How Do I Respond To Pain? | Ron + Hope: Unfiltered

Foreign.

Hey, everybody, this is Ron and Hope Unfiltered. And Ron is over here singing us a song, a worship song. Just keep singing.

Trying to calm you down.

No, I'm not.

You all riled up this morning? Yes, you have.

No, I haven't. You hadn't seen round up. If you think that's round up.

Maybe I've seen round.

No, I wasn't round. I was very calm. You know I was. What y' all up to today? I'm so glad you're here. Tuning in. We've got some interesting conversation today.

I am here for the sole purpose of you taking out your frustration on me.

That's why.

That's reason I exist.

Oh, Lord. But I didn't.

That's why God gave me to you.

I did.

But we're getting ready, going. We're getting ready, going. My birthday trip, my delayed birthday trip.

Take out any frustration.

No, I said, but I'm here for you.

Oh, you'll let me. You're for it. You're all for it. You're a nerd.

I said I'm here. I'm here for you.

Oh, Lord.

Now you've been on a stressful time. Tell everybody what's been going on in your life.

Well, most people probably have heard, but.

You know, post about it if they follow you on social media.

Mom had heart failure, went into the hospital, was there over 35 days, had four surgeries, two cats, one open heart surgery.

Miracles. 80 years old and come through all.

Those pacemaker put in. And she, she, of course it was difficult and it was difficult on us. My daddy can't drive, so I told him I was Driving Miss Daisy the whole time. I'd drive him there, we'd sit at the hospital.

But the worst part was really not even that. It was the separation from me that you had to endure. That's what it was for those weeks. While all that was traumatizing, I could.

Tell you were there for two weeks of it.

I was there for some of it, yeah. But you also. That wasn't the part. That wasn't the part that's got everybody frustrated. Part is you had to make a tough decision. There's the decision no kids ever want to have to make, and that was to move their mom and dad out of their house into assisted living.

When my mom went into the hospital, we didn't know. You know, they gave us a bleak report. They gave us, you know, her heart is only pumping at 30% and her.

Chances of not making it through the operation was high.

Right. So I had to make some really quick decisions for my dad because we.

Didn'T know if she'd pull through because he can't drive.

He can legally cannot drive.

See?

Can't see. So he cannot go to the grocery store. He can't go to the doctor. He can't do any of those things anymore. Which in itself has to be extremely frustrating and humbling for a man.

I think what happens is, and this ain't what this podcast about is they feel their independence slipping away, so they're. They're digging their heels in. And that has caused somewhat of a friction because you can't get people to see that you're doing things that are best for them.

Yeah, it's like children again.

You don't see that.

But anyway, tell me a little bit.

About what's been going on. We want to talk about. Basically, you came up with this topic. I was telling people we just got through with our power couples Conference, and everybody there just raves about the podcast because it's unscripted. So I always want to tell you guys, I want you to leave here with something, but we don't go and package a teaching. And sometimes when Hope throws me these topics where I know that I've prepared stuff that I could say, yeah, I am with you a little bit. Well, I got stuff to say. I have to make myself go, nope, I'm not going to be scripted. I'm going to talk out of my heart, talk out of my head sometime. But you want to talk about what I can't remember now, how to deal.

With how to unpack hurt, how to unpack pain. You know what, how do you deal when people just hurt you? And that touches everybody. What is your response? What is your biblical response? What's your natural response? You know, I think sometimes coming from people in the pulpit and we're trying to give people the right advice, you know what. What's the Bible say? And we do want to land there, but I think sometimes we make it so unrealistic, like therapy, that you're not supposed to feel pain when people hurt you, that if you do, you're doing it wrong, you're responding wrong. And that is not true. I mean, by the very nature of a relationship and the very nature of that, you love and care for somebody.

I've always said, you can't hurt me if I don't love you.

That's right.

I mean, we're not. You can, you know, maliciously attack my name. You can character, you can do all, but you can't hurt me. My, my Ron. The soul of a man. If. If I don't care about you, you have no power to hurt me. Now, when I care about you, and especially if I care enough that I love you, I'm vulnerable, right? I'm vulnerable. And so when the very definition of you've been hurt means you cared, and you know what people say? They get mad and they get in a fight. Well, I just don't care no more. Saying you don't care don't mean you don't care.

The reason you riled up is you care.

Yeah. So I want to do this unscripted. I don't want it to sound like me. And you just read a book on unpacking pain and coming out here. We have been through some stuff on that. It's been years ago. In my rearview mirror, let me say a couple of things just out of the gate. I told them at the power couple conference. They don't know it, but a lot of that was unscripted, right? And I said it took me too long to get here. I probably preached it in my 30s, but I didn't execute it until I was probably 45, 50 years old. So sometimes you can preach something before you can actually demonstrate it real well. And that is you got to know what to put back here behind you, and you got to know what to put here, because focus is everything. It's everything I have learned. I haven't perfected it, but I'm a lot further along than I was. Things that I can't change, things that I have no control over, people that I have no control over, stuff that I can't relive, stuff I can't go back and do again. Okay? You have to put it back here.

You have to, or it will drive.

You crazy, because there is nothing you can do about it.

No, not a thing. There's nothing you can do about the past but learn from it.

Nothing.

Can only learn from it.

That's what on Sunday mornings, I've been talking about it. You know, learn from your pain. Find the treasure in your pain. There's something hidden in every painful experience that you can extract and make your life better. I do preach that, but we say this, but we've got the last thing somebody did to us right here.

Yeah.

Think about it all right here. And it has all your attention. It has all your focus.

Talk about it.

I am better than I've ever been at saying, you know what? I can't do nothing about this. I can't do anything about them.

Put it behind you.

Get it right here. Have I perfected it? No. Like Paul. Not that I have attained it, but I press right and then what can I control? Put it in front of me and focus on those things. Learn from this back here. Take successes from back here. Take any victories you can take out of it here. Learn. But then focus on what is in front of you. And I'm going to tell you when you can do that. I always tell you when you can give your mind something to imagine or something to dream about. A new vision and a dream again has the power to pull you out of a painful past. Just a dream alone. People who live with their pain in front of them have never dreamed again.

Yeah. Hope is an anticipation of something to come.

Did we share that?

And hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. So if you get delay, delay delayed in pain and pain and pain and, you know, you just get stuck in that cycle of regret and nothing ever works for me. And this is terrible cycle of negativity. I mean, there's. You're going to live like that and you're going to be miserable, but you've got to have something to hope in. And that is something that it's a.

Great expectation that we share with our podcast friends. Do we share about when we were out there in Colorado doing that? I know we shared it lately, but it wasn't here, was it?

I don't think so.

I don't think it was here. Let me talk about that. When you and I were separated and then we had made the decision we were going to come together and give it a shot, you and I weren't dumb. We knew we had an uphill battle. We knew we had an uphill battle. Not everybody knows, but some days just to make it till suppertime was a monumental feat. And so one of our mentors got us on a place in Colorado. I think it's moved now, but it was at a big ranch called Blessings Ranch for a week. I think it was an entire week of therapy. And we had already been to one place. You had already been to a place for months. I had been there with you for probably a couple of weeks. I don't know. I don't remember now. And then we were going to yet another place. So now we're up in late winter, the beginning of spring.

It was January.

And so that we're five, six months. So we're four months into this and it was cold. Yeah. But I'm talking about as far as mine and your situation. It broke In October. And here we are in January. We're four months into talking about it. Talking about it, Talking about it. Give me your feelings. How did it make you feel? What are you. And I remember me and you were at the Blessings Ranch, and it was about two days of all day, you know, just regurgitating, talking.

We'd gotten into a big.

Yeah. And then me and you, finally, we were fighting again. And that's the painful thing, because me and you really don't. We are an anomaly. In fact, we have not had a lifetime of fighting. No, we don't. We just.

We're lovers.

We're not. I'm. I'm not number one. I'm not a good fighter. I don't enjoy fighting with you. Fighting with you makes me lose my confidence. And so I really work hard to create peace when I know me and you aren't in agreement. And you aren't as probably as feisty as you used to be. You used to be pretty quick. You've taken the edge off that. But we haven't. Outside of those times, we just weren't fighters, and we're still not. And we had gotten in a horrible fight. I remember me and you. I don't. I don't mean we were just mad. I mean, we were like, going back home. Like, do we even need to try this? We were hanging by three.

I think we had even said that we were like, I just don't think this is going to work. Yeah, it's too much.

And. And I would say it. And you would like, no, or maybe you would say it. And I was like. But that day, it seemed like we both were kind of. We're not going to be able to make this happen. We're not going to be able to put it back together. And so we went back. Whether it was the next day or that evening or something. Babe, I don't remember. It's foggy now. And the woman started. I remember. Nice lady. And I just looked at her about 10 minutes in. I said, I can't do this. I said, I'm done. I said, I'm just done talking about it. I'm done. We can't change it, can't do nothing about it. We can't undo it not being morbid. But the fact is this stuff has happened. We can either grieve it and go on, or we can live right here in this pain and in this fight forever. And I told. I told her. I said. I looked at you and I said, I got to go somewhere and dream. I'VE got to put my mind somewhere else. Not here. I got to go put it somewhere out here. And it wasn't that we were in the most beautiful place in the world. I mean, it was cold and frozen. Everything was iced over. But we just went out and got a cup of coffee and walked around like the coldest town on the earth that day. We saw something new and we just looked around and I just remember, we could do this. Yeah, we could. Well, you know what? I always wanted to do this. But we got busy talking about the.

Future, not the past.

We started dreaming again. And Psalm 126. When we came out of captivity, we were as those who dreamed again. Dreaming brings you out of captivity. So one of the greatest ways to unpack pain is give your mind something to think about. That excites you and gives you hope and pulls you out of the difficulty of your present circumstances. Because hope, when it comes right down to it, it's whether or not your mind will get over it. That's what it is. That's why a therapist deals with your thinking and deals with your mind and cognitively and intellectually. And they try. There is some soulish elements to it, but it's most about, where is our head? And if you can get your head to say, you know what? I've cried. It's over. I can't change it, but I can change this. Then all of a sudden, you feel yourself start to come out. And I remember that day. Was that day our savior. I don't know. It was a huge day, but it was a huge day. It was a huge day because we made a decision. Yeah, we're done talking about it.

Yeah, we made a decision that day that we were going to work really hard to put stuff behind us and to focus on the future. And I think when you're in pain, it's almost like you don't want to ruminate in it. It's not that that's your goal, but you feel like you need to be that ruminate, you know, like just get in it.

And I don't think ruminates a word. I think you have just made one up today.

I didn't.

I think she has her first. What she makes fun of me for doing. I'll tell you.

Finish.

I've never heard ruminate. But anyway, go ahead, ruminate. I'm gonna ruminate on it while you're talking. Go ahead.

You want to. You don't want to ruminate in it. You don't want to wallow in it, but you do Want to be validated. And I think you want to be heard. And so I think that's like a trap that you get in. And, like, you want somebody to understand your pain. So you want to talk a fight back, talk about it. But that is not our biblical response.

We had that the other day. Me and you had a discussion about something. Our lives are crazy right now. We had a discussion about something we need to tweak, something we need to fix. And you came to me and you were willing to do something. And I looked at you, I said, I don't need that. I said, I just need to be understood. And I said, and you gave me that. Thank you. That's fine. I moved on. I believe you're right. We want to be understood. We want that pain to be validated. It was real. It hurt. I understand how that made you feel now together.

So we're not talking about ignoring pain.

No, you can't ignore it.

You can't. You will have to deal with it. You got to appropriate it. You got to take it out. You got to put it on the table. You got to say, okay, this was valid. This was not valid. Okay. My sinful response to that pain was wrong. You know, how did I participate in being wrong? How can I move past this?

Well, I think the Bible teaches this as we're talking about unpacking pain. Be angry and do not sin. It is impossible not to feel feelings. If you don't feel feelings, that's called disassociation, and that is a. That is a mental problem.

Or you're a robot.

Yeah, it's a. That's a mental issue that needs to be dealt with. This is supposed to make you laugh. This is supposed to hurt. This is supposed to make you cry. And that is feelings. And he is touched with the feelings of our infirmities. So let me tell you. Often I tell you, when I. When somebody hurts me, when somebody disappoints me at church, when I've been let down, when somebody I've invested in has betrayed me. So what do I always tell you? I said, give me a day to flush it.

Yeah. Got to deal with it.

I got to feel those feelings. If I need a little bit of a pity party, if I got to go outside and cry a little bit, if I got to go around, be mad. If I got to go around, even woe is me. I've got to process those feelings. Then I will get back into my faith, and I'll get back into my confession. And with that, by the word of God, I will pull myself out of it. But I understand at this juncture, pain is not a sin. You have to feel it. And I have heard, I've been in some churches where don't feel grief, don't feel pain, don't feel fear, don't feel that's not reality because you've been built as an emotional being. And if I ignore my emotions, that's very unhealthy. Yeah, that's for. You have to be. That made you a rational person. You have to understand this is the way I feel. I think the Bible teaches this though, baby, where it says, be angry and don't sin. I think that can go be. You can feel fear, but don't sin. You can be scared, but don't sin. You can be hurt, but don't sin. What does it mean? Don't let the emotion drive the decision.

Yeah.

Feel it.

I think God allows us to have it. It's almost like a test to see what we will willfully choose.

Can you feel that but still do it?

Yes. Can you feel that but still operate in faith? Can you. Can you be treated like that but still respond the way that he tells us to respond? Can you be lied on and. Or judged or whatever, but respond the way you know, if somebody slaps you in the face, that's going to hurt. But how did God say you off? Yeah. And how did God say respond on the other cheek? Somebody's going to steal from you in life and do you wrong. What God to do. Are you going to want to do it initially? Is it going to be just natural? Absolutely not. But I think God allows us to feel that so that we can in turn willfully feel and choose to do the right thing.

I had a lot of people ask me, I don't mind saying it, you know, transitionally, when we expanded to California, you know, we went through some disappointments.

We did.

We went through some real disappointments there. And people come up to me all the time and say, how did you keep your mouth shut? I have people ask me that. They said, you know, all this stuff was going on, all this stuff was being said, and you just kept your mouth shut. And I'm like, oh, I didn't keep my mouth shut. You should have heard me talk to God and me. You should have heard me talk to.

God and talk to.

You should have heard me walking around the block at midnight talking to myself, talking to God. And I'm sure on the couch many a time, she had to get an earful of it. But I Would say this in unpacking pain, watch who you talk to.

So good. Yep.

Watch who I was hurting.

You have to be in a safe place.

I was so disappointed. I was angry. God can take it you as my helper. You don't. I don't need to just throw up on you, but you can take it as my helper.

It's called a safe place.

And then maybe some of those in my inner circle can take it. So ventilating the heart through the mouth is a part of unpacking pain. That's why the Bible talks about confess your faults to one another, that you may be healed.

Right.

There's a healing element to getting it out of the ventilation shaft, but you just don't spit that stuff. Confess it to who? You better. You don't confess it to the world. You confessed it to those who have proven they can hear it and still love you.

Trustworthy.

They can hear it and they can still love you. So I did feel it. I did complain. I did complain to God.

You just didn't do it on the radio station.

I didn't do it on the Internet.

Yeah.

I didn't do it on social media, and I didn't do it on the Internet and I didn't do it on live tv, you know, so, yes, I feel feelings. I'm not a robot. I don't have an S on my chest. But there's only a few people who get to see me in those negative feelings. I don't take my negative feelings in public arenas. My negative feelings are. Most of the time, I don't even bring them to you. I bring them before God. I've learned how to cast my cares upon him because he cares. He cares about what I care about.

So, number one, it's okay to have the feelings.

Number two, don't let the feelings drive the decisions. Number three, let the feelings be ventilated through the ventilation shaft of the mouth.

In a safe space.

Understanding who you're talking to and keeping it safe.

Cast your cares.

Cast your cares.

You got to know where to go. Because there's never going to be a life where we don't have pain. There's never going to be a lot I wish it was, but there's never going to be a time that we. We're not hurt.

I look into the heels from which cometh my help.

My help.

My help comes from you. Yeah, My help comes from you.

You got to know where to go.

You got to know where to go. And can I give another story? Big compliment. You gave me years ago.

I always give you compliments, Ronald.

You do, baby. You're good to me. And I'm a blessed man. I think this was back in the recession teeter tottering on bankruptcy, FBI class action lawsuit days. We got some fun times.

Yeah, just fun times.

And I remember everybody on the campus was looking for me. And they came to you, and you said, I know where he is.

He's in the sanctuary.

And I was in the sanctuary with the lights off, on my knees, weeping and praying and. And down on. On the pew before God.

Ron, anytime anything was going on, if it was with our marriage, if it was with our children, if it was in the church, a lawsuit, your daddy getting diagnosed with cancer. That's where you went. Every time you went to the sanctuary, I knew where to find you.

Why do people really not believe that works? We can preach it till our tongue falls off, but people don't really go there.

But lean not to your own understanding.

I would not have made it if I could not appeal to the presence of God when my heart was in anguish. I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people lead me to the rock that's higher.

It's higher than what I'm doing.

I'm in a low place, higher than.

What I'm thinking right now.

Take me to the rock that is at a higher place than me. And let him say, like he told John, come up hither. Because when you come up higher, you see differently. That's why the eagle sees differently. Because he comes up to a high place. Place. And when you go to the rock, there is a lifting of your spirit. And he's your glory and the lifter of your head. He even takes your countenance and say, I can go through this and smile. And there's so many things in the word of God where God is telling you, come unto me. You are weary and heavy, lamb. I'm the lifter of your head. Go to the rock that's higher than you. And people will go everywhere but.

And they go to the bar everywhere but. Go to the club. I just need a vacation. Go to.

Old habit.

I just need to get away.

Go find, you know, go find. Go find a man, go find a woman.

Go find a beach is great, but your problems are great. Yeah, but if you don't go to the source to get your strength, you're going to be in pain at the beach.

I just. Yet. The pain is not geographical. The pain is in you. So to think, you know, like Jonah, I can Go over here to Tarsus and I won't feel this. It's in him. So I can go to the beach, I can go to Vegas. I can go wherever I want to go. The fact is, the stuff that I'm dealing with is not external, it's internal.

That's right.

So it can ruin a vacation because you carried it with you. Now, let me ask you a question. Controversial. Do you think be angry and do not sin, which means across the board, feel emotions, but don't let emotions make decisions. Do you think because of the way God made us, that's harder for a woman than a man?

We're more emotional? Most definitely.

Most definitely. And I'm not suggesting. I'm asking. I'm.

I don't know. Because on the other hand, I think women being so emotional are a little bit more sensitive to the spirit side of it as well.

I think maybe they can tap into what's really going on.

Yes. So I don't know. Yes, we're more emotional than most men. Most women are more emotional than most men. Everybody's different. But at the same token, I feel like we can appropriate it and we can figure it out and we can get over things.

And when you take the God element out, let's just do that. We can't, because that's all we're about, but let's just take the God element out. Secular therapists will say it is the nature of a female to feel first act, then think. I feel.

We go by our feelings, act on.

What I feel, and then later I think about it. It is the nature of man to think, act, and the last thing he'll do is feel it, Right. It's almost flipped. It's upside down, so.

And we're told not to be led by our emotions. But as a man, if you think first, then act. If you don't have an unrenewed mind, then you're acting in sin.

I do believe what you said, though. I believe that's good. That that emotional part of a woman can be fleshly. But if she understands how to manage it, that emotional side can also be a great advantage. Because there's been times, okay, when that thing come back on my face, okay, And I heard that word, you know, and what I went through with my dad and everything. And then here I am, and it's right here in the middle of my face, and I got to have my whole face split open. You saw the look in my eyes when they said the word, and you came and got right in my face. Why? You felt it too, but you tapped into the God part of it and you got me. You said, look at me, Ron Carpenter. And I was remembering, my eyes got a little wild. I'm like, because you're feeling this. Oh, oh, no. And you got me. And you, I don't know if you grabbed my chin up, but I remember you said, look at me, Ron Carpenter. And then you just spoke the word of God in me, and God's got you. And you were able kind of to bring me right back down. So in the moment, which you could have flipped out because your husband, bam, you connected straight to it and brought it right into the situation. And then I was able to. You know what? God's got me.

Yeah. I just don't think there's a way that a man, a woman, anybody, can respond correctly to pain, to hurt, to bad news, disappointment to disappointment, to your kids acting crazy, to any negative situation. You cannot respond correctly if your heart's not right, if you're not seeking the Lord, if you don't have a renewed mind, if you don't have a relationship with God.

It.

It's so true. When you are pressed up against the wall, when bad news hits, when hard times come, you will see what is in you 100% every time. You'll see what's really in there. So if you want to respond correctly, you've got to put something in there that helps you to respond.

We are hard pressed on every side. And though our outward man is perishing, our inward man is being renewed day by day. What feels like is killing you on the outside will reveal what's in you on the inside every single time. So I think kind of things we've talked about unpacking pain. Let me go back because I may need to go back and preach this one day. We actually did pretty good. Number one, it's okay to feel your pain.

It is. You have to feel your pain.

Emotions are not a sin. They're not a sin. Number two, don't let the emotions drive the decision. Okay. Number three, you got to give your mind something to dream again. And something to think begins to pull you out of it. Because dreaming about a new day, to me is the only thing that can pull you out of the old because.

You can't change it.

Yep. Dreaming about what our marriage could be like, this helped pulled us out of what our marriage was in that moment.

That's right.

And then was nothing. Oh, yeah. You got to let your emotions ventilate through the mouthpiece and watch the circle. You Ventilate.

You got to have a safe circle.

And then you got to carry these cares to God because he is the rock. That's right, he the immovable thing. When everything in life is moving, he's the immovable thing that takes you to a higher place than what you are now. Did we leave anything out so good we need to preach series on that one?

Yeah, I preached it. We just preached it to myself today. Remember you said I was struggling today. So I did. I preached it to my. Sometimes you got to preach to yourself.

I know what she had to go through before we got in here. And you would be pretty doggone impressed for her to be sitting here ministering to you because she's got every right to be frustrated as crap.

And listen, listen. I would love to continue to minister to you. I have an inner circle, a mentorship program. You may have heard me talk about it before, but it is thriving. It is growing. We have over 34 states and five countries represented in this inner circle. We meet twice a month and we just lock arms and do life together. I want to help you be everything that God's called you to be. So if you want to be a part of this inner circle, you get my brand new book for free and you get the first month of the inner circle for free. You say, well, I don't. I've never done anything like that. Or, you know, I don't have a lot of time. Guys, this is going to take two hours of your dedicated time on this inner circle.

I've been on two of them. They're good.

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If you feel like it don't benefit, you quit. Don't do it. So we've decided. I don't know if you've noticed, we're not giving you any ads. We used to do advertisements. We're changing the way we do things because we feel like we're in a point of. In our lifetime about legacy. And our legacy is putting stuff in people and making people great. My legacy is not properties and buildings. My legacy is I want people's lives to have been forever impacted by what I do. And so we're not going to be showing those ads. We're going to be talking about what we do. Her inner circle. Mine is if you download the Ron Carpenter app, go to the App Store. I have my lifelong archive of preaching all the way back to the cassette tape days.

That's a lot of preaching.

That's a lot of preaching, man. Because we were doing, we did Wednesday nights for 25 years.

I loved Wednesday nights.

That's just raw Bible teaching.

I loved it.

So it's all in there for $9.95 a month. We digitally remastered. We've gone to great expense to get this thing set up. So on the Ron Carpenter app, you can't get it on the website yet. Ron Carpenter app, you'll see a thing called the Vault. It's subscription based, $9.99 a month. I used to sell people a CD of one message and it was $9.95. Now you can get everything I've ever preached in my life for $9.95.

It's way cheaper than Netflix and it benefits you way more.

And you get to customize your topic. Where do you need your faith built today? Go right in there and listen to it. So inner circle. Mine is the Vault. Two things we've poured our life into. I'm going to help her out on hers. I've been in two of hers. I've told several times I'm impressed with the level of information. I am. And I'm usually in the next room while you're doing them. I walk down the hallway, you're in the office doing it and I hear the kind of information go out. Then sometime the kind of guests that you have are high level guests. Yeah.

John as well.

Darius Daniels.

Yep. Real talk. Kim.

I've been on there a couple of times. I mean and you go in there throwing out some good life changing stuff. So check that out. This is Ron and Hope.

Unfiltered, real, raw and relevant. We love you. Till next time.

Thank you for being with us today. God bless.