Before You Swipe Right: The Dating Blueprint | Ron + Hope: Unfiltered

Foreign. Hey, guys. This is our podcast. This is running Hope Unfiltered, Real, raw and relevant. And Hope is on the East Coast. I'm on the west coast right now. So she's holding things down there. I've got things here that I'm taking care of. So I'm flying solo today on the podcast. Please don't turn it because she's not here. I know she's funnier, I know she's livelier. I know she's a lot easier to look at, but the fact is I've got some really, really great information here. Again, didn't read it from a book, didn't go hunting for anything on YouTube. It has come from my experience, from a lifetime of what I've seen, and it's come from a whole lot of doing counseling. I don't do much counseling anymore, usually just with pastors in my fellowship. But as far the church in general at large, I got people much more skilled than me that do that. There was a day I did it all. And after you've been doing this as long as I have, you just have some things you can jot down that you see patterns over the years that are the things that have been true as far as your experience is concerned. And I just want to talk about the red flags to dating. And I'm not talking about dating in general. I'm not talking about, you got this, this guy, and he's good looking, he's asked you out, and y' all gonna catch a movie and grab a burger afterwards or a pizza. That's not what I'm talking about. But I'm talking about the people probably, you know, either they have already entered their occupation, their job, career, or maybe finishing up school, you know, getting in, getting their feet wet, and their first marketplace, you know, decision after schooling, maybe 26, 27, 28. On the west coast, they seem to get married a little bit later. They seem to try to get their career going first and then circle back. I know on the east coast, they seem, where I came from, especially in the south, to get married a little sooner and kind of go into their journey together instead of getting it going and circling back and getting somebody to come on board. And there's neither one that's right or wrong, but I'm probably the 25 to 30. Right in there is probably where I'm going to catch you. Certainly if you're 19, 20, 21 years old, certainly if you're 34, 35 or even, and you're dating, all these things are Applicable. But I just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes, if I can keep your attention about some myths. Some of you are dating. Some of you are dating again. You maybe didn't plan to be here. You maybe planned on what you had to be forever. Maybe you were dating and it didn't work out. Long term. Long term relationship, it didn't work out. You were engaged, it didn't work out. Hopefully not. But unfortunately we got marriages and they don't work out. And so here you are, and you don't want to repeat maybe some of the mistakes of the first time. And maybe some of you have come from so many failed relationships. You say, hey, man, I'm not doing something right, so I'm going to listen to this guy and see if he's got anything to say. I think I do. I think I do. So hang around the next few minutes and just let me tell you, I'm really talking to people who are kind of looking for the significant other. You're at that season of your life. These can be dating rules in general, but these are a little more in tune with somebody who's saying, all right, I'm ready to settle in to what am I looking for in a life partner. And I'm going to tell you some red flags and some green flags on that number one character. You didn't think I was going to say that as number one? Okay, I got a lot of say, stay with me. So I'm going to spend a little bit of time on a lot of points. I usually do two or three points and spend a lot of time, but I'm going to do a lot of points and hit them two or three minutes. Loyalty, character. A person of their word is everything. Because trust in a relationship once it's broken is a monumental task to rebuild. If you want someone you can trust, they have to be a person of character. That means they do what they think, they think what they say, they say what they mean. In other words, they are integrated. Integrity, integrate. Their thinking, their speech and their doing are integrated. They do not think this and say that. They do not say that and do this. But all three of them are integrated together. In other words, when you leave their presence, you are not worried about the decisions they will make. I could have put right there a good decision maker, because good decisions flow out of character. You want somebody where you feel safe that when they're not around you, they continue to make decisions they would make while they were with you. That's a person of character. A person that you know, when they give you their word, they're going to do everything in their power to make sure they do what they told you they would do. That's a person of character. A person that when they speak it, you can rest on it. Not to say they're not flawed, not to say they won't screw up. But fractured trust, when I say trust, that is broken because a person didn't have character, a person was unloyal, unfaithful, whatever. They were not who they said they were. They're a whole nother person. They like having a whole nother different lifestyle. When somebody does that, trust is broken so bad. And the healing from broken trust takes so long that if you don't watch out, it can just repeat itself in relationship after relationship after relationship. And you making Johnny pay for what Tommy did. And although Johnny ain't done anything, your trust has been so broken by what Tommy did, every relationship after that pays because you had a hard time getting over and get your heart healed from the distrust. Is this a person of character? Number two, you're going to have to date them. Pastor, how long should I date? Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes, I do. Because I was about the closest thing to that of anybody I know. I didn't walk away from Hope and say, you know, I'm going to marry her. But I was smitten near about immediately. I tell people she was the only girl ever. I wasn't a player, but I was not intimidated by the dating scene at all. In fact, I enjoyed it. But when I met Hope, I was scared of her because I knew she was the end of all dating. Some reason, something inside me and I wasn't very spiritual, but there's something inside me knew if I started dating her, she'd be the last girl I ever dated. Okay, so Hope and I dated three years. I advocate dating someone long enough to see them in several different seasons. You got to understand when you date somebody, you don't meet who they are. You meet their reputation, they send out their representative. When I started dating Hope, she got my best cologne, she got my best hygiene. She got the best things in my closet. She got the best ironing job I could do. She got the best of everything. That is a representation of Ron, but that is not a consistent Ron. I can't hold that standard. Every single time you see me my breath can't be good Every time that I'm around you my hair can't be perfectly combed Every time around you I can't Go to the gym and smell like I did right when I got out of the shower. That is an impossible bar to keep. So people send out their rep. That's why you need to date them long enough. What are they like when they got a stomach bug? What are, you know, what is she like when she's having her monthly cycle? What are they like when they're under stress? What are they like when they're tired? What are they like when they have a lot of money? What are they like when they don't have any money? Okay. What are they like when they're by themselves? What are they like when they're around their parents? What are they like when they're around your in laws? You need to date long enough to see this person that you say is a potential life partner. Function in several different seasons in several different settings and how they respond to several different things. Because when you first date them, they send out the best of themselves. But you need to see them when they're not the best version of themselves and say, is that someone that I can live with? Another thing you need to pay attention to, especially if you're a lady. I understand all about the feminist movement and I'm all about. My wife is co pastor with me. My wife also has a salary. My wife also works hard holding down one of our campuses while I'm holding down the campus. We're both doing the same thing. We're both in the office all day today. Okay, now, but having, say that, having said that, especially not totally, but especially if you're looking for someone particularly male who would be the breadwinner of the house. Not right now. Because when Hope met me, I had nothing. And I had nothing for a while. Okay, but do they signal, okay, do they signal the ability to bring future resources? Okay, do they talk it? Do they aspire? Are they diligent the things? Are they visionary? Do they have a plan? Are they strategic? Do they just live in the moment? Are they just, you know, I'm glad I got enough gas in my car and enough to get you a Subway sandwich? I mean. Or is there something they aspire to going forward that you look and say if we build together, then there are things within us that can bring in the resources where we can live a good life and we can provide a good home? I don't think you have to chase money. I don't think you have to be wealthy. Some of the most miserable people I've ever met are wealthy. So I don't think that's the end all in life. But it does take resources. And the lack of resources bring tremendous strain to a marriage and a relationship. I know because I did it. Okay, so do they signal. Signal the ability for future resources? Okay, another thing I want you to look at. The law of attraction gets your attention. I know a lot of people that make long term commitments out of the law of attraction. The law of attraction is not powerful enough to hold you together in tough times while you're dating. Excuse me. You got to get past the law of attraction and say, do you have the law of compatibility? The law of compatibility. Because if you're not compatible, you will not be attracted to them very long. Okay. People that you're totally incompatible with do not remain attractive. I don't care about their looks. Some of the most beautiful people that you know in Hollywood and entertainment have been married six or seven times. Okay? So beauty and attraction does not ensure long term relationships. All right. There has to be the law of compatibility here again. That's why I advocate dating for a certain amount of time. Because if you date a certain amount of time, you get to see a person in different seasons and understand, am I compatible with this person? If you went to my marriage conference, I have something where I talk about life seasons. Okay, let me talk about this. Life seasons. Excuse me. Life rhythms. Excuse me, I was reading the word seasons, but I meant rhythm. Life rhythms. Life rhythms. You know, a pebble in my shoe. I'm in a room now where we're taping. My office is down the hall, probably about 30 or 40 yards. Okay, I can walk 30 or 40 yards with a pebble in my shoe and I'm going to be all right. It's aggravating, but it's all right. But if I walk with a pebble in my shoe for 30 years, you know, I can take my knuckle and I can do it in your shoulder. And you're like, oh, that's uncomfortable. But if I take my knuckle and I drive it in your shoulder muscle for 10, 15, 20 years, that's an agitator. Okay? There are things which people overlook because they're so attracted to each other that signal incompatibility. Okay, You're a churchgoer. He's not. You were raised in church. The other one's not. You care about the things of God. The other person has no value for the things of God. That's something you're willing to overlook because you're so in love. I'm going to tell you that'll go stale on you real quick. You want kids, they don't want kids. There's not a good or a bad. You just have to negotiate. Are we compatible in this area? Okay, they may already have kids. You don't have kids. Are you able to blend? These things need to be talked about. These things need to be negotiated. Not after the covenant, before the covenant that you make. All right? I'm talking about agitators here. All right? You were raised dear ladies in a home with a single mother, and y' all did everything you could to survive, and your mom worked two jobs and you helped around the house, and y' all did everything you could just to make it work. And he comes from a well to do family, a wife and a mother. And dad did well and mama did well, and he's got a cohesive home and had all these extras that you didn't have. And then you come into this. You were raised strict. She had no oversight. Now you've got kids. How are you going to discipline them? Me and Hope had to deal with this. She was raised extremely strict, and then she wanted to lay off of the kids. I was raised well. My mom and dad trusted me greatly, too much. And I came in and I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to make the same mistake. I'm going to hammer down on my kids. And some of our most contentious times were in how do we discipline our children? Why? Because we had two different life rhythms. You've got to negotiate the life rhythms that are not compatible beforehand. That doesn't mean you can't reach a place of agreement and compromise. It just means you've got to do it before you tie the knot. Let me talk about some other things. Well, let me leave that. I said I was going to talk a little bit about things and not go real, real deep. Are you friends? Hope is my very, very best friend. Oh, no, she's my best bud. We do everything together. Everything. There's no one I would rather go on a trip with than Hope. There's no one I'd rather hang out with than Hope. When I get a day off, there's no one I'd rather spend it with than Hope. If I'm going to wash dishes, I'm going to wash dishes with Hope. I'm going to fold clothes. I want to fold clothes with Hope. If I'm going to go out and eat, I want to go out and eat with Hope. If we're going to sit up and watch a movie, I want to sit up and watch a movie. With Hope. She's my buddy. Can you be best friends? Best friends are created out of likenesses. You both love Mexican food. You both love Asian food. You both love action movies. Okay. You both love chick flicks. Okay. You both love the beach or you both love the mountains. Okay? You both love a certain style of music. On and on and on and on. Great friendships are created out of commonalities. Okay? Do you have great things in common that make you great friends right now? Are you also great partners? Because friendship and partnerships, the characteristics of those contradict each other. You do not need a partner because they are just like you. You need a partner because they bring to the table something you don't is the person you're looking at being a life partner with. Do they bring anything to the table? The only number that does not add anything to the equation is zero. Do not marry a zero. They have to bring something to the table. If you're the only one that's got it all going on, give them some time. You don't need to tie that knot until they've proven that they can bring some value to the table of this marriage. No relationship has ever lasted when one side is making all the investment and the other side is doing all the taking. It's just like an ATM machine. If you keep making withdrawals and you don't ever make deposits. You go one day and it says, account empty. And that's how a relationship is sucked dry, when one person's doing all the giving and one person's doing all the taking. Even Jesus one day turned around and spun on his disciples and said, unless you eat my flesh and drink my blood, you have no part with me. In other words, you're here for the healing lines. You're here to see me cast out devils. You're here for the five loaves. You're here for the two fish. You're here for the free meals. You're here for everything. But at some time or another, you got to love me back. Even Jesus said that. And so how do you think you can sustain a relationship where you're doing 90% of the output and the other person's doing 90% of the taking? That is a major, major red flag in the dating relationship, and you need to own up to it. Here again, that's getting past attraction. Don't be so attracted that you're blind to it. Be honest with yourself about it when that is raised. Now, are you a partner? All right, I want the details done. Okay. I will inspect to see if they've been done. But I don't want to do them. Hope wants to do the details. Therefore she is a great, great partner. I tend to be serious. She is very free spirited. If I didn't have that, I'd be the bornest guy in the world. And if she didn't have me, she wouldn't have any structure. So we are great, great partners. You are friends out of your commonalities. You are partners out of your differences. Isn't that interesting? Okay. I try to make money. Hope is a great spender. If she was here, I'd get hit for that one. No, she produces revenue and brings financial value to the relationship too. But we are different at the way we look money. I'm most of the investment and planning for the future. She makes sure everybody's taken care of today. She makes sure all the birthday parties are taken care of. She makes sure that everybody's got something on their anniversary. She makes sure that all our friends that we do something when they're having a special anniversary. She takes care of the today I don't even have to worry about it. She's all over it. But you know what I've done? I just got through with the insurance agents. I'm taking care of our tomorrow and out of that we've become great partners. Okay, so as I'm closing in, I only wanted this to last about 20 minutes, a little less than a half hour. These are some of the things that you know, you need to ask yourself. Okay, I could get real spiritual. I don't want to go there. I've been very, very practical in this. But these are questions that you need to know. These are questions you need to have answers for. And these are things where you need to be very, very honest with yourself. Let me tell you something. Women go into a relationship saying, mama, I can change him. Men go into a relationship scared to death they're going to change. Let me say that again. Women go into a relationship saying I see all these red flags but I'm ignoring them because I'm so attracted and I can change him. Men go into it scared out of their mind that one day she's going to change and she's not going to be the person they fell in love with. They go into a relationship with two totally different perspectives. Give yourself time to answer these questions. Be honest with yourself in these discussions and the places where the life rhythms are off. Come to a place of negotiation and if you have to, even healing before you make this relationship permanent. I hope you guys have enjoyed some of these things because I just wanted to throw this at you. I'm flying solo today, and I said I don't want to be long, but I want to be quick and I want to make you think. And hopefully this has hit somebody right where you needed it and it sparked something in you that you say, you know what? I'm going to have to go back and pay attention to this. And if you're not dating anybody, then you are armed with plenty of ammunition to make sure that when you do, you can get your questions answered and get them answered the right way. Guys, this is Ron and Hope Unfiltered, but it's without hope. It's just Ron, the more serious one today and the prettier one. We'll be back next time. I hope that you have a great, great holiday and Christmas season. And I want you to know that we love you. And if you don't have anywhere else that you can have Christmas, this Sunday's Christmas at. You can have it with us. Go to Redemption online through our website and we will all meet there together. And it's a big, wonderful virt family having church together, candlelight communion. I would love to see you there. And we'll see you again real soon. Until next time, it's running Hope Unfiltered, real raw and relevant. We love you guys.