wrap your head around that new thought, the way you feel changes dramatically. It's so powerful. So this is how. So this is how we're going to break down mom's shame. You do not have to stay in that. You do not have to stay in that paralysis that over apologizing, that fear, that stress that overwhelm, that over stimulation. You are free of that. When you can learn how to take your thoughts captive. Try this, try this today and definitely share this with another mom, you know, who might be struggling with some mom shame herself, because whom the son has set free is free indeed. But you get to play an active part in that freedom. You see, God will give you the vehicle, but you need to learn how to get on it. So take those five questions for a ride today. Try it out. See how it changes not just your mind, but how your body feels. And now when you feel more energetic, when you feel more empowered, when you feel free, that's going to make you a better mom. You're going to be able to engage. You're going to have a higher energy, you're going to have a more positive outlook. And you will achieve the life that God designed you to live. That life of freedom, joy and abundance. It's yours. It's your birthright. But you got to learn how to take it. Now, I hope this has blessed you. If it has, make sure you go to our show notes. Download all the free material. We've got tons of stuff for you. And share it, please, with another mom who may need some help today. I love you. I'm here for you and you are going to be blessed like crazy.