How to Know When You’re Healed | Ron + Hope: Unfiltered

Foreign.

Hey, everybody, it's Ron and Hope. Unfiltered, real raw and relevant. And we are so glad that you're here today. And I'm glad to be back. Hey, Ronald. Why are you staring at me all mean, mean muggy?

Jeez, is that a mosquito?

Baby, I can't see. You got a shirt on.

I was trying to itch it before we started and you kept on going anyway. And I'm still itching. I can't reach it back there.

Well, I scratched it. I scratched your itch.

You've been gone. You're on the west coast now. They don't know what we're on because it always looks the same behind us. We're on the West Coast. I got back Friday. Pardon me? You got back last night.

Last night late.

So you were sleepy when you got back?

I was so sleepy.

But you had two straight flights. I had four delays. So. Anyway, I can handle it. Just trips back and forth when stuff goes smooth. But it tears me up, doesn't it? It does. It tears me up. You don't like it either.

I mean, but I don't get all bent out of shape.

I'm always calm.

You are calm, but you get so aggravated.

I get aggravated, but only voice it to you.

Yep.

Until sometimes I voice it to Jesus. Yes, you and Jesus get to hear my venting. Not many other people get to hear it. So how you feeling? You kind of acting like you had a cold last week. A little bit.

I did have a cold.

Was that just to make me take care of you?

Oh, my gosh.

And a nurse be my butler. We gonna do a show on what it is. How. How to turn your husband into a butler.

Oh, Lord.

I don't think the people out there know what it's like in my life.

You got it bad in mornings. I really don't know how you do it.

It's the level of service that is expected of me.

Expected?

Yes. And so I have employed, you know. Wow. Do it as unto the Lord.

Really?

Do it as unto the Lord.

You don't want to get up and bring me my coffee. If you don't want to, don't do it.

Wait a minute. It's coffee. Okay. And then it's the blanket.

Wow.

That.

I'm telling you, that's tax cold.

I'm sure you out close or open up the doors. Whether we have not, then it's just the heat or the air condition for you, Ron. That's a lie then. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you want to eat? Baby, I want some eggs.

Ron.

I want some eggs.

I made you eggs this morning, baby.

That's like. Baby. That was like, yes, I did. Who normally cooks breakfast? You.

Because you choose to.

I choose to. It's my servanthood.

But you acting like it's.

But I am the butler, though. I am the butler. You come in, I take your bags. Somebody said, you know what?

I think you do all this just so you can sit here and say this.

Let me tell you something so funny.

And I think that's a person.

So we was with our social media.

I think it has a label.

We were with our social media people this morning. They were like, y' all have got to film yourself kind of like on your podcast, the way you are in real life. And they said, like, when you're in the airport, just take your camera. PASTOR ON DUSA I said, I don't have a hand to grab my camera. I said, why? I said, because I'm carrying Hope's bags.

And I don't make you. I'm carrying my bags.

And everybody started laughing.

You said, give me that bag. And I said, no, baby, you know, no. Give me the bag.

I'm not gonna let you carry it.

So you can get on here and brag on yourself.

Brag.

Yes. That's what you're doing.

Okay. I was just doing it out of love.

Points for Ryan.

Out of love.

Ching. Another point for. No, you're not. If you're doing it out of love.

You'Re doing it because you're my glory.

You don't mention it. You're my glory.

Anyway, the Bible says you are my glory. So I tell people. I want people to look at Hope and say, somebody loves that girl.

Right. For your glory.

You're my glory. The Bible says you're my glory.

So you want the glory?

The Bible says that I'm his glory.

Oh, my gosh.

And that you're my glory.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone right now.

Does the Bible say that?

Doody, Doody, Doody, Doody.

How many times have you heard me preach that? I tell the men, she's your glory. So what does glory mean, Ron?

I'm about to.

It means likeness and recognition. Recognition, yes. And so they need to be able to look at her and learn something about me the way they supposed to be able to look at me and learn something about God. Is that not what the Bible says?

Yep, that's what it says.

Okay, so you're my glory. Tell them what we're going to talk about.

I Guess that you're glorious.

No, tell them what we're going to talk about.

How to know when you're healed.

How to know when you're healed. Let me set it up. Then I'm going to let you tell everybody how to know.

Oh, God.

Okay.

You are a character today. You are something else. Have you had enough food?

No, I need some sushi. Okay. Need some sushi. I want to be able to talk to things without taking half our audience off.

Well, that's impossible.

Well, I don't want them to think I am belittling their painful experiences. Having said that, there are some things. And I know I was raised. I know I was raised by very manly, coarse, rugged people. Not people. Say, I knew your daddy. I'm not talking about that. My mom's family, who I spent so much time with, my dad was kind of that generation was that generation. And I'm not pitiful, I loved my upbringing. But I was driving an 18 wheeler transfer truck when I was 13 years old.

Probably because you wanted to.

I did want to. I was tractors in the field, I was, you know, topping tobacco, you know, until they come back and pick you up, they drop you off with a sandwich and a jug of water and come get you that night. I mean, and that's just the way they think. It wasn't that they were treating me any different than anybody else. They lived that way too. And so I, I had a generation of football coach. You remember that one insane football coach I always talk about, man, that was in middle school, that wasn't in high school. And we were like a bunch of 12 and 13 year old men. We were like Marines. Them guys were insane. They wouldn't last one practice without getting fired. Today. The stuff I hear coaches get run off for today I'm like, our coaches beat the crap out of us. And so I just came from a place where outside of your faith, life is tough and live it with that understanding. You were raised in the same generation I was. You was raised small town, everybody worked in the mill and they worked hard and life was hard, you know, and it was not, you know, if you can do something great on YouTube, you can make a lot of money. That generation did not exist. And so I hear a lot of things and here's why. I don't want to tick nobody off here again. I'm not belittling your experience, but I hear church hurt. I can't tell you how many clips I've seen lately on church hurt. And you know.

We talked about that a little Bit at society night.

I hope I'm going to tell you if church hurt was going to determine my relationship with God, I would have stopped about 90 days after I entered the pastorate. I have never seen so much absolute, you know, craziness.

And we talked about this that night and I said, it's not really church hurt.

I think we talked about it because it was a question.

Yeah. But it's, you know, it's people.

It's people in the church.

It's people you happen to be in the church.

Decisions that were made, decisions, things you.

Got caught up in, you get hurt at work.

So I'm not belittling that. I've had devastating church hurt. Devastating where I didn't know if I'd ever get over or ever be the same. You know, I had 250 people in my church sue me.

Wrongfully.

Yes. And came out and admitted it afterwards and said, we just needed money.

Yeah.

Came in the room after it was over with and said we just needed money. I had, you know, a roommate in college, you know, pretty much almost split my church. You know, somebody that was on staff for years and years and years. And when this person decided to exit, it was devastating. Devastating. I mean, these are. Because hurt don't have to do with a title. Hurt has to do with proximity. Hurt has to do with how close I am to you. And so we let people in thinking that they love me enough to handle everything about me there is to see.

Yeah. Good, bad and ugly.

Right. Because if you get close to me, you're going to find out everything. Ron don't do. Well, I think that's why most pastors, they don't have no friends. Most pastors just do not have friends.

People can't handle it.

Exactly right. People can't handle the fact they're not, you know, they don't glow in the dark. They don't glow in the dark and walk in that all the time. And I don't mean a lack of character. I'm talking about that my gift and me are two different things. I am not my gift. A gift is something that God gave me. An anointing is something that God gave me. But that is not Ron. And if Ron don't take a bath, he smells and Ron has to wash his socks. Just like Ron gets frustrated, Ron gets upset at delays. I have all these.

He blows his nose in the shower.

Blows his nose in the shower. And when I lay down at night, I cough. And you hate it. I mean, you know, it's just. And that's rotten. Now, Hope loves me enough to where she understands that's a part of the package.

Right.

And hopefully the positives outweigh the negatives. And I think everybody wants a relationship that hopefully the positives outweigh the negatives. But betrayal and hurt usually comes when someone has been allowed close and then they have abused that proximity.

Well, you can't hurt me unless you are close.

That's exactly right. You can have an opinion.

Yeah. If you're watching here and I don't know you, that doesn't bother me what you think or say.

You can't. If you're out there in Twitterland and say that Ron Carpenter's an idiot, I could absolutely not give 2 cents worth of nothing.

I don't know you.

Yeah. If my son says my daddy is an idiot.

Right. That's hurtful.

That hurts me.

Yeah.

Because he has proximity to me and he knows me. And so that opinion matters. Even Jesus said that. I talked about this Sunday. I didn't plan on bringing it up. Now. Who do men say that I am? And I told people, I said, can I just tell you something? Jesus didn't. Jesus didn't give a crap what people thought he was, but he was letting them understand there's always opinions. Now, what's yours?

Because. Because he knew who he was.

Who do you say that I am? He was not having an identity crisis. He knew exactly who he was and he didn't care about out opinions. And I've always heard, you know, some say, some say you're this, some say you're that. And I've always said, some say will have so much to say that you'll never do what he say if some say has the final say in your life. I've had to learn. I live in a world of some say, but what does he say? And as long as I've got what he says, none of the rest of some say matters. And that was what Jesus was driving the point that Jesus was driving home. And so I just want to talk about a little bit more of these hurts. Then take the second half and let you talk about what are the indications you have actually been healed and moved on.

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No, I mean when you're thinking I'm a potato guy. When you think about cauliflower being substituted.

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So not belittling church hurt, but I just want to make some definitives. How do I say this, man? Don't ever. I believe hope in a number one. Let's talk about God. Don't ever let somebody else's decisions dictate your relationship to God. Yeah, well, I don't serve the Lord anymore. You know, everybody's a hypocrite.

What's that have to do with that.

If everybody decides to go to hell tomorrow?

Yeah. What's that have to do with you and God?

Yes. So I got to be honest with You. I've never. I hear people make statements like that, and I've heard it many times. I'm like, what people do to me. In fact, not only does it make me not want to serve God, it makes me run to him and appreciate his faithfulness and the fact that he does not change. He's the same. When people fail me, it makes me that much closer to God, knowing he does not fail me and it helps me. And then when you start loving on him, he'll help you understand the people that just failed you and have you praying for them, blessing them and loving them.

Hurt is inevitable.

Yes. But how you respond to it is up to you.

You are breathing, you are going to be hurt.

I think my thing is these decisions of my faith, my God, and let's go on churches. I've seen people leave churches because somebody did something that made them leave. I believe in anointings. I believe you have. Are assigned to certain anointings. I believe there's voices that are. The voices are supposed to be in your life for certain seasons that unlock your. That unlock things. God, God, you know, but he has put us under guardians and stewards until the times appointed by the Father. In other words, they're stewards and guardians in our life that unlock our potential because God has put it inside of them, the ability to do that. And so I've seen people remove themselves from. I knew they were supposed to be under me. I knew they were, but out of some type of offense, somebody else did. They left the church, left me, left everything. And I'm sitting there like, why would you give somebody that kind of power? You know, it's not that I've never been offended, and it's not that I've never pouted and had a moment and woe is me. You've been around for them. I don't have them often, but you. You pretty much know if I'm having one, everybody has. But I don't know that I've ever let some really nasty things people have done, you know, drive me away from my God and the people and the house that I'm supposed to be connected to.

Yeah, but there's a difference. There is people that get hurt in church or through Christians or whatever, and then you. You leave church or you backslide or you stop serving God, you know, I don't understand that. I really don't. However, I do understand that a Christian can let hurt and offense get on the inside of them and it affects them. It may not affect their relationship with God, but It affects them deeply, which will in turn affect their relationship with God.

Let's go there then.

But because hurt and pain, however it came, the way you were raised, a breakup, a divorce, a relationship, a friendship, a job, whatever. I mean, you can name a million things, whatever it is, if it's not dealt with, if it's left there in your heart, can't be internalized, to fester and to gain root systems and to grow, it's going to grow.

It'll toxify your life.

It will. It will start spreading out into everything. How you react, how you treat other people, your future relationships. It affects everything.

Well, Jesus said a little yeast leavens the whole lump. Something can get in you. I've said this many times. I have to give credit to Bishop Jakes. He's the first one I've heard say it. And this was man, this may have been 25 years ago. He gave the, you know, the storm and the boat. You've heard me give those truth. He says a boat can make it through any storm. Think about that. He said it can make it through a tsunami, it can make it through a hurricane.

If the water don't get in it.

As long as the water doesn't get in it, as soon as the water gets in it right, it's going down. So I am made to go through storms. The Bible makes that clear. Count it. Pure joy when you go through them.

Yeah.

I made as a man who built his house on a rock, man who built his house on sand when the storms came. Doesn't matter if you build right or build wrong. They come. They're coming. So I am built for storms. The thing is, I've got to go through the storm and not let the storm get in me.

Right?

When the storm gets in me, then you become. This is original me. You become a storm carrier. Okay? Because now the seed in you has toxified you. Now every environment you enter, you toxify it. Let no bitter root spring up in you and defile many. So you walk in and the defilement that has come in your life because of the hurt, pain or the offense, now you defile every room that you walk in with that same thing.

That's right.

And so that's the people who had an offense in a church and ended up splitting a church because they got 100 people that they toxicified and their root defiled everybody there. And then you have a breach in the glory because there's been a split, there's been a dividend.

That's why I believe that the scripture that says, don't let the sun go.

Down on your wrath because the seed germinates.

It does. Because if you can get it quickly, if you can deal with it and not let it have that time to go deep into the soil of your heart, it doesn't gain any root systems, which you can still pull it up. But even if you've ever done. I had to pull weeds when I was little. Hated it. But I remember if it was a little weed, I could just take two fingers and go up to the weed and just pluck it up. But if it had grown, if I missed that weed last week and it has gained strength, I would have to go get a tool and get it up. It's the same way with our life. That's why we have to go through counseling. That's why we have. It takes so long to be healed because we've let it get in our heart and we've not dealt with it. And it's so much harder to excavate.

This is one of the illustrations I used at the marriage conference when you and I. The well chronicled story of trying to heal our marriage, our very broken.

And if you. If you don't know about the story, if you don't know the history, it's all chronicled in my book, the most beautiful disaster anywhere. Books are sold. I would urge you to go get that.

It's all in there. It's all in there. Pretty powerful and it's pretty real raw and relevant. We told a lot more than most people. Well, Hope did. I didn't write it. Hope Brody. Having said that, when we were in that. I remember the one that has been hurt is trying to wrap their head around why. Why am I not good enough? There's all this why, why, why, why? And one of the things that Denise, who was your mentor through that Denise from Healing Living Waters, Healing the Heart, one thing she talked about was when offense or trauma comes, it is a seed. Okay. A seed that has been in the ground a few days and you see that weed growing. I can take two fingers, just pull it up. Okay. Seed that's been in the ground 35 years.

Yeah.

Is now a 100 foot tall oak tree.

That's right. Need heavy equipment.

You got to have a bulldozer. The same seed time.

Yes. What I said. Hurt is inevitable, but it has to be dealt with.

Right then. Yes, right then.

And that's how you live free.

And so let me tell you some of the things that I did and we hadn't got to the actual topic. Yet when I would be hurt by people, when I, you know, I think if I sit and started listing what had happened to me as a minister, I think people would be very surprised, quite honestly, because I really do try to do right by people. I try. Having said that, when that thing comes and you can feel it because it hits hard when you've been betrayed, hurt, maligned, false witness has been brought against you. When all those things happen, it hits you hard. And I remember having to go walk around. I remember one time walking around a subdivision at night. I will forgive. I will. I mean, talking to myself. I could feel what was trying to happen. I could feel it and I had to go out and fight it with everything in me. I will walk in the grace of God. I will not hold their sins against them. I will take the blood of Jesus as payment. And so I'm not talking about this stuff like it's easy. I'm talking about these wrestling matches. I have to have. Yes. To not let these things permeate your life because honestly, they have devastating effects. If you let this root system go, it becomes the driving way. It becomes the driving factor of how you treat people.

It is.

It becomes the driving factor of conduct and behavior and decision making. It will start driving everything and you become impossible to live with. And you don't even recognize it.

Nope. Because you almost feel entitled to feel that way because you were hurt. So you feel like, well, I mean, I should feel this way, have a.

Right to feel this way.

Yeah.

I have a right to entitle like.

This, to feel this way because of how you treated me. But no, we don't have that. The right.

Yep.

Jesus said you don't have the right.

I think there's one key indicator, I got two on my mind. But one key indicator of how do you know you've been healed? This is not clinical. Denise Boggs May would laugh at this. A psychologist, psychiatrist. I'm just going to tell you experientially because I get paid to deal with people and I've been doing it for three and a half decades. One of the keys is does it still get a reaction wherever you get over, get an overreaction? It is a place you have not been healed.

It's true. We call it in healing the heart, wherever there's a tone, there's a stone. If there is a different way of.

Saying the same thing that comes out.

Of you, there is a hardened place on the inside where there is a root system that's taken place that hasn't been healed or dealt.

So, you know, if you are in a marriage and you spank your child and you get a rise out of your spouse, they've been abused, they got whipped too much, they lived under hard line, strict, overbearing parents, you know, and it's not been healed. So immediately you get that rise out of that. If they come in late and you get a. Well, my last husband, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm here, not healed wherever you get an overreaction. Some of you are like, oh, Jesus. Because you got triggers and the trigger triggers the overreaction. The overreaction is the dead giveaway. I am not totally healed.

This scar right here on my arm where I was in second grade and I went with my dad to cut wood. I thought that was awesome. I wanted to spend time with my dad. And I had been begging him just to carry his chainsaw back to the truck. And he was like, no, no, hope. Finally this day, he let me do it. And I'm walking, carrying the chainsaw, and I tripped over a root in the ground, fell over onto the chainsaw and ripped my arm open. Had to go to the hospital, was bleeding, had to get multiple stitches. And the way I. I mean, this hurt for years, and you could even see it for years. And this happened when I was in second grade. But today I have to look for it sometimes and. And now I can pinch it and hit it.

Now that you're in your 60s, you can't even see that.

Jesus, Ron. But what I'm saying is it doesn't hurt anymore. Why? Because it's healed. It is healed. So when it doesn't hurt anymore, it doesn't make you cry anymore. That's how you know that you're healed.

When it doesn't. When the same conversation can come up, but pain doesn't come with it. I think that's the point. You've been healed. How do you know if you've forgiven? I've always. This is. I think this one's original me, I hadn't heard it. I tried to give credit and. And when credit's due, but I think this was original of me. I always said, when all your desire for revenge is gone, I have no desire to see them pay in any way. Because, you know, there's.

That There's a difference, though, Ron, in forgiveness and healing. Yeah, well, you can say I forgive them. You don't want to see them hurt, but you still may not be healed.

From the pain is complete. I think in healing, forgiveness is A decision that starts a process. The healing will never come if that initial decision is not made. Forgiveness, to me is the choice.

It is part of the process.

Yeah. It is the choice that strikes a process moving forward.

But healing is truly a journey. It's not a one and done like forgiveness. It's forgiveness. I choose to forgive you.

But if two years later you say, well, they got theirs coming, you still want us. You got that? I just want to see them get what's coming to them. That's got to go. Yeah, that's got to go. And there's a lot of ways to get there. But what psychiatrists, what mentors, what counsel is trying to do, what therapy is trying to do. To me, Christian therapy is take you to a place of grace. Because what is essentially got to happen after you talk and talk and cry and unearth and remember and confess after all that, the grace of God has got to come to that area and it's got to be released in that grace and in that moment. And I can tell you, you can't unknow what you know. Forgetting those things which are behind does not mean amnesia.

Right.

Doesn't mean amnesia.

It's willfully overlooking.

When I studied that out in the Greek, that word means to willfully overlook forgetting those things. We're trying. I press forward to the mark of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

I know it's there, but I'm going to willfully overlook it.

So this is here, and I'm doing a 180.

I know it's there, but I'm going to overlook it.

It's there, it happened, but it's not a part of my focus.

Yeah. So good.

I know it's there, but I choose.

Not to stare at it, talk about it, milk it.

Yeah. It's not a part of focus. So I have to understand that a part of the healing journey is learning. What did Jesus say? I will remember your sins no more. I will remember they're there, you committed them. But that's not what I'm looking at.

That's right.

So, number one, is there still a trigger? Number two, is there an overreaction, a tone or a stone? A tone and a stone. Number three, you gave the third one. What did you say mine was? Forgiveness is complete when all desire for revenge is gone. And then you gave one right in there.

I don't remember giving a point. I was just talking point.

You didn't know it, but it was a point. In my mind, it was a point. You naturally gave point three. But point four, I believe these are indicators. And if any of these things are still functioning in your life, then the place where the overreaction is, I think, has got to be taken back to God. And if you and God can't get it handled, you need a mediator to try to help you unearth it.

I believe in counseling.

Yes, sir. You got to. You got to get up under there and unearth whatever that is causing you that level of pain and discomfort because of what happened.

Sometimes, you know what, Ron? For healing, you just got to let things go. That's another thing about the willfully overlooking. You're never going to get all of your answers, explanations, maybe even apologies. But you've got to just say, my future is worth letting this go in the past. I want to start where I am right now so that I can press forward, so I can keep my eyes on Jesus. Hebrews 12. So that I can run my race.

Well, remember, your mind remembers and imagines. That's it.

Yes, go.

To any neuroscientist, your mind has two functions. It remembers and it imagines.

Right. So are you going to stay still?

That's what I told people. I said, your memory is the size of a closet. Your imagination is the size of a universe.

Yeah, indeed.

But most people live in the closet.

Yeah.

And what I teach people in mind world 2015, best selling that I've ever had, more CDs and DVDs of that that was in the DVD time than anything else I've ever done. I told people, I said, you have to imagine a tomorrow that is so powerful that it causes your mind to leave the drebs of yesterday. Because we are biologically wired, if we see no tomorrow, we retreat to the closet.

Yes, true.

And so you got people that you see, and they're 40 years old, and they're still living right in the moment of what happened when they were 15.

Right.

They're in the closet. You've got to give your mind. What do we tell our counselor the last time we ever went to counseling in marriage? What do we. I can't do this no more. I said I'm done.

We've got to dream.

Y' all are nice. I love you. You've helped me. I can't sit here and rehash this one more time. I am done. I got to get out of here, and I got to go dream again. I had to give my mind something to see that is greater than the pain I've just experienced. And so I think that is a big, big key in healing. Our time's up. We got to get off of here. This has been good.

It has.

This has been good. Study those things and be honest with yourself and be self aware. And sometimes if you go back and study it, you'll learn some things about yourself. Maybe you didn't know.

Healing is tough. It's hard to go down and being Knothill's tougher and weed that garden, its work, just like weeding a natural garden. But it is worth it, I'm telling you. Your freedom, your joy, your peace, it's so worth whatever work you've got to put into getting free from all the hurt, all the pain of your abusers, of your past, of. Of your bad relationships. God's got a great life and a great future for you. Jeremiah 29:11. He said, I know the plans I have for you, and they're good. They're good plans to give you a hope. That's an expected end, a hope and a future. Stop looking at the past. Look at the great good future that God has for you and do the work to get it. All right, y'. All. It's been ronin hope, unfiltered, real and relevant. We love you.