Michele Pillar | Who God Made You to Be | Untangled Conference 2023

This is a viable, intimate relationship with the living God. And he's offering it to you. To you. Say. He's saying, I want to sit there with you. I want to wrap my arm around you. And I. I want to dive into that heart of yours where it's troubled, where it's broken, where it's fearful, where it's unsure. And then I want to start repent, Repairing and rebuilding and making you the strongest you've ever been. Let's start with a song.

Don't let your dreams fade away into the future don't let your fears have a say when you look in the.

Mirror.

Though it's an uphill clim the bright morning star will shine.

Be strong.

For the weak Be a light in the darkness and give from your heart and love forever but most of all believe when no one else believe oh, just believe oh, just believe Always keep your faith alive don't lose your passion Fight for the weak to survive Dare.

To imagine.

Though it's an uphill clim the bright morning star will shine.

Be.

Strong for the week Be a light in the darkness and give from your and love forever but most of all believe when no one else believe I've seen impossible come true so reach for the miracle in the sight of.

Inside.

Us Be strong for the Be a light in the darkness Be strong.

Be.

A light A light in darkness and give GR me your heart Love forever Never believe when no one else Be strong and believe.

Well, I'm just going to just start right in because I had an epiphany today. Have not the speakers been incredible? Pastor Hope, Pastor Tanya, I mean, everything. The worship and this has been my observation. We all prepare at home. Different states, different. Different backgrounds. I've never met these. In fact, I didn't. I still don't know why Pastor Hope even asked me to do this. I haven't quite had a chance to ask her. But I'm telling you what, you're going to see a reoccurring theme through. You already have. Right. Have you been noticing that? Well, we didn't take, you know, a zoom call to figure all this out. And at first I started to panic. I mean, I think Tanya might have said something about it. I was over there thinking, oh, dear, maybe I should have prepared something else. In a course. The Lord, just as he does, chuckled at my counsel to him. Have you ever done that? Tried to counsel the Lord? Oh, I do it all the time. But he said, michelle, I know these women. I love these women. I know exactly where they are. I See them, and I'm here to meet their need. And he said whenever I wanted to stress a point throughout my walk on this earth, he said, I repeated myself. That's what he told me. I was sitting right over there. He said, I repeated myself because people need to hear it again and again and again from different angles until it soaks all the way in. Isn't that right? So praise God that we all are on the same page here as we jump in. Okay, so I'm just gonna tell you my quick story. Story is that I was raised in Orange County, California, by a single mother of four girls. That is way too much estrogen in one house. And it was a pretty crazy house. No dad. That's another reoccurring theme. No father in sight, really. My dad wasn't a bad guy. He just was an absentee father. So in a way, it was more confusing because when he would come around, I would just. Well, with hope that I could have a dad because he was a nice guy. But then he would go away and he wouldn't come back for a long time. And so for years, even after I came to know Jesus as my savior, I didn't know Abba. I didn't know I spent probably four decades as a Christian with two thirds of the Godhead as my reality. I could relate to Jesus. Who can't relate to Jesus. I could relate to the Holy Spirit. I felt conviction when I was going down the wrong path. I got chills on my arms like I did today a million times sitting here. I felt the Holy Spirit's guidance, unction, encouragement, counsel. And when people would tell me, you know, walk into the throne room of God and make your request known. Honest to goodness, for decades, I'd walk into the throne room of God. And in my mind, the throne was empty. And it was so confusing to me. And again, that came from not having anything to go on with regard to a father. So I just, first of all, want to encourage you if any of this rings true for you. And you love God with all of your heart, but God the Father is a complete mystery to you. You're not alone. And I want to encourage you in the next weeks and months to come to come before the Lord in your quiet and say, abba, I really want to know you. I want to know how you function in a human being's life. Because it's a three in one, isn't it? They all have distinct personalities. They all have distinct jobs. Even though they're one God. There are three of them. And What I have found by doing this through the years as I got older and I realized I had this absentee father God, that wasn't really something I could touch or feel comfortable with. What I found is that a woman who knows who she is to the Father knows who she is. It gave me the ability to walk a little straighter and even walk into a situation like this and not be scared to death. There's just a protection, an authority, a covering that Abba gives a woman that you can't get from any other portion of the Godhead. And so I can't tell you exactly how I did it other than you know, the obvious googling scriptures about the Father. You know, when Jesus said if you've seen me, you've seen the Father, I and the Father are one. I mean his job, one of Christ's job besides dying for our sins was to show us who the Father is. Jesus could have covered our sins if he had been sacrificed as an eight year old. He could have covered our sins if he would have been sacrificed as an infant. Although that wasn't what prophecy said would happen. But you see what I mean, why did he hang around for 30 plus years? So we would know how he talks and walks and how he is. But we'd also be able to equate that and bridge the gap to the Father. He wants, the Father wants to know you. He sent Jesus that you might know him. So that's my first point of encouragement to you because that was a game changer for me. So getting back to my family with no dad. So boy, where do I begin? I'm going to try to make this as quick as I, I mean not quick but you know what I mean. I need to give you the Cliff note version. My mom worked really hard and of course we didn't go to church. I never opened a Bible. I mean we had no sense of help from God, a relationship with God, anything about God in my family we wouldn't have considered ourselves atheists but we certainly didn't had never invited any of us had ever invited God to be part of our lives. And so you can imagine with four women and a mother working really really hard, it got a little crazy. And so everybody deals with stress different, differently. And my mother, my mother chose to drink. And you know I always say if you don't know Jesus, you better drink. I mean I say that kiddingly but do you know what I mean? People can't survive this world without Jesus. They will find a substitute to deaden the pain won't they? And to deal with the stress. So, you know, we would all have our jobs to try to make things and ends work and make the household work. And my job was to hang the clothes on the clothesline when I got home from school. So, you know, we were in Southern California. We were too poor to have a dryer. Who needed a dryer? Put the clothes up at 3 o' clock when you get home from school, and when it's dinner time, the clothes are dry. So that was my job. But, you know, there's a methodical way that I would hang the clothes because our clothesline could be seen by the whole neighborhood. You can tell a lot about a person by what they have on their clothesline, Right? And so at nine years old, everything in the world embarrasses you, right? And so I would start with the towels and the socks and, you know, really harmless garments and items. And then I would save this item for last. And when I would hang it, I would run back in the house as fast as I could, and here it is. Are you ready? Okay. Picture me, nine years old, pinning this up on the line and then running in before anybody could see me. Yep. My mama's XXX granny panties. This was the thing that I would. Now I want you to know that this was the very first time in my life I can ever remember feeling shame. That was the first time ever. Now. But what I also want you to know and understand is I was not ashamed of my mother because she was big. We don't care what size our mamas.

Are.

We don't care. And I didn't care that she was large. But what was interesting about that shame that I took upon myself to carry for her is that I thought the whole neighborhood knew why she was big. And she was big because she drank too much. And she was big because she had these alcoholic rages in the house. And those were shameful. You know, when you have a secret, you kind of carry it around. And we've heard that a couple times today. You kind of exude that secret, even if you don't tell anybody what it is. When you walk in the room, everybody can feel you. You have a secret, it kind of walks in before you do. Have you ever noticed that? And that's why the Lord wants to free us from our secrets. So that was my first secret. I carried it around. I wore it every day. Somewhere along the way, I thought that I had to carry my mama's shame. I don't know if you've ever tried to Carry somebody else's deal, their issue. But I think it's pretty easy thing to adopt. So that's what I did with her. And the next thing that I adopted, the next garment, I call them hand me down garments that I got in that home came with this garment. It was my little nightie. I was that old. And my mama would drink with Janine next door, starting when I got home from school. You know, there was something kind of comforting about my mama being there at the. You know, I could count on it. I could count on the fact that mom was at that table every day smoking her cigarettes like they were going out of style and drinking her country club malt liquor. And it was an assurance. But right about dinner time or just a little after dinner time. You know, every alcoholic has a tipping point, and it's all a party until it isn't. And she would tip and she would get really angry. And all that anger and everything she felt inside would just come raging out of her. The alcohol just wasn't enough to make it any better. And in fact, you know, made it worse, right? And that's how the lie of the enemy always is. He'll hand you a counterfeit. He'll hand you that counterfeit. But it always backfires, doesn't it? And so she would go nuts. And my sisters would all run out of the house. They were all older than I was, and they'd just leave. I was too little to leave. So I'd run upstairs and I'd fling myself under my twin bed and I'd hide. And when I'd get under there, I would be so frightened that I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. And I would pray. And I prayed it the same way every single time I say, God, please don't let her find me. Please don't let her hit me again. Please don't let her kill me. And, you know, my mama would run around that teeny, tiny house and look in every closet, but she never thought to look under that bed. I always say that when I flung myself under that bed and prayed that God made me invisible. Now, I didn't always get under the bed in time, but that's okay. That's all in the past. And the Lord has healed me and helped me to deal with it, as Pastor Tanya talked about. But, yeah, I could feel the peace of God cover me like a blanket. And nobody had to tell me if there was a God or not. I knew he had ears big enough to hear my prayers, and I knew that he knew how to Calm me. And he knew how to keep my mother from looking under that bed. So when you go to school, did you go to school? And on the playground, everybody would be talking about what they believed in. Like, what do you believe in? And I say, I don't know all that much about God, but I know where he lives. He lives under my bed. I didn't know his name, and I'd never cracked open a Bible. I wouldn't do that until I was 17 years old. But I knew he was very, very, very real and he could meet my need. So that was the first time I felt fear. So what I want you all to do is get out your cards. You were given a. We're going to do this real quick. I mean, we're not going to spend a lot of time. But I think this is really important because y' all have gotten so much incredible information today. And now what we're going to do is we're going to fight the battle with a pen and a piece of paper. We're going to do some serious warfare here. And our sword, really our tool, our implement of battle, is going to be a pen. And it's going to be an honest heart. And as I finish up these next couple stories and I tell you a story about when I was first given the garment of shame and how long I wore it, when I was first given the garment of fear, and how long I. I want you to write down right now. I want you to write down what garment comes to your mind right now. If you could get rid of one garment that just keeps tripping you up, like we've heard today, you love God. You know, God, I don't know what it is, but I'd like you to write it down right now. Go ahead. Go ahead. If you have a little journal with you, you can use that. I know they passed out these cards. What garment? If you could say, God, I don't want to wear this garment anymore. It could be something like worry. It could be something like the fear of death. I mean, it could be something very basic. But what is it? And the reason why it's important to write it is because it brings it into the light. It's an admission, and it uncovers it. Don't look at your neighbor's card, please. Just go ahead. Please write at least one garment. And if you can write down, when you first remember putting it on, what happened. If you can remember or if you can't, you can say, lord, when did I first put this garment on? You know, when I Adopted this as important enough to wear every day. So, Lord, I need you in the next days and weeks and even months to show me when what was the impetus for me to put that garment on. I want you to write that. Go ahead. This is your time with God. It's not about me at all. God has waited a really long time to get you here today. He's been waiting to get you quiet so that he could remind you of this garment. And then he has a plan for how to help you shed it. You don't have to worry about that this moment, but you do have to be honest. Uncover the secret and tell him what the garment is. Tell yourself what the garment is. You know, we do so much every day. We make lists for shopping and Christmas and to do lists. When's the last time you really sat with God and you allowed yourself to remember the things that have harmed you and that have got you stuck? Where do you feel stuck? That's going to be your indicator. Go ahead and write. It's hard for God to help a moving object. It's really hard for us to get quiet. But everything Jesus ever did for anyone, he did almost all of it one on one. And they were alone. And so we have to exercise that muscle to be okay with being quiet with God. It's the hardest thing. Jesus said, my sheep hear my voice, and I know them and they follow me. So most of you, I'm sure, are sheep. You've made Jesus your shepherd. But does he know you? Does he know you? You're allowing, you're giving him permission, saying, God, I'm giving you permission right now to I will travel with you down this rabbit hole to get to the bottom of this garment. I'm going to do that. And when you do this at home, you're going to turn your phone off. And if you remember that you need to buy dog food, you know how you do that? You want to be alone with God. And then when you quiet your mind for a minute, because it's so unusual for us to do that, we start thinking of things we have to do. So what you should do, there's no problem with that. I've got a solution. Believe me, I've had to do this a million times. You have another little piece of paper or something next to you and you just write dog food on it. And then you get back to Jesus and you say, oh, I got to buy milk. Okay, that's fine. Then get back to Jesus. And when you do this more and more, you'll actually get Good at being honest with him. And really. And you might have to burn these lists, you might have to hide them because they're very personal. But then the Lord will begin to take you through his word, and his word will begin to recalibrate you, heal you, tell you the truth. And that garment will be. You know, when I'm having a bad day, this is still my go to garment. If I'm having a bad day, this is the one I always want to wear. I'll wear anybody's shame. I'll wear yours. You know, if you chew me out at the supermarket, I'll feel bad even though I didn't do anything. That's just kind of how I'm wired from the. You know. So, you know what's great is after all these years of figuring this stuff out, when I put shame on, you know what it feels like? It feels like a wet bathing suit. It used to feel really comfortable. It doesn't anymore. So now when I feel it, I just rip it off and throw it in the basket. Okay, there's one more garment I'd like to share with you. And this garment came when I was in junior high, and they told us in school that we had to start wearing bras for physical education. And I didn't know what I was going to put in mine, but my mother went to the store and bought me my first bra. And this is what it looked like. Do you have that when you had that one? Remember this little bra? And did you not feel like a woman? I remember putting this on him. I was a woman. I was so excited. And then I started getting older and older, and my feet got bigger and my legs got longer and nothing. And I'm like, okay, any minute now. Any minute now, right? And I told my mom, I said, something's wrong with me because, like, I'm growing up, but that part's not growing at all. And that was the very first time. Let me get this on here. That was the very first time, ladies, that I felt this. And I started wearing this garment. I started wearing this garment. It got pretty tight on my body. I mean, it was really on there, like a wetsuit. I just felt like I wasn't enough. I don't know if you have ever dealt with this garment, if you still deal with this garment. When you look in the mirror, when you talk to other people, when you get in an awkward situation and you don't know who you are, Abba's gonna fix a lot of that. But also, the Lord wants to take you On a journey where you can find out what was said to you, who said what to you, that made you feel like. I want you to write it. Go ahead. Who and what made you feel like you were not enough? This is between you and Jesus. I want you to listen to Jesus really carefully right now. Who and when and what told you that you were not enough? When you start writing these things down on paper and you start sitting quiet with Jesus and listening and looking into the word Google, I love Google. If you're dealing with a heartbreak, if you're dealing with betrayal, if you're dealing whatever, you can Google that and ask Google what Bible verses. I do it all the time. And then the Lord will start you down a trail of. Of healing you and telling you the truth. And we've heard so much about that today. I don't need to repeat it. So remember the little girl that hid under the bed? Okay. I'm gonna let you see her. Yeah. That's what happens when your drunk mother trims your bangs with pinking shears. I do. I think she must have used pinking shears or something. I can't imagine she was that drunk. But that was me. And between the glasses and the buck teeth, wetting the bed, all that good stuff, I was already primed to feel like this. Right. We all are, though. We're all so self critical. Don't you think it's really sad? Because we're creations of God and he formed us in our mother's wombs and we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and then we get stuck in that garment right there. So we're not. We're not going to do that anymore. We're not taking it sitting down anymore. Let's play a game. So if I were to knock on your door tomorrow morning with two cups of coffee and we were to go into your closet, what would we find? What do we find? I mean, what are you wearing? What's stuck in your closet at home? Do you have jeans that are a size 4 that you're still hanging on to just in case, you know, you can wear them again one day? Right? I mean, you know, we don't want to be walking around in stuff like that today. Do we look pretty silly? Let's play a game. Okay. Clap your hands if you think that this shirt is from 1980. Clap your hands. Okay. Is that it? Are no other stragglers coming in? Okay. How many of you think it's 20? 19. Okay. Took it off a vintage website online. Yeah, I mean, sometimes we just hang on to things because we just don't. We just don't know how to let them go. And we're looking backward. Isn't that right? You know, if you think your best years are behind you, you're looking in the wrong direct. And we have to fight it. Because if we keep looking at our phones and tiktoks and all the beautiful whatevers we see that are filtered and cut and pasted and all the stuff, those. Those things aren't real anyway, right? They never were when we looked at them in Vogue magazine when I was a kid. So we have to make a conscious decision to say, lord, show me who I am in you. I mean, it's just. It has to be deliberate. We've heard it all day long, so. But who put something on you that they thought was a good. I mean, can you imagine? This child has never gotten over claustrophobia from the day that was the beginning of claustrophobia. But the scripture tells us, do not be conformed to this world. Do not be formed by this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Our minds are so, so powerful. So what does your closet look like at home? I mean, I'm talking about the closet inside of you. Like what? Dreams have been buried under the rubble or under guilt or under a mistake you made when you were 15. And it's just buried under. You don't even know where to begin. Well, again, the Lord is wanting to go into that cavern with you. He's not afraid of your secrets. He's not afraid of what is in your closet. It doesn't. He already knows what's in there anyway. But he loves you enough to say, no, no, no, no, no, let's get on with it. Are you ready to get on with it? It's important because time is a wasting. And I think the thing I've learned in my old age is that the enemy's greatest trick is to allow the sand to drain out of the hourglass. If he can just get you stuck enough where literally years and then decades go by. Dreams and purposes get left behind and he can just waste time, then he's taking you out of the battle. He's taken you out of the game. And you didn't even. Not even know that you got taken out of the game. And again we go to church and we do things and we love church. We learn from our brothers and sisters and our pastors. But again, we can't let that be a substitute ladies, for sitting alone with Jesus. I'm not saying it's easy. Okay? I'm not saying it's easy. I have to remind myself all the time when I feel like I'm drifting, right? That feeling, like you just feel a little unplugged. You're doing all the right stuff, but you don't feel intimate with Jesus. The more intimate we are with Jesus, the more powerful we are against the darkness. Amen. Amen. Okay, we're going to wrap it up now. Now, I can't go through the whole rigmarole, the whole nine yards, but I can tell you this. I came to know the Lord at 17 years old, three weeks before I graduated from high school. And I wasn't addicted to alcohol like my three sisters and my mom. I wasn't. I never took a. I've never taken a drug in my life because I was the youngest. And being the youngest, you get to watch everybody else's mistakes. How many youngest kids are there here? I mean, we. Yeah, we sat in a prime spot, didn't we? But I was addicted to another drug. And it'll kill you as quick as alcohol will or any other. You know what it is? It's perfectionism. So I thought I had to be Jesus for everybody. And so when my friends told me about this man, Jesus, in my ignorance, I said, you know, thank you very much. I mean, what a beautiful story, but I don't need to be forgiven of sin because I'm not a sinner. I mean, that's the epitome of spiritual ignorance, isn't it? And so what happened is the Lord allowed me in his great mercy and plan for me. He just gave me more and more rope. I think he just kept giving me rope so I could get in a little deeper water, little deeper water, so I could find a need for God in my life. And it didn't take me long. It took only a couple of months. And I started dating a man eight years my senior. And in a month of dating him, I became pregnant. It was April of 1973, Roe versus Wade was 90 days old. And I found myself at the abortion clinic. And they told me that I was so lucky because a new law had just been passed. And now I had rights. Now I could make my own choice. I didn't have to tell my mother, even though I was a minor, I didn't have to tell the guy that I got pregnant by because it was all my business. And the third lie was the biggest lie. She told me, this will do you no harm. And I could go for another 30 minutes on the ramifications of that. But let me tell you what happened. It did do me harm. I never had children. I have a lot of spiritual children, but I never had children. Yes, but it was a secret that I buried so deep as a brand new Christian. I became a Christian just about a month after my abortion and I was catapulted into the ministry. I was in Southern California Jesus revolution. Chuck Smith was my pastor. I'm one of those guys. I Sang on the Praise 2 album when I was 19.

Sing, Thou art worthy, Thou art worthy, Thou art worthy, O Lord, Thou art worthy to receive glory, Glory and honor and power.

19. But no, because I had no root system in Jesus. I was just barely. I think about it, think of the ramifications. Non Christian home, alcoholic parents, alcoholic siblings, just had an abortion. And now I'm in the stages of all these places, right? Singing about Jesus. I was so excited to sing about Jesus. I understood fully why I needed a savior, but I had no root system. And so with this secret buried in my heart about my abortion, not to mention who else was still hanging around in there, right? I was a wreck. I was a walking wreck because I was supposed to be this example of what it is. And nobody helped me. They didn't help me. I'm not trying to be ugly, I'm just saying they didn't. And I was so set up to fall. It was inevitable it was gonna happen. And sure enough, I won't go into it. You'll have to read it online or something, but believe me, it's down in there somewhere. I just made a lot of mistakes. And finally, in about 1985, I completely fell. I'd been nominated for Grammys, out with Billy Graham, crusades on the Grammy Awards. And that's what the enemy likes to do with your secret. This is the point. He likes to set you up some weight till you're on the, you know, the top of the mountain. And then he says, aha, now I've got you in a good position. And he aims and boom, down you go. And then you're embarrassed. You know, you're in front of everybody. You fall in front of everybody. Can you imagine what was that like for the perfectionist in me? Oh, my gosh. I thought being a Christian would save me from perfectionism. Oh, my goodness, it was horrible. And after that, I just thought, wow, Lord, you picked the wrong girl. You know, Amy Grant has great parents and Sandy Patty was raised in a Christian home. If you were going to put me up in front of everybody, you should have given Me, better roots for goodness sake. I mean, there I go counseling God again. And so when he called me, I didn't. I said, I will never go back into the ministry. I'm not fit to go back into the ministry. And a lot of Christians would have agreed with me. But you know what? Fifteen years later, the Lord said, hello, you're not done yet. You're not done yet. Do you feel like you're done? Do you have a million reasons why you're done? And like we were saying, you're just going to kind of coast along. When he said, you're not done yet.

I went, la, la la la, la la la la la la.

But you know, I always love it when God wins the argument. And he did. That's all I'm going to say. Well, here I am and here you are and we're together.

Yeah.

But during that 15 year hiatus, this is when I learned to be comfortable with God alone. The audiences were gone. Nobody from Billy Graham association was calling me any longer. The record label dropped me. And I was faced in this position with Jesus being the only one standing. And he said, okay, Michelle, let's start all over again. Let's, let's go. Let's do this the right way. And he sat with me and I learned. I hated it at first. Can I be honest? I hated it. I just wanted my career back. I wanted to get back up and feel good about myself because everybody would love me. Well, that's not a good reason to be in the ministry. That's a horrible reason. In fact, you can't give to anybody when you're doing it for that reason. So we had to work a lot of stuff through. And all I can tell you is that time alone with Jesus. I love my time with Jesus. And I'm no different than you. It's just a muscle I had to get good at. So if we're going to talk about secrets. Oh, goodness, I didn't even share that. Okay. My mom did become a Christian eventually. Yes, yes. On your card, on your card. Just do this for me because I don't want to run out of time. And I. On your card, I want you to write this passage and I want you to really put a big circle around it. Okay. It's the most bizarre thing Jesus ever said. It's Matthew, chapter 10, verse 34 through about 38. Okay. Matthew the 10th, chapter 34 through 38. As I was in this 15 year time where we were going through the layers and untangling and untangling knot after Knot after knot. The Lord showed me this verse one morning when I was sitting there minding my own business, thinking, I'll just be having a nice little time with him and, oh, it's time to wake up. That's what I have to hear when I. Okay, the Lord showed me this verse, and I just want to share it with you very quickly, but I want you to do a deep dive with this on your own, okay? Promise it'll blow your mind and it'll change everything with regard to whatever it is you grew up around. Ready? Do not suppose this is Jesus talking. Remember, do not suppose that I've come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. This is the Prince of Peace talking, and this is what he said. So let's move on and see what else he has to say about that. Did not come to bring peace, but a sword. I have come to turn a man against his father. A daughter against her mother. A daughter in law against her mother in law. So what is he, a family wrecker? Is he a narcissist? Well, we know none of that's true. Let's keep going. A man or woman's enemies will be the members of his own household. Can I get an amen? Okay. If you love your father or mother more than me, you are not worthy of me. Or if you love your son or daughter. Whoa, that's big words. More than me, you are not worthy of me. Okay, I'm going to whittle this down to a couple of sentences. As I sat with the Lord and he showed me this passage, he said, michelle, we've done a lot of work, but now it's time for me to take my sword, which is my word, and I'm going to cut right through the umbilical cord between you and your mother. I love my mother. I didn't want to be my mother and I didn't want to repeat her life. And he can take whatever it is. As we've heard again and again today, he will take the sword and he will literally do surgery on you to cut through. I can see tears and I can see this is working. He's going to cut through that stuff. He can do it. You can't grit your teeth strong enough. You can't white knuckle it, but he can take his sword. And that's why it's so important to go into his word and start doing these untangling, quiet times with him. And you'll come to a place where you realize I don't talk like my mother anymore. I don't act like and think like my mother anymore.

How did that happen?

It's because you said, God, you brought him your list and you said, I'm going to allow you permission to infiltrate these secret things because they hurt, don't they? You're tired of it hurting. Guess what? Pain is a gift. Pain is a GPS that tells us where God wants to go next. What if we didn't have pain? We wouldn't know what to bring to him. It's not a life sentence. Pain is not a prison. But it is a gps. So when you write this stuff, you do it with courage, like you already have. You're on a great roll already. You have written down garments and secrets and stuff that hurts. And now he's gonna take his sword and he's gonna cut that away. I didn't need to save my mother. I didn't need to be her lifeblood. She needed Jesus. And guess what happened after I went through this process? I then forgave her secretly. It's not something you parade around with. I mean, just think how that would come across. You know what I did for you today, Mom? You know what I did? I forgave you for all that you did to me. I forgave you for the yardsticks and the coat hangers and the critical. No, this was between me and the Lord. You know, forgiveness is the strongest spiritual weapon we have. It's what pulled Jesus from the grave. And it's what's going to pull us from the grave, right? But it can also pull us from the graves that we're living in with this stuff. So after I forgave and we went through the list and I forgave and I forgave and I forgave a little at a time. I asked for the miracle of forgiveness. They always say it's a choice. It's more than a choice.

It's a dadgum miracle.

Because without God doing it in me and through me, I'll be upset again the next day. And so Wednesday, once all this happened, I was able to pray with my mom. And she came to know Jesus, and she's in heaven now. So one last thing before we say goodbye to each other. Okay. Our secrets are kind of fun sometimes. I mean, ooh, boy, I've gotten wrinkled. I've kind of gotten wrinkled. What are you gonna do? Yeah. Cracks, Pastor Hope. I have way more cracks than you do, girlfriend. So if I'm gonna tell you my secrets before we close, I thought I would do it with my makeup bag. Would that be okay? Okay. Okay, Real quick. We're going to do this real quick. We have 10 minutes, and that's about how long this is going to take. Y' all have been so fun to be with. I've. I've sat right there and enjoyed watching you all get blessed and fed and make proclamations and declarations and, man, watch out, world, here we come, right? That's right. Okay, where do I start? Okay, let me real quick tell you some of my secrets. First of all, where is it? Oh, dear. It's like the bottomless pit, right? Well, I'll just use this. Oh, here it is. Okay. So first of all, this is my under eye highlighter, right? This is eight hours of sleep in a tube. So I just put it on and. Oh, my eyes are red too. My dad had red eyes. I got those from him. Thank you, Dad. I put it on and you have to be real careful because if. Can you see that? Are they in real tight? And I also put it on the sides of my nose because it makes my nose look smaller. Right here. Why do we do this to ourselves? Right? That's what I do. Now. This stuff is great. This is the next level of concealer. It's kind of a flesh colored grease paint. And what I've noticed is as you get older, this part right here just gets darker and darker. Like right in here, you start looking like you're bruised almost. And so I can just. Now, you have to be careful not to poke yourself in the eye. But I can just kind of smash this down in there. And then all of a sudden it's not dark under there anymore. And then I also get dark around my nostrils. Everything starts turning dark. I think it's lack of circulation. That's what my. And then you put it around there and there you go. Okay. The other thing that I like to do, you're thinking, why is she doing this? I do have a point. I think you're gonna get it too. Okay. When I turned about 53 or 55, I started losing my eyebrows. Have you lost your eyebrows? Who's lost their eyebrows? Like, nobody told me that was gonna happen. Nobody gave me fair warning that wasn't. So thank goodness for Tom Ford eyebrow pencil. And I just. I don't have the back half anymore, so I just color in the back half. Can you see that? See you. I've been up here for almost an hour. You didn't know that? I have no back half of my eyebrow now. Heaven help me if it's raining out, but. And then there they are. I've got eyebrows. Yeah. And it's also good because a lot of my eyebrow hairs are gray as well, which is really not good. So one day, you know, you can't wear makeup 24 7, so, you know, you take it off and then you really look in the mirror, right? What happens when you look in the mirror? I mean, really, what happens when you. Do you hate what you see? I mean, if the truth be told, most of us don't like what we see when we look in the mirror. That is a travesty. Because this is what I want you to know. 2nd Corinthians 4:16 says, oh, well, no, that's even better. 2nd Corinthians 4:16. Let's do that. Therefore, we do not lose heart. But though our outer person is decaying, yet our inner person is being renewed day by day. Now, that sounds all lofty and everything, but let me tell you why that's important to me personally, because I've been a slow learner. Like, I'm my strongest now, and I'm 68. So I'm really thankful that I can put things on that kind of buy me some a little bit of youth and a little bit of time, because my inner is getting stronger every day. I mean, I never want to go back, right? But the truth of the matter is, the outside, I've got cracks in my eyes, right? So it's okay. I'm not saying we shouldn't. We should do everything we can, but we should do it for the right reasons. We shouldn't wear makeup and hair and all that stuff because we've looked at our phone so long. We're just running uphill and we're depressed about it. And do you see what I mean? That's not the reason to do any of this. But what is the reason to be our prettiest and our best is because we don't want to lose heart. Our outer person is decaying, but our inner person is being renewed day by day. And so there's no shame in this whole thing, just as long as we're doing it for the right reasons. So we each, again, that's another thing we examine. We write it on our list. Lord, why am I so obsessed with getting old? Why am I so afraid of getting old? I'm not fooling anybody. I don't look 18, never will again. So. But I love this verse. This passage has always been so dear to me. It's 2nd Corinthians 3:18, but we all with unveiled face beholding is in a mirror. The glory of the Lord are being transformed into his image. From glory to glory. That's beauty that will not wash off and it will never age out. I mean, think about it. Think about some of the really old saints that you see pictures of, and they're just beautiful. They're just beautiful. That's the kind of beauty we want to be. We want to have the face of Jesus. We want to have his eyes and his smile, his compassionate heart. And we want to be able to have the wisdom that comes with years after we've done so much untangling, we've sat with him and are quiet. We haven't let anybody rob us of it. We've taken time to really be beautifully intimate with Jesus. It makes us more and more beautiful every day. Isn't that right? And so that's what I get excited about. So I thought, hey, if I'm gonna be such a wise, wise guy up here, tell you how you need to be on. You need to write your secrets. You need to do all that. I better put my. My. Whatever where my mouth is. Why not, right? It's just us. It's just us. So let's see. Where should we start? The eyebrows. Oh, let's start with the eyebrows. That'd be fun. I'll try not to ruin the mic. Okay, let's start with the eyebrows. Put a little bit here. Everybody's getting nervous now. See the difference? I have the front half, but I really don't have the back half. That's okay. I don't need the back half. It's already in heaven. I'm going to heaven one piece at a time. But, you know, one day. Oh, now I've got cream in my hair. That's lovely. So one day, I was. Honestly, I was taking my makeup off and I was really asking the Lord. Lord, help me to be able to see my face as you see it. Please help me to stop with the obsessions and stuff. And I was looking at my eyebrows where they looked just like this. And I was staring and I was staring, and then I found them. They weren't in heaven. They were right here. Yeah. All lined up in a pretty little row. Now, what I can tell you, there's also these ones on my neck that I can't see because I'm blind. And so today, when we were worshiping, I found a really long one. And it was just for. I said, thank you, Jesus. I can show the girls my. Wait, let me see if I. Oh, yeah. See? See? Do you see it? Wait a minute. Do you see it? Do you see it? Can you get it? Can you get it? Like, this thing's like 2 inches long. That used to be an eyelash. And speaking of eyelashes, they're in heaven as well. Okay? So, yeah, you lose your brows, you lose your lashes, but even though the outer is decaying, the inward is getting really strong. And I'm going to prove it. Okay, let's go. Ready? I'm going to just go for it. This might take a while. You can write on your list. You can ask Jesus, what are your garments? You can ponder. Pray fast. It's so thick up here. It takes me a minute. Oh, I hope I'm okay with this part. Gotta get all that grease paint off. That's really tough. Oh, you're sweet. Okay, here we go. One eye open. Oh, feeding back the mic. Wait a minute.

Can I have one more?

Oh, good. We have two minutes. Let me. Let me just. Let me, like, get all the grease out. Wait a minute. Okay, there's my basic face, but there's.

A. Yeah, yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. If there's a couple with me, we'll just do this.

We gotta take the hill.

Oh.

I have contacts. I usually take them out, but I'm not gonna. But if I did, then I'd put these on and then that would kind of be the real me.

Okay.

Okay.

You're so sweet.

Yeah, we tell the entity, like, stick it up your nose, right? So would you like to see the garments that God gave me after I got rid of all this junk? Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Trying to outrun the pain. It's like dancing between drops of rain. And when the shame to which I was bound grows like a vine around my feet. Without mercy, no release. You untangle me from the trouble in my mind. From the wounds and fears that find me. To the messes left behind me in my wandering. You untangle me in my struggle to be free. When despair and memory like old chains that I can't see, have all but strangled me. You untangle me. You are my water, you're my wine, you are my eyes when I go blind. And when a voice of doubt, that is all I hear. And I'm losing state, I'm losing nerve. Convinced you're more than I deserve. You untangle me from the trouble in my mind. From the wounds and fears to the messes left behind me in my wanderings. You untangle me in my struggles to be free. When despair and memory like old chains that I can't see have all but strangled me? For you untangle me and when my heart heart is slow to heal as if it never will? In the deepest pain I feel you go deeper still deeper still to untangle me from the trouble in my mind? From the wounds and fears that find me? To the messes left behind Me in my wanderings Me you untangle me in my struggle to be free? When despair and memory like old chains that I can't see have all but strangled me. You are tangled I It.