Mental Health Matters | Part 1 - Hope Carpenter (Feat. Dr. Alexis Nicole)

Hello, everybody. I am so glad that you are here. Wherever you're coming in from, tuning in from, you could be driving down the road and just listening. You could be in a prison tonight, a physical prison. But you know what? You don't have to be in a prison in your mind or in your spirit. You could be in a hospital bed, but you feel more whole than anybody that you know. Your body could be aching, but you are ready for this word. And I am so excited, excited to have my friend here tonight, doctor. Say it again. Dr. Alexis White. She has a doctorate degree of clinical psychology. Oh, that makes me feel like this. No, no. And I don't want to look her in the eyes. Almost like, don't look at me. You know, when you're around people who have studied like this and know people's behaviors and what makes them do what they do. But that's why she is here. She is a researcher. She is a psychotherap therapist. You help people. That's what you do. You do it to help people. And that's ministry. You know, that's ministry. It's anointed. You're anointed to do what you do. And so I just felt so passionately about having her with me here on our Facebook, live, on our YouTube. Tonight, we're going to be talking about my book, the Most Beautiful Disaster. If you haven't gotten it, you got to go get. Was number 12 last week on Publishers Weekly, number 12. Matthew McConnel was number 11. I'm like, hey, that's pretty cool, right? So go get it at Amazon.com barnesandnoble.com target.com not because I need you to get the book for me. I need you to get the book for you. This book is a tool book. It's going to help you. It's going to bring understanding to your life. And, you know, for so many years, Alexis, I lived doing things not even knowing why I did what I was doing. And I think the majority of people do that.

Absolutely.

Because we don't dig into the why. We look at people and we say, why did you do that? Or, you know, why are you doing this? Instead of asking the right question that Oprah's been asking in her new book, what happened to you? Yes. So there's always a why behind what we do. So I'm so excited, honored that you're here. So let's jump in. Okay.

Let's do it. I'm super excited. Super excited. So, first of all, Pastor Hope, thank you so much for having me.

You're welcome.

It's May Mental Health Awareness Month, and I'm just honored to be here. Your book is absolutely amazing.

Well, that makes me feel really good coming from you.

Oh, my goodness.

So thank you.

You're welcome. Listen, you're a pioneer in this, you know, movement towards talking about mental health and Christianity and our faith and belief in God. And I'm just so excited. I mean, I read the book cover to cover on my fl. So excited to read it. So seriously, guys, if you do not have the book, please go pick it up. It will be life changing. So with that, let's get into it. I have some questions. Oh, goodness, I'm really excited.

Let me cross my leg. I'm nervous. Feel like I'm on the table, you know. Go ahead.

Okay. So just to begin with, you know, I really admire the fact that you're having the conversation about mental health, and you really open up in the book about your journey. Journey, right. Restoration, reconciliation. You. You talked about so many different things in the book. And so I just want to hit a couple different things tonight.

Okay?

So first thing that I really, really appreciate it is when I have patients come in, I like to talk to them about how the brain is actually an organ. Right. We talk about the heart, we talk about the lungs. And people are okay with those malfunctioning or not being okay.

Right.

But they have difficulty understanding that the brain is an organ too.

Right. So many times we look at it as like just a computer up there, you know, and it's just made of steel and you can't do anything to it. You can't, you know, mess it up. But it's true. It's just like any other organ in our body.

That's right. And so in the book, you mention about impact on the brain and trauma, could you share a little bit with us about that?

Well, you could probably share a whole lot better, but I can tell you what happened to me and had no clue. You know, we. You just don't know what you don't know, honestly. And so you. You're going into life, into teenage years, you're going into adulthood having no idea that trauma, pain, abuse, traumatic events, fear, anxiety, what that does to the brain, you know, and that's our thinking, our feeling, our responding, our acting, it all comes from. So, you know, we know those things. Trauma, abuse, anxiety, fear, how it affects our gut, how it affects our heart.

Yes.

But we don't ever think about how it affects our brain, which in turn is how we think, feel and act. So when I got understanding when I said, I'm just so determined to dig into the why. Why did I do what I did? I didn't understand that because I knew I loved God. I knew I loved the church. I knew I loved my husband and my family. So what drove me to do some of the things that I did? And I could see, after getting much counseling, much therapy, why I did, because I had created pathways. I had created ways of thinking. And spiritually, we call it strongholds. So those are the lies that we take to be the truth, which are not the truth at all. You know, God's word is the truth. But what I had been through had become my truth, and it was my pattern and my way of thinking. I gave the example in the book of, you know, lying, because for many years, I would lie to keep from getting punished. Right. So any confrontation that would happen between me and my parents. Hope, did you blah. Whatever it was immediately it was, no. No, I didn't. Because I would lie because I was conditioned that, you know, if I was going to get in trouble, it was going to be painful, it was going to hurt really bad. And so that created a pattern in my thinking and in my response that I took into adulthood, into marriage. Stupid things, dumb things, like if, you know, I was going to get groceries and Ron said, okay, don't spend more than 100 bucks. You know, he was the budgeter, right. So he had to keep me in check. So don't spend more than 100 bucks. So when we'd come home and he'd say, how much did you spend? It could have been 102. He wouldn't have freaked out on 102. I'd go 88. Because it was a pattern that I had set up in my life that had I was conditioned to respond so that I wouldn't get in trouble. Would you like to add to any of that?

Yes. So what you made me think of, a lot of times we talk about there's a part of the brain, and you mention it in the book. I got so excited when I saw it. The amygdala.

Yes.

Which is critical for our flight or freeze response. Right. We have to decide what we're going to do. It tells us, okay, should I be fearful in this situation? Situation. And if I am fearful, what do I need to do? So it sounds like when Pastor Ron is saying, how much did you spend?

Oh, my goodness. Yeah.

Immediately tell us to protect yourself.

Yes.

And we do that. That's a part of our brain wiring. But I heard you say Something really important and we all can do it. You can rewire, right? You can rewire your brain so you can learn new ways of doing things.

It's just like we can get rid of this cellulite right here. We can redo this thigh. Right? But it's a lot of work.

It's a lot of work.

It's so much work. And I think that people know a lot of times, like, man, I am messed up. But they also know, wow, it's going to take a lot of work. And you know, a lot of people just aren't willing to put in the work. Just like I'm not willing to get rid of the cellulite.

Oh, my goodness. My goodness. Okay, so there was another thing that came up in the book that I wanted to talk to you about, and I heard you mention it earlier. About childhood.

Yes.

I love how you talked about perfection. Right. Pastor Hope has so many quotables in this book. I'm telling you, I absolutely love it.

I love quotes.

Yes, so you said. And when I was reading the book, I laughed, I smiled, I cried. I mean, you evoked so many different emotions. So this one really touched me. I wanted to ask you about it. You said, God's love for us is already more perfect than the most sincere lifelong pursuit of holiness.

Wow.

I teared up when I read that. Right, and you wrote about that in relation to your worthiness and to feeling like you had to be perfect in childhood. Could you share a little bit more about that?

Absolutely, I can. My home was a home. It was a. It was a good home in so many ways. It really was. It was a Christian home, spirit filled home. But I don't know that they understood that they were loved completely, 100%, just like they were. I think they were striving to earn God's love. So when that's your whole lens of love, you turn around and you do that to people. You know, you make people perform or then you're performing for people. So in my home, it was like that. You know, the house had to be spotless. The room had to be spotless. Your bed had to be made every single morning before you go to school and you're six years old, seven years old, eight years old. You know, your grades had to be A's. You know, your gas always had to be in your car. Don't drive your car home without gas. You know, just everything you had to be on top of. And that is so hard for little bitties.

Oh, it's exhausting for adults.

But just Think about the little ones, the little kids, they're learning everything. They're trying to figure out, you know, how to brush your teeth or even how to make a bed correctly or how to spell disaster. You know, is it 1s, is it 2s? And all of this. So we're learning. We're. We're constantly trying to figure out life and. And what's right and what's wrong and what I'm good at and what I'm not good at. And. And my home was really shrouded in perfectionism. And so I came into adulthood striving to please the Lord. You know, I did not truly know that I was loved right then, right there, 100% for who I was, not for what I did. Because that's what conditional love is. It's. It's. I love you as long as you do A, B, C, and D. There's conditions. There's conditions to it. And so. But God's unconditional love is, I love you whether you're good or bad. On your best day, on your worst day, you know, you can never be holy enough for God. The Bible says our righteousness is just like nasty, dirty, soapy, gross water rags that you've been wiping the floor with or wiping the dog pen with. That's as good as it gets. But he loves you so much. Right there, right then, I had no idea that I didn't have to work for God's love. I had no idea I didn't have to work for Ron's love. I had no idea I didn't have to work for friendship love because I was conditioned to be perfect all the time.

So you earned your love?

Yes.

Wow.

It's exhausting.

Exhausting. I say it all the time to patients. Listen, perfection is exhausting. It is really exciting, and it's so unrealistic because you'll never reach perfection. No, the only perfect one is who?

Jesus. That's it. And that's why he had to die for us.

That's right. That's right. So, okay, I want to discuss the work.

Okay.

You said this is a lot of work, so dismantling false narratives is something that you talked about in the book, and that's where the work comes in. Because when we are hardwired to believe certain things and to see the world a certain way, it's very difficult to change that.

It is.

So could you tell me a little bit about how you started dismantling the false narratives? You mentioned one already. You know, I have to be perfect. There Are others that people may, you know, be thinking, I know. I see patients all the time. That we have to work on that. Could you share some others?

Well, number one, you have to know what the truth is. Oh. Before you can know what the lie is. So, you know, if you're a Christian listening to this, you know, we. We believe as Christians that. That everything that God says in God's word is the truth for us, and anything other than that is a lie. So, for instance, you know I am worthy, right? Well, growing up, you may not have felt worthy because your brother was better than you in math, English, all the school subjects, or in sports. And so you felt less than. So you take that into adulthood. Because I don't. I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. So the whole goal is, if you don't open the Bible and you don't know what the truth is, you won't know what the lie is. So that's why I just kind of try to beat into people's head that you can't live without the word of God.

We need it.

You cannot live without it because you won't know how to dismantle the things that you have constructed as truth until you know what God's word says about who you are and what you can do.

Right. Which is a part of our true identity.

Yes.

Right. True identity. You said, messing up does not disqualify us from being loved by and heard by God.

Or used. No. He knew we would mess up. How do I know that? Because that's why he had to come. That's why he had to die. Because he knew that you and I were not good enough. He knew that we were flesh and blood. He knew that we were going to need him every single day. That's why the word of God says his mercy. Mercy is new every morning. Mercy is when you don't get what you deserve. Right. It is by grace that you were saved. Through faith. Grace. He knew we were going to need him. He knew we were going to mess up. I've probably messed up five times already today, right?

Me too.

We all do. And I think when we take that perfectionism hat off and we say, you know what? I'm just a human and I am in pursuit of an upward call of trying to be more like Jesus today than I was yesterday. That's the only thing we need to worry about. I'm just trying today to be more. More like Jesus today than I was yesterday. Man, the weight just lifts right off your shoulders. Yes. And if I Mess it up royally today. Tomorrow is another day. Yep.

It's okay, too.

Yeah.

Because it sounds to me. And I say this all the time. Sounds to me like you're human. Right. Sounds to me like you're a human.

Absolutely.

Yes. I love how in the book, I don't want to. I don't want to tell everything because people need to get the book.

They do.

But you talked about reading Scripture, and I love how you laid out the fact that God used the most unlikely people in the Bible.

Right.

To show how we can have the most beautiful disaster.

Absolutely. I love how you do that. Yeah. Noah was a drunk. Right. Jacob was a schemer. I mean, do we need to go on? Rahab was a prostitute. Come on. Moon worshipers, drunks, liars, cheaters, tax collectors. He. I mean, all of that. He used every. And I think it's so cool that. That, you know, the Bible from beginning to end just shows that. That no matter where you are in life, how many times you've messed up. Peter, after, you know, he denied Christ, he said, guess what? I'm going back fishing. I'm going back to what I was doing before. And how many times have we done that? When we fail the Lord, we say, oh, I'm going back to club. You know, I'm going back to drinking. I'm going back to doing everything I was doing. And it did not disqualify him, because when Jesus came and met him on the shore, this is what he called him. He said, friend. Whoo. It makes me want to run all over this dome right here where we are taping. He said, friend, it does not. He said, go feed my sheep. Get back to doing what you know you're supposed to be doing. I know you messed up, but you're still qualified.

That's the unconditional love.

Yes, it is.

I'm grateful.

Me, too.

I'm so grateful for it.

Me, too.

So you talked also about emotional needs in the book, and you kind of broke those down. Right. Going back into childhood and how those can trickle into adulthood.

Right.

And oftentimes when people come to see me in my office, that's what we're exploring, those needs not being met. A lot of times people say, well, my parents, you know, Dr. White, they. You know, we had a home. It was nice, and, you know, we had food on the table, but they.

Didn'T spend any time with me. Yeah. They didn't talk to me. Right. And I talk about. I do a whole chapter in the book, and thank goodness I got to Put a plug in here for Living Waters Ministry. Lynn Denise Boggs, some of the most amazing people that I've ever known. They helped to save my life. So they taught me about these emotional needs. And they explain them as internal cups, just cups on the inside of us that like acceptance and safety and comfort. And there's a whole chapter. You got to get the book that your parents are supposed to pour into you so you go into adulthood either empty or full. And Psalm 107 says this. It says, only Jesus can satisfy the longings of our soul. So our soul is our mind, our will, our emotions, our intellect. So our emotions, emotions have to be filled. But only Jesus. If you didn't get what you needed as a child, and that's the only time period that those were supposed to be met by another human so that you could go into adulthood whole and well, if you didn't get it, where do we go as adults? We go to drugs, alcohol, shopping, chocolate, purses, men, women, riotous living, you know, trying to feel the longings in our soul. And it's never enough purses, never. It's never enough martinis, it's never enough trips. It's never enough men. You know, only Jesus can satisfy the longings of our emotional man.

You made me think about even now, the era of social media, right? And how we seek the validation from how many followers, likes and comments and.

And isn't. Is it. I'm not sure. But I'm sure, you know, hasn't it been proven that that triggers something in the brain? The serotonin, the endorphins in your brain the more you see the light. And that's why we want to scroll all the time, because it makes us feel good.

It sets off a little wire, like you said, the dopamine and serotonin in our brains. And that little, like that little notification. And so you keep seeking it out over and over again.

So we should do a little test. We should ask everybody to do a little test. Let's see how long we can go without picking up our phones.

Oh, my goodness.

And checking our lights and checking our comments. That'll test your emotional cup approval and acceptance.

And the way our brains are wired, you'll start to the urge.

Yes. Okay.

You haven't.

Where's my phone? I want to look at my phone. Wow.

Yeah. So another beautiful theme in the book was forgiveness. So powerful. You said there's a difference between offering apology and forgiveness.

Absolutely.

Okay, tell us, what's the difference?

Well, the Bible, you know, I don't have all the DDDs that she has on her name. But I do know the Bible. And the Bible talks about the difference in solish, repentance and Davidic repentance. Saul, when he was caught, when he was got in trouble, he made excuses. And that is not. That is not repenting. That is not turning. That is not asking for true forgiveness. That's just, I'm sorry I got caught. Right? Yes.

When.

When we truly have a heart of repentance and we have a heart where we want to be forgiven, that is, I am sorry I did it. I own it. No excuses.

No excuses.

No excuses.

That's the key part.

It's. I didn't go back to Pastor Ron and say, well, I did what I did because I was raped when I was 15. And if you just knew all I'd been through and if you knew, blah, blah, you know, I didn't start listing these things I wanted to. Because there is a why. There's always a why when you dig to the bottom of it. But true repentance, a true heart that wants to make it right, is I violated you, I hurt you, and I am so sorry. I own it, and I have no excuses.

So it's not, I'm sorry, but you made me, Pastor Hope, feel like it's never a but. I'm sorry. If you had did this first, and I wouldn't have did this to you. No, that's not an apology.

No.

Okay.

And that's hard to do because our flesh wants to be validated. You know, we want to say, I know I did wrong, but we want to skirt around taking all the brunt of it, you know, just as much as we can. We'd like, I did it, but.

Or this is. This is a key one when I'm talking with code couples. I'm sorry you took it that way. Yeah.

Or if I hurt you, I'm sorry. Well, you know, you hurt. They're sitting there crying, you know. Right. That's not a true apology. That's not true repentance. And then the key is, you know, somebody's repentant if they stop and don't do it anymore. Repentance is complete turnaround, turn, and go the other way. Apology is, I apologize this time, I'll apologize next time, and I'll apologize maybe.

And I'll keep doing the same thing over and over and over again because I know I could just say sorry.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Sounds like you've listened to a couple of those.

Maybe a time or two. Maybe a time or Two. So overarching thing was healing and wholeness. You've been talking about it tonight, which is. And that's the reason that we're having this talk, because God wants us to be healed. He wants us to be whole. And it's possible for all of us.

It is.

It's possible for a lot of times people don't believe it when they come in and see me. They say I'm such a wreck and I've messed up so badly, there's no way I can get out of here. Can you relate to feeling like that or having those thoughts?

I had no idea. I just thought, God, I know that you're good. I know what your word says. But, God, I don't know if you can fix me. God, I've done so much. I've gone so far. I've hurt so many people. How on earth can you put all this back together again? And here's the thing. He didn't. He made me different. He made me over. I wasn't just a patched up version of who I was. I'm completely new. I'm completely different. That's the whole the potter's wheel story in the Bible where he takes us. And the reason he had to mash the clay again is because the clay was being rebellious. Key number one, the clay was being rebellious. Maybe the clay doesn't know what's in the mind of the potter. What's in the potter's mind is what determines what the clay's going to be. But see, here we are, we're the clay, and we're bumping up against the potter, and we're like, no, I don't want to be a vase. I want to be a big bowl and I want to be painted red. You know? And in the mind of the potter, he might say, no, but I wanted you to be this beautiful petite vase painted silver. But we're rebellious. So what does the potter have to do? He has to smash us down and start over. But isn't that beautiful that every day you could start over every day be made beautifully perfect into what he wants you to be if we would stop resisting. I just feel the Holy Spirit right now that you may be listening to us and you may be resisting. You may be resisting what God wants for you. You've not gone too far. You haven't done too much. This is what he specializes in. This is what he does. This is who he is. He loves you so much right where you are. You could be in a crack house tonight. You could be in the car of your lover, you could be waiting on your boyfriend to pick you up and you're going somewhere you know you shouldn't be going. You could be in the lowest point of your life, but you still have not gone too far. He loves you so much. And I want to tell you tonight that if you don't fight, you don't win. If you don't get up from that situation that you're in and say, I surrender. I surrender to the potter tonight. I surrender. You haven't gone too far. You're not too messed up. Listen, God can take the most broken, jacked up, messed up person and turn them around. He can make your life beautiful if you'll let him. It's not going to be quick, it's not going to be easy, but it is going to be beautiful. I want you to say out loud, I am a beautiful disaster. I am a beautiful disaster. God's going to do something so beautiful and so precious in my life. Why don't you type that in the comment comments. If you're on Facebook live, If you're on YouTube and you're watching or listening, say, I am a beautiful disaster. I'm going to decree and declare it over my life. And I want you to get in your Bible. I want you to get a Bible. You say, pastor Hope, I don't have a Bible. If you don't have a Bible, let us know. Let us know and we will get a Bible to you. Because you don't know how to break down the lies that you've taken to be the truth. If you don't know what the truth is about your life. Jesus came that you could have an abundant life. And that's body, soul and spirit. That's not just a pretty house or a nice car. No, I lived in a nice house and I drove a nice car. But I was messed up in my mind. I was messed up in my emotions and it about made me lose my mind. It's not about a car, it's not about a house. It's not about your curtains matching your couch. It's about, do you lay down at night and know who you are in Christ? It's about the peace and contentment that if all hell's breaking out in your life, you still got peace, you still got joy, you still know who Christ says you are. And you are confident in who you are, that you were made in the image of Christ, that you are special, just like you are frank, warts, cellulite and all. None of us are perfect you will never be perfect. You will never be good enough. But it's not about what you do. It's about who you are. You're perfect just like you are. And I want to pray for you tonight. Many of you might be watching. You've never even accepted Christ. You're hearing this message and you're like, man, this was intriguing. Only Jesus, only Jesus can satisfy the longings of your soul. Only Jesus can fix the broken places. Only Jesus can make the crooked places straight. Only Jesus can make roadways in the wilderness and streams in the desert for you. You say, but I'm going through hell. Yeah, but you don't have to go through it alone. If that's you and you need to accept Jesus, write that in that chat box right now. Say, I accept Jesus tonight. And that's all you got to do. You got listen by grace through faith. You just got to believe. Give him a shot. Give Jesus a chance with your life right now. In the name of Jesus, I thank you for everybody listening tonight. And I thank you that the anointing is going through the airwaves, that there is no time, space or distance with you, Holy Spirit, that you are seized people's hearts, that you're seizing people's emotions tonight. And you're bringing great healing into houses, into apartments, into cars, into jails, into hotels, into hospitals, into elderly homes. I thank you, Lord, that. That you have come to seek and save the lost. And I thank you that there are people under the sound of my voice who say, I can't do this another day. I cannot live this way another day. I need you, Jesus. So I thank you for the gift of salvation tonight. That's free that we don't have to clean up before we come into your presence. It's free because you love us so much. And then I pray for the people listening tonight who already are saved, but they are struggling. They are saved, but they are bound. And God, you said it was for freedom that Christ set us free. So I decree, decree freedom, body, soul and spirit over their life tonight. I know we're going to get testimonies. I know we are. So mail on, write them in. Because I know tonight you're going to look back over over your life. You going to say, tonight when I heard that message, God began a work in me. He who began a good work in you, he will be faithful to complete it. There's nothing you have to do. Just love him, just pursue him. He's going to be faithful to complete the work. But get you know what Just like you go to a doctor to get a body checkup, you got to go to get your. Your yearly women's exam or your teeth exam twice a year. Whatever you do, you need to go get your head examined. Sometimes you need to just go somewhere to have someone listen to you. A safe place to pour out your hurts and your trauma and your pain. If you're in the LA area and you're in the California area, right here, we've got right there on the screen information how to get ahold of Dr. Alexis White, one of the sweetest, most compassionate people you'll ever meet. No judgmental, no judgment zone in her office. If there's other people you need, reach out. We can get you Living Waters Ministry on the east coast, in North Carolina, powerful place of ministry. Seek out help. It's Mental Health Awareness Month. We gotta take care of ourselves, body, soul and spirit. You're not slapping Jesus in the face just because you go to a counselor. Right? We need to get help. If you need help, reach out. We want to get you the help you need. I love you. Get this book. This book is going to help you. The most beautiful disaster. Thank you so much. I think we need to do it again. I think so too, because we didn't get to cover half of what we need to cover. Right? So if you didn't, if you didn't get all you wanted to see, what about tuning in next week? You want to do it again?

Let's.

Let's do it again. I love you. God bless you.